免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

xacgshw

这是今天练的比较关系的一题。楼主辛苦！
2.        Teaching is harder to do today than it was in the past.
With modernization process including the rapid technological advancement, particularly in the last half century, our human history is now counted in a unit of decade, rather than longer periods such as centuries. As a result, more and more high-tech products come into being with some devices even become daily necessities such as smartphones, laptops, as well as popular chatting Apps. On the one hand, modernization leads to positive improvements in teaching including higher efficiency in connecting teachers, parents and students; on the other hand, however, it also brings about unexpected outcomes of harder teaching than it was in the past.
2)        Body one
First of all, it is the technology itself underlies this predicament of teaching because all parties, especially students, tend to focus on technology rather than education. Let me take the omnipresent on-line chatting app WeChat for example. Because of the universal metropolitan problems of traffic congestions and fast working pace of parents, the two parties, teachers and parents, are now getting increasing difficulties in communicating each other face to face. As an alternative, now teachers generally introduce this app to assign homework so that parents can get involved at the same time without the need to go to school and talk to teachers. Seemingly perfect, however, it leads to the severe question, that is, the core party in the teaching activity, students are now so obsessed to these apps that they are almost distracted from their study. What I mean is that you can’t expect mass adolescents to be effective time planners as successful adults. Hence unluckily, being obsessed by high-tech instruments, students can hardly focus on their studies.
3)        Body two
Apart from obsession to high-tech, the arousal of self-awareness of students at an earlier age also results in the current harder teaching situation. As we know, students in the past had far less access to the outside world consequently making teaching a much easier job. Since the emergence of multimedia era, students can now feel free to get to know the outside world as long as they are willing to obtain information. And unfortunately, although this situation has caught on people’s eyes, it is beyond our control. So in this interactive process with the outside world, students acquire far more information than their pioneers did in the past. The media itself cannot be a filter. So no matter good or bad, students just take in and gradually form their own ideas about the world. Upon this, it is impossible for teachers and parents to change their self-sustained opinions.
4)        Body three
If we adults had enough patience and love for students in trouble, the situation would not be that bad. Unluckily, the supervising parties in teaching, mainly parents and schools, are just lack of love and patience for a variety of reasons. For parents, as we discussed before, they are usually in trouble themselves mainly busy dealing with daily chores in the office and making money, which causes them spare much less time to their kids than parents did in the past and subsequently, lack of communication and trust. For schools, the situation can be even worse. Under the increasing pressure of getting higher average grades of students, schools now put most of the resources and caring into those subjects that have practical meanings such as math, physics, etc. Seldom does a school or an individual teacher in the system care about students’ real thinking. Hence, with the addition of the above two points, students in the long run will tend to deal with problems only by themselves, and reversely, making teaching more difficult.
5)        Conclusion
Therefore, at the best era it may be, teaching, which is so-called the essential momentum in human world, is now in an emergency to get out of the current dilemma for the good of all parties, and above all, our future.

GMAT猎手

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-25 23:01
To determine what－which kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many asp ...

谢谢楼主，太感谢了，我就按照你指出的来弄，万分感激

Yu_0622

这是TPO33的独立写作，辛苦楼主了！！！作文一直卡在20-22上不去了，求指导
Topic:When teacher assign projects on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than they are asked to work alone on projects.

Based on various traits of different individuals, there are some people who are more likely to enjoy researching alone, while others prefer to work cooperatively. Nevertheless, when asked about which one enables students to learn knowledge or something else far more effectively, I would answer team works without hesitation for the following reasons.

First and foremost, among the group the students could get answers not only quickly but also vividly and directly via communicating well with each other. There is an opposite voice that students are able to google the information they need, and such a way is more effectively. However, these people confuse the "speed" with the "efficiency". Admittedly, Wikipedia and Google make knowledge readily to obtain. But it is not easy to absorb the valid information if people just browse countless articles and websites. For instance, in an experiment- testing the memory curve, volunteers (Group-A), who were always talking about some special numbers, remember much more numbers than others (Group-B) who remembered the special numbers alone. Besides, according the statistics showed in such a test, the members in Group-A remember numbers more lasting than others. Apparently, working together is more effective because of the "efficiency" based on totally mastering skills or absorbing knowledge.

Moreover, if it were not for the supervising among the team, there would not be excellent academic performance finished before the deadline. An illustrating example is my experience. Luckily, I have chosen the way of team work to accomplish one assignment concerning the model of Landscape Architecture in my campus' life. We shared ideas together; we drawn sketch together; we calculated together; we finished work perfectly. Whereas, some of my classmates insisted that they could make model by themselves before the deadline. Without a doubt, the majority of them were not able to hang in even an uncompleted model. Personally, seldom does a student work effectively without a group.

To sum up, from the deep analysis above, it can be safely concluded that working together is more effective than working alone considering inborn laziness and knowledge-absorbing capability of students.

lavenderws

xacgshw 发表于 2015-4-25 23:43
楼主及各位同道：昨天练习了第一篇独立写作，写作太慢，用来差不多50分钟才写出下面的材料来。具体的问题也 ...

整个语言和句型都还比较不错。也算是有理有据。

写得慢，主要是想太多了。注意，托福不是考察见识和思考的作文。而是语言考试。内容切题就可以了。不用深刻，甚至不用真实。大致符合逻辑就可以了。

所以最好形成自己的思考套路。在考试的时候在有限的时间内，迅速解题。
比如这个题目：
1. 科技发展，孩子们可以获得很多政治信息，从各种途径。
2. 价值观：公民教育＋批判性思维：孩子们更关注社会发展.

建议多看几道托福的题目，训练一下想分论点的能力。

ps: 你是不是考完gre/gmat。。。这么多长句

楼主及各位同道：昨天练习了第一篇独立写作，写作太慢，用来差不多50分钟才写出下面的材料来。具体的问题也请大虾们指点！ Topic: 1.        Students today are less interested in politics. It is undoubtedly that politics has always been the core of human society not only for those directly engaged politicians, but also everyone in the society because it paves the foundation for all other social-economic sectors. This is especially true for sensitive and unstable period such as the World War, the Cold War as well as mass social movement periods. Knowing this, students in the past were passionate to take part in and discuss political issues, either these hot news happening on the other side of the world, or voting campaign in their student union. ［第一段都结束了，竟然还没有提到你的总观点。。。。 知道第一段的作用么？最重要的作用就是提出自己的总观点的啊。其他的神马都是浮云～～～～～～～～ ］ However, with the elapse of time, the general interests of students today are seemingly different. To some extent, a considerable proportion of them even clearly state their reluctance to be engaged in politics. ［这才是你的总观点吧］Although complicated, it is still essential to find what underlie this trend. ［分段］First, generally peaceful international circumstance has already caused students to have neglected－－［neglected］ the importance of politics (subtheme). Based on studies carried out by a group of prominent historians and sociologists, 5 percent of recorded human history, a very surprisingly small proportion, is devoid of war. Therefore [这两句之间没有明显的逻辑关系吧。] those well-known students’ activities such as May 4th movement in 1919 were actually occurring at times when the entire world was at unstable settings. In today’s world, although regional conflicts including the ceaseless war in the Middle East are reported every day, most of the earth is in a relatively peaceful environment. Countries such as China has--have even enjoyed stable political environment for--due to[for介词，没有“因为”的意思] rapid economic growth for over three decades. For students from these countries, politics inevitably gives way to other relevant issues in their lives such as class grades, personal love, or potential job hunting at most. Furthermore, teachers, an important source to have students cultivate the interest in politics, are more reluctant to bring too much political issues into class discussion (subtheme). While in the past teachers’ performance was not so much judged by student’s performance in exams, teachers currently are facing dramatically greater pressure imposed by the authorities to get students’ scores elevated so that, on the one hand, schools will have increasingly better fame and consequently more parents will send their children to the specific school; on the other hand, teachers themselves will have better chance to get higher salaries. Hence, driven by this realistic goal, teachers would unavoidably try their best to focus on classes themselves without trying other educational strategies including seemingly irrelevant political issue discussions. Last but not the least, the intense stress that students will be encountered with has spared them with little time to care about political topics irrelevant with their lives (subtheme). Nowadays, more educational certificates and higher educational background to help students be more competitive and outstanding with other job applicants have taken up most of students’ time, and therefore in the meantime, have obstructed students to be engaged in politics. (Background) On this background, the majority of students would probably invest precious time into egalitarian fields such as language training, computer knowledge and skill. (Countermeasure) Therefore, considering the dilemma students are facing with about whether to broaden their political sense or enhance technical skills, it is understandable that they choose the latter. (Conclusion) All in all, politics, although as important as is used to be, has gone beyond nowadays students’ top concerns for realistic considerations of all parties engaged.

wujixiaofeng

望老师百忙之中抽空修改，不甚感激。
TPO20 do you agree or disagree with the following statement that successful people try new things and take risks than only do what they already know how to do well.?


There is a general discussion whether people should try fresh things and take high risks in order to being successful? some people hold the idea that doing things they already know is comfortable for the reason that skillful practicing and experience always lead a short path to the success .however, in my point of view, considerable though the advantages that doing familiar things enjoy are, they can not compete with the benefits that making innovations and undertaking risks bring about ,when the importance of creativity and sense of courage  are taken into consideration.

First of all, the commercial situation nowadays are increasingly competitive, never will imitating leads to a successful life. only the behavior of  creating will stand out among so many ordinary people and companies. when we talk about the brand APPLE ,we mainly talk about the sense of innovating in the great company whose main products are electronic products. about 2008 ,the APPLE company publicize it's first Smartphone which is also the first Smartphone in the world .in the near next few years ,this company become the biggest company world wide in the field of producing telephone. it is the innovation that cause the APPLE company win the war in competing with other factories .there are  many companies being prosperous through innovation when we look back the history of business.

what's more, the sense of courage is a indispensable characteristic for a outstanding person .we all know that a successful people always do something usual and much different from the normal thing .but it is hard for us to see the courage behind the usual activity . firstly, innovating is doing something people are not familiar with ,so they have to undertake the unknown risk .secondly, encourage will prevent people from hesitating ,and help people seize the rare opportunity to being successful .that's why the courage is also a important prerequisite to be a successful person .

Although doing something that people already known is comfortable and less time-consuming as they do not have to spend time on coming up new ideas ,but it is also hard for a person to reach success without the creativity and courage.

From what have been discussed above we could safely draw a conclusion that the characters of trying new things and undertaking risk carry weight more than those of doing familiar things.

xacgshw

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-26 21:20
整个语言和句型都还比较不错。也算是有理有据。

写得慢，主要是想太多了。注意，托福不是考察见识和思 ...

感谢楼主悉心指导！

xacgshw

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-26 21:20
整个语言和句型都还比较不错。也算是有理有据。

写得慢，主要是想太多了。注意，托福不是考察见识和思 ...

首段写复杂，您的意思开门见山，简化些吗？另外，长句太多，是不是影响得分？

lavenderws

xacgshw 发表于 2015-4-27 16:11
首段写复杂，您的意思开门见山，简化些吗？另外，长句太多，是不是影响得分？ ...

是的，开门见山最好。
只要长短句结合，就可以。你的长句还在可以接受的范围。

GMAT猎手

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-25 23:01
To determine what－which kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many asp ...

楼主，按照你的指点，我去读了一些素材，但是运用的还不是很自然，请楼主斧正一下。看看我有没有进步。
Do you agree or disagree that parents should make suggestions to the teacher if parents find the method is not right ?

It is not an unusual phenomenon that a host of parents offer suggestions to education institutions if they think it is necessary. However, there is always a discussion on that issue. Many people hold the opinion that parents have rights to participate in educating children with educators. On the other hand, some people point out that parents will distort teaching methods of educators since they are not specialized in educating. Form my point of view, it is a progress if parents can join in the educating process with teachers and can provide suggestions to them if it is possible.

To begin with, we have to admit that parents and teachers all should take the responsibility of teaching children. Nowadays, adolescents face a host of problems which they can not handle it without any help from both teachers and parents. In the campus, young teenagers are overwhelmed by numerous class works. And it is impossible that teacher will recognize all the students that fall behind. Under that circumstance, parents need to suggest teachers to focus on their child and to help their child to make a progress. It is clear that parents should build the connection between students and teachers in that students can get strong support from both sides; otherwise, students will be lost on the way to the success.

Moreover, educators need to strengthen their teaching skills by receiving suggestions from parents. No teacher can ensure the teaching quality of a class, so parents’ feedback is of significance to teachers. There is a tendency that more and more schools choose a variety of ways to receive complains and suggestions from parents: via email, phone call, and even face to face talk. We could not ignore the efforts made by these schools; and this new educating model based on the cooperation between parents and teachers deserves a bright future. Undoubtedly, receiving  suggestions from parents benefits students as well as teaches themselves.

To draw a conclusion, parents and teachers should be allied in the process of teaching students. In their tender age, children can not bear misleading education. Hence, parents’ suggestions to teachers absolutely increase the chance of avoiding that. After all, it is never too careful to address the importance of children’s education.

lavenderws

Yu_0622 发表于 2015-4-26 10:27
这是TPO33的独立写作，辛苦楼主了！！！作文一直卡在20-22上不去了，求指导
Topic:When teacher assign pro ...

你的作文跟三楼的作文题目是一样的。去参考一下那篇文章和我响应给出的词汇。

所有在20分左右的学生的问题都是一样的：
1. 举例偶尔有在跑题。
2. 词汇句型过去简单。词汇不够精准，多样；句型没有变化。
3. 论证过程图简单，用一些模板式的 “数据论证”＝＝》更体现不出你的语言水平。

解决办法：加入具体的素材！多背一些。
关注我的公众微信号：eva-essay 吧。


Topic:When teacher assign projects on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than they are asked to work alone on projects.

Based on various traits of different individuals, there are some people who are more likely to enjoy researching alone, while others prefer to work cooperatively. Nevertheless, when asked about which one enables students to learn knowledge or something else far more effectively, I would answer team works without hesitation for the following reasons.

First and foremost, among the group the students could get answers not only quickly but also vividly and directly via communicating well with each other. There is an opposite voice that students are able to google the information they need, and such a way is more effectively. However, these people confuse the "speed" with the "efficiency". Admittedly, Wikipedia and Google make knowledge readily to obtain. But it is not easy to absorb the valid information if people just browse countless articles and websites. For instance, in an experiment- testing the memory curve, volunteers (Group-A), who were always talking about some special numbers, remember much more numbers than others (Group-B) who remembered the special numbers alone. Besides, according the statistics showed in such a test, the members in Group-A remember numbers more lasting than others. Apparently, working together is more effective because of the "efficiency" based on totally mastering skills or absorbing knowledge.［没啥体现出实际语言能力的地方，更没有支持自己的观点get answers quickly and vividly, directly...］

Collaborative activity is the “secret sauce” that enables teams to come up with innovative new products or creative, buzz-worthy marketing campaigns.  it is because with various background/scopes of knowledge of each one, students can easily get answer from others to their own problems. on the contrary, limited by one's own background/knowledge/perspective, students may have to waste a long time before analysing problem from the whole picture. students are too restricted by their own knowledge/experience to analyse problem from the whole picture, which collective activities can easily avoid.


Moreover, if it were not for the supervising among the team＝＝升级一些句型：were it not for 虚拟语气的省略倒桩, there would not be excellent academic performance finished before the deadline. An illustrating example is my experience. Luckily, I have chosen－－chose［时态，过去时］ the way of team work to accomplish one assignment concerning the model of Landscape Architecture in my campus' life. We shared ideas together; we drawn sketch together; we calculated together; we finished work perfectly. Whereas, some of my classmates insisted that they could make model by themselves before the deadline. Without a doubt, the majority of them were not able to hang in even an uncompleted model. Personally, seldom does a student work effectively without a group.

本段例子跑题。分论点是写：有了团队的监督，学生的学习成绩就会变好。但是你的文段中并没有体现。
［when people are banded together and have a leader surpervising them, they will have to devote all of themselves to their projects instead of occasinally getting slack. ］


To sum up, from the deep analysis above, it can be safely concluded that working together is more effective than working alone considering inborn laziness and knowledge-absorbing capability of students.