Sherryzhangh 加入写作小分队的首篇独立作文，欢迎拍砖！7月7号

sherryzhangh

The reading passage explored the issue of fossils commercialization has brought some negative results. The professor's lecture deals the same topic. However, she holds the opposite opinions, and she use three specific reasons to argue back the counterparts brought out by the reading.

To start with, the reading claims that the fossil collector has privatized all the fossils, thus the public lose the chance to view it and consequently the public interest in fossil has been declined. On the contrary, the professor argues the fossil commercialization give great exposure to fossils instead of hide them from the public. Moreover, some universities and small museum even got better opportunities to possess it. Therefore, it would not necessarily cause the public interest decline to fossils.

Secondly, the reading passage assumes the scientist will miss out the access to view valuable fossils. However, the professor states that before any fossil could be evaluated and put a price on. It has to be gone through the detail examination of the experts; therefore, scientist would not miss anything.

At last, the reading passage reasons that commercial collectors often destroy valuable fossils due to careless. However, the professor argues if it is not the collector, most of the fossils still going to be remain underground. Because universities and scientist usually do not have funds to procedure underground discover activities. Compared with all fossils still being undiscovered, some destroy could overweigh the remaining underground.

235852140

8月15日  独立 批改  Parents should allow their children to makemistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes
建议和注意    错误  

When it comes to children,parents could be overprotective sometimes. They tend to arrange everything forchildren; offer all available conveniences（不可数）; Moreover（分好后面的单词用小写开头）, they even try to take allthe responsibilities of their children. Because(because书面语中一般是放在句子里的，比如I did it because they asked me to do it. 可以把前面的句号改为逗号，或者把because换成the reason is that或It was because ) they want to assist theirchildren as much as possible and would not want them to make any mistake thusavoid the frustration.（改， thus avoiding... thus的用法:1. ...and thus...。2. ..., thus doing.... ） However, as far as I am concerned, this could be harmfulto the children and the parents.（开头不错哦，还运用了排比的手法，赞，不过注意一些单词中间忘记打空格和一些小错误，这样机判的时候会扣分哦，逗号后面也要有空格）

To start with, as one of theold saying goes: practices makes perfect. If children never got a chance tomake mistakes, which means to do it on their own, they probably will neverlearn anything. Take how to learn swim as an example;（改，）some children are afraidof water, at the same time the parents also worried about their security,（run-on句型，没有连词）ifthe children had never got the chance into the pool and practice, and even tastesome salty water, they probably will drown in another kind of pool—the parents’cosset. Consequently, they may never learn how to swim. What parents should dois encourage children and conduct（用guide更好，conduct做动词有进行（研究），指挥（乐团），传导（电，热）的意思。） them on how to swim, （如果是逗号，就和后面又形成了run-on句型了）afraid of children’s mistakethat they probably will make, isn’t going to help anything.（从逻辑上讲，第一句应该统领这一段，第一句的意思大概是练习越多越好，和第二句“如果孩子们没有机会去犯错，他们也许将什么也学不到”，这两句的逻辑衔接不太好，没有表明 练习和犯错有什么关系，其实第二句就可以作为本段的中心句。）

Another equally importantpoint is （that）children will never develop an independent personality if parentskeeping（改keep，要不没动词了） to be overprotective to them. From psychological point, if childrennever makes（去掉S） mistakes, probably have two reasons; one is （that）children are afraid ofmake（making） mistake（and） thus lose the love of parents; another is parents over protectivetry（拼错了） to give too much conduction（conduction是传导，不是引导） for their children. The consequences for thosetwo reasons probably will make（make改用result in或contribute to更好，另外前面说了consequences了，后面就不能是“后果又造成什么什么了”，直接就应该是 “后果是什么什么”） children either a timid character that’s afraidof making mistakes or an arrogant personality due to never fail with theparents’ aid. None of them are independent healthy personalities,（and） if childrennever make mistake or fail, they would never know what is（去掉is） appreciation means. Therefore,for the sake of children’s psychological healthiness, parents should givechildren some space to develop on their own.（试用if的频率很高，可以尝试换换其他句型。从心理学角度的分析思路很好。）

Granted,（应该不用逗号，改成Granted that...， 例句：Granted that you are correct, you may find it hard to prove your point. ） mistakes made bychildren sometimes could be severe and thus bring unavoidable lost for parents.However, that doesn’t mean that parents should deprive the rights of childrento develop on their own. （这个develop on their own在文中出现频率也比较高，可以试试其他表达方法，以免考官觉得boring）Only if they make mistakes, they will have the chanceto learn from it. Therefore, the same kind of mistake could be avoided in thefuture.
Taking into account all the factorsdiscussed above, make（making） no mistakes isn’t going to help children develop,moreover（moreover是副词，前面要句号结束，开始新的一句话）, it probably will create a strong parents and a weak children.Therefore, I am fully convinced （that）children should make mistakes and learn fromit.（其实不是“孩子应该犯错误”，而是“家长应该允许孩子犯错误”）

ps：注意各种英文标点符号的应用，以免产生语法错误。一个句子只能有一个动词，否则要用连词连接。
     注意空格，不要忘记打哦，电脑判分的时候会视作错误的单词，可以用最后一两分钟时间检查一下。不过我不知道是不是传上来的问题，可能你打了空格，但是贴上来就消失了吧。

sherryzhangh

8月16日

Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve successwith help from one’s family than what is like before.
Undoubtedly, within family’s aid one is mucheasier to achieve success. Family could provide available networks that hasbeen build since the parents generation; Family could offer their descentsnecessary advises for avoiding possible difficulties they might be encountered;Family may also could finance the initial funds for what you really needs tostart you own business or the dream that you eager to pursue. However, that atbest is the start up, the most important roles for achieving success arecapabilities, persistent, devote as much as endeavor as possible, may be somekind of lucky as well. My reasons are as follows.

To start with, personal capabilities areessential to success. Whatever the family could provide such as good network,advise or money; if one is incapable of taking challenge, not being able tosolve all possible obstacles, most likely would not achieve any success. Take atraditional Chinese novel character Liu Chan as an example; Liu chan is theonly son of Liu Bei, who is the king of kingdom Shu, one of the countries ofthree-kingdom period. He devoted all his life and conquered kingdom Shu withhis loyalty advisers and courtiers. After he passes away, his kingdom inheritedto his only son—Liu Chan. However, Liu Chan is mental challenged. He does nothave the capabilities to run a country as a king. Even with the full support ofthe loyalty courtiers. He still cannot keep his kingdom as integrated likebefore. Not long other opponents conquered it.

Another equally important point is that persistentas well much afford devoted to may reach the goal of success. On the way tobeing achievable, one will encounter unpredicted obstacles. They may seemunconquerable. However, with much endeavor and persistent, one can solve thedifficulty soon or later, the one who can hold on it, will be the finalsuccessor. There is old saying that geniuses are one percent of talent plusninety nine percent of endeavor. Success would not come to you because you havegood family support or born with golden spoon, they come to you because youdesire for it and willing to work hard on it.


At last, let’s talk about lucky. Lucky is onemystery thing no one can tell what is really look like, but is indeed aroundus, and it’s always chosen the one who is capable and prepared for it. TakeOlympic athlete Matthew Emmons as an example; he is one ofthe most talented shooters. Like every athlete who can participate in theOlympic final games, he is not only talented but also have spirit of fight.However, he just cannot achieve the championship. Whatever you say is it luckyor psychological quality, championship of Olympic finals just never happened tohim.

Take into all accounts that has been discussedabove, strong individual capabilities, persistent, great endeavor, possiblelucky are indispensible facts to success rather than just a rich dad.  

235852140

综合批的晚了  十分抱歉    错误  建议和小注意  好
The reading passage explored the issue of fossils commercialization（commercialization用的不错，不过“化石的商业化”？改为the commercialization of fossil trading）has brought some negative results.（这个句子不错，不过前面说explored，后面就不能has了哦，改had）The professor's lecture deals the same topic. However, she holds the opposite opinions, and she use(uses） three specific reasons to argue back the counterparts brought out by the reading.(第一段清楚明了，赞) (注意文中保持时态一致，前面说explored，后面deals，会感觉时态混乱)

To start with, the reading claims that the fossil collector has privatized all the fossils, （+and 可以去掉thus  因为看到后面还有个consequently） thus the public lose the chance to view it and consequently the public interest in fossil has been declined. On the contrary, the professor argues （that）the fossil commercializationgive（s） great exposure to fossils instead of hide(hiding) them from the public. Moreover, some universities and small museum even got better opportunities to possess it. Therefore, it would not necessarily cause the public interest decline to fossils.

Secondly, the reading passage assumes the scientist will miss out the access to view valuable fossils. However, the professor states that before any fossil could be evaluated and put a price on. It has to be gone through the detail(detail没有形容词的意思哦，改detailed) examination of the experts; therefore, scientist would not miss anything.

At last, the reading passage reasons that commercial collectors often destroy valuable fossils due to careless. （非常简洁明了，赞） However, the professor argues（that） if it is not the collector,(说without the collector更好，如果用it is 的句型，可改写成强调句也不错，...argues that it is the collector who prevents most of fossils from remaining undergroud.) most of the fossils still going to be（少个be动词） remain underground. Because universities and scientist（s） usually do not have （enough）funds to procedure underground discover activities. Compared with all fossils still being undiscovered, some destroy could overweigh the remaining underground.（这个比较我不太确定可不可以）

ps： 一些小短语用的很好啊！ 整体结构清晰，部分转述简洁明了。 加油~

有改的不对的地方  加我QQ讨论哦

235852140

8.16  独立批改     错误     建议    
Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve successwith help from one’s family than what is like before.

Undoubtedly, within（within是在…内部） family’s aid one is mucheasier to achieve success. Family could provide available networks that hasbeen build （built）since the parents generation; Family could offer their descents necessary advises for avoiding possible difficulties they might be encountered;Family may also could （用一个情态动词就行） finance the initial funds for what you really needs tostart you own business or the dream that you eager to pursue. However, that atbest is the start up,(the start up 是创业，我感觉你是想说 最多是个开始  那就说 a beginning好了) the most important roles for achieving success arecapabilities, persistent, devote as much as endeavor as possible（这里你是并列了几项内容，并列的时候要结构一致，前面的capabilities,persistent,都是名词，这里devote动词就不并列了）,（and） may be somekind of lucky as well. My reasons are as follows.   （开头结构很好，中间用排比说明，有亮点，在追求用词多样性的同时要注意准确性）

To start with, personal capabilities areessential to success. Whatever the family could provide such as good network,advise or money; if one is incapable of taking challenge, not being able tosolve all possible obstacles, most likely would not achieve any success. Take atraditional Chinese novel character Liu Chan as an example; Liu chan is theonly son of Liu Bei, who is the king of kingdom Shu, one of the countries ofthree-kingdom period. He （前文中说到liu chan 这里的he我相信你是再说liu bei, 所以he 的指代就出问题了，还是直接打上名字吧）devoted all his life and conquered kingdom Shu withhis loyalty advisers and courtiers. After he(前面的HE改成liu bei以后，这里就可以大胆的说he了) passes away, his kingdom inherited（被继承，少个be动词）to his only son—Liu Chan. However, Liu Chan is mental challenged.（这句话好像说他有精神病？我猜测你是想说这对他来说是个挑战？） He does nothave the capabilities to run a country as a king. Even with（改逗号哦，要不这句不是完整句子了） the full support ofthe loyalty courtiers. He still cannot keep his kingdom asintegrated likebefore. Not long other opponents conquered it.   （亲的语法还是要注意哦）

Another equally important point is that persistentas well much afford devoted to may reach the goal of success. （这句看不懂+persistents拼写错）On the way tobeing achievable（在变得可完成的道路上，这个前半句的逻辑主语就是后面半句的one，人怎么能achievable），one will encounter unpredicted obstacles. They may seemunconquerable. （改seem to be unconquerable）However, with much endeavor and persistent, one can solve thedifficulty soon or later, the one who can hold on it, will be the finalsuccessor. There is old saying that geniuses are one percent of talent plusninety nine percent of endeavor. Success would not come to you（+just） because you havegood family support or born with golden spoon, （前面是个完整的句子，后面是个完整的句子，所以此处要不句号，要不加连词）they come to you because youdesire for it and willing to work hard on it.


At last, let’s talk about lucky. Lucky is onemystery thing(+and/that) no one can tell what is really look like,（what it really looks like） but (it) is indeed aroundus, and it’s always chosen the one who is capable and prepared for it. TakeOlympic athlete Matthew Emmonsas an example; he is one ofthe most talented shooters. Like every athlete who can participate in theOlympic final games, he is not only talented but also have spirit of fight.However, he just cannot achieve the championship. Whatever you say is it luckyor psychological quality, championship of Olympic finals just never happened tohim.

Take into all accounts that has been discussedabove, strong individual capabilities, persistent, great endeavor, possiblelucky are indispensible facts to success rather than just a rich dad.

PS: 还是有很多没有打空格的地方，两个词挨在一起了，是亲忘记打，还是上传的问题啊。我没有每处都给你画线这次。千万不要因为这个失分啊，很冤枉的。
    另外，词、句的使用上还是要多注意，多揣摩，多查查。有时候可以用一些简单但很安全的词语，以免造成表述不清。

sherryzhangh

8月20日

Your job hasmore effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Nowadays, withthe gradual fiercer competition in economics, people have to dedicate more timeand more endeavor to achieve a desired job. A desired job can bring you thesocial life that you being long to, meet more qualified people who also sharethe same interest with you. Therefore, I believe your job has more effect onyour happiness than your social life does. The reasons are as follows.
To start with,every one of us, more or less need to spend 8 hours per day at work. Everymorning, since the moment we open our eyes, we need to prepare work for theday. For the time sake, we need to spend one third of our time to works, theremust be some happiness, success feeling, and belongings feelings as well assecurity feelings that job can bring to us. If you do not feel excited for theday, then hardly that I can say job will bring your any happiness. You will belike walking corpses. I could not think even social life will have any help foryou either, which put you into vicious circle. Take one of people that I knowfor example, he is very unsatisfied about his current job, instead of dosomething about it, and he started to complaint it to every friend he know. Atthe beginning, people may show some sympathy for him, but as the whiningbecomes so severe, he actually pushes everyone away from himself. Needless tosay how unhappy he became.
Another equallyimportant point is that a desired job can bring your better financial rewards,thus to bring more pigment for your social life. Marx said, fundamentaleconomic determines social structures. As long as you are financiallysufficient then you will be able to pursue more spiritual needs. An economicdistressed individual hardly can have much capability for social life, whichleads to another vicious circle. It may sound harsh, but the reality is just asit is, hardly can never change. On the other hand, financial sufficient canprovide more comfortable life for families, as long as families happy, in asense it can make yourself happy too. Therefore, job does have more effects onthe individual happiness.

Admittedly, job may never bring you feelings likesocial life does as pure laugh and happiness. But take into account all thereasons above, for large extents that job could influence on our social life.Therefore, I agree that our job is more effect on our happiness than our sociallife does.

sherryzhangh

TPO18

The reading passage explored the issue of the decline of the Torreya trees and addressed three possible solutions. However, the professor holds the opposite opinions. And she argues against the 3 specific solutions accordingly to readdress her idea.

To begin with, the reading passage suggests use the same location to help the Torreya tree to survival. However, the professor strongly against it by pointing out the global warming has caused the dryness and drain of the Florida. Therefore, it is impossible to provide the suitable environment for Torreya to grow.

Secondly, the reading passage claims that should relocated the tree to more northern where is relatively cooler. On the other hand, the professor argues that may cause serious ecological problem. She took the Black luster as an example, which is relocated to another area due to the environmental suitable reason. But it grow so rapidly actually caused other species tress's declines, Which is also in the edge of extinction.

At last, the reading passage suggests use the monitored environment to create the microclimate in order to keep the tree live. However, the professor point out the lab capacity shortage won't provide enough population of the trees to against disease, which is easily infected by disease, therefore caused extinction.

In conclusion, the professor clearly identified the weaknesses of the reading passage and convincingly shows the tree solutions are not practical.

winnie98

批改：
8月20日Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Nowadays, withthe gradual fiercer(gradually fierce此处不需要比较急) competition in economics(economic competition更好,没见过competition后接in的用法), people have to dedicate more time and more endeavor to achieve a desired job. A desired job can bring you the social life that you being long to, meet more qualified(不恰当,可换成like-minded) people who also share the same interest with you. Therefore, I believe your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does(此句无错,但个人建议少用第二人称。容易造成混乱。除非是疑问句). The reasons are as follows.
To start with,every one of us, more or less need to spend 8 hours per day at work. Every morning, since the moment we open our eyes, we need to prepare work for theday. For the time sake, we need to spend one third of our time to works(work当工作时,uncount), there must be some happiness, success feeling, and belongings feelings(归属感belongingness/sense of belonging) as well as security feelings that job can bring to us. If you do not feel excited for theday, then hardly that I can say job will bring your any happiness(hardly 置前需要倒装). You will be like walking corpses. I could not think even social life will have any help foryou either, which put you into vicious circle. Take one of people that I knowfor example, he is(was) very unsatisfied about his current job, (考虑and连接的平行结构,此处可以去掉逗号)instead of do(doing) something about it, and he started to complaint(complain) it to every friend he know. At the beginning, people may(might) show some sympathy for(to) him, but as the whining becomes so severe, he actually pushes everyone away from himself. Needless to say how unhappy he became.(例子部分时态问题较多，不一一改了)


Another equally important point is that a desired job can bring your better financial rewards,thus to(thus用法不对,可改为and then ) bring more pigment(色素,只有具体的含义,无抽象意思) for your(前后段一会your,一会our,人称混乱,不能按中文作文的人称思路写英文写作) social life. Marx said, fundamental economic(economics) determines social structures. As long as you are financially sufficient then(有adv./adj.词性,无conj.词性,不可连接句子) you will be able to pursue more spiritual needs. An economic distressed individual hardly can have much capability for social life, which leads to another vicious circle. It may sound harsh, but the reality is just as it is, hardly can never change(双重否定???). On the other hand, financial sufficient(这是adj.) can provide more comfortable life for families, as long as families happy(as long as后得接完整的句子), in a sense(sense后要加that才能看出是从句) it can make yourself happy too. Therefore, job(可数n.前必须接a/the,或用jobs) does have more effects on the individual happiness.

Admittedly, job may never bring you feelings like social life does as pure laugh and happiness.(这句语法错误太多...改为a job may never bring us feelings,such as pure laugh and happiness, as the social life does.) But take into account all the reasons above, for large extents that job could influence on our social life.Therefore, I agree that our job is(jobs have) more effect on our happiness than our social life does.


亲，我觉得你应该先好好的理顺一下基本语法知识，查清楚各个词语的正确使用。
虽说语法稍微有点错误没事，但是你的语法错误有点多,会被扣分的，而且表达不清。


结构方面，建议有能力的话最好写5段文。开头(1)+分论点(3)+结尾。


格式方面，可以用两种形式：1.空行式 2.首行缩进式。
我觉得你是想用空行式吧？那么段与段之间需要空一行的。

klllun

The reading passage explored the issue ofthe decline of the Torreya trees and addressed three possible solutions. However, the professor holds the opposite opinions.And she argues againstthe 3 specific solutions accordingly to readdress her idea.

To begin with, the reading passage suggestsuse the same location to help the Torreya tree to survival. However, theprofessor strongly against it by pointing out the global warming has caused thedryness and drain of the Florida. Therefore, it is impossible to provide thesuitable environment for Torreya to grow.（简介明了，这段写的很好！学习了）

Secondly, the reading passage claims thatshould relocated the tree to more northern where is relatively cooler. On theother hand, the professor argues that may cause serious ecological problem. She took the Black luster as an example, which is relocated toanother area due tothe environmental suitable reason. But it grow so rapidly actually caused otherspecies tress's declines, Which is also in the edge of extinction.（查了听力的文本，这里是the black locust tree，洋槐树，名字最纠结啊。）

At last, the reading passage suggests usethe monitored environment to create the microclimate in order to keep the tree live. However,the professor point out thelab capacity shortage won't provide enough population of the trees toagainst disease, which is easily infected by disease, therefore caused extinction.

In conclusion, the professor clearlyidentified the weaknesses of the reading passage and convincingly shows thetree solutions are not practical.
（最后一段可以不用，一般综合四段就好了。）

Sherryzhangh的文章有一气呵成的感觉。以后要常常来学习啊。感觉很好第一句都是总结了reading中的内容，而且教授指出文中的问题时都用到了概括性的名词，好厉害啊！崇拜一下下~所以表述就是简单精炼，感觉很流畅。大赞一个！

sherryzhangh

TPO19
The reading passage explored the new tactics of advertising called buzz, and tends to hold the opinion of strongly agaist it. Moreover, the reading passage listed 3 specific nagative impacts on people and society to support its ideas. However, one of the buzzer holds the opposite opinions, and he argues back to the three specific points accordingly.

To start with, the reading passage claims that the buzz was conducted by the people we trusted. If they paid to buzz it, they would have to say the product is good instead of telling the truth. However, the buzzer argues that people becomes buzzer not only because they will get paid but also they really enjoy the products. Therefore, the positive massage which the buzzer are sending is the nothing but the truth.

Secondly, the reading passage states that when buzzer hidden privately and express how great the products was, the audience will 100% trust the statement without any skeptical. However, the buzzer claims hat quite the opposite, the audience usually ask a lot of questions about the products. If the buzzer couldn’t provide answer to them properly, they won't necessarily buy the buzzer's sell.

At last, the reading passage believes the buzz will harmful the relationship between people thus causes distrustful hazard among the society. On the other hand, the buzzer claims that they only have good intentions of really eager to introduce the products which they had amazing experience to others, nothing but sincere only. Therefore, it's unlikely will cause any spread of mistrust and the expectation of dishonesty.

In conclusion, the buzzer clearly argued back the reading passage and convincingly shows that they are nothing but sincerely appreciated the products.