婷婷connie的作文帖~勇者创造机会，愚者等待机会

Herisson0509

There is an skyrocketing number of college students, as parents urge children to be more competitive in the job hunting via acquiring knowledge on campus.（As parents urge children to be more competitive in the job hunting via acquiring knowledge on campus，there is an skyrocketing number of college students.我觉得换下位置，读起来比较顺。）I put my first priority on universities whose graduates can find good jobs instead of those which are abundant for famous professors.

To begin with, universities which get its students prepared for future careers grant（不是很恰当，grant是准许，同意的意思吧，但是我也想不出换什么词好） graduates a sense of happiness. According to a report delivered by China College Graduates Institute(CCGI), over 83% of students confessed that they tend to be of significant complacence when succeeding in the job competitions. Take my gregarious brother Tom for example, he studied in a college which is expertize on majors of teaching. At the beginning, he was quite disappointed. However, when he fortunately became a teacher in a famous English school where pays highly after his graduation. He felt his effort paid back, then he told everyone that his choice was right and he was fairly happy delighted（the success and happiness he own today ascribe to his once choice.纯属个人意见啊）. So you see (we can come to a conclusion), a university which has a higher rate of working is more reliable and makes its graduates happier.

Besides, though some universities are famous for its professors, people think it is more useful to enter the university where they are able to obtain more useful things during working. Everyone has to face the fact that even if he is accepted by a reputated(忘记删掉了吧) reputable university like Peking University, he still needs to find a job after graduation. However, he may be defeated in the interview by someone who receives high education in a university where students are well cultivated for different job skills.（这句可以划去，不利于你的论点）According to a certain Human Resource manager, he said what he look （looks）upon is students' abilities instead of the fame of the university where the students are graduated from. Hence, we can know that learning working skills directly saves more time than listening to a famous professor.

Furthermore, taking courses in a college where graduates can be easily employed is more efficient than the other type. Actually, every students' aims are simple, namely, finding a proper job. In a well-known university, people get a deep accumulation from famous professors. Opposite to those famed universities, students take courses which are more linkable to their future works instead of waste（wasting） a lot of time on something of less applicational applied value. Additonally Moreover（留一个）, they(can) have a better control of their extra time and they（可以划去，一个主语就够了，还是我觉得） grasp more opportunities via(前面用过了，换一个吧) hanging around in the employing scene. So, it looks that the second students are more efficient in the process of searching jobs. （觉得表达得不太对，怪怪的）

Considering all analysis above, we come to the conclusion that students feel happier, more useful and efficient to study in a university where graduates can find good jobs than those more famous universities.

很赞的作品！！！你的字数好多啊，我每次怎么挤也都撑死300+。强！！！
文章的结构性很强，观点也很明确，例证与论点相辅相成，非常有说服力。

不过可能就像你说的还是有些中式化。



小错误估计是由于你在卡时间的时候比较急犯下的，下次注意吧，我都没卡时间呢，呜呜，每次都好久。

有些地方都是我自己感觉的，你也知道我的水平啦，明我再让鸟儿姐帮忙看一下，害怕给你改错。

Crystaljoy

在小刺猬修改的基础上，加了一点个人意见（红色）。可以参考下吼。

There is an skyrocketing number of college students, as parents urge children to be more competitive in the job hunting via acquiring knowledge on campus.（As parents urge children to be more competitive in the job hunting via acquiring knowledge on campus，there is an（a）skyrocketing number of college students.我觉得换下位置，读起来比较顺。）I put my first priorityon(over我记得有词组是take priority over) universities whose graduates can find good jobs instead of those which are abundant for(are abundant in ) famous professors.

To begin with, universities which get its (their)students prepared for future careers grant（不是很恰当，grant是准许，同意的意思吧，但是我也想不出换什么词好）(是想表达赋予的意思？endow sth with sb? 或者保证？Ensure? ) graduates a sense of happiness. According to a report delivered by China College Graduates Institute(CCGI), over 83% of students confessed that they tend to be of significant complacence when succeeding in the job (searching) competitions. Take my gregarious (好！) brother Tom for example, he studied in a college which is expertize on （was superb in）majors of teaching. At the beginning, he was quite disappointed. However, when he fortunately became a teacher in a famous English school（有点歧义呢）where pays highly after his graduation（无主语）.（however, when he fortunately became an English teacher in a famous school, all the effort was repaid. ）He felt his effort paid back, then he told everyone that his choice was right and he was fairly happy delighted（the success and happiness he own today ascribe to his once choice.纯属个人意见啊）. So you see (we can come to a conclusion), a university which has a higher rate of working is more reliable and makes its graduates happier.(层次有点乱。试试 whose graduates enjoy a reputation of high employment benefits the students a lot.)

Besides, though some universities are famous for its（注意指代，一定要能找到指代的N。这里就没有单数N，需要用their） professors, people think it is more useful to enter the university where they are able to obtain more useful things during working（practical skills for career development）. Everyone has to face the fact that even if he is accepted by a reputated(忘记删掉了吧) reputable university like Peking University, he still needs to find a job after graduation. However, he may be defeated in the interview by someone who receives high education in a university where students are well cultivated for different job skills.（这句可以划去，不利于你的论点）(觉得留下可以，最好改成by someone who receives education in an ordinary university where professors are far less but students are…这样就可以和北大形成对比)According to a certain Human Resource manager, he said what he look （looks）upon is students' abilities instead of the fame of the university where the students are graduated from. Hence, we can know that learning working skills directly saves more time（plays a more significant role 否则与下一观点重复）than listening to a famous professor (in career development).

Furthermore, taking courses in a college where graduates can be easily employed is more efficient than the other type. Actually, every students' aims are simple, namely, finding（删去，可直接加N(更简洁)/句子。）a proper job. In a well-known university, people get a deep accumulation from famous professors. Opposite to those famed universities, students take courses which are more linkable to their future works instead of waste（wasting） a lot of time on something of less applicational applied value. Additonally Moreover（留一个）, they(can) have a better control of their extra time and they（可以划去，一个主语就够了，还是我觉得） grasp more opportunities via(前面用过了，换一个吧) hanging around in the employing scene（什么意思？）. So, it looks that the second students are more efficient in the process of searching jobs. （觉得表达得不太对，怪怪的）

Considering all analysis above, we come to the conclusion that students feel happier, more useful and efficient to study in a university where graduates can find good jobs than those more famous universities. （those 前后不对称，后者可以点到教授多，根据题意再组织一下吧）

婷婷connie

3.15 独立
Nowadays, people tend to be more engaged in their business both personally and on public, therefore, they sometimes have to make the choice that whether finishing one project first or tackle several affairs at the same time. In my opinion, get one project done before starting another is a better strategy.

To begin with, people feel more concentrated on their works if they finish one project at one time. As people can not care for every task he has encountered, he is supposed to make a list of those things and focus on the most important affair and then does the less important ones. Only pour all energy and time on just one issue at one time dose he enable to get his work done perfectly. Opposing to the former strategy, a person may can doing two or three projects at the same time, but he has to divide his attention onto all of these projects, which largely decelerates the rate that he makes a enement  prominent achievements during his work. So, one should concentrate his attention to one thing before moving the next one.

Moreover, it is a single projector that is more likely to receive a sense of success. Take my brother Jim as example, he is a outstanding student in his college. Once he had chance to take part in both the mathematical modeling competition and the electrical match, he felt puzzled and wanted to take both. However, things turned out difficult to hold the both. Finally, he decided to participate in the latter considering his major. Consequently, he won a first prize in the electrical match and he felt of significant success about his advisable choice. So you see, concentration on one project do help people achieve success.

Besides, a multi-tasker does not mean efficiency. I admit that a multi-tasker who is extraordinary enough may finish many vital projects at one time. However, there is not a good number of such genius in the world. As far as I am concerned, most people  can do many things at the same time. For instance, a person has ability to work on his homework while listening to some music, or another guy can easily accomplish his academical essay when chatting with others on the internet as well as watching a movie at the same moment. Nevertheless, those kinds of things are not all valued or urged. Hence, a multi-tasker does not necessarily stand for efficiency.  

Considering all analysis above, finishing one project before starting another is obviously a better choice for us, for it makes us more concentrated, successful and efficient. We have nothing to do but cultivate a habit to focus on one thing at one time. Only in this way will we be more competitive in our jobs.

婷婷connie

好谦虚哦，我刚看完你写的那篇工作时间的作文，还有你昨天写的都没什么可下手的，很赞，呵呵
我正努力脱离中式英语……
大家一起加油哦~

婷婷connie

谢谢鸟儿的悉心修改，同时向herrisson学习，以后每天进行灾后重建工作（听起来有点恐怖，就是把文章再改一下啦~）

Herisson0509

谢谢婷婷的鼓励 加油

婷婷connie

改后：紫色

As parents urge children to be more competitive in the job hunting via acquiring knowledge on campus, there is an skyrocketing number of college students.（As parents urge children to be more competitive in the job hunting via acquiring knowledge on campus，there is an（a）skyrocketing number of college students.我觉得换下位置，读起来比较顺。）I put my first priorityto(over我记得有词组是take priority over) universities whose graduates can find good jobs instead of those which are abundantin(are abundant in ) famous professors.

To begin with, universities which get their(their)students prepared for future careers render/endow（不是很恰当，grant是准许，同意的意思吧，但是我也想不出换什么词好）(是想表达赋予的意思？endow sth with sb? 或者保证？Ensure? ) graduates a sense of happiness. According to a report delivered by China College Graduates Institute(CCGI), over 83% of students confessed that they tend to be of significant complacence when succeeding in the job (searching) competitions. Take my gregarious (好！) brother Tom for example, he studied in a college which was superb in（was superb in）majors of teaching. At the beginning, he was quite disappointed. However, when he fortunately became a teacherof New Oriental English school (haha ,有点恶搞)（有点歧义呢）whichpays highly after his graduation（无主语）.（however, when he fortunately became an English teacher in a famous school, all the effort was repaid. ）He felt his effort paid back, then he told everyone that his success and happiness he own tiday ascribe to his wise choice（the success and happiness he own today ascribe to his once choice.纯属个人意见啊）. So you see (we can come to a conclusion), a university whose graduates enjoy a reputation of high employment benefits students a lot.(层次有点乱。试试 whose graduates enjoy a reputation of high employment benefits the students a lot.)

Besides, though some universities are famous for their（注意指代，一定要能找到指代的N。这里就没有单数N，需要用their） professors, people think it is more useful to enter the university where they are able to obtain more pratical skills for future career promotion（practical skills for career development）. Everyone has to face the fact that even if he is accepted by a reputated(忘记删掉了吧) reputable university like Peking University, he still needs to find a job after graduation. However, he may be defeated in the interview by someone who receives education in a ordinary university where professors are far less but students are well cultivated for different job skills.（这句可以划去，不利于你的论点）(觉得留下可以，最好改成by someone who receives education in an ordinary university where professors are far less but students are…这样就可以和北大形成对比)According to a certain Human Resource manager, he said what he look （looks）upon is students' abilities instead of the fame of the university where the students are graduated from. Hence, we can know that learning working skills directly plays a more significant role in career development（plays a more significant role 否则与下一观点重复）(in career development).

Furthermore, taking courses in a college where graduates can be easily employed is more efficient than the other type. Actually, every students' aims are simple, namely, finding（删去，可直接加N(更简洁)/句子。）a proper job. In a well-known university, people get a deep accumulation from famous professors. Opposite to those famed universities, students take courses which are more linkable to their future works instead of waste（wasting） a lot of time on something of less applicational applied value. Additonally Moreover（留一个）, they(can) have a better control of their extra time and they（可以划去，一个主语就够了，还是我觉得） grasp more opportunities though recruitment fairs(前面用过了，换一个吧) hanging around in the employing scene（什么意思？在招聘现场）. So, it looks that students of universities which have higher rate of employmentare more efficient in the process of searching jobs. （觉得表达得不太对，怪怪的）

Considering all analysis above, we come to the conclusion that students feel happier, more useful and efficient to study in a university where graduates can find good jobs than thosewho have access to more famous professors . （those 前后不对称，后者可以点到教授多，根据题意再组织一下吧）

婷婷connie

As people are more concerned with the juvenile, there is increasing opprtunity for schools to rise their educational qualities. And a heated debate whether famous teachers or advanced facilities are better for students arosed in the society. If I were the master of a school, I would choose to pay more attention to improve our facilities.

To begin with, a whole set of athletical facilities provides students with large convenience. As students spend most of their time in the school, they have more things done there, for example exercise. Let us assume that a school makes its exercise equipment available, then students have chance to enjoy exercising in the shcool instead of reaching remote places to get exercised. In this way he or she is able to keep fit and as well save time and money. Thus, students benefit a lot from the polily of improving facilities.

Moreover, the introduction of projectos enables ordinary teachers to convey more to students in class. Take my high school as an example. One time, my school received the governmental subsidy. Hence, the headmaster made the choice to pay more attention to improve facilities. Then the school brought in several projectors. The prjectors made it possible to save much time in our studies as teachers no longer needed to write notes on the blackboard, which helped us acquire more in the limited time. So we can come to a conclusion that facilities does help a lot on our study.

Besides, the popularity of computer plays a significant role to broaden students' eyes.  According to a survey conducted by China Juvenile Funds, 85% of the respondents confessed that with the use of computers, they could get a better understanding of the points they obtained in class. Inspite a teacher is famous in his major field, he still has to face the fact that sometimes he can not remember things clearly and throughly. Opposite to famous teachers who are unprobable to know everything referred to the subjects, a computer is a link for us to travel in the sea of knowledge via internet. As a result, students get into an unlimited academic area.

Above all the analysis, facilities like athletical equipment, projector and computer, do stimulates us to achieve  more success. Therefore, I agree that school is supposed to pay more attention to improve facilities.

婷婷connie

这次字数有点少
As people are more concerned with the juvenile, there is increasing opprtunity for schools to rise their educational qualities. And a heated debate whether famous teachers or advanced facilities are better for students arosed in the society. If I were the master of a school, I would choose to pay more attention to improve our facilities.

To begin with, a whole set of athletical facilities provides students with large convenience. As students spend most of their time in the school, they have more things done there, for example exercise. Let us assume that a school makes its exercise equipment available, then students have chance to enjoy exercising in the shcool instead of reaching remote places to get exercised. In this way he or she is able to keep fit and as well save time and money. Thus, students benefit a lot from the polily of improving facilities.

Moreover, the introduction of projectos enables ordinary teachers to convey more to students in class. Take my high school as an example. One time, my school received the governmental subsidy. Hence, the headmaster made the choice to pay more attention to improve facilities. Then the school brought in several projectors. The prjectors made it possible to save much time in our studies as teachers no longer needed to write notes on the blackboard, which helped us acquire more in the limited time. So we can come to a conclusion that facilities does help a lot on our study.

Besides, the popularity of computer plays a significant role to broaden students' eyes.  According to a survey conducted by China Juvenile Funds, 85% of the respondents confessed that with the use of computers, they could get a better understanding of the points they obtained in class. Inspite a teacher is famous in his major field, he still has to face the fact that sometimes he can not remember things clearly and throughly. Opposite to famous teachers who are unprobable to know everything referred to the subjects, a computer is a link for us to travel in the sea of knowledge via internet. As a result, students get into an unlimited academic area.

Above all the analysis, facilities like athletical equipment, projector and computer, do stimulates us to achieve  more success. Therefore, I agree that school is supposed to pay more attention to improve facilities.

Herisson0509

婷婷，我今天有课，中午交掉啊。