Anthony Summer的写作贴~~~互帮互助共同进步啊!~~~~~求狠狠的批~~~~~????????????????????????????

birdie089123

10.19 toefl 五段式Do you agree or disagree? It is better to work with your own computer and telephone at your home than work in your company's office.
Working at home with own computer and telephone can save us a lot of time on driving a car or waiting for the traffic jam, but working at home prevents us to(from communicating) communicate with our colleagues face to face and hand the working material personally. Sometimes telephone communication will bring us a lot of trouble of misunderstanding. (最好再加一句明确表明观点的话来结尾)


I am working for an investment company and my job function requires high speed internet access, but the company at(in) my community provides low speed network access,. Furthermore, the network connection would crash several times per week, which extreme influence(hinder) my normal work. Every time when it happens, my heart almost jumps out of my mouth because if I cannot sell the futures in my account and market going down, I would lose hundreds of thousands of money in less than one minute. I would better work at a company which provides me high speed and stable network connection.
(不切题,最好例子能与第一段的TS照应,而且,这一段的是说想去一个好网络的company 没有直接反映与在家work的区别,不如说家里网络差公司网络稳定.)

I would use a lot of private company's papers which was highly sensitive. So I cannot bring the papers back to my home and it is impossible to(for) me (to) bring all of them back home. I would rather check information at the company library(archive?公司图书馆?). Sometimes my colleagues and I would visit the company which we plan to invest. (,so) So it is impossible work home alone.


However(让步用admittedly好点), some industry such as: computer game industry or art industry(句子不完整). They might be possible work at home with computer and telephone, and they can use(use 用的不好,建议直接用 have conference call instead of a traditional .real meeting 怪怪的.) long distance video conference instead of a real meeting. But we should admit that a video conference would never be better than face to face communication, because we were not able to observe every detail or the atmosphere(是想表达situation?).


In one conclusion, considered our technology and support facilities were not advanced enough to compete with working at the company. I preferred to work at the office.
总结:我认为这个题目主要的关键词是 work at homevswork in companyInternet or telephone 可以作为理由但是不应该是主题.因此写观点应该着重体现家里与公司的差别而不是这两种交流工具的优缺点之类的.
对于本文格式,我认为既然TOEFL 阅读都给我们呈现一个很好的TS + Detail (+conclusion)的结构,我认为这个结构在作文中还是应该首选, 每一段写清楚topic sentence ,之后写例子也不容易偏题.
因为我自己对于句子的表达也不好,所以句式丰富之类的我不能帮你,我只能指出一些你用词不恰当的地方.我主要看的问题还是指出审题和如何用例子很好的支持论点. 可能我也有理解偏差的地方,大家多交流,加油

dreamcece

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The reading passage purposed proposed three suggestions of the primary原文中没有表达类似的意思，综合写作中不要加上自己的意见 function of Chaco Canyon houses, but the lectures（只有一个Lecture吧，那个复数从何而来？） against（against做介词做形容词，就是不做动词，你这句话没有谓语哦。） those opinions and purpose more specific expiations explanations expiations是赎罪的意思哦.


The lecture argues that if the Chaco structures were purely residential and housing hundreds of people. 这个结构表达得很奇怪，什么是argues that if... and ... Simultaneously, residents would require hundreds of daily cooking place. But，but only ten cooking place was founded 有效信息. So the Chaco structures could not be the residential building.


Latterly, the reading passage argues that the Chaco structures were used to store food supplies such as grain maize有效信息. As Instead 明白你想要表达转折的意思，但是as instead不是正确的表达, the lectures Lecturer points out that if the place had been used for storing maize, there would have many traces and remain of maize. There have no evidences were found at the Chaco.


Finally, regarding the theory "ceremony centers theory", and use similar house called Pueblo Alto as a comparison, because the research found a surprisingly large number of broken pots as evidence to support that people gathered at Pueblo Alto for ceremonies. 整句话没有主语，谓语不明确，让人读不懂啊读不懂。 建议分成几个单句。But the passage failed to point that they found large amounts of construction trash, so the broken pots maybe used to be worker's pots.
总结：1. 听力内容上面基本无问题，注意了用听力中的细节作为有效信息
2. 楼主可能写作的时候没有太注意句子的结构，或者基础问题： 英语的句子结构要完整的话首先要有主谓宾，其他的特殊句式介于基础原因不建议楼主现在尝试， 之前两段还好好的除了拼写和小的时态错误，其他没有大问题。第三段就犯了一个大忌讳，没有主语，谓语不明，因果逻辑不清晰，所以建议还是从基础做起。
3. 综合写作指示简单的表达和转述，其他的深奥表达复杂运用在这里并不适用，因为这里考察的重点在于你能不能通过听力和阅读进行文字转述，仅此而已。

AnthonySummer

10.20Some people claim that if we have an opportunity to take a secure job, we should take it right away, while others think we should wait for a satisfying job, which do you prefer?
Some people want to have a life without too much risk. They will prefer a secure job. As instance, I will wait for a satisfying job because a good job cost your time and energy to search. Some job interview of famous company will require a whole day, so it is impossible to focus your energy on the currently job.


I think some jobs such as future trader, hedge fund manager or even auditor are a high risk job, because we need to focus all of our hearts on the work if we want to job well done. Our good performance in the work is the key determination of job security. A secure job means low risk and we would wait a longtime to get a job promotion. If we currently have a secure job, simultaneous, preparing another job interview and take the night train to another city for the interview. Those actions will greatly decrease the performance of currently work quality. The secure job will become not secure at all.


Take my example, I used to be a daily future goods trader. The traders require extreme focus on the market, just like tiger hunt a deer. We usually need to wait few days even few weeks just for a perfect moment to buy futures at reasonable price and sell it at a highest price. There have been no big difference where or which company I work. If my job is well-done, then my boss would differently give me a promotion without asking, because I become the value asset to my company. Most satisfying job depends on your past job performance.


Although some people would take a chance and try their luck to find a better pay job or a better working environment, but without personally to work at a new place, we would never know whether the next job is better than currently job. So I still prefer to wait for a satisfying job then tries my best to finish the work.


In one conclusion, our working performance decided the job is secure or not. Even we find a satisfying job but day after day working. We would feel tired and feel the satisfying job no longer satisfying.

AnthonySummer

Tpo 6

The professor holds different opinion of the reading passage, use some specific example illustrates the online encyclopedias are better and have more advantage and more valuable than traditional, printed encyclopedias.


Firstly, the professor points some reference of printed encyclopedias contains errors, too. Even the writers are trained experts. Once the encyclopedias were printed, and those errors would remain. Online-encyclopedias can be correct at any time.


Secondly, she objects to that those online encyclopedias give unscrupulous users and hackers the opportunity to fabricate or delete. Some online encyclopedias took lots of protection such as some papers were only allowed to read, or the company owned online encyclopedias would hire special editor to edit, to limit the potential harmful reasons.


Thirdly, the professor argues that the communal encyclopedias focus dig deep on trivial and topics, which will accumulate response the users' interesting. As instead, the traditional encyclopedias provided limited space on paper and cannot accumulate reflect most public's opinion, because its editor is specializers and they cannot understand the public feeling.

夏之鱼语

Some people claim that if we have an opportunity to take a secure job, we should take it right away, while others think we should wait for a satisfying job, which do you prefer?


Some people want to have a life without too much risk. They will prefer a secure job. As instance, I will wait for a satisfying job because a good job cost your【my】time and energy to search. Some job interview of famous company【companies】 will require a whole day, so it is impossible to focus your【my】energy on the currently job.


I think some jobs【，】such as future trader, hedge fund manager or even auditor 【，】are a【去掉】 high risk job【s】, because we need to focus all of our hearts【attention】 on the work if we want to 【do it well】job well done. Our good performance in the work is the key determination of job security【Our good performance guarantee job opportunities for us】. A secure job means low risk and we would wait a longtime to get a job【去掉，累赘】 promotion. If we currently have a secure job, simultaneous, preparing another job interview and take the night train to another city for the interview. Those actions will greatly decrease the performance of currently work quality. 【This will greatly decrease the quality of our currently work.】The secure job will become not secure at all.


Take my【myself for】 example, I used to be a daily future goods trader. The traders require【required被要求】 extreme focus on the market, just like tiger hunt a deer. We usually need to wait【for a】 few days even 【a】few weeks just for a perfect moment to buy futures at reasonable price and sell it at a highest price. There have been no big【obvious】 difference 【about】where or which company I work. If my job is well-done, then my boss would differently【嘛意思？】give me a promotion without asking, because I become the value asset to my company. Most satisfying job depends on your past job performance.


Although some people would take a chance and try their luck to find a better pay【better-pay】 job or a better working environment, but without personally to work at a new place, we would never know whether the next job is better than currently job. So I still prefer to wait for a satisfying job then tries【than try】 my best to finish the work. 【prefer to do sth. rather than do sth】


In one conclusion, our working performance decided【decides whether】the job is secure or not. Even we find a satisfying job but day after day working. We would feel tired and feel the satisfying job no longer satisfying. 【Even we find a satisfying job， day after day working would made us feel tired， and then ，the satisfying job no longer satisfying.】

阿伦艾弗森

The professor holds different opinion of the reading passage, and uses some specific examplesto illustrates the online encyclopedias are better and have more advantage and more valuable than traditional, printed encyclopedias.(一个句子只能有一个谓语，当想要出现多个谓语时、用连词)


Firstly, the professor points some reference of printed encyclopedias contains（注意主谓一致） errors, too. Even the writers are trained experts. Once the encyclopedias were printed, and those errors would remain. （最好有个表转折的连接词）Online-encyclopedias can be correct at any time.（细节太少了）


Secondly, she （本段没有出现可以指代的人，最好用professor）objects to that those online encyclopedias give unscrupulous users and hackers the opportunity to fabricate or delete.（这句是reading的观点）Some online encyclopedias took (最好全文使用一个时态)lots of protections such as some papers were only allowed to read, or the company owned online encyclopedias would hire special editor to edit, to limit the potential harmful reasons.
（这两个点最好重听一下，在用清楚的逻辑叙述出来）

Thirdly, the professor argues that the communal encyclopedias focus dig deep on trivial and topics, which will accumulate response the users' interesting. As instead, the traditional encyclopedias provided limited space on paper and cannot accumulate reflect most public's opinion, because its editor is specializers and they cannot understand the public feeling. （时态一致）

1.语法问题很严重，注意主谓一致、时态一致、连词问题
2、注意你的逻辑。用连词把想表达的逻辑关系清楚的表示出来
3、听力不是很准确。细节少。
4、建议你以后用word写作文，会自动修改一些语法小毛病。


一定拙见，望共同进步~！

AnthonySummer

10.21 If you need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, you will use email or text messaging, OR use the telephone or voice-messaging.
Life has its high point and low point, and we would ask friends favor when we feel upsetting or face controversial problems. Sometimes we live separately with our friends or colleagues, and we want to consult them about one controversial problem, so the best way is calling them. If we need consulting different people at one time, we probably just send an email or text to them and waiting for their suggestion.


Firstly, the best economical and time efficiently way to solve some controversial problem which happened at the workplace is making a telephone call. E-mail is not as popular as the telephone to solve work problem in China. People are not possible check their email box all the time, so the telephone is the best way to reach the key person. I am a future goods trader, to the traders, "time is money", every second we are waiting for that means we already lose the best moment to buy or sell. I will call my colleagues who at headquarters and ask them some controversial problems such as this company's stock lost ten percentage from the past three minutes, such as: should I buy more or hold my currently position. If my colleague is not familiar with this company, he will pass to the next one who knows the company. No other communication tool is better than the telephone to consult emergency and controversial problems.


Furth more, if the problem is important but not emergency, I would send an email to my colleague. Sometimes I need to check the background and match the accounting information of the company I would invest, so I will take airplane go to another city or even different time zones to visit headquarter of the company. I will send a daily email report to my boss with the attachment of evidence to support my report. Some pictures or excel form of the company always are the best way to solve controversial problems when my boss have an aopposite opinion of the investment. I also don't worry about time difference will disturb my colleagues' rest or work.


In one conclusion, if I want to solve an emergency and controversial problem, so I would call my colleagues first. If the problem is not emergency and need some pictures and other evidence to prove, I will send an email to my colleagues.

AnthonySummer

Tpo 7 2012-10-22 17:47:49

The reading passage and the lecturer hold opposite opinion of encouraging ecologically sustainable practices. The lecture holds much more positive attitude of suggesting wood companies to apply the certification.


Frist, the lecture object to that American consumer pay less attention and don't trust to the ecocertification label. In fact, the American consumer will treat differently if the advertisement comes from an independent international organization with trust worthy reputation, and the customers feel more confident about the independent organization.


Second, the reading point out those consumers will much more price sensitive about the ecocertification product. As instead, the lecturer argues that only if the price difference reaches five percentages, then the consumers will pay more attention to price. In fact, consumers tend to choose products which are preserving and protecting the environment.


Third, even as the reading mentions that Pursuing certification would only make sense for the American wood companies sell its wooden products insider the country, but the reading failed to illustrate that not only foreign consumers were care about the ecocertified woody products, but also lots of foreign company start to sell their ecocertified products at the states. Those foreign companies will take over local companies' market if the local company defends themselves market slowly and not offer the aecocertified label products.

小滋滋

1021改
The reading passage and the lecturer hold opposite opinion of encouraging ecologically sustainable practices.（ about ecologically sustainable practices既然不同，就不用表明正反态度，反正你下面也会给出的） The lecture holds much more positive attitude of suggesting wood companies to apply the certification.


Fristly, the lecture objects to that American consumer pay less attention and don't trust to the ecocertification label. In fact, the American consumer will treat （？没有宾语）differently if the advertisement comes from an independent international organization with trust worthy reputation, and the customers feel more confident about the independent organization. (从if开始改成下面这句会不会好一点呢？The consumer will feel more confident about the product with ecocertification from a trust independent international organization)


Secondly, the reading points out those(无所指) consumers will much more price sensitive about the ecocertification product.(will be much more sensitive to price of the ecocertification product ) As instead, the lecturer argues that only if the price difference reaches five percentages, （then可以去掉） the consumers will pay more attention to price. In fact, consumers tend to choose products which are preserving and protecting the environment. （此处可以使用情态动词不需要用进行时态吧？preserve and protect the environment）


Thirdly, even as（全去掉） the reading mentions that Pursuing certification would only make sense for the American wood companies (which) sell its(their) wooden products insider the country, but the reading failed to illustrate that not only foreign consumers were care about the ecocertified woody products, but also lots of foreign company start to sell their ecocertified products at the states. Those foreign companies will take over local companies' market if the local company defends themselves market slowly and not offer the aecocertified label products.(听力中很主要的一点是美国的公司需要抓住美国顾客的intrest,我觉着这一点有必要写进去，而没有提到foreign consumers)
总结：
1.    听力第三点希望重新听一下，没有抓住重点
2.    有语法错误，例如，even but不能在一句话连用，主谓一致，单复数要注意，还有一些单词拼写的小错误
3.    建议背一个综合写作的模版，这样在整体结构上能规范一些
今天刚加入小分队，一点愚见，希望共同进步
写在word里面，发现在黏贴没有颜色，只好传附件了，嘿嘿，不好意思啦

dreamcece

等1022独立