Anthony Summer的写作贴~~~互帮互助共同进步啊!~~~~~求狠狠的批~~~~~????????????????????????????

AnthonySummer · 发表于 2012-9-30 12:49:38

9-29 独立
It’s depends what is the definition of fun and what is your situation is. For example, When I were preparing TOEFL test and don't havea lot of time, if some question I want to solve, a friend I can get help from is much more important than make me fun.

If I am a freshman and have plenty of time to prepare the test such as one or two years, that means my friends and I can work together and improve our language skill together. So how to solve the problem when we feel bored? A friends make us happy seem very necessary. Also, in one study team, we can benefited from each other, meantime I was enjoying the time, have lots of fun together. That time fun and help is equal important.

When I was at elementally school, some friends just made fun of you and never help you out, I don't have a clear definition of “friends” when I was 10, so we just make fun of each other until some day when I in trouble, I suddenly realize the true definition of “Friends”, “a friend in need is a friend in deed”. We are young and made a lot of mistaken before, but we learn from it.

I found some of friends they worship money and only make friends who can help them. Especially at Shanghai, a city of temptation and chance. How will you chose your friends at a city you know no one? Sometimes we just simply need recommendation letter to networking, to get an interview opportunity, or need a push of our career.

We don't have too many choice to choose our company. If a good book can be our friends, they can simply make us fun, and we can get help from it without too much guilty of using friends that will be much better to our heart. How to enjoy purity? Just don’t think of it too much.

AnthonySummer · 发表于 2012-9-30 18:20:21

First, the passage said Hydrogen can be derived from various plentiful sources, including natural gas and even water. But Hydrogen is not as easier as available as passage mentioned, present formant of water are not easy to purify. The fuel-cell engines utilize are not easily available because hydrogen must be contain as low as minus 230 Celsius, and only laboratory can achieve that low.

Second, lectured said Hydrogen won’t solve pollution problem because pure Hydrogen creates lots of pollution, need lots of factory burning coal or oil, produce lots of carbon dioxide will also harm the environment. So the car not pollute but factory will. And it won’t solve many of the world’s pollution problems.

Third, fuel-cell engines won’t soon be economically competitive because it require container made by platinum, platinum is very expensive. Without platinum the chemical reaction won’t happen. Even though a fuel-cell powered car as nearly twice as efficient in using its fuel as an automobile powered by an internal-combustion engine is. But the material to replace platinum so far are unachievable. A hydrogen car is still cost more.

dreamcece · 发表于 2012-10-1 01:32:25

修改意见在文档里面，加油！

vanessa923 · 发表于 2012-10-2 23:23:34

黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误。
First, the passage said Hydrogen can be derived from various plentiful sources, including natural gas and even water. But Hydrogen is not as easier as available（easily available） as passage mentioned, present formant of water are not easy to purify. The fuel-cell engines utilize are not easily available because hydrogen must be contain(用得有些。。。 as low as minus 230（253） Celsius, and only laboratory can achieve that low.

Second, lectured （？）said Hydrogen won’t solve pollution problem because pure Hydrogen creates lots of pollution, need lots of factory burning coal or oil, produce lots of carbon dioxide will also harm the environment.（grammar error）So the car not pollute but factory will. And it won’t solve many of the world’s pollution problems.

Third, fuel-cell engines won’t soon be economically competitive because it require container made by platinum, （and）platinum is very expensive. Without platinum the chemical reaction won’t happen. Even though a fuel-cell powered car as nearly twice as efficient in using its fuel as an automobile powered by an internal-combustion engine is. But the material to replace platinum so far are unachievable. A hydrogen car is still cost more.

主要注意语法。个人感觉你听力问题不大。建议是加个开头和结尾，一上来就这样列有点突兀。
加油！

超级无敌小鹤鹤 · 发表于 2012-10-3 12:29:25

First, the passage said Hydrogen can be derived from various plentiful sources, including natural gas and even water. But Hydrogen is not as easier as available as passage mentioned, present formant of water are not easy to purify. The fuel-cell engines utilize are not easily available because hydrogen must be contain as low as minus 230 Celsius, and only laboratory can achieve that low.

Second, lectured said Hydrogen won’t solve pollution problem because pure Hydrogen creates lots of pollution, need lots of factory burning coal or oil, produce lots of carbon dioxide will also harm the environment. So the car not pollute but factory will. And it won’t solve many of the world’s pollution problems.

Third, fuel-cell engines won’t soon be economically competitive because it require container made by platinum, platinum is very expensive. Without platinum the chemical reaction won’t happen. Even though a fuel-cell powered car as nearly twice as efficient in using its fuel as an automobile powered by an internal-combustion engine is. But the material to replace platinum so far are unachievable. A hydrogen car is still cost more.

-- by 会员 AnthonySummer (2012/9/30 18:20:21)

综合写作的话，最好有个总的开头，不要一上来就是First，Second，Third。。。

AnthonySummer · 发表于 2012-10-4 01:19:23

O(∩_∩)O谢谢哦，下次改你的也用黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误。现在听取大家建议好好熟悉结构，运用复杂句。基本上都能听懂，关键用自己的意思理解然后都用最简单的词速记，然后倒写的时候也完全口语化了。需要多加练习！另外谢谢大家大家了！加油！

AnthonySummer · 发表于 2012-10-5 21:44:38

辛苦改的战友了！

10.5 独立

Do you agree or disagree: It is much easier for people to achieve success without families' help than in the past.

I disagree about that it is much easier for people to achieve success without families' help than in the past. I think families' help is a shortcut to success. With their support, we can save a lot of time and avoid some unnecessary failures. Everyone need help if he/she want to achieve a goal. Human is social animals and no one can fight alone.

I read a lot of biography book about successful people. I found one common part is all of them were influenced by their parents or families deeply. Not only they share common genes but also their parents provide them the best education and grow up environment. As we all know one of the most successful people like former CEO of Microsoft: Bill Gates, his mother was a board of director of HP, and his father was a senior lawyer. He grows up in a wealthy family, graduated from the best and most expensive elementary school. Later in 1980, computer to most of us just like an alien technology, but he already had thousands of hours of learning a computer language program. I heard a theory so called "ten thousand hour's genius", means every genius had been practiced more than ten thousand hours, they were the top specialist of their own area. He went to Harvard law school because of his father was a senior lawyer so he had the advantage to understand common law, and later drop off school because of his family wealth provided his best education that generation can offer so he had enough confidence to believe that he can succeed. Later he become an entrepreneur and faces some deadly competitions such as Apple, without his mother help (as a senior technology Company's board member) his start-up company would not survive. All the solid foundation from his families made today's Microsoft Empire. Even his wife was introduced by his mother. How lucky he was!

As instance, A hero come from an ordinary family was not so lucky, Steven Jobs, he like wild grass and fighting until died because of cancer. His whole life was not as smooth as Gates's. Without help from family, he drops of college because it was too expensive to afford. He did not have a father who was a senior lawyer, did not know how to write a law agreement to against an ambitious manager who finally took over her board member. Steven was kick off Apple. Because when Steven was young, he is a wild grass and did not accept systemic training to become a deep thinker like Gates. Although I preferred using windows instead of a Mac but I admired Steven more, because both of us need to struggle a lot for a successful life. Sometimes we even cannot survive when failure coming because we didn't have the industry connection and resource, and didn't know who we should to network and trust. We were not born with a golden key.

I believe everyone whether he/she noticed or not, our families tried them best to help us find the best education: a solid foundation of success, they like a navigation house guiding us on the life journey, influence our life philosophy, So we can stand on the giant's shoulder to achieve success much more easier compare to those whose families cannot help them out of trouble.

AnthonySummer · 发表于 2012-10-5 22:46:48

10.5 tpo 15 综合

The lecture argues against the three measures mentioned solving the overpopulation of the cane toad in the reading passage will have negative affection, inefficiency or expect harmful of the natural environment.

The lecture argues the first solution, to build a national fence at river and stream would not prevent toad give a birth. Because limited numbers of toad or eggs travel through the fence from one side to another can guarantee the reproduction rates of whole species.

Regarding the second measures, inexperience volunteer will have difficulty to distinguish between cane toads and native frogs, therefore they might kill both of the two species. The harmful side is over benefit part.

Finally, the lecture objects the third solution, developing a disease-causing virus to control the cane toad populations. She points out that the virus will eliminate Australia's cane toad population. Meantime through global sea circulation endanger the original toad habitat - South American continental.

dreamcece · 发表于 2012-10-6 07:18:51

The lecturer主语 argues谓语/动词 against the three measures mentioned solving the overpopulation of the cane toad in the reading passage. 前面这句没有问题，但是后面你跟的尾巴就把首段给毁了。 will have 这个谓语的主语在哪里？？ negative affection?？？你想说负面影响吗？side-effect, inefficiency or expect harmful of the natural environment. 你也说了要用短句简单句，怎么这句话如此之长而且主谓宾问题大大滴。首段最好不要一句话搞定。

The lecture argues the first solution, to build a national fence at river and stream,（不定式做限制定语修饰first solution，要用逗号断开） would not prevent toad give a birth. Because(大问题，because 是连词，也就是说它这个词后面跟的句子全部是从句，所以要改成"birth, because"） limited numbers of toad or eggs travel through the fence from one side to another can guarantee the reproduction rates of whole species. 这句话你说的是啥？没明白。如果你说穿过fence的toad数量很少，所以guarantee了reproduction rate的话，那么听力部分应该出现了错误。那个女的说，就算是穿过去的toad很少，它们的繁殖速度也很快。如果你听力没有出错的话，那么就是表达上面有问题了。

Regarding to the second measures, inexperienced volunteer will have difficulty to distinguish distinguishing (have difficulty （in） doing sth. ) between cane toads and native frogs, therefore they might kill both of the two species. The harmful side is over benefit part.这里的问题在于，没有用听力里面的内容作为例子支持你的复述。

Finally, the lecture objects这个词用得很好，但是Object表示反对时是vi,一定要加介词。object 也有vt.的用法，表“提出…作为反对的理由 ”的意思，但是object后面就要直接加反对的理由 to the third solution, developing a disease-causing virus to control the cane toad populations.这句话又是句子结构有问题。 She points out that the virus will eliminate Australia's cane toad population. Meantime through global sea circulation endanger the original toad habitat - South American continental.是central America吧。

总的从内容上来说，复述的大体内容是正确的，但是听力中的例子没有听下来，会导致你不能最大程度的复述听力的观点。
语法中的错误比较致命，主要是句子结构性出错，建议找本语法书看下长句的结构分析。其他的就是词语的属性用法不明，需要长时间积累。
加油吧。

dreamcece · 发表于 2012-10-6 07:49:49

Do you agree or disagree: It is much easier for people to achieve success without families' help than in the past.

I disagree about that it is much easier for people to achieve success without families' help than in the past. 建议：先解析下题目然后再表达在首段中表达个人观点，如果可以的话还要加上自己的分论点。~~I think~~ families' help is a shortcut to success. With their support, we can save a lot of time and avoid some unnecessary failures. Everyone need help if he/she want to achieve a goal. Human is social animals and no one can fight alone.

I read a lot of biography book about successful people. I found one common part is ~~all~~ 建议改成不那么绝对的词比如the Majority of them were influenced by their parents or families deeply. Not only they指代不清 share common genes but also their parents provide them the best education and grow up environment. As we all know one of the most successful people like former CEO of Microsoft: Bill Gates, his mother was a board of director of HP真的？？？？我怎么听说他妈是老师？？？不过这个无所谓哈，老美不管的，只要你的例子能自圆其说就好, and his father was a senior lawyer. He grows up in a wealthy family, graduated from the best and most expensive elementary school. Later in 1980, computer to most of us just like an alien technology, but he already had thousands of hours of learning a computer language program. I heard a theory so called "ten thousand hour's genius", means every genius had been practiced more than ten thousand hours, they were the top specialist of their own area.这里的论述感觉和主题不符 He went to Harvard law school because of his father was a senior lawyer so he had the advantage to understand common law, and later drop off school because of his family wealth provided his best education that generation can offer so he had enough confidence to believe that he can succeed.结构稍有问题。Later he becomes an entrepreneur and faces some deadly competitions such as Apple, without his mother help (as a senior technology Company's board member) his start-up company would not survive. All the solid foundation from his families made today's Microsoft Empire. Even his wife was introduced by his mother. How lucky he was!

As For instance, A hero come from an ordinary family was not so lucky, 一句话里面两个谓语动词啥意思。Steven Jobs, he like wild grass 你想说啥 and fighting until died because of cancer. His whole life was not as smooth as Gates's. Without help from family, he drops of college because it was too expensive to afford. He did not have a father who was a senior lawyer, did not know how to write a law agreement to against an ambitious manager who finally took over her board member. Steven was kick off Apple. Because when Steven was young, he is a wild grass and did not accept systemic training to become a deep thinker like Gates. Although I preferred using windows instead of a Mac but I admired Steven more, because both of us need to struggle a lot for a successful life. Sometimes we even cannot survive when failure coming because we didn't have the industry connection and resource, and didn't know who we should to network and trust. We were not born with a golden key.

I believe everyone whether he/she noticed or not, our families tried them best to help us find the best education: a solid foundation of success, they like a navigation house guiding us on the life journey, influence our life philosophy, So we can stand on the giant's shoulder to achieve success much more easier compare to those whose families cannot help them out of trouble.

从内容上面来看，我觉得楼主偏题甚远。原题问的是相较于以往，人们更容易不依靠家族力量获取成功。所以重点在于比较过去和现在而不应该是你的中心：依靠家族力量更容易获得成功。
其次，举的例子不能Make sense, 像我，我就认为不管gates有没有家庭力量在商业上的支持，他的Microsoft都会赚大钱他也会成功。所以gates妈妈的那个例子我不认可。
再有，语言的多样性有了提高，但是很要命的一点，长句的出错率太高。
所以，继续努力吧

Anthony Summer的写作贴~互帮互助共同进步啊!~求狠狠的批~~~????????????????????????????

TPO 9 综合写作

9.29独立改

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改9月29综合！

10.5 独立修改

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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