Anthony Summer的写作贴~~~互帮互助共同进步啊!~~~~~求狠狠的批~~~~~????????????????????????????

lizchang1990

Contributes on an enjoyable vacation, please select one of three selection. Good food, good location and with good friends to travel.

More and more people start to travel around with the developing of economy. (你这个with 伴随的放前面去较好~)Thus, come to a question, which one is the first choice among good food, good location or good friends. The city I live is Shanghai, like New York City, it has unaccountable sky buildings(高楼大厦用skyscraper地道), crowded people, high speed life style(这个名词搭配在这不好, 连起来就成了 it has high speed life style,主语为city,感觉变从句修饰people较好~ ), and last but not least: Exotic food come from all over the world. Without going to a different city, my friends and I can try different food every day and all year long. Thus, I will consider a good location at first when I want to travel to a new place. (你这个开头有点绕, 前面部分开比较好,后面导入观点不够简洁. Without那句跟后面没啥大的逻辑连接,导入有点怪)

I believe that the true meaning of vacation is experiencing(换to experience ) a new place, surprising by different local customer,(没看懂…) discovering a magnificent landscape, and trying something new that I would never find in my city, such as a beach, mountain, nature(nature就不要了吧~你前面说得不就是inclusive么?). I made my first overseas trip to the United States two years ago, my first stop was San Francisco, because we hardly have long break to make a long trip, so I visited Stanford University, I want to know what made America so powerful and free across the world. I was surprised by the weather, sunshine, and freedom. Students lied(跟你说说这个严重错误:过去式是lay,过去分词是lain) on the grass, enjoying the sunshine and their books. No guard asked me whether i was this university's students or not before I went in the campus(这句觉得无关紧要,删掉吧~). It even did not have a wall guarding the campus. Here have no air-pollution, I made a deep breath, and does not worry about that I would catch lung cancer, cause my city, to be more precise, most of China east coast city (你这句是残片很多,这个东海岸表达错了~ most eastern coastal cities in China)are in trouble of air pollution. Smelling showing on students face (你这句主语是哪个? smile本身就是个名词,建议用主动句). They look naive but actually very smart. They are enjoying their studying under sunshine. An old saying said: "A short traveling can benefit us more than ten books." I am thirsting(这个词用的比较高级,亮点!) for knowledge and want to experience more culture in my short lifelong(这是个形容词,去掉long). Thus, what can bring me so many funny and interesting experience(用experiences) is traveling to a new place.
(点评:洋洋洒洒洒写了这么多,词汇比较丰富,但你还是没能找到你为啥要选location的有力论据,那个斯坦福校园写的内容过于详细,貌似有点过细了,有些details 建议cut掉!)

(建议开头句点明段落中心)I love out-side sports such as surfing, swimming and beach volleyball. I can image that when I lie down on the beach, enjoying the nature's gift - sunshine, pretty girls (自然能赐予MM跟GG? 好吧~你说能赐予就赐予了~我觉得前面sunshine还OK,后面不对! )and handsome boys walk around, and I would never think about anything that related to my hard work and cold city, I would be totally free this moment when i travel to my favorite destination. Thus, I would choose some city such as Los angles, San Diego or Hawaii as my travel paradise. My hometown, Shanghai, has no beach but a polluted sea, a cold winter and a hot summer. I want to use the chance when I travel around to take a look that what kind of city I would choose as my finally retired home. San Diego has the best zoo in the world because of the good weather and furious(额,词汇是不错~貌似用错了. 用简的huge or enormous) financial support. Washington, DC has the most diversified peoples because it is the capital of the states, one time I eat dinner with twelve people who come from ten different countries, also it has the best museum system in the world, most important, the tickets are free. Thus, I will (would) enjoy discovering the air-space museum and the nature history museum that I would never have a chance to enjoy in Shanghai. New York City just like Shanghai, the metro system is old and complicit, the streets are crowded and the hotel rents are very expensive, thanks to my traveling, I would never choose New York City as my retired place or pursuing a master degree there in the nearby future. Thus, an enjoyable vacation can help me both discover the city and provide brand-new experience of choosing a dreaming vocation paradise.
点评:后面从new york 写得不错,能看出为啥不喜欢一个place, 为啥要注重选peaceful location, 前面篇幅还是细节展现过多~cut cut, 写写能支持你观点的就够了.

Although,(有必要加个逗号造成残句么?) many people like to travel with their friends, because it can help them know better about each other, and make the friendship much more solid(也不算你错~地道点说 enhance their friendships多简洁). As instance, I think: "A friend in need is a friend indeed." Friends will (would) (其实你用will貌似没有问题吧,为啥想换would? )help and support each other, but I do not like the friendship become too close. If we live together each time when we would travel around, then we would know everything about the friends, there would no privacy space among us, which would make me feel nervous when I meet my friends the next time. (你这后面的一大段话跟"A friend in need is a friend indeed.不搭调,不如去掉这famous saying吧)

In one word, although some people would consider good food or traveling with good friends together as their traveling philosophy(这个词用大了,就用as their top priorities). I would rather use my standard: discover a new place, change mine into a new mood(木有看懂), and enjoy the lonely when are still single. If I were going to have a girlfriend and therefore marry with my bird(呵呵,这儿bird我不知道是俚语还是啥~求赐教了.), I would have plenty of time travel with my best friend together, my wife, or other friends together. Nevertheless, so far, I consider my points of views are best suit for me.

哥,你写得太长了~~~我看完眼花缭乱!
建议简洁简洁再简洁你的语言会比较好~ 总体来说词汇是相当丰富,句式多变,但希望变的过程注意下下不要大词乱用错用了~ 其实你前2段观点不清晰,有个简单开头句概括比较好,后面不错~

amissrosa

11.12 獨立改  補上!!!!

lmylacoste

The professor disagrees about the reading passage's three opinions. He thinks that none of them is (或者are呢）(are is 都可以个人认为are好一点)convinced.

First of all, the professor points that the increase products of ethanol fuel would not add burden to global warming. He said（和points矛盾了，用一般现在式较好） that it is true that burning ethanol will create carbon dioxide, but the growing process of planet adsorbs carbon dioxide as part of its nutrition. Thus, ethanol offers environmental advantages over gasoline.

Later, the professor illustrates that the large product of ethanol would not dramatically reduce the substantial source of food for animals. He argues that ethanol would mainly use cellulose as a resource to produce, and animal do （或者does呢）（用animals do好了）not eat cellulose. Thus, ethanol will not influence animal's food resource.

Finally, the professor demonstrates that the tax subsidies from the United States Government would not need in the future. He points out that if the future production of ethanol increase(要加s)three times comparesàcompared to current production, the price(我没听错的话应该是cost) of ethanol would decrease forty percentages.


总结
Good summary ability，but we are in essay. Such excessive omittance will influence the holistic impression on your article.
Few minor errors

浅吟天

hello 等你的tpo21哈

AnthonySummer

Tpo 21
The professor objects to the reading passage's opinion that planting genetically modification trees on a large scale promises to bring a number of benefits.

First, the professor points out that genetic modification trees can only resist to one particular virus, or design for one particular climate. If the genetic modification trees were attacked by multiple insects, or climate change rapidly, the trees would all be wiped out because of the genetic uniform. However, nature trees would have some individuals still resist and not die out.

Later, the professor argues that the genetic modification trees have a hiding cost. She said that according to law, company would collect farmer's fee every time when farmer reproduces or grows the trees. Hence, the tree farmers would not get faster and greater returns on their farming investment.

Finally, the professor illustrated that the genetically modified trees cannot prevent overexploitation of wild trees. She said that the genetically modified trees would greatly damage the local wild trees. Because of genetically modified trees have a rapid demand on water and nutrition,  it grows faster than local trees. Hence, it would even take over local trees.

In one words, the genetically modified trees cannot bring more benefits than local trees.

AnthonySummer

2012-11-15 Agree or disagree your job has greater happiness than your social life.

I grow up in a metropolitan city: Shanghai, like New York City, people who come to here are thirst for wealth and fame. I used to be like everyone else, until last year I made my first quarter-millions dollars from futures trading job. I realized that after we have enough money that can guarantee the rest of life peaceful and enjoyable would be enough. Therefore, we would want to be more successful on the career rather purser money or social life. I am not a celebrity, social life can help he attract more advertisement and fame, but an ordinary person, and extra social life can only waste my limited wealth and bring extra anxiety.

My work brings me extreme satisfaction because I am a futures trader. As a trader, I would trade millions of dollars of rubber every day. My daily work is extremely excited. I can trade all the long and never feel tired. Sometimes I would lose several thousands of dollars in a few seconds because the futures market change so rapidly, but I can use historical rubber demand anticipated long term tendency. Therefore, I need to work very hard on the trending analysis. Until one day, I made my first quarter-millions dollars because I can right anticipated the long-term tendency. That moment I feel that I bask under sunshine, and taste the sweetness and freedom in the air. What can bring me extremely feeling must be my work.

My work is the foundation of my social life, because work can make me self-support, and I am not a celebrity, I cannot make money from (請問用on可以嗎）a full-time social life. I am working for a foreign Christian community in my spare time. I would teach children who from poverty-stricken family English and economic knowledge. Because of the success in （請問用of嗎）the work, I am very confident and qualified to teach those young children. I would regularly donate some books and toys to the community. The better performance in my job, the much more money I can made, and the more children I can help. I believe that more possession I have, (請問這裡要逗號分開嗎) more social duties I need take.

Although many people think that their social life can bring more happiness than their social life. I think the only reason is that they do not like their job. I am really interested in my work, so I feel that I am doing something I like and it can bring me satisfaction rather work. Ninety-nine percentages of people on the earth need find a job in their life. Job brings our money, colleagues, friends. A successful job can bring us greater happiness than our social life.

In one conclusion, some people may consider their social life is much more important than their job, because they cannot find happy in their daily work. In my standard, my work is the fountain of happiness. So far, I consider my points of view （請問用views複數嗎） are the best suit for me.

浅吟天

红色 改的  绿色 一些评价
The professor objects to the reading passage's opinion that planting genetically modification trees on a large scale promises(复数) to bring a number of benefits.

First, the professor points out that genetic modification trees can only resist to one particular virus, or（can resist… or design这两个不并列把） design for one particular climate. If the genetic modification trees were attacked by multiple insects, or climate change rapidly（这个rapidly是形容什么的？放这里感觉有点奇怪，heavily好点？）, the trees would all be wiped out because of the genetic uniform. However, nature trees would have some individuals（加个which 看的清楚点） still resist and not die out.

Later, the professor argues that the genetic modification trees have a hiding cost. She said that according to law, company would collect farmer's fee every time when farmer reproduces or grows the trees.（细节抓的好） Hence, the tree farmers would not get faster and greater returns on their farming investment.

Finally, the professor illustrated that the genetically modified trees cannot prevent overexploitation of wild trees. She said（上一段用过了，换个词把，啥argue这类的） that the genetically modified trees would greatly damage the local wild trees. Because of genetically modified trees have a rapid demand on water and nutrition, it grows faster than local trees. Hence, it would even take over(我不确定这个词是否得当，能否告知？) local trees.

In one words, the genetically modified trees cannot bring more benefits than local trees.（若要有结尾可否再长些，个人觉得它貌似不是和local tree比优势，而是它自己没文章中说的那么benefit。）





总的来说，语言挺好的，点都抓着了。就是句型还是有点单一

lmylacoste

I grow up in a metropolitan city: Shanghai, like New York City, people who come to here are thirst for wealth and fame. I used to be like everyone else, until last year I made my first quarter-millions dollars from futures trading job. I realized that after we have enough money that can guarantee the rest of life peaceful and enjoyable would be enough.(这句话好像多了一个连词。。。after，能告知是什么意思吗？) Therefore, we would want to be more successful on the career rather purser（出纳员？？？）money or social life. I am not a celebrity, social life can help heàwhom attract more advertisement and fame, but an ordinary person, and extra social life can only waste my limited wealth and bring extra anxiety.

My work brings me extreme satisfaction because I am a futures trader. As a trader, I would trade millions of dollars of rubber(什么意思呢？才疏学浅啊) every day. My daily work is extremely excited. I can trade all the longàtime and never feel tired. Sometimes I would lose several thousands of dollars in a few seconds because the futures market changeàchanges so rapidly, but I can use historical rubber demand anticipatedàto anticipate long term tendency. Therefore, I need to work very hard on the trending analysis. Until one day, I made my first quarter-millions dollars because I can right anticipated the long-term tendency. That moment I feel that I bask under sunshine(Gre的单词~), and taste the sweetness and freedom in the air. What can bring me extremely feeling must be my work. （如果把extreme换掉这句话会显得意思清楚一点，extreme是中性词，可以用bliss）

My work is the foundation of my social life, because work can make me self-support, and I am not a celebrity, I cannot make money from (請問用on可以嗎）（实际上make money后的这个介词是看后面的名词的，若是名词没有要求，用from，by+doing，on 实际上都是可以的）a full-time social life. I am working for a foreign Christian community in my spare time. I would teach children who from poverty-stricken family English and economic knowledge. Because of the success in （請問用of嗎）（个人认为用in）the work, I am very confident and qualified to teach those young children. I would regularly donate some books and toys to the community. The better performance in my job, the much more money I can made, and the more children I can help. I believe that more possession I have, (請問這裡要逗號分開嗎) （要的）more social duties I need take.

这段more的句型有点多啊，还有最好能突出happy，来照应题目，现在的联系还不够紧密哦

Although many people think that their social life can bring more happiness than their social life.（一个错误，although是连词，主句在哪里呢？一个建议gmat曾有比较对象不清，最好是than their social lifecan）I think the only reason is that they do not like their job. I am really interested in my work, so I feel that I am doing something I like and it can bring me satisfaction rather work（这里是什么意思啊？望告知）. Ninety-nine percentages of people on the earth need to find a job in their life. Job brings our money, colleagues, friends. A successful job can bring us greater happiness than our social life.

In one conclusionàin conclusion, some people may consider their social life isàlives are much more important than their job, because they cannot find happy in their daily work. In my standard, my work is the fountain of happiness. So far, I consider my points of view （請問用views複數嗎）(view是单数是总观点)are the best suit（这里是什么意思啊？望告知）for me.

conclusion：

Impressive of the length of the article

Some dazzling phrases scatter to embellish the passage

Few confusing word wait to be addressed

AnthonySummer

回你站內信了~ take over 是接管的意思，不知用在這會不會好~

lizchang1990

我11.16 作业连接   http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-781814-3-1.html#last

等你作业!!!