新人报道，求指导！！！

lihaolan

3.9独立
In modern society, due to rapid development of advanced transportation, people in growing number are more willing to leave their hometown in order to pursue a promising future. However, is it true that people who move out of their native country are more successful and happier compared with those who stay in their hometown all their life?As far as I am concerned, it is unwise to move out of one's native country indiscriminately, which cannot bring much benefits.

First and foremost, it is widely acknowledged that people who are away from their native town are lonelier rather than happier. I would be hard-pressed to imagine that people away from their country and without friends can be truly happy. Admittedly, moving to a new place can afford you a sense of fresh. However, it also means you have to make new friends, which seems impossible. There is no deny that the truly friends are almost those who grow up with you. Therefore, it is formidable to make truly friends in a unfamiliar place. Without friends, how can people be happier than in the past？

Further, although majority of people hold that being to new place will enable them to improve a wide variety of abilities, which offers them great chance to succeed, yet they are supposed to face a number of drawbacks in other country. On one hand, you are not well-acquainted with the new place, not to mention find more opportunity to succeed. It is not uncommon that native corporations are reluctant to employ the foreigners, which exerts negative impacts on your career development. On the other hand, the network has to be rebuild, which is a difficult task. On no account that people success without a broad network. Thus, leaving to new town is unlikely to contribute to your successful career.

Last but not least, the cultural difference between two places is greater than people imagine. Also, people in different towns are various. The reason for this phenomenon is that people grow in different environment, which plays an essential role in one's moral value and character. When people are not accordance with the society, they will be ignored and denigrated by others, not to mention to be happy or succeed. These disadvantages should not be neglected, otherwise people are bound to pay a heavy price for their unreflective decision.

All in all, in spite of some advantages of leaving to new town, it is not without its own problems, which definitely far outweigh its advantages. Thus, moving out of native town or village doesn't enable people be more successful or happier.

lihaolan

3.10独立
In present society, people tend to confuse the conception of letting others making decisions and listening to others advice, which leads to an illusion that most people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves. Although during the childhood, we may obey the decisions of our parents, we actually make decisions by ourselves when we grow up.

First and foremost, it is absurd to equate following others advice with enabling others make decisions for us. There is no denying that listening to others advice is beneficial to us while conforming to the others' decision indiscriminately exerts adverse effects on our career development. The difference lays in the one's independence. Nobody has a better understanding of a person than himself. Admittedly, it is not uncommon that we may ask for suggestion from myriad of people while making decisions. However, the final decision is always made by us. In addition, I would be hard-pressed to imagine that an adult does not make decisions on his own but totally relies on others.

Further, all the people process independence, which means they always make decisions by ourselves. A recent survey conducted by Peking University indicates that although people may be influenced by external aspects when making decisions, yet they still always follow their mind and have their own concern rather than follow others blindly. Independence is the signal of one's mental mature. People who let others make decisions for them will be regarded as incompetence. Also, especially when the decision is related to grant interests, people are unlikely to totally letting others make decisions for them because of his fear of being deceived.

Last but not least, the education places considerable emphasis on making decisions independently, which plays an important role in one's formative period. Because a person has more thorough understanding of his circumstance and interests, teachers usually urge students to make decisions on them own rather than make decisions for them. Therefore, people are more accustom to making decisions on their own. Moreover, parents also warn their children to rely on themselves, because only if they can make decisions by themselves will they be capable to deal with the dilemma confidently and successfully.

All in all, even though people may ask others' advice when making decisions, the majority of people still make the final and decisive choices instead letting others make decisions for them.

Tancyfox

In modern society, due to rapid development of advanced transportation, people in growing number are more willing to leave their hometown in order to pursue a promising future. However, is it true that people who move out of their native country are more successful and happier compared with those who stay in their hometown all their life?As far as I am concerned, it is unwise to move out of one's native country indiscriminately, which cannot bring much（many） benefits.

First and foremost, it is widely acknowledged that people who are away from their native town are lonelier rather than happier. I would be hard-pressed to imagine that people away from their country and without friends can be truly happy. Admittedly, moving to a new place can afford you a sense of fresh. However, it also means you have to make new friends, which seems impossible. There is no deny that the truly friends are almost those who grow up with you（词性不太对）. Therefore, it is formidable to make truly friends in a unfamiliar place. Without friends, how can people be happier than in the past？

Further, although majority of people hold that being to new place will enable them to improve a wide variety of abilities, which offers them great chance to succeed, yet they are supposed to face a number of drawbacks in other country. On one hand, you are not well-acquainted with the new place, not to mention find more opportunity to succeed. It is not uncommon that native corporations are reluctant to employ the foreigners, which exerts negative impacts on your career development. On the other hand, the network has to be rebuild（t）, which is a difficult task. On no account that people success without a broad network. Thus, leaving to new town is unlikely to contribute to your successful career.

Last but not least, the cultural difference between two places is greater than people imagine. Also, people in different towns are various. The reason for this phenomenon is that people grow in different environment, which plays an essential role in one's moral value and character. When people are not accordance with the society, they will be ignored and denigrated by others, not to mention to be happy or succeed. These disadvantages should not be neglected, otherwise people are bound to pay a heavy price for their unreflective decision.

All in all, in spite of some advantages of leaving to new town, it is not without its own problems, which definitely far outweigh its advantages. Thus, moving out of native town or village doesn't enable people be（to do） more successful or happier.

                 文中用的词汇很丰富，句子形式很多，而且都没什么语法错误，全文结构较为严谨，逻辑清楚，可以再增加一些文中的衔接词，要向你学习吖~

lihaolan

3.11独立
In present society, television is no long novel, which has spread worldwide. People in growing number, especially teenagers, are addicted to watching TV programs instead of reading books. They argue that they can obtain more from television. Is this really the case? Perhaps no. As far as I am concerned, books can offer more knowledge compared with televisions, which has persuasive evidences to substantiate.

First and foremost, it is widely acknowledged that TV programs are too commercial to be educational. For instance, TV programs have been awash with a number of advertisements, which not only persuades people to buy what they do not need but also has adverse effects on teenagers' psychological well-being. When teenagers are attracted by these advertisements, they are more likely to go astray because they don't have money to buy what they want. In addition, myriad of teenagers watch TV just for fun rather than acquiring knowledge, which in fact distract their attentions from assignments. These problems have caused widespread concern. Both parents and authorities endeavor to prevent teenagers from misleading TV programs.

Further, there is no denying that the content of books is almost educational and beneficial, which encourages youngsters to chase their dream and promote mental health. Take the autobiography of Jobs for example, the content of this book is so attractive that I read it several times. When I am confronted with the dilemma, I always resort to this book for it can offer me a sense of confidence and perseverance. A recent survey conducted by Peking University indicates that the people who used to read books are more likely to succeed in their career compared with those who are addicted to TV programs.

Last but not least, admittedly, the TV programs are always up-to-date, which can provide you with the latest news. However, the books are also modified several times and each year there are a number of new books being published. Therefore, we can still rely on books to acquire the new knowledge. In addition, the books have been censored more stringently than the TV programs in China. The content ofpornography and violence will never appear on the books, which sometimes is shown on the TV programs.

All in all, although the TV programs are free to watch and may have some positive effects, yet the vicious impacts far outweigh its advantages, not to mention that we can acquire much knowledge from it. However, the books offers us not only the practical skills but plenty inspiration and motivation. Therefore, reading books is bound to benefit you more.

lihaolan

3.10
haolan改sylviazhang
sylviazhang改tancyfox
Tancyfox 改lihaolan

lihaolan

3.12独立
In modern society, people in growing number are always confronted with myriad of issues which remain to be handled. A great percentage of people prefer to deal with various tasks at the same time with the help of the state-and-the-art equipment, such as computer, internet and so on. However, they fail to take into account the limit of people's energy which restricts the number of problems you can resolve simultaneously. Therefore, I am in favor of doing few things one time in order to accomplish the assignments well, which has been substantiated by persuasive evidences.

First and foremost, there is no denying that the few assignments you working on, the more efficient you are. The reason why you can be more productive when doing few works is that it enables you thoroughly concentrate on your assignments. When you dealing different works, you attention may be distracted. A recent survey conducted by Peking University indicates that working on few assignments is less time-consuming compared with working on several different assignments in term of the time spending on individual assignment. How can a person switch the mind between math and literature efficiently?

Further, working on few assignments also contributes to high quality. It is widely acknowledged that when working on few works, you may be more careful, which exerts positive impact on one's work. In contrast, dealing numerous works simultaneously will lead to a number of mistakes. Worse ever, you may confuse the different assignments. For instance, if I work on math and biology at the same time, I will use the knowledge of math to do the biological assignments, which is bound to results in poor quality.

Last but not least, working on few tasks at a time plays an essential role in creativity of the task. Society nowadays places considerable emphasis on originality. However, dealing myriad of assignments makes you exhausted. I would be hard-expressed to imagine that the people without energy can create something novel. In contrast, people who dedicate in one task are more likely to accomplish assignments creatively. For instance, Jobs who only engage in the electronic products produces a wide range of original commodities.

All in all, admittedly, the advanced technology enables us work on different tasks at the same time. However, for the sake of accomplishing assignments flawlessly, we are supposed to do few things simultaneously.

yzwdan818

3.11独立
In present society, television is no long novel, which has spread worldwide. People in growing number, especially teenagers, are addicted（直接用addicts oneself to sth 会不会好点？和后面的read更对称一些） to watching TV programs instead of reading books. They argue that they can obtain more from television. Is this really the case? Perhaps no. As far as I am concerned, books can offer more knowledge compared with televisions, which(在标准书面语里which 不能指代前面整句话，最好不要这样用) has persuasive evidences to substantiate.



First and foremost, it is widely acknowledged that TV programs are too commercial to be educational. For instance, TV programs have been awash with a number of advertisements, which not only persuades people to buy what they do not need but also has adverse effects on teenagers' psychological well-being. When teenagers are attracted by these advertisements, they are more likely to go astray because they don't have money to buy what they want. In addition, myriad of teenagers watch TV just for fun rather than acquiring knowledge, which（如上所示which的指代问题） in fact distract their attentions from assignments. These problems have caused widespread concern. Both parents and authorities endeavor to prevent teenagers from misleading TV programs.



Further, there is no denying that the content of books is almost educational and beneficial, which encourages youngsters to chase their dream and promote mental health. Take the autobiography of Jobs for example, the content of this book is so attractive that I read it several times. When I am confronted with the dilemma, I always resort to this book for it can offer me a sense of confidence and perseverance. A recent survey conducted by Peking University indicates that the people who used to read books are more likely to succeed in their career compared with those who are addicted to TV programs.



Last but not least, admittedly, the TV programs are always up-to-date, which can provide you with the latest news. However, the books are also modified several times and each year there are a number of new books being published. Therefore, we can still rely on books to acquire the new knowledge. In addition, the books have been censored more stringently than the TV programs in China. The content of （中间没空格哦）pornography and violence will never appear on the books, which sometimes is shown on the TV programs.



All in all, although the TV programs are free to watch（还是要收费的呢） and may have some positive effects, yet(although和yet只能有一个） the vicious impacts far outweigh its advantages, not to mention that we can acquire much knowledge from it. However, the books offers us not only the practical skills but（also不能省） plenty inspiration and motivation. Therefore, reading books is bound to benefit you more.

整体来说，作者英语基础很好，结构清晰，语言流畅，用了很多短语，词汇量也很大，这是一篇很好的文章。我之前没考过T，只考过GMAT，所以只能从我学GMAT的经验中提出两个小建议，说得不对的地方还请作者见谅：1.which的指代问题，which不能指代前面整句话，这在GMAT的语法题里是个经典的错误；2.在文章的内容上，我会将你第一个理由和第二个理由合成一个，就是书比电视更具教育意义，然后第二个理由我会写书给我更多想象和思考的空间，举例：哈姆雷特这本书。

第一次帮别人改作文，能力有限还望见谅！从作者的文章中学到很多，非常感谢！

深水猫

3.10 迟来的独立修改

In present society, people tend to confuse the conception of letting others making decisions and listening to others advice(others’ advices 似乎是这么写，下面不改了), which leads to an illusion that most people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves. Although during the childhood, we may obey the decisions of our parents, we actually make decisions by ourselves when we grow up.

First and foremost, it is absurd to equate following others advice with enabling others make decisions for us. There is no denying that listening to others advice is beneficial to us while conforming to the others' decision indiscriminately exerts（will exert） adverse effects on our career development. The difference lays in the one's independence. Nobody has a better understanding of a person than himself. Admittedly, it is not uncommon that we may ask for suggestion from myriad of people while making decisions. However, the final decision is always made by us. In addition, I would be hard-pressed to imagine that an adult does not make decisions on his own but totally relies on others.(个人认为这一段全部是论述，如果有一个例子证明all of us will make the final decision by ourselves 会更好)

Further, all the people process（为什么用这个词。。加工的意思么。。） independence, which means they（we） always make decisions by ourselves. A recent survey conducted by Peking University

indicates that although people may be influenced by external aspects when making decisions, yet they still always follow their mind and have their own concern rather than follow others blindly. Independence is the signal of one's mental mature. People who let others make decisions for them will be regarded as incompetence. Also, especially when the decision is related to grant interests, people are unlikely to totally letting others make decisions for them because of his fear of being deceived.

Last but not least, the education places considerable emphasis on making decisions independently, which plays an important role in one's formative period. Because a person has more thorough understanding of his circumstance and interests, teachers usually urge students to make decisions on them own rather than make decisions for them(这个对比有歧义吧，不知道怎么改。。). Therefore, people are more accustom（accustomed） to making decisions on their own. Moreover, parents also warn(encourage ) their children to rely on themselves, because only if they can make decisions by themselves will they be capable to deal(of dealing) with the dilemma confidently and successfully.

All in all, even though people may ask others' advice when making decisions, the majority of people still make the final and decisive choices instead letting others make decisions for them.

没什么大问题，语法词汇句型都挺好的，只是单就这篇文章而言，理论论证好像稍微饶了一点让我有些dizzy(可能是我个人原因)。其它都很好，加油！

lihaolan

3.13独立
In the present society, the issue about the importance of collaboration has caused wide disputation. Some people hold fast that the significant of cooperation remains same as what in the old days, because they live under the illusion that people can handle all the things by themselves. However, they fail to take into account the rapid change of modern society, which attaches great significant to collaboration. Therefore, I favor that cooperation is increasingly crucial in modern society, which has been substantiated by persuasive evidences.

First and foremost, there is no denying that the fiercer the competition is, the more importance the collaboration is. Because the number of population has soared up while the resource is finite, the competition is definitely become more and more fierce. The ability of individual is no long guarantee their survivor, not to mention succeed. For the sake of a favorable competition edge, people tend to joint force and form the group in order to make themselves distinguished in the fierce competition. Thus, the competition promotes and forces people to cooperate with each other. Those who lack the abilities of collaboration are bound to be weeded out by society. So we cannot emphasize the importance of collaboration too much.

Further, it is widely acknowledged that people have made extraordinary progress in state-and-the-art technology. The advanced technology promotes the significant of cooperation. In the past, people tend to have narrow network and it seems unnecessary and unlikely to cooperate with others, because they lack efficient means of communication and transportation. In stark contrast to, modern technology enables people have effective communication with others. Also, the cutting-edge transportation shortens the time on road. Thanks to the dramatic development of technology, which facilitates the globalization, it is much more vital to grasp the ability of collaboration in order to get accustomed to this period.

Last but not least, in present society, people are more likely to be confronted with difficulties and threatens, which call for collaboration. Take the poor quality commodities for example, only if the people joint force to protect their right will they be capable of competing with the powerful manufacturers. The same thing also happens in protecting environment. A number of companies or corporations sacrifice the environment for money. Without the collaboration, their misbehaviors will not cease. Thus, it is definitely much more vital today for people to grasp the ability of collaboration.

All in all, nowadays collaboration is supposed to be placed more emphasis on because of the reality of present society. In order to pursue a high quality life, we are supposed to learn more about how to corporate.

AYSS

3.13独立
In the present society, the issue about the importance of collaboration has caused wide disputation. Some people hold fast that the significant（significance） of cooperation remains same as what in the old days（in the past更简洁些哇？~）, because they live under the illusion that people can handle all the things by themselves. However, they fail to take into account the rapid change of modern society, which attaches great significant to collaboration. Therefore, I favor that cooperation is increasingly crucial in modern society, which has been substantiated by persuasive evidences.

First and foremost, there is no denying that the fiercer the competition is, the more importance(important) the collaboration is. Because the number of population has soared up while the resource is finite, the competition is definitely become more and more fierce. The ability of individual is no long guarantee their survivor(surviving?), not to mention succeed. For the sake of a favorable competition edge, people tend to joint force(like in the army a little, is join up better?) and form the(a) group in order to make themselves distinguished in the fierce competition. Thus, the competition promotes and forces people to cooperate with each other. Those who(can be delete) lack the abilities of collaboration are bound to be weeded out by society. So we cannot emphasize the importance of collaboration too much.

Further, it is widely acknowledged that people have made extraordinary progress in state-and-the-art(state-of-the-art) technology. The advanced technology promotes the significant of cooperation(为什么是先进技术推进或者促进合作的意义捏？~木有看懂). In the past, people tend to have narrow network and it seems unnecessary and unlikely to cooperate with others, because they lack efficient means of communication and transportation. In stark contrast to, modern technology enables people have effective communication with others. Also, the cutting-edge transportation shortens the time on road. Thanks to the dramatic development of technology, which facilitates the globalization, it is much more vital to grasp the ability of collaboration in order to get accustomed to this period.

Last but not least, in present society, people are more likely to be confronted with difficulties and threatens, which call for collaboration. Take the poor quality commodities for example, only if the people joint force（同上） to protect their right will they be capable of competing with the powerful manufacturers. The same thing also happens in protecting environment. A number of companies or corporations sacrifice the environment for money. Without the collaboration, their misbehaviors will not cease(environment例子感觉不是很贴切呢~). Thus, it is definitely much more vital today for people to grasp the ability of collaboration.

All in all, nowadays collaboration is supposed to be placed more emphasis on because of the reality of present society. In order to pursue a high quality life, we are supposed to learn more about how to coorperate（拼写错误）.