Sherryzhangh 加入写作小分队的首篇独立作文，欢迎拍砖！7月7号

gre呀gre

8.2 独立

Nowadays, as the gradually global economics developing, the world isbecome smaller and smaller, people choosing to live and work in differentcountries or cities (没有谓语啊妹纸，应该加上一个are) more often thanbefore. For better personally career development, for further education, aswell as for personal fantasy for strange places（然后呢姑娘？为了这三个，所以要巴拉巴拉主谓宾啊，后面应该加上we should move to a new place神马的）. As for（far） as Iam concerned, I tend to disagree that move（moving主语应该是名词~） to a new city or new country will loseof （lose是vt，直接加后面的对象就好）old friends.

To start with, as the new technology developed, more moderncommunication tools such as cellphone and computer （are）available to everyone, （句号）carry（Carrying，只有名词才能做主语） a cellphone make us reachable whatever, whenever and wherever weare, （句号）friends and family can communicatewith us simply just dial（dialing） ourphone number. Moreover, Internet technology makesthe people came （come）closer and closer. Skype, MSN, as well as QQ make Internet communication mucheasier; you could （use， audio不能当动词）audio or video with friends andfamily wherever the Internet is available. It’s just like talk to them face toface. How can we say we will lose our friends if we move to another city or anothercountry if we can talk to（with） them so conveniently?

Another equally important idea is friends or family would not belost if they really care about you. When you make an important decision such aslive or work in another countries I believe your friends should be supportive.They should realize the decision is not easy, and for your best interests, goodfriends would not step the way for you. Besides, the transportation is so convenience（convenient）;they could always take train orairplane to visit you.

Admittedly,move（moving） to anew place at first（the beginning更好） maymake you feel nervous, as long as you have your old friends and family’s supportive（support）.（这句话逻辑不通顺啊，“刚到一个新地方的时候，你可能会感到紧张，只要你有你的朋友和家人的支持”，改一下呗） Eventually you will go through al lthe hardness. Moreover, you canmeet a lot of new friends, and started a new adventurefor（in） your life.

Inconclusion, new technology makes long distance communication andtravel easier.Therefore, move to another city is less likely to lose oldfriends.

Tips：

1.妹纸，你的句子结构感觉有点薄弱，短句绝对没问题，但是长句就漏掉东西，比如最重要的谓语什么的，所以建议你在写长句的时候先把主句的结构写好，然后再写那些补充的东西，这样会很大程度上减少你的错误；

2, 文章里没有例子或者数据的支持啊，在OG上的范文里属于3分的作文，最后折合下来大概是18分到22分，所以你就知道例子细节数据什么的重要性的吧？没有亲身经历的例子，不知道数据，咱们都可以编嘛对不对？

3. 有些词的词性不太混用了，一定要清楚这个词是名词还是动词还是形容词，动词到底能不能加后面的宾语，如果不想背单词的话可以多看满分作文，这样就了解了~

4. 最后的最后，题目要审清啊，题目问的是old friend，这和family没有关系啊，无关的东西带入的越少越好，显得文章不冗杂~

Anyway，加油妹纸！

sherryzhangh

Parentsshould help children to do their work or encourage children to do their workindependently

Nowadays inChina, only child families are the mainstream of the society. No doubts aboutit the children is the center of the whole family even the whole universe.Parents, even grandparents are all have tones of time to take care of theirlittle emperor. When it comes to whether they should help children to do theirwork or just let children to do it on their own, people do hold differentthoughts. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree we should encourage thechildren to do their work independently.

To beginwith, you will never learn how to swim if you are not in the water, likewise,children will never grow up if parents do not let them do their own work independently.Children may encounter unexpected difficulties while they were trying on theirown. Moreover they might fail. However, as the old saying, fail is the motherof success. Only if they went through the process, then they could have abetter understanding of the hardness they been through. More importantly, theycould understand nothing is easier than it looks, as well as learn how toappreciate things. Take myself as an example, when I was young, I want to havea kitty-cat. But my parents told me they could let me have the kitty only inone condition, Which is I have to take whole responsibility about the kitty,including take care of the cat toilet, provide food and water. As my washed andpromised, I did have my kitty cat, and she has been with me since then.Moreover, it does make me understand more about responsibilities.

Anotherequally important idea is help should be set a degree when parents really haveto get involved. Parents are allowed to guild for children rather than just doit for them. Children are incurious to everything, some times the work they aretrying to do may lead to great danger. As parents, should offer advises to helpchildren avoid that kind of situation.

Admittedly,helping children do their work means a great deal of joy for parents. However,it is more importantly to train the children become a better person if we givethem more freedom to do it on their own.

Inconclusion, I believe parents should let children to do their workindependently rather than just help them and do it for them.

sarahpx

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩处绿色总结红色错误

Sorry, 偶第一次在小分队改作文，也不知道对不对。可能说错的很多，如果冒犯sherry ，真是千千万万的抱歉~~

Nowadays in China, onlychild families are the mainstream of the society. No doubts about it（别扭，最好用it’s no doubt that） the children are the center of the whole family even the whole universe. Parents, even grandparents，are all have(have 有点单薄，devote如何？) tones of time to take care of their little emperor. When it comes to whether they should help children to do their work or just let children to do it on their own, people do hold different thoughts. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree（that） we should encourage the children to do their work independently.

（开头有点弱，逻辑感觉有点跳跃，独生子女家庭的现象就直接到主题了？我想可能两者之间的联系亲你想到了但没说明白。）

To begin with,you will never learn how to swim if you are not in the water, likewise, children will never grow up if parents do not let them do their own work independently（上面已经重复几次，可以考虑同意替换，do比较泛，用1,2次即可，最好用更实的词汇）. Children may encounter unexpected difficulties while they were trying（try what?） on their own. Moreover they might fail.（亲你这句应该是要说而且他们可能失败，但是表递进moreover又跟下面这个however紧挨着，有点让人混乱+_+）However, as the old saying, fail is the mother of success. Only if they went through the process, then they could(could they 倒装？) have a better understanding of the hardness they been (got) through. More importantly, they could understand nothing is easier than it looks（sorry,你是要说看起来容易做起来难的意思吗？）, as well as learn how to appreciate things. Take myself as an example, when I was young(这个范围有点广，用child 或者直接说几岁？), I want to have a kitty-cat. But my parents told me they could let me have the kitty only in one condition, Which is I have to take whole responsibility about the kitty, including take care of the cat toilet and provide food and water. As I wished and promised, I did have my kitty cat, and she has been with me since then. Moreover, it does make me understand more about responsibilities.

（这段例子还比较贴切，就是层次有点多，论证的说服性不强）

Another equally important idea is that help should be set a degree（有一个度？亲，不带这么直译的@_@。finite and rational 如何？） when parents really have to get involved. Parents are allowed to guild for children rather than just do it for them. Children are incurious to everything, sometimes the work they are trying to do may lead to great danger. As parents, should offer advises to help children avoid that kind of situation.（主语涅？as 引导的是个状语，亲）

Admittedly, helping children do their work means a great deal of joy for parents. However, it is more importantly to train the children become a better person if we give them more freedom to do it on their own（重复了几次了，替换下？）.（这段说的意思是不是跟第一段重复？）

In conclusion, I believe parents should let children to do their work independently rather than just help them and do it for them.

Sorry, 改的有点鸡婆。如果说错了千万别怪，怪我毒舌，就当一阵风飘过，飘过，过………………好了，。。。。



1. 你的论述展开不太充分，全文看上去好像就第一段一个分观点。逻辑上面也有点不连贯。

此外，第二段又退回来说如果要help应该怎么做，这个好像跟你主观点不一致哦？上考场最好不要这么摇摆不定。

2.结构：第二三段也太少了，此外结尾不有力。

3. 表达有点中文化，如果可以，试着以后用英文的思维去写。此外亲你的语法基础要加强，各类复杂句都多练练手。

4. 词汇有些单一，有的意思反复一个词说，这样被e-rater测到就杯具鸟，还有你的however，moreover 出现的时候要三思，如果用错了，也很吃亏的。

一起 加油哈，亲！

sarahpx

额滴神，怎么复制上来的字这么小，额，sherry同学讲究看吧~

sherryzhangh

8月5号 独立

The impact that movies ortelevisions have had on our daily life, and society in general, is undeniable.  A coin has two sides, like wise, so as themovies and televisions effects on young people’s behavior. Some holds thepositive attitude argues that the movies have passed the mainstream value tothe young generation. On the other hand, some other contends that movies andtelevisions had myriads of limited and inappropriate language, scene that notsuitable for youth, so that inevitable will cause negative effects for them. Asfar as I am concerned, I agree with the latter.

To begin with, one of themovies and televisions biggest sales points would be violence; the violencescene will get the audience aroused, as well as excited their blood andimpulse. When young people watched those scenes, which subconsciously willimpact on their behaviors. Take the action movie as an example, when kids sawthe fighting scene involved with bleeding, they will excite and try to imitatethe drama scene with friends or strangers. It is possible that unpleasedincident will happen. Moreover, the youth is easy to be addicted by movies andtelevisions; coach potato is a very serious society issues nowadays, youngpeople prefer to sitting on the coach watch TV or play video games instead ofhung out with friends. Eventually, their social interact abilities will beharmed thus cause serious psychological problems. Therefore, tragedy mighthappened, the recent Unite States “Batman” premier gunshot case may relate withthe negative effects from the movies.

Another equally importantidea is movie has mainstream value orientation, but individual youth havevarious cognition. It is not rare that some inspired by the movies andtelevisions thus turn out to be a great success. Take the great movie directorJames Camera as an example, when he saw the movie “Star War”, he immediatelyquit the current job as a truck driver, and determined to be a great moviedirector. Luckily we had “Titanic” and “ Avatars”, it is not only contributes agreat deal to the audience’s value about love but also to the movie history. Onthe other hand, some others may take the opposite cognitions and leads toharmful behaviors. The psychological troubled individuals youth some timesimitate the villain in the movie.

Admittedly, every directorand producer of the movie and TV industrial initially all have good intentionsof passing the beauty of the world. However, the commercial and consumersdemands may lead to the opposite. For example, some TV channel in order toraising rates and get better financial return so as to concoct and exaggeratethe unhealthy individual value orientations and pass it to the mass, Therefore,they would created controversial topic to attracts more audiences. Indeed, needlessto say how harmful is it.  

In conclusion, movies andtelevisions do great impacts on youth’s behavior. In order to wisely used suchmedia. The policy maker needs to pay more attentions on the regulations thusdecease the negative influence on youth.

sherryzhangh

8月5号 综合
The reading passage and the professor both explored the issue of whether thepainting of older woman servant is painted by Rembrandt or not. The reading passage uses three specific explanations to argues that the painting is unlikely painted by Rembrandt himself. On the other hand, the professor holds the opposite idea and against back the three count parts that brought out by the reading passage.

To begin with, the reading passage claims that the portraits is an old servant women, it is unlikely that women servant would afford the luxurious fur collar which she was wearing which showed inconsistence with Rembrandts detail focused work. however, the professors argues that the fur was added 100 years later by someone else in order to increase value of the original painting; the original paint does painted by Rembrandt himself.

Moreover, the reading passage states that Rembrandt suppose to be the master of the painting light user, however, the painting's rarely shows that. On the contrary, the professor argues back, once the adding parts were removed. The original painting was just very simple color and realistic.

At last, the reading passage claims that Rembrandt’s painting usually painted on single piece of wood, the controversial painting reveals it was made of several pieces and glued together. On the other hand, the professor argues that the painting was enlarged and tries to make it look grander than before; the original was on the single piece of wood. Moreover, the wood it's from the same tree with another famous painting of Rembrandt, self- portraits with hat.

上善若水1018

The reading passage andthe professor both explored the issue of whether the painting of older womanservant is painted by Rembrandt or not. The reading passage uses three specificexplanations to argues that the painting is unlikely painted by Rembrandt himself.On the other hand, the professor holds the opposite idea and against back thethree count parts that brought out by the reading passage. （开头很好）
To begin with, thereading passage claims that the portraits is an old servant women, it isunlikely that women servant would afford the luxurious fur collar which she waswearing which showed inconsistence with Rembrandts detail focused work. However, the professor argues that the fur wasadded 100 years later by someone else in order to increase value of theoriginal painting; the original paint does painted by Rembrandt himself.（讲座中提到一个细节，通过对fur collar颜料的分析，是和其他部分不一样的。Fur collar这部分不是R画的，而是后人加上去的。所以passage以这点来攻击此话非R所画是不成立的）
Moreover, the readingpassage states that Rembrandt suppose to be the master of the painting lightuser, however, the painting's rarely shows that. On the contrary, the professorargues back, once the adding parts were removed. The original painting was justvery simple color and realistic. （这个是说把furcollar移除后，原画中的light color 的领子反射了光线，于是导致了脸上没有阴影。这是很realistic的，很符合R的风格。因此也反驳了文章）
Atlast, the reading passage claims that Rembrandt’s painting usually painted onsingle piece of wood, the controversial painting reveals it was made of severalpieces and glued together. On the other hand, the professor argues that thepainting was enlarged and tries to make it look grander than before; theoriginal was on the single piece of wood. Moreover, the wood it's from the sametree with another famous painting of Rembrandt, self- portraits with hat.

浅吟天

8月5号 独立

黄色 好的+模板 红色 我认为错的 绿色 批注

The impact that movies ortelevisions have had on our daily life, and society in general, is undeniable.  A coin has two sides, like wise, so as themovies and televisions effects on young people’s behavior.（前面是对daily life有影响，后面是behavior，这里没看出a coin的正反面啊，所以建议取掉A coin has two sides） Some holds thepositive attitude argues that the movies have passed the mainstream value tothe young generation. On the other hand, some other contends that movies andtelevisions had myriads of limited and inappropriate language, scene that notsuitable for youth, so that inevitable will cause negative effects for them. Asfar as I am concerned, I agree with the latter.

To begin with, one of the（不要把）movies and televisions biggest sales points would be violence; the violencescene will get the audience aroused, as well as excited their blood andimpulse. When young people watched those scenes, which subconsciously willimpact on their behaviors. Take the action movie as an example, when kids sawthe fighting scene involved with bleeding, they will excite and try to imitatethe drama scene with friends or strangers. It is possible that unpleasedincident will happen. Moreover, the youth is easy to be addicted by movies andtelevisions; coach potato is a very serious society issues nowadays, youngpeople prefer to sitting on the coach watch TV or play video games instead ofhung（hanging) out with friends. Eventually, their social interact abilities will beharmed (加一个and） thus cause serious psychological problems. Therefore, tragedy mighthappened, the recent Unite States “Batman” premier gunshot case may relate withthe negative effects from the movies.（我觉得这个例子应该放到前一个理由那儿。后面主要讲的coath potato，这样不是很搭了哈）

Another equally importantidea is movie has mainstream value orientation, but individual youth have various cognition. It is not rare that some inspired by the movies andtelevisions thus turn out to be a great success. Take the great movie directorJames Camera as an example, when he saw the movie “Star War”, he immediatelyquit the current job as a truck driver, and determined to be a great moviedirector. Luckily we had “Titanic” and “ Avatars”, it is not only contributes（两个谓语啦） agreat deal to the audience’s value about love but also to the movie history. Onthe other hand, some others may take the opposite cognitions and leads toharmful behaviors. The psychological troubled individuals youth some timesimitate the villain in the movie.

Admittedly, every directorand producer of the movie and TV industrial initially all have good intentionsof passing the beauty of the world. However, the commercial and consumersdemands may lead to the opposite. For example, some TV channel in order toraising rates（我查了下好像rating才有收视率的意思） and get better financial return so as to concoct and exaggeratethe unhealthy individual value orientations and pass it to the mass, Therefore,they would created controversial topic to attracts more audiences. Indeed, needlessto say how harmful is it.  

In conclusion, movies andtelevisions do great impacts on youth’s behavior. In order to wisely used suchmedia. The policy maker needs to pay more attentions on the regulations thusdecease the negative influence on youth.

-- by 会员 sherryzhangh (2012/8/5 22:06:29)
我觉得你的例子真的举得很好！！我们俩这篇作文的思路有相通的地方，但你写的比我生动。唯一有点问题的就是结尾，应该再次点出你觉得positive还是negetive把，落在regulation上没很点题，你觉得呢~~~（ps lz能把字分分开吗，看起有点小吃力哈）
还有，红色的若你觉得我改错了，一定要给我说，一起学习！

sherryzhangh

8月6日

High school students should take a course on basic economics.

Nowadays, as the gradually fiercercompetition in economics and society, understand the basic and essence of theeconomics will strengthen individual’s ability in the competition. Therefore,some people advocate high school student should take the course of basiceconomics. However, I tend to hold the opposite ideas, my statement are asfollowings.

To begin with, high school student wasburdened by heavy massive courses already. Have you ever see all high school students’context books? If you look into one of high school students’ classroom, I amsure you will see tons of books on their desk; the whole room even looks likelibrary. Needless to say how heavy the study task it is for them. Moreover,especially in China, the high school student facing the pressure of enrolled byuniversity. The students have to spear no effort to pursue a good score thusenrolled by better university. Therefore, it is unlikely they could take basiceconomics course which are not required by the university’s enroll examination.

Another important statement iseconomics rather abstract. If student never familiar with advanced mathematics,it will be very hard for them to understand economics. In economic study, thereare a lot of laws and terms, which is evolved from advanced mathematics; highschool students only have basic mathematics knowledge. In other words, highschool students just simply not qualified to study basic economics due to lackof relatively advanced mathematics knowledge.

The last but not the least, noteveryone is interested in economics. Some people interested in natural science,some are more into engineering, some are fan of medical; Thus, adding basiceconomics course may become another extra burden for students who are not sointerested in it. Take myself as an example; I am a literature major studentwho more interested in literature, history, art, and movie. If my high schooladds the basic economic course, I will be more headache than ever. Needless tosay I am already complained about the mathematics and physics.

In conclusion, high school students areburden too much courses, their insufficient basic knowledge on advancemathematics, as well as individuals different interests, all made the idea ofadding basic economics course to high school rather unreasonable.

sherryzhangh

The reading passage and professor's lecture both explored the issue whether dinosaurs are endotherms or not. The reading passage uses three specific arguments to claim that the dinosaurs are the endotherms. However, the professor holds the opposite idea, and she argues back to court parts which brought out by the reading passage.

To start with, the reading passage claimed that the dinosaurs are endotherms by state the dinosaurs fossils had been found in the polar regions, which approve that dinosaurs are endotherms because they could living such cold climates. on the contrary, the professor argues back the polar region in that period may not cold like nowadays. Moreover, the professor also indicates that dinosaur may migrate to other area when polar region becomes cold. Therefore, fossils been found in the polar region does not approve that they are endotherms.

Moreover, the reading passage argues that dinosaur’s legs are underneath the body instead of like crocodiles at the two sides of the body. That proves dinosaurs are just like other endotherms using body to running. However, the professor states that the dinosuar have underneath legs more like function as support body weight to grow larger instead of running.

At last, the professor agrees that dinosaur does contain Haversian canals which help them to grow quickly in their bone structure. However, the professor states that growth ring of dinosaur are rather different, some thick, some are not, which means they are not always grow so quickly, they might grow quickly in the warm period, slower in the cold period, but one of the endotherms typical characters is they always grow very fast, which approve dinosaurs are not the endotherms.