Anthony Summer的写作贴~~~互帮互助共同进步啊!~~~~~求狠狠的批~~~~~????????????????????????????

小滋滋

1021改
Life has its high point and low point, and we would ask friends favor when we feel upsetting or face controversial problems. Sometimes we live separately with our friends or colleagues, and we want to consult them about one controversial problem, so the best way is calling them. (逻辑不通顺，建议改成Since we live separately with our friends or colleagues, if we want to consult them about one controversial problem,the best way is to them.)However, If we need consulting different people at one time, we probably just send an email or text to them and waiting for their suggestion.


Firstly, the best economical and time efficiently way to solve some controversial problem which happened at the workplace is making(to make) a telephone call. E-mail is not as popular as the telephone to solve work problem in China. People are not possible check their email box all the time, so the telephone is the best way to reach the key person.For example, I am a future goods trader, to thetraders,"time is money", every second we are waiting for that means we already lose the best moment to buy or sell.(语法错误，前两个分句没有连词连接)Thus,(此处应该加个连词，感觉有点不连贯) I often call my colleagues who at headquarters and（to） ask them some controversial problems such as this company's stock lost ten percentage from the past three minutes, such as:(这个好像不是problem 是不是也应该改成以should/whether开头的句子？) should I buy more or hold my currently position. If my colleague is not familiar with this company, he will pass to the next one who knows the company. （Thus） other communication tool is better than the telephone to consult emergency and controversial problems.


Furth more, (如果分情况的话，这两段句首最好应该写成 on the one hand,on the other hand)if the problem is important but not emergency, I would send an email to my colleague. Sometimes I need to check the background and match the accounting information of the company I would invest, so I will take airplane go to another city or even different time zones to visit headquarter of the company. I will send a daily email report  with the attachment of（attached with）evidenceto my boss换个位置to support my report语义重复. SomeUsing（way是一种方式 应该对应一个动作 而不应该是一个东西吧？）pictures or excel form of the company always are the best way to solve controversial problems when my boss have an aopposite opinion of the investment. I alsodon't worry about time difference will disturb my colleagues' rest or work.


In one conclusion, if I want to solve an emergency and controversial problem, so I would（will 主将从现） call my colleagues firstly. If the problem is notemergencyandneedsome pictures and other evidence to prove, I will send an email to my colleagues
总结：
1例子很好地反映主题，文章构思结构好
2但是建议在段落中加入更多逻辑连接词，使文章逻辑结构更加清晰
3语法，句子的用法需要加强
昨天第一天加入小分队，不会看分组，我以为是后面的同学帮前面的改，就像综合写作似的，不知道是互批，望见谅，实在不好意思了，呜呜呜

AnthonySummer

10.22More and more people are spending money on their pets, even though there can be other good ways to spend money.


We live in an independent and free world. People have their freedom to choose whether spending their money on luxury habit such as fancy car and an overseas trip, or spending on a daily necessity like university education or ordinary car. I always think we have no right to judge other people if their behaviors have no negative influence on the society. Ironically, American government spends more and more money on military equipment that can create more job opportunity. I think some people spending their legality money on their pets are a good choice. Some pets like cats or dogs help lots of senior citizens solving their loneness, bring a lot of happy childhood to young children. Pets become more and more important in this society. Pets industry created an incredible job opportunity even millionaire.


A tendency is that more and more Chinese families start to spend money on pets. Lots of them are senior citizens, because their children are busy on work and did not have a lot of free time to visit them, so they feel lonely and helpless. A dog or cat is the best way to release their loneness. We can train dog help to lead blind people. Dog has a sensitive smell, so they can alarm a senior citizen if they forgot to turn down the gas stove, sometimes even can a dog can save master's life. More than ninety percentages of Chinese new families have an only child because the one child policy of the Communist party, so most of our next generation do not have sisters or brothers. A pet can help young kids take their responsibility of taking care of others, and they will learn a lot of precious characteristic such as sympathy, duty, and forgive. I knew from the Scientific American that a child who has parts have higher emotionally intelligent than other children who don't have pets.


Although there have more place requires us spend precious money. In a poverty area of China, some families even don't have enough rice to feed their young children. Annual income of their parents is below two hundred dollars. They don't have electricity and running water. Their children need across ten miles mountain alley every day to reach the school. But after all as a tax payer, I can donate money to poverty areas and help the most I can. Simultaneously, other duties such as building a school or providing education to children, providing running water and other fundamental equipment is government's duty.


In one conclusion, we live in a free world, and we have right to dominate our money, spending money on pets is good for economic and meet citizen's needs. We can try our best to help the poverty areas. But as a tax payer, the government is the main role to help majority citizens.

AnthonySummer

Tpo 8
The lecture uses some specific evidence to prove that reading passage has a flaw, and point that Chevalier's memoir was basically the truth.
First, the reading point that Chevalier is not as rich as he claimed, because recent evidence showed he borrowed considerable sums of money from a merchant. While the professor claim that Chevalier was rich indeed, because he has a lot of value property, so he need wait server days to convert those assets into money.
Second, the professor challenge the reading passage is skeptical about the accuracy of the conversations that the Chevalier's memoir between himself and the famous writer Voltaire, and points out that the memoir cannot capture the conversations accurately because it was written many years later. The professor explains that Chevalier would write down every particular conversation after the conversation, and he consulted several journals to review the conversation before writing the memoir.
Third, the professor objects to the claim in the passage that Chevalier's politically well-connected friends in Venice who offered a bribe so that Chevalier was released. The professor is citing the strong evidence that an official document report they need repair cell room when the day Chevalier was released. Furthermore, she points that other prisoners who had more powerful friends than Chevalier, and none of their bribes are successful.

mcs6436288

The lecture uses some specific evidences to prove that readingpassage has a flaw, and point that Chevalier's memoir was basically the truth.
 First, the readingpoints that Chevalieris not as rich as he claimed, because recent evidence showed he borrowedconsiderable sums of money from a merchant. While the professor claim thatChevalier was rich indeed, because he has(had) a lot of value property, so he need waitserver days to convert those assets into money.
 Second, the professor challenges the reading passage is skeptical about(没搞懂) the accuracyof the conversations thatthe Chevalier's memoir between himself and the famous writer Voltaire(动词), and pointsout that the memoir cannot capture the conversations accurately because it waswritten many years later. The professor explains that Chevalier would write down（这个时态不好，表推断？事实，直接用完成时或者过去时吧） every particular conversation after the conversation, andhe consulted several journals to review the conversation before writing thememoir.
 Third, the professor objects to theclaim in the passage that Chevalier'spolitically well-connected friends in Venice who offered a bribe so thatChevalier was released. The professor is citing the strong evidence thatan official document reported they needed(我觉得还是用过去式吧，和后面的was released对应一些) repair cell room when the day Chevalier was released. Furthermore,she points that other prisoners who had more powerful friends than Chevalier（成分残缺）, and(转折的逻辑关系吧) none oftheir bribes are successful.

没什么大问题，有些小错误可能是打字快的原因吧。从G的经验来看，从句还是加that好。最后再总结几句吧，用不了什么时间。有些地方说的不对的，望见谅。

dreamcece

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误


10.22More and more people are spending money on their pets, even though there can be other good ways to spend money.


We live in an independent and free world. People have their freedom to choose whether spending their money on luxury habit such as fancy car and an overseas trip, or spending on a daily necessity like university education or ordinary car，or连接的形式要对称. I always think （建议换一个表达，always do略含贬义） we have no right to judge other people if their behaviors have no negative influence on the society. Ironically, American government spends more and more money on military equipment that can create more job opportunity. 这个定语从句有问题，that 在这里不能做连接词，因为有介词On；而且从句结构不完全，所以更不能用that做连接词。I think some people spending their legality money on 嘛意思？？ their pets are a good choice. Some pets like cats or dogs help lots of senior citizens solving [help sb. (to)do sth. / relieve/ eliminate loneness, 没有solve loneness这个表达] their loneness, bring a lot of happy childhood to young children. Pets become more and more important in this society. Pets industry created an incredible job opportunity even millionaire. 提一个问题，第一段是开头段，我觉得你的分析其实证明你有想过这个问题，但是你的thesis statement在哪里？？？我完全不能从你的第一段中预测到你下面要讲的问题，这样的议论文是很要不得的。


A tendency is that more and more Chinese families start to spend money on pets. 这个subpoint就提的很好 Lots of them are senior citizens, because their children are busy on work and did not have a lot of free time to visit them, so they feel lonely and helpless. A dog or cat is the best way to release their loneness. We can train dog help to lead blind people. Dog has a sensitive smell, so they can alarm a senior citizen if they forgot to turn down the gas stove, sometimes even can a dog can save master's life. More than ninety percentages of Chinese new families have an only child because the one child policy of the Communist party, so most of our next generation do not have sisters or brothers. A pet can help young kids take their responsibility of taking care of others, and they will learn a lot of precious characteristic such as sympathy, duty, and forgive. I knew from the Scientific American that a child who has parts pets have higher emotionally intelligent than other children who don't have pets. 【这一段大多在讲养宠物的好处，这确实是chinese families spend money on pets的原因，所以建议是写完每一个原因，强调你的分论点】


Although there have more place requires us spend precious money. 【precious money是啥。。。。你想说有更多花钱的地方就直接这样说，不要把老美看不懂的表达抓上来。。。】 In a the poverty area of China, some families even don't have enough rice to feed their young children. Annual income of their parents is below two hundred dollars. They don't have electricity and running water. Their children need across ten miles mountain alley every day to reach the school. But after all as a tax payer, I can donate money to poverty areas and help the most I can. Simultaneously, other duties such as building a school or providing education to children, providing running water and other fundamental equipment is government's duty. 每个点的连接应该有连词表示承接、转折、递进


In one conclusion, we live in a free world, and we have right to dominate our money, spending money on pets is good for economic and meet citizen's needs.
We can try our best to help the poverty areas. But as a tax payer, the government is the main role to help majority citizens.
最后，希望Anthony能加油客服语法大关，看语法书也好，问老师也好，一定要把基本语法比如定语从句、宾语从句掌握住。因为从我改你作文的这近一个月以来，语法真的是限制你写作的一个大问题。
还有，一些不确定的词的用法希望见到一次就记住一次，积累一次，这样才能有提高。所以写作文不仅仅是你每天坚持写就够了的，而是要反复检查、思考、累积。如果你花一天把你写过的每一篇作文里面所犯的错误都揪出来，记住的话，我觉得远远要比你这样天天写、写10天来得有效。

AnthonySummer

10.23

There is no reason to be impolite (rude) to the other people.

辛苦CECE耐心的修改了！经过你们的提醒，我现在非常注意语法和逻辑两大主要问题，做到三思而落笔，写之前想清楚主位逻辑关系，一个句子做到一个主语，不乱用长句反正也写错导致大家都不明白，时态等其他问题已经在深入研究中了，经过你们一点拨也的的确确豁然开朗。不过有些句子实在在短时间里面无法提高，对不住你批改了！O(∩_∩)O谢谢

We can give other people a smile if we appreciate their contributions or work. Simultaneously, we will treat them a little rude or impolite to show our dislike of their behaviors or work. Human being is the only animal who can smile or express their emotion on the face. That is the result of evolution. Emotional expression is also an advantage and key factor to human dominate this world. So there have a thousand reasons to be impolite to the other people.



First, we treat other person impolite that is a very necessary factor to express our dissatisfied of their work. At China, I accept few education of emotional intelligence, as instead, we are mainly talking about intelligence quotient. Most of our parents ask their children have an excellent score of their study, but few ask their children to social and join community activity. When those children become adult, then entered workplace, and they would hardly cannot deal impolite and unsatisfied customer. Indeed, more and more unsafely food such as polluted milk or meat. Customers had tried all the way to express their concern of daily need. Except violence and law weapon, impolite words and behavior are the most efficient way to catch public attention, and to defend people's right. Since only few officials would speak to the public in China and citizens have no right to vote their president.



Furth more, this is against our nature if we cannot express to be impolite to the other. We will feel depress when we failed to achieve a goal. We will feel happy if we help someone. Expressing our feeling is a good way to tell other people how you were thinking. So other people would know you better. In ancient world, our ancestors must need to use weapon or death to defend their territory or food resources. In modern society, impolite action could be the most economical way to solve a problem if talking does not work. We must treat others impolite at least once a year whether you noticed or not.



Although some people such as Gandhi, the father of Indian independence, who believes peace is the only way to solve the territory and discrimination problem. At least, his enemy is the British government, a country worship God and law. Both Gandhi and British governments they obey the law and faith. I believe that the same independence miracle would never happen at the twenty centuries of China. We Chinese have much more different religions such Buddhist (which come from India), Muslin, Dao, Christian, Confucius, Soviet Marxist. Each gang fought for own benefits, and impolite behavior is the best economical but the least efficient to help a country independent.



In conclusion, it is our nature to express impolite behavior when we feel unsatisfied others, and we would never change our nature.

AnthonySummer

Tpo 9

The lecture points out several flaw of the reading passage. Use detail examples proved that hydrogen is not the best replacement from flowing three parts: economic standard, environmental protection and resource availability.


First, the reading points that we would run out of oil someday, because petroleum is a finite resource. As instead, hydrogen can be derived from various plentiful sources, including natural gas and water. The lecture objects to the conclusion because hydrogen is difficult to obtain, and we store liquid hydrogen at an extremely low temperature, minus two thousand degrees.


Second, the lecture disagrees about the reading passage's opinion which hydrogen-based fuel cells can solve many of the world's pollution problems such as carbon dioxide. The professor claims that the pure process of hydrogen will create a lot of pollution, and the factory needs vast of energy to produce pure hydrogen.


Third, the lecture objects to that fuel-cell engine will soon be economically competitive because people will spend less money to operate a fuel-cell engine than operate an internal-combustion engine, because fuel-cell engine needs expensive and rare material platinum to start a chemical process. So far platinum is not replaceable.

小滋滋

1023改
The lecture points out several flaws of the reading passage. Use detail examples（语法错误detail examples used in the reading passage）proved that hydrogen is not the best replacement from flowing(following) three parts: economic standard, environmental protection and resource availability.


First, the reading points that we would run out of oil someday, because petroleum is a finite resource. As instead, hydrogen can be derived from various plentiful sources, including natural gas and water. The lecture objects to the conclusion because（by saying that 更好点吧？两处because重复）hydrogen is difficult to obtain, and we store liquid hydrogen at an extremely low temperature, minus two thousand degrees.


Second, the lecture disagrees about the reading passage's opinion which hydrogen-based fuel cells can solve many of the world's pollution problems such as carbon dioxide. The professor claims that the pure process of hydrogen will create a lot of pollution, and the factory needs vast of energy to produce pure hydrogen(提纯过程需要很多energy从而产生污染此处最好用个定语从句合成一句话).


Third, the lecture objects to(用词重复) that fuel-cell engine will soon be economically competitive because people will spend less money tooperate onoperating a fuel-cell engine than operate on an internal-combustion engine, because(一句话用了两个because 而且逻辑不通，好别扭) fuel-cell engine needs expensive and rare material platinum to start a chemical process. So far，platinum is not replaceable.



总结：用词重复，一段中最好别用相同连词，主题三段逻辑有点不通顺，建议再改改，一点愚见，有说的不对的望见谅。

dreamcece

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

We can give other people a smile if we appreciate their contributions or work. Simultaneously, 这里用simultaneously不恰当。后面的WILL与前面的动作行为不平行we will treat them a little rude or 首段最重要的是简洁直接，绝对的表达是允许出现在这里的，因为你是树立观点而不是反驳观点。 impolite to show our dislike of their behaviors or work. Human beings are is the only animal who can smile or express their emotion on the face. That is the result of evolution. Emotional expression is also an advantage and key factor to human dominate this world. So there have are a thousand reasons to be impolite to the other people. thesis statement 很明确。



First, we treat other person impolite that is a very necessary factor to express our dissatisfied of their work. At In China, I accept few education of in emotional intelligence, as instead, we are mainly talking about intelligence quotient. 主语转变了。 Most of our parents ask their children to have an excellent scores of in their study, but few ask their children to be social and to join community activity. 大多数我们的家长要求他们的孩子，这这这，怎么读都觉得别扭呀。建议把our 换成the. When those children become adults 单复数平行, then entered workplace, and they would hardly cannot 【hardly已经是“几乎不”的意思了，你要双重否定表肯定吗？？再加上两个词的顺序不对，应该是can hardly do something】 deal with the impolite and unsatisfied customers. Indeed, 你这个indeed要从何谈起呀。。。想表达让步？ more and more unsafely food such as the polluted milk or meat. Customers had tried all the way to express their concern of about daily need. Except violence and law weapon, impolite words and behavior are the most efficient way to catch public attention, and to defend people's你想说人权吗？Civil rights right. Since, since如果你要用since表示“因为”，那么since作为连词连接分句说明原因不应该单独成句。 only few officials would speak to the for public in China and citizens have no right to vote their president. 你的分析很发散，所以导致你所举的例子没有什么说服力呀。



Furth more, this is against our nature if we cannot express to be impolite to the other. We will feel depress when we failed to achieve a goal. We will feel happy if we help someone.这句和你的中心论点有关系吗？？？ Expressing our feeling is a good way to tell other people how you were thinking 时态在句中要统一. So other people would know you better. In ancient world, our ancestors must need to use weapon or death to defend their territory or food resources. In modern society, impolite action could be the most economical way to solve a problem if talking does not work. 这个论证和你的分论点不符 We must treat others impolite at least once a year whether you noticed or not.



Although some people such as Gandhi, the father of Indian independence, who believes peace is the only way to solve the territory and discrimination problem. 这个让步的例子很不错，但是问题：整句话结构不完整，although是连词连接分句，后面的成分只能作为分句表示尽管blabla, 主句没有出现呀。 At least, his enemy is the British government, a country worship God and law. Both Gandhi and British governments they obey the law and faith. I believe that the same independence miracle would never happen at the twenty centuries of China. We Chinese have much more different religions such Buddhist (which come from India), Muslin, Dao, Christian, Confucius, Soviet Marxist.首先，举例肯定是没有错的；但是问题有：1. 马克思主义不是religion; 2. 你所列举的有不同宗教的人，如ISLAM的信徒是MUSLIN; BUDDHISM的信徒是Buddhist； 按照前后文理解，你所列举的应该是宗教教派，如Dao， Christian. 在列举中要注意平行关系，就是要不然全部说教派，要不然全部说信徒。 Each gang fought for own benefits,？？？什么意思？ and impolite behavior is the best economical but the least efficient to help a country independent.



In conclusion, it is our nature to express impolite behavior when we feel unsatisfied others, and we would never change our nature.

shatong424

10 24 独立http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-764964-2-1.html