婷婷connie的作文帖~勇者创造机会，愚者等待机会

婷婷connie

虽然字数少了，不过内容还是差不多，没有以前罗嗦了
Since education accelerates the rate which technology develops, a skyrocketing number of inventions spring up in people's everyday life. Though these inventions do offer grand convenience, they also exert negative influences on children's innovation.

To begin with, the advent of computer plays a noxious role in cultivating children's sense of creativity. A recent survey conducted by China Juvenile Fund(CJF) revealed a fact that over 86% of pupils are addicted in the computer games. With the computer science develops quickly, every child has an access to own a computer. For their parents original aims is to boost the child's academical achievement, however, too much exposure to computer does harm to kids mentally and physically. Consequently children who are into that games tend to be less creative but of great inanity.

Moreover, automobiles enable children to think less which results in creativity deficiency. With the help of private cars, children are able to reach any remote places directly. To the contrary, in the past, children who had to walk,ride or take buses would consider whether they took the shortest way to get to a pot or whether they could spend the least money via that line. Nowadays, children may live in a more convenient life, whereas they lost the chance to think. As a result, it turns out that modern children are less creative.

Besides, the occurrence of microwave oven limits children's creativity. A microwave oven is a facility used in the kitchen. When people prepare for a meal, they can just put ingredients and water into that oven, then after several minutes, they will enjoy a tantalizing dish. So you see, it is quite easy for a kid to use. Especially as the parents are not at home, they just need turn to the microwave oven for help instead of using knieves and pots to creat some new courses by themselves. Under this circumstance, it is possible that children will not no longer want to invent new dishes. Thus, the level of creativity declines.

To sum up, though technology brings children with so many inventions such as computer, automobile and microwave oven, the disadvantage of those machines overwhelm their advantages. Hence, we should create an environment where children can cultivate innovation power without those inventions. I believe, in this way, children will provide us with more and better things they devise.

Crystaljoy

3.18 独立修改

昨晚把你的美文放在word里，刚才才想起来，赶快贴出。

People make several mistakes every day: a teacher may forget the name of his students or an employment just being late for their work（; an employee may be late for job 原句or后应该也是结构对称的句子）. When it comes to children, parents tend to be puzzled that if they are supposed to stand aside to let children learn from their own mistakes. My answer is （definitely 加强一下）yes.

To begin with, as mistakes are so inevitable that parents should make（换个encourage to） their children learn from these mistakes. A person must undergo a childhood of immature and impulsive. At that time, he is likely to make mistakes. （蓝色的表达有误。建议改成： Everybody goes through an immature and impulsive childhood when making stumbles is inevitable.）Take my little gregarious sister Jenny as an example, she studied in a primary school. As she was young and energetic ut autonomic (autonomic自律的？), then she was always ready to chat with others whenever in or off class（even at classes）. Hence, it made her often criticized by her teachers. However, her mother got a good moment to talk (talked frankly 感觉有点chinglish了) to Jenny about this serious problem. She enabled Jenny to realize that she would bother both her classmates and teachers in class. Then (As a result), Jenny's change received everyone's compliment. So, we can get the point that though some mistakes are inevitable, they do help to correct children's behaviors.

In addition, lessons from mistakes are more effective for parents to deliver good manners. Since kids usually turn to be bored with these big long sentences(super stereotyped teaching) which parents give to tell them what should do or not do(删去), (but) a simple conversation based on big（abstract） principles do less help to kids. Opposite to such a boring conversation, if parents are able to teach the child a lesson on a certain mistake he just made, it is more effective. So, the kid can not argue that he could never do this as he had already made that mistake. To conclude, giving a lesson on the mistake which the children commited(committed) just before is of great vitality. (感觉多是vitality ‘有生机有活力’的意思。Vividness生动？不太确定)

Moreover, a（an） excellent habit of learning from mistakes boosts children's future career.According to a survey conducted by China Juvenile Funds(CJF) with over 85% of respondents take in reflected a fact that most successful men developed a good habit that they usually tried to correct over from their mistakes. Just like what happened to myself.(, like不能引导一句话) When I was a little girl, my parents allowed me to（do） everything I planed to do. Once I made a decision to participate in a computer game competition. Notwithstanding, too much exposure to that computer game,I can not spend time on my homework, then I fell behind academically. At the moment, my father came to me and told patiently to me about how to assign the time more scientifically. Consequently, I gradually corrected my attitude on the time management, （and rectified my academic performance.）which（GMAT语法说which 不能指代前面整句话Such wisdom gain also） did me a favor in my job hunting. Thanks (to) my parents, I am an experienced sales manager of a big company now. (Wow, congrats!!!)

Considering all analysis above, I firmly insist that parents are supposed to put their children into the environment where they learn from mistakes they make.



字数绝对是优势！好羡慕！

内容举例都很好，三方面论证也很完善。不错呢！进步大哇~

婷婷connie

3.20 独立
将拆分进行到底
超时十五分钟，自觉蹲墙角去……

The human being was evolved three million years ago, since then, people have been engaged in tackling problems and a great number of issues remained to be attended nowadays. The optimistic believe those questions would be solved in their lifetime, whereas, I insist difficulties of greatest importance cannot be figured out at a moment.    

To begin with, the most vital problems are usually too complex to be solved out quickly. In general, prominent problems are politically, economically and culturally connected. They tend to be mixture of hardship. Take China as an example, Taiwan Island is one of the most important existed problems of China. During recent years, the Chinese government take numbers of measures to realize its goal, that is, making Taiwan Island really become an inevitable part of China. Nevertheless, due to the complex historical backgrounds, it is that diversity on virous aspects impedes the progress of unity. Thus, the most important problems cannot be worked out in a few years.

Moreover, it is improbable to find solutions to some most serious ones as people do not own mature technologies. Let us come into a worldwide most serious problem: global warming. When it comes to the problem of global warming, even the most outstanding scientist will frown. The global warming is a phenomenon which indicates the intense rise of the global temperature because of the over releasement of carbon dioxide. Every country is anxious to delay this harmful phenomenon. However, as we are not able to think up any effective and efficient technological tactics, we has nothing to do but call for people's concern towards the currency of global warming. Hence, it seems hopeless to solve such troubles unless we devise some practical technologies.

Besides, a most critical problem need a long period to witness its effects. These most important issues have a common feature, namely, demanding an accumulation of long-time efforts. The education popularization is an excellent case. In Africa, it is normal that most of children have no access to be educated as they are short of wealth. In spite of the fact that many prosperous countries such The US and China annually donate quantities of money and other materials to those demanding African countries, it looks that such policy have not come into effect. Some socialists said it was just a matter of time to convey the educational concepts. So you see, the management of those most crucial matters takes adequate time to be accomplished.  
                       
To sum up, because of the complexity, technological difficulty and long-time requirement, we cannot rush to work out these momentous problems in a person's lifetime. Only full consideration and efforts put in a long progress will people successfully defeat these problems in the end.

婷婷connie

字数多的代价是写不完啊，啊，啊
下次限制自己，要是没有写完就发一篇

chasedreamabc

Since education accelerates the rate which technology develops, a skyrocketing number of inventions spring up in people's everyday life. Though these inventions do offer grand convenience, they also exert negative influences on children's innovation.

To begin with, the advent of computer plays a noxious role in cultivating children's sense of creativity. A recent survey conducted by China Juvenile Fund(CJF) revealed a fact that over 86% of pupils are addicted in the computer games. With the computer science develops quickly, every child has an access to own a computer. For their parents original aims is( are) to boost the child's academic academical achievement, however, too much exposure to computer does harm to kids mentally and physically. Consequently children who are into that(those) games tend to be less creative but of great inanity.

Moreover, automobiles enable children to think less which results in creativity deficiency. With the help of private cars, children are able to reach any remote places directly. To the contrary, in the past, children who had to walk ride or take buses would consider whether they took the shortest way to get to a pot or whether they could spend the least money via that line. Nowadays, children may live in a more convenient life, whereas they lost the chance to think. As a result, it turns out that modern children are less creative.

Besides, the occurrence of microwave oven limits children's creativity. A microwave oven is a facility used in the kitchen. When people prepare for a meal, they can just put ingredients and water into that oven, then after several minutes, they will enjoy a tantalizing dish. So you see, it is quite easy for a kid to use. Especially as the parents are not at home, they just need turn to the microwave oven for help instead of using knieves(knives) and pots to creat(create) some new courses by themselves. Under this circumstance, it is possible that children will not no longer want to invent new dishes. Thus, the level of creativity declines.

To sum up, though technology brings children with so many inventions such as computer, automobile and microwave oven, the disadvantage of those machines overwhelm their advantages. Hence, we should create an environment where children can cultivate innovation power without those inventions. I believe, in this way, children will provide us with more and better things they devise.(哈哈，感觉思路好,真的找不到什么不好的啦，写那么理由时间够吗？我当时考GMAT的作文时间就比较紧张)

jiaosisisisi

red  means  maybe need revise
blue means  赞
olive  means my words after reading your passage

The human being was evolved three million years ago, (人类和进化是主动关系吧)since then, people have been engaged in tackling problems and a great number of issues remained to be attended nowadays. The optimistic believe those questions would be solved in their lifetime, whereas, I insist difficulties of greatest importance cannot be figured out at a moment.（at a moment我查了下，貌似at a moment 跟 in their lifetime对比有点weird。这个如何呢near these decades）

To begin with, the most vital problems are usually too complex to be solved out quickly. In general, prominent problems are politically, economically and culturally connected. They tend to be mixture of hardship. Take China as an example, （以前一直纠结是take sth as example 还是 take sth for example,,刚才google搜索了下，相关词条都过亿。证明用法正确）Taiwan Island is one of the most important existed problems of China. During recent years, the Chinese government take numbers of measures to realize its goal, that is, making Taiwan Island really become an inevitable （不可分割比较好inseparable）part of China. Nevertheless, due to the complex historical backgrounds, it is that diversity on virous aspects impedes the progress of unity. Thus, the most important problems cannot be worked out in a few years.

Moreover, it is improbable to find solutions to some most serious ones (?这句话的中心名词，貌似没有出现)as people do not own mature technologies. Let us come into a worldwide most serious problem: global warming. When it comes to the problem of global warming, even the most outstanding scientist will frown. The global warming is a phenomenon which indicates the intense rise of the global temperature because of the over releasement of carbon dioxide. Every country is anxious to delay （建议一个prevent如何呢~~）this harmful phenomenon. However, as we are not able to think up any effective and（否定后面用or比较好，不知道ETS管不管这些的。。。） efficient technological tactics, we has nothing to do but call for people's concern towards the currency of global warming. Hence, it seems hopeless to solve such troubles unless we devise some practical technologies.

Besides, amost critical problemneed a long period to witness its effects. These most important issues have a common feature, namely, demanding an accumulation of long-time efforts. The education popularization is an excellent case. In Africa, it is normal that most of children have no access to be educated as they are short of wealth. In spite of the fact that many prosperous countries such The US and China annually donate quantities of money and other materials to those demanding African countries, it looks that such policy have not come into effect. Some socialists said it was just a matter of time to convey the educational concepts. So you see, the management of those most crucial matters takes adequate time to be accomplished.

To sum up, because of the complexity, technological difficulty and long-time requirement, we cannot rush to work out these momentous problems in a person's lifetime. Only full consideration and efforts put in a long progress will people successfully defeat these problems in the end.



整体很流畅，例子很美好，

淡淡提一下，你貌似最高级用的次数非常多，我建议你可以转变下表达形式，多样性地表达可能会更加好一些吧。OK，今天要赶车，所以给你只挑毛病了。请不要怪我~~~~

You know 建议比鲜花更加practical ~~~

婷婷connie

People make several mistakes every day: a teacher may forget the name of his students； an employment may be late for job（; an employee may be late for job 原句or后应该也是结构对称的句子）. When it comes to children, parents tend to be puzzled that if they are supposed to stand aside to let children learn from their own mistakes. My answer is definitely（definitely 加强一下）yes.

To begin with, as mistakes are so inevitable that parents should encourage（换个encourage to） their childrento learn from these mistakes. Everybody undergoesan immature and impulsive childhood when committing faults is inevitable. （蓝色的表达有误。建议改成： Everybody goes through an immature and impulsive childhood when making stumbles is inevitable.）Take my little gregarious sister Jenny as an example, she studied in a primary school. As she was young and energetic but autonomicnot self-disciplined(autonomic自律的？), then she was always ready to chat with otherseven in class（even at classes）. Hence, it made her often criticized by her teachers. However, her mothertalked frankly(talked frankly 感觉有点chinglish了)(哇哇，我赶紧改！坚持local化)to Jenny about this serious problem. She enabled Jenny to realize that she would bother both her classmates and teachers in class.Consequently (As a result), Jenny's change received everyone's compliment. So, we can get the point that though some mistakes are inevitable, they do help to correct children's behaviors.



In addition, lessons from mistakes are more effective for parents to deliver good manners. Since kids usually turn to be bored with these super stereotyped teaching(super stereotyped teaching) which parents give to tell them what should do or not do(删去), (but) a simple conversation based on abstract（abstract） principles do less help to kids. Opposite to such a boring conversation, if parents are able to teach the child a lesson on a certain mistake he just made, it is more effective. So, the kid can not argue that he could never do this as he had already made that mistake. To conclude, giving a lesson on the mistake which the children committed(committed) just before is of greatervitality. (感觉多是vitality ‘有生机有活力’的意思。Vividness生动？不太确定)(都行)

Moreover, an（an） excellent habit of learning from mistakes boosts children'sfuture career.According to a survey conducted by China Juvenile Funds(CJF) with over 85% of respondents take in reflected a fact that(呵呵，我几乎每篇作文都用，养成习惯了，完全是为了考试而写啊)most successful men developed a good habit that they usually tried to correct over from their mistakes. Just like what happened to myself，(, like不能引导一句话) When I was a little girl, my parents allowed me to do（do) everything I planed to do. Once I made a decision to participate in a computer game competition. Notwithstanding, too much exposure to that computer game,I can not spend time on my homework, then I fell behind academically. At the moment, my father came to me and told patiently to me about how to assign the time more scientifically. Consequently, I gradually corrected my attitude on the time management, and rectified my academic performance（and rectified my academic performance.）which（GMAT语法说which 不能指代前面整句话Such wisdom gain also）This habitdid me a favor in my job hunting. Thanks (to) my parents, I am an experienced sales manager of a big company now. (Wow, congrats!!!)(秋风落叶飘过……这个例子是编的啊啊啊)

Considering all analysis above, I firmly insist that parents are supposed to put their children into the environment where they learn from mistakes they make.

婷婷connie

还是有一些小毛病的，词汇不够丰富，呵呵，就是因为字数多了，所以每次都超时，现在闭关修炼中，提速！

婷婷connie

呵呵，欢迎打次再狠批一点~批批更舒爽嘛!因为题目给的是the most important problem，所以我也没怎么想就直接照写了，你能给我提供几个改写的例子吗？
The human being evolved from anthropoids three million years ago, (人类和进化是主动关系吧)since then, people have been engaged in tackling problems and a great number of issues remained to be attended nowadays. The optimistic believe those questions would be solved in their lifetime, whereas, I firmly insist difficulties of greatest importance cannot be figured out near these decades.（at a moment我查了下，貌似at a moment 跟 in their lifetime对比有点weird。这个如何呢near these decades）To begin with, the most vital problems are usually too complex to be solved out quickly. In general, prominent problems are politically, economically and culturally connected. They tend to be mixture of hardship. Take China as an example, （以前一直纠结是take sth as example 还是 take sth for example,,刚才google搜索了下，相关词条都过亿。证明用法正确）Taiwan Island is one of the most important existed problems of China. During recent years, the Chinese government take numbers of measures to realize its goal, that is, making Taiwan Island really become an inseparable （不可分割比较好inseparable）part of China. Nevertheless, due to the complex historical backgrounds, it is that diversity on virous aspects impedes the progress of unity. Thus, the most important problems cannot be worked out in a few years.Moreover, it is improbable to find solutions to some most serious ones (本段TS:不可能找到解决这些严重的问题的途径)(?这句话的中心名词，貌似没有出现)as people do not own mature technologies. Let us come into a worldwide most serious problem: global warming. When it comes to the problem of global warming, even the most outstanding scientist will frown. The global warming is a phenomenon which indicates the intense rise of the global temperature because of the over releasement of carbon dioxide. Every country is anxious to prevent/impede/resist（建议一个prevent如何呢~~）this harmful phenomenon. However, as we are not able to think up any effective or（否定后面用or比较好，不知道ETS管不管这些的。。。） efficient technological tactics, we has nothing to do but call for people's concern towards the currency of global warming. Hence, it seems hopeless to solve such troubles unless we devise some practical technologies.Besides, a most critical problem need a long period to witness its effects. These most important issues have a common feature, namely, demanding an accumulation of long-time efforts. The education popularization is an excellent case. In Africa, it is normal that most of children have no access to be educated as they are short of wealth. In spite of the fact that many prosperous countries such The US and China annually donate quantities of money and other materials to those demanding African countries, it looks that such policy have not come into effect. Some socialists said it was just a matter of time to convey the educational concepts. So you see, the management of those most crucial matters takes adequate time to be accomplished.To sum up, because of the complexity, technological difficulty and long-time requirement, we cannot rush to work out these momentous problems in a person's lifetime. Only full consideration and efforts put in a long progress will people successfully defeat these problems in the end.

婷婷connie

3.21 独立
本来还想用拆分法，把people拆成children,adults,the olds,不过想想还是选择的让步写法。这次在掐时间，字数明显就下来了
As people live in the modern time where there is a boom for information, the Internet industrial flourishes together. The internet offers people a lot of messages, such as employment notes, working reporters and so on. So, I definitely insist that the Internet plays an essential role in the information exchange.

To begin with, work hunters benefit a lot from recruitment informations on the Internet. It is commonly accepted that the matter of employment is one of the most vital problems in the world. But now many people could breath out as the foundation of the online hiring stage. With the development of the Internet, many giant companies create a employment system through which one is accessible to the job news of companies and submit his resume. Hence, chances are more for him to get hired.Therefore, a good use of network does help people find jobs with more easiness.

Moreover, it is efficient, convenient and economical for workers to exchange informations via networks. In working situations everyone has a lot of affairs to deal with. What if people are in different departments or various floors need to discuss business? Then, computers answer, "yes, we can." Actually, with those devices' technological help, we can deliver a chat or just face-to-face talk with each other. As a result, people save quantities of time, energy and money. So it is obvious that the Internet enables workers to accomplish their tasks at an unbelievable speed, and even boost the international trade.        

Besides, though I admit there emerges some troubles in the network, we are able to control these issues via a more complete policies. The government has strengthen the force to fine those illegal online activities. Take a case in point, three years ago, thousands of net-citizens are threatened a group of fake websites which received money without sending goods. Then, the government made a law to forbid this behavior and related department made efforts to close these bad sites. Consequently, people come back to a harmony and believable atmosphere.

In general, since the Internet can not only help solve the employment problems,but also make work more efficient, convenient and economical. We are responsible to learn to make full use of it. Only in this way, will we become the beam of our country!