作文求助~

GWinner

8.9 独立批改
精彩错误修改提议综合
you can know a lot about a person through the types of friends this person has.

Like attracts like. Birds of a feather flock together,there always goes an old saying.[两个谚语用的很好 但句式应该是这样的: there is a saying goes that...] Some people may like to make friends with different personality[不能和人格做朋友吧...with people who have different personalities]to compriomise them.[这儿没懂] I, however, still think that the types of friends of a person reflects[这里也有点没懂,reflect后面应该有个宾语才对?]a lot, from charactristics to career.

On one hand, people with similar personality are more likely to become friends. It is not hard to find that those who are out-going often stay with persons like similing and comunication[people who are usually smiling and fond of communicate with others], while in the libirary,[这个放到后面去比较好, 否则断句太多有点乱] it is easy to discover[discover这个词用在这不太准确, find就可以了] friends who are[去掉] all prefer quiet place and reading[to read in the quiet place]. My brother Tom, a brave and risk-taking[adventurous] person, whose majority of friends are keen on extram sport, such as hiking, skiing and pop-jumping.[这句话整个语法有问题,  Tom一个主语孤没有谓语,建议改成这样: friends of my brother Tom, who is  a brave and adventurous person, are keen on extram......或者直接分成两句话说My borther Tom is a brave and adventurous person. most of his friends, thereby, are.......] Every weekend, they get together and choose places[太Chinglish] to challenge[to so some extreme sports是这个意思不?]. In this event, how can you say [+that]we cannot judge a person by his or her friends?[这句感觉怪怪的 This example provides sufficient evidence to support the feasibility to judge a person by his or her friends这样你看行不?]

On the other hand, generally, good friends are tend to be made in the same field of job[same field of job always gives birth to friendship].They have same interesting topics in the career and often have more chances to communicate with each other.That is why pop-stars have more pop-star friends than common people. According to [如果这里用according to 就把后面的reveals去掉, 否则没主语了]a research made by Stanford University, a university with glittery reputation in the world, reveals that 67% of  people choose to make friends in the same career. It is the friends one make that shows one's job.[这里用it is...that...感觉和表达的意思不太匹配, 用can应该好点]

Nevertheless, some people argue that friends reflect nothing but one person's interest and occassion also make a couple of friends.[这句是虾米意思?] But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. If one just make friends at ramdon and show no preferrence, how can he find the friends most suit him[who suit him most]? The answer is simple: personality and same conversation topics.[这两句话之间的逻辑有问题,接不上]

For all the reasons listed, it is time to knowing a person through his or her friends instead of distrusting this thoery.[The theory that a person can be judged through his or her friends can not be denied.]

整个文章的思路没有问题 五段式 论点 例子 框架很到位！

问题如下: 我觉得LZ你的语法还是存在一定问题的, 包括从句的用法, 主谓等等 这些最基本的问题需要LZ最先解决 否则这些问题点缀在文章里让人看着不太舒服 很煞风景
              可以看出LZ再试着用一些短语来高亮文章, 这点是值得鼓励的, 但是用的时候一定要有把握用对 否则还不如不用...找几个自己觉得比较好的短语和词汇好好学习一下 然后熟练的运用到文章里去 这个肯定会加分的!
              LZ我觉得你的行文逻辑可能存在一点点问题 也可能是写着写着自己忘了 这篇文章里面又存在逻辑上接不上的句子 这个很要命 会使得文章不太连贯...写过一篇文章以后自己先多看几遍 把文字和思路理顺~

总之加油哦!!!没事儿看看CD里面的NN们写的那些作文真的能收获很多 咱们共勉哈~~

超级无敌小鹤鹤

大家来找茬~~~

What is the major contribution of career success? Good relationship Having good relationship with other people who assist one in job or studying hard at school?(亲！这儿把名词形式的good relationship改成分词形式，可以和后面的studying形式上更加的对称哟~~~) From my perspective(perspective用的好，比opinion强~~~), diligent study during school time plays more crucial rule in future triumph in career.

On one hand, there is no doubt that the job one does in his field is highly related to what he has learned in university, which means that he applies the theories in his major to accomplish all the tasks in his position(这儿是我的观点哈~~可能有点小题大做啦~~ 你不用太在意，参考一下哈~~ 我觉得这儿which用的不好~~ which的指代，一般指代的是前面的名词，或者整个句子；但是你这儿which指代的是前面整个句子里面的宾语从句部分，我觉得这个用法可能不是很正确~~ 所以不妨把整个长句子分成两个短句子，eg：On one hand, there is no doubt that the job one does in his field is highly related to what he has learned in university. Actually, to accomplish all the tasks in his position, one should always applies the theories in his major ). Consider my brother Jack, an excellent lawyer in a leading law firm in Shanghai. Everyday(Every day 一般连在一起的everyday做adj用，时间状语的时候往往是分开的every day~~) he reviews the commercial contracts, including company contracts, trading ones and insurance ones(我不知道这儿你的两个~ing ones做什么用，但是有一个问题，这儿的ones指代不清，因为前面出现了两个复数名词，而且这儿用这个~ing ones导致句子结构有点混乱，你好好改一下哈~~~). Accordingly, what he has studied in university lays a solid foundation in his job. Without the knowledge, how can he has(have) such achievement nowadays?

On the other hand, the success of one's career reflects not only a strong ability in finishing the missions in study but also the desire for new knowledge. He or she(既然前面全是he，这儿也没必要为了男女平等来一个he or she啦~~~) will more willing to absorb new practical things in the process of doing job. A latest research found in the China Daily unveils that 85% of the successful entrepreneurs in China are also diligent in their school time, especially the period in university. The more one has learned, the more one will achieved. This is the principle which consented by all the(most) famous business men non-exclude Steve Jobs. It is studying hard that makes one more out-standing.

Nevertheless, hardly everyone can(can everyone) reach to such a consensus. Some people argue that without other people such as a boss or a leader, one has few chances to get what he wants, say higher position and more decent salary(这儿你自己改一下吧~~ 前面是few 后面是higher 和 more，前后不一致~~~ 而且我不清楚你这儿后面的high position是few chance to 后面的内容呢 还是和few chance并列~~ 我想你应该知道怎么改~~~). But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. Only those who put all their energy into studying can attract others' assistant which brings a promising future.

For all the reasons listed, it is time to applaud diligent person instead of waiting for others' help(sorry~~这儿我真没理解你的意思~~所以我不知道怎么给你改~~ 但是一个问题，instead of 这儿用法肯定是错的，你这儿的结构是 人 instead of 动作，显然人和动作是不能比较的，所以前后比较对象不一致). God only help those who help themselves.                                    

鹤鹤说：
哈哈~~不要太震惊，鹤鹤属于喜欢鸡蛋挑骨头的~~ 所以满屏的蓝色~~ 不过其实问题也不是很严重的~~ 文章结构OK的，没问题~~~ 其实也还是细节啦~~ 我记得很久之前改过你的作文~~ 感觉比以前好不少啦~ 然后你这一片出现好一个并列结构前后不一致的，要注意哟~~
嗯，总的不错啦~~ 加油！继续努力哈~~~ Fighting！

lxc1989614

8月11日
To improve the quality of education university should spend more money on salary for professor.

Whether to spend more money on salary for professors in order to elevate the quality of teaching? It emerges a tough decision among the universities in China even in other countries. From my perspective, university definitely should put more resource into professors' salary.

On one hand, with the increasing of the salary, professors are no longer worry about their daily life. The decent income enables them to meet the basic life demands. Accordingly, these professors will pay more attention on the education so that the students in the universities can enjoy sufficient knowledge conveyed by these professors. A latest studying founded in the Chinese Education, a magazine with glittery reputation, unveils that compare to the students in the poverty-stricken areas in China, the students in metropolitan cities such as Shanghai and Beijing are more out-standing. Under this circumstance, how can you say that professors' salary plays no role in education?

On the other hand, higher salary benefits not only the students but also the universities as well. The professors spare some of the salary to buy books and research facilities in their field so that their research level will be raised. My university, Peking University, in which all the professors are well paid shows the best case. Every month, my professor Jack, uses his salary to buy us foreign magazines with cutting-edge knowledge and purchases facilities to make class more colourful. All these can increase the research standard in a school.

Nevertheless, some people still argue that university should pay more on the hardware ,say, adding more books in the library or modifying condition in the classrooms to improve education. But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. The professors who interact with the students directly are always the major contribution in high education quality.

For all the reasons listed, we cannot deny that improving the salary of the professors shall be regarded as the priority in our schedule if we want to revitalize our nation in education.

浅吟天

黄色模版加好的，绿色批注红色我改的



8月11日
To improve the quality of education university should spend more money on salary for professor.

Whether to spend more money on salary for professors in order to elevate the quality of teaching? It emerges a tough decision among the universities in China even in other countries. From my perspective, university definitely should put more resource into professors' salary.

On one hand, with the increasing of the salary, professors are no longer worry about their daily life. The decent income enables them to meet the basic life demands.（叫兽有这么穷吗）Accordingly, these professors will pay more attention on the education so that the students in the universities can enjoy sufficient knowledge conveyed by these professors. A latest studying founded in the Chinese Education, a magazine with glittery reputation, unveils that compare (comparing)to the students in the poverty-stricken areas in China, the students in metropolitan cities such as Shanghai and Beijing are more out-standing. Under this circumstance, how can you say that professors' salary plays no role in education?(大都市学生优秀，就能说是老师教的好吗，同时大都市=老师工资高吗？老师工资高=spend more money on salary? Lz应该再阐述一下几者关系)

On the other hand, higher salary benefits not only the students but also the universities as well. The professors spare some of the salary to buy books and research facilities in their field so that their research level will be raised. My university, Peking University（哇，这是举例子还是真的，lz好牛啊。。。）, in which all the professors are well paid shows the best case. Every month, my professor Jack, uses his salary to buy us foreign magazines with cutting-edge knowledge and purchases（与to buy 并列的话purchase） facilities to make class more colourful. All these can increase the research standard in a school.

Nevertheless, some people still argue that university should pay more on the hardware ,say,（这句没看懂，say是跟哪句的？） adding more books in the library or modifying condition in the classrooms to improve education. But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. The professors who interact with the students directly are always the major contribution in high education quality.

For all the reasons listed, we cannot deny that improving the salary of the professors shall be regarded as the priority in our schedule if we want to revitalize（我标的黄色，是个好词，但觉得振兴中华教育有点夸张，之前也并没说中国现在教育就很有问题啊） our nation in education.



1，是这样子的，又读了几遍题目，“To improve the quality of education university should spend more money on salary for professor”为提高教育质量学校应不应该花钱给老师加工资。论点在于给老师加工资与教育质量的关系，到底有木有效。但lz倒数第二段写的把钱放在其他项目上与教育的关系。有点偏题

2，有些例子不是很恰当，比如教授在温饱线上挣扎，建议再斟酌一下哈~~

3，语法木有问题，错误很少

一起讨论！！

lxc1989614

8月14日
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place

With abundant of cutting-edge technologies emerge every minute and every second, some people assert with full confidence that we have finished all the improvement to raise people's living standard. I, on the contrary, think that we still have long way to go to accomplish all the significant breakthrough in human history, although we enjoy advanced technology.



On one hand, the environmental problems still pose a huge threat to human beings' life and should be settled immediately. Science and technology bring us great convenience in our daily life, meanwhile, they also have negative impact on the environment. Car emission polluted fresh air and chemical substances contaminated clean lacks. People nowadays are more likely to suffer from diseases such as lung cancer caused by environmental pollution. Under this circumstance, many countries in the world start to set up policies and laws to deal with these problems. But the result is so tiny that the environment is still worsening. Obviously, people still have a lot of work to do in tackling the environmental issues.



On the other hand, population explosion also should be putted on the to-do list. As the population increasing at an alarming rate, resources become exhausted and various conflicts are around corner. A latest study found in China Daily, a prevalent newspaper in China, unveils that 75% of the developing countries feel overwhelming when facing exceed population, especially in the poverty-stricken areas. It lowers the living standard of people and education quality, which are the obstacle for a country to step forward. It is the population issues that need our attention.



Nevertheless, hardly can every people reach to a consensus. Some people argue that in majority of countries world wide, people live in a prosperity life and have achieved a high quality of life, so we can say that the improvements have already taken place. But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. Only when all people in the earth can enjoy same level life can we say we have finished our task.



For all the reasons listed, it is time to applaud continuing progress in our life instead of contenting the current situation. What the endeavor we do will benefit not only ourselves but also the next generation.

夏之鱼语

With abundant of cutting-edge technologies emerge every minute and every second, some people assert with full confidence that we have finished all the improvement to raise people's living standard. I, on the contrary, think that we still have long way to go to accomplish all the significant breakthrough in human history, although we enjoy advanced technology.




On one hand, the environmental problems still pose a huge threat to human beings' life and should be settled immediately. Science and technology bring us great convenience in our daily life, meanwhile, they also have negative impact on the environment. Car emission polluted fresh air and chemical substances contaminated clean lacks. People nowadays are more likely to suffer from diseases such as lung cancer caused by environmental pollution. Under this circumstance, many countries in the world start to set up policies and laws to deal with these problems. But the result is so tiny that the environment is still worsening. Obviously, people still have a lot of work to do in tackling the environmental issues.



On the other hand, population explosion also should be putted on the to-do list. As the population increasing at an alarming rate, resources become exhausted and various conflicts are around corner. A latest study found in China Daily, a prevalent newspaper in China, unveils that 75% of the developing countries feel overwhelming when facing exceed population, especially in the poverty-stricken areas. It lowers the living standard of people and education quality, which are the obstacle for a country to step forward. It is the population issues that need our attention.



Nevertheless, hardly can every people reach to a consensus.【+in this statement ：reach 什么consensus，没有发挥主旨句点名主旨的作用】 Some people argue that in majority of countries world wide【worldwide】, people live in a prosperity life and have achieved a high quality of life, so we can say that the improvements have already taken place. But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. Only when all people in the earth can enjoy same level life can we say we have finished our task.



For all the reasons listed, it is time to applaud continuing progress in our life instead of contenting the current situation. What the endeavor we do will benefit not only ourselves but also the next generation.


写的很好，语句流畅，语法也没有什么问题，特别是用词很灵活。挑不出什么刺来~~

lxc1989614

8.17 TPO15
The lecture completely rejects the idea shown in the passage about the measures to control the spreading of the cane toad. In the professor's opinion, it is not easy to prevent its multiplying and none of the measures will be successful and they will cause damage to the environment.

The lecture contradicts the first point in the passage that building a national fence will have some effects, since the fence will prevent cane toad's spreading to the land. On the contrary, the professor argues that the river, which carries the young eggs of the toad will flow from one place to another. This means that the eggs will go through the fence and populate on the land. So, this measure is ineffective.

The speaker goes on to oppose the claim of the author that the toads can be eliminated by volunteers. While the professor points out that these untrained volunteers will pose a huge threat to the environment since they are unable to distinguish cane toads and frogs. As a result, some endangered frogs may also be destroyed by these volunteers.

Finally, the listening material challenges the last point in the reading material that it is may be useful to develop a disease-causing virus to diminish the population of the toads. The professor reminds us that this method will damage the original habitat of the toads. Virus will spread from Australia to America and transfer to other continents in America. Because these infected toads will also spread to America and affect other population. In fact, cane toad is native to America and part of the eco-system in America. Consequently, this measure will do harm to the environme

lxc1989614

8.15
Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility or mistakes?

What is the most crucial feature of an excellent leader? Intelligence, communicate efficiency and trust-worthy may be the prevalent answer for majority of people.  I, however, believe that the ability to take responsibility or mistakes should top the list.

On one hand, only the leader who always takes responsibility can control the whole situation. All the aspects should be taken into consideration when solving the problems and conflicts in the process of policy and business, such as the feeling of the members and the consequence of the decision-making. Without a strong sense of responsibility, one cannot tackle these problems with others' satisfactory. A latest study made by China Daily, one of the most wide-spread newspaper in China, unveils that in the most developed countries in the world, 80% of the political leaders are equipped with the strong responsibility, meanwhile, 70% of common residents said that taking responsibility is the major contribution of their prosperous life. It is the ability to take responsibility that make a better country.

On the other hand, taking mistakes is also an important feature we should not overlook. Taking mistakes helps a leader to find the weak point about himself and the group. Learning from it and absorbing the experience so that avoiding making same mistakes in the next time. I grant sincere gratitude to my boss, Mary, she never blames the inferior employees for her own mistakes and corrects the mistakes by herself. As a result, all the members in our department respect her very much and even work harder to cooperate with her job. All the harmonious atomosphere inspire us to be out-standing. Under this situation, how can you say taking mistakes erects no effect on a good leader?

For all the reasons listed, it is time to applaud taking responsibility or mistakes instead of encouraging the unpractical characteristic of leaders. This will benefit not only the leaders themselves but also the nation as a whole.

T不死

8.17
Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility or mistakes?

What is the most crucial feature of an excellent leader? Intelligence, communicate efficiency and trust-worthy may be the prevalent answer（answers） for majority of people（for majority of people 建议放开头读起来比较自然）.  I, however, believe that the ability to take responsibility or (for) mistakes should top the list.

On one hand, only the leader who always takes responsibility can control the whole situation. All the aspects should be taken into consideration when solving the problems and conflicts in the process of policy and business, such as the feeling of the members and the consequence of the decision-making. Without a strong sense of responsibility, one cannot tackle these problems with others' satisfactory（该句是唯一支持有责任才能控制局面，感觉有点弱，最好再丰富些，例如有责任心后，就会对问题进行充分思考，研究，然后激励领导者去解决问题，控制问题）. A latest study made by China Daily, one of the most wide-spread newspaper (newspapers) in China, unveils that in the most developed countries in the world, 80% of the political leaders are equipped with the strong responsibility, meanwhile, 70% of common residents said that taking responsibility is the major contribution of their prosperous life（感觉后面的residernts的prosperous life 和全文的论点没有关系，可以修改成本70%的人们认为responsibility 是判定合格领导者素质的重要因素）. It is the ability to take responsibility that make a better country.

On the other hand, taking mistakes is also an important feature we should not overlook（这段把话题重心放在了taking mistakes的论据，感觉有点偏离论点，论点应该是用于承担错误的责任很重要，focus 在责任上面，而不是在 make mistakes上面。例如如果一个领导者经常犯错误，但就是不承担责任，这样的领导者是不合格的。）. Taking mistakes helps a leader to find the weak point about himself and the group. Learning from it and absorbing the experience so that avoiding making same mistakes in the next time（这句感觉主谓宾不全，可以直接改为Learning from the previous lessons and absorbing the experience, the leader, who are completely responsible for the the mistakes, can avoid make the same fault repeatedly）. I grant sincere gratitude to my boss, Mary, (加连词because) she never blames the inferior employees for her own mistakes and corrects the mistakes by herself. As a result, all the members in our department respect her very much and even work harder to cooperate with her job. All the harmonious atmospheres inspire us to be out-standing. Under this situation, how can you say taking mistakes erects (takes) no effect on a good leader? (这段楼主可以把分论点再修改下，例子是不错的)

For all the reasons listed, it is time to applaud(有点口语化，还是我没有掌握该用法) taking responsibility or mistakes instead of encouraging the unpractical characteristic of leaders. This will benefit not only the leaders themselves but also the nation as a whole（感觉和benefit the nation 不是很搭边，只是一个调查数据）.

最后一段如果时间不够，建议直接套用模本，对第一段用其它句式进行复试。这个会保险点。

总体文章的结构还是比较清晰，例子也不错，调查的例子和老板的例子都很生动。 如果能把论点和论据结合得逻辑点，就很perfect的啦。加油

lxc1989614

8.18
Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before.

Will you resort to your family when you encounter some difficulties in your life? Will you regard the assistance from family members as the major contribution to your success? Some people may attribute their success to their own endeavor. I, however, think that compare to the past time, we are more likely to achieve triumph under family members' help.

On one hand, cutting-edge technology enables us to communicate with our family with ease when we face the difficulties. Telephone, E-mail and Skype are play crucial role in our daily life for communication. I want to grant sincere gratitude to the advanced technology when I applied for university far away from my parents. At that time, I really needed their opinion and felt stress in preparing the college entrance exam. They encouraged me every time we interacted through Facetime and gave me viewpoint about the decision. Under their constant assistance and encouragement，  I have enrolled by my dream school Peking University in China. Without the current technology, I cannot go through the down time in such a short time.

On the other hand, with the increasing education standard, people have enlarged their knowledge so that they are equipped with far-sight ability. Which means that people are mutual understand and give more useful ideas. A latest study made by China Daily, the most prevalent newspaper in China, unveils that 86% of people, especially the youth are more incline to talk with their family members nowadays. The help from their family members are indispensable in their life.

Nevertheless, hardly can every one reach to such a consensus. Some people argue that it is not easy for people in this cultural diversity world to accept others opinion. The conflicts and general gap are the best case for this issue. But I will not walk away from my viewpoint. The more people benefit from their family's assistance the more they will communicate with them.

For all the reasons listed, it is time to applaud more communication between family members instead of seeking other methods to gain success. With the development of the society, it is no loner a tough mission to find their support.