免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

lavenderws

Haibara_Cheung 发表于 2015-6-29 10:09
马上考试了，作文写的还是不行，麻烦楼主指教一下我的作文，谢谢楼主

题目：Do you agree or disagree wit ...

总的来说，词汇和句型太过简单了。例子的叙事的模式也很一致，导致表达也很重复。
所以要写得更具体一些，多加具体的内容，才能出现词汇句型的变化。
语法问题：句子一写长，就容易出现 双谓语的错误！

建议：1. 多积累地道的素材；2. 进行句型的训练，尤其是长句的训练。

还需要指导，可以加我的公众微信号：evaessay

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are.

正文：First and foremost, the advertisements in educational are always speaker louder than products. When I preparing for the toefl test, I can easily find the e-mail in my e-mail box with the title attend－－attending  our class you can get more than one hundred grades in toefl test. Nobody can gain a high score in any exams without their diligence and intelligence.[倒装不错] Without strive working- by oneself--devoting themselves, any famous teacher or any famous class can help you pass the exams. One of my friends reply the email to get a high score in GMAT. Telling him what they have told is the answer to the exam.--?? Finally my friend got a low grades because of trust--blindly trusting advertisements and didn't prepare for the exam.

Furthermore, the advertisements in medical are always making products seem--［双谓语］删去 much more better than reality. Many medical products that are used for cold saying that people will immediately get out of the cold after having their medicals. Besides, you can easily find some medical products saying that after drinking--taking a dozen of these, you will look more younger and more healthier. But once I got a cold, my mother fed me so many different kind of medical after that I was still badly cold.--用词重复that i still suffered.

Last but not least, the advertisements in the traveling sometimes cheat people. When opening the websites you can get access to－are bombarded with various traveling advertisements that offer you a really low price with a high quality trip. A ticket from the China to Thailand may cost for two hundreds dollars, but the travel agency promise to offer you a wonderful five days trip only which only cost[双谓语啊] two hundreds dollars. If you join the trip, the tour guide will bring to variety of shops and ask you to buy a lot of expensive gifts. On contrast to--contrary to the advertisement, you may pay for the money and use you vacation only to exchange a angry trip.--－－what you pay for is just an angry trip. [句型太过于简单]

slave918

Jobis very important for every individual, since that's where people can achievetheir goals, values, or dreams. Some people contend that if they have theopportunity to get a secure job, they should take it rather than wait for a jobthat would be more satisfying; others disagree. In myview, grasping the chance of a secure job is a more wise decision.
The main reason is that waiting for anotherjob which is more satisfying has a lot of risks. If people wait too long, theymay lose their secure job, which they can get easily. Also, a more satisfyingjob is often more difficult to get. For example, when Iwas in the university, I planned to applyfor someinternships in the summer vacation toget more experience. I applied two companies, one is an accounting firm andanother one is an investment bank. Of course, I was more eager to get into theinvestment bank. The job here was more challenging and I could get more salaryand knowledges. However, I just got the offer from the accounting firm firstand I needed to reply it in a week. Finally, I choose to wait. Sadly, I missedthe deadline of the offer from the accounting firm and I also didn't get theoffer from the investment bank. That experience taught me that it is better tograsp the opportunity of getting a secure job.
The second reason is that individuals canget a more satisfying job latter. Getting a secure job doesn't meanpeople need to do that job for their whole life. They can learn more specialknowledges and train their skills to increase the chances of getting a moresatisfying job latter. For instance, 5 years ago my brother, Jack, graduated.He majored in Finance and he quickly got an offerfrom a national bank. However, actually, he wanted a job in a foreignbank, since he was so interested about meeting foreigners and internationalfinancial news. Afterwards, he chose the national bank anyway. However,after he came home after work, he was so diligent. He went to his room,practicing his English reading and speaking skills. He also got the certificateof CFA. Finally, after 3 years, he changed his job to a foreign bank. Heaccomplished his goal at the end and he was so even more satisfied about hiscurrent job than before. That's why I think people should take the opportunityto get a secure job.
Thus, people should grasp the opportunityof a secure job, but not wait for a more satisfying job. Taking the secure job not onlyguarantees people there are norisk, but also give the people the opportunities tofind a better job latter. Individuals shouldtake the opportunity of a secure job.
十分感谢您

ihqdo

楼主你好，我是第一次考托，这是我的处女作文，希望能得到指点，让我了解一下我的作文在什么水平，谢谢！

独立写作题目：
some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students.Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.
作文：
An argument is always there that whether University students should be required to attend classes. Gladly, I support the idea that the University students should have the optional of attending classes. Follows I will present my reasons.
The first reason is that, University students are expected to have the ability to arrange their time efficiently and self control, hence they should have the freedom to choose which class is worthy to join. On the other hand, each student owns his unique personality, lifestyle and,  of course, studying type which are so different from others. So no reason all students would prefer the same classes.
In addition, this allowance either represents the school’s respect and confident to the students, encouraging them to perform better in the classes or serves the students to expense time more efficiently. Due to flexible they arrange the class and time, the students are able to obtain a better agenda. For instance, if one has a precious interview opportunity in a Monday morning clash with a history class, what could he do if he has to take part in his classes? By contrast, under the provision enable he to make a choice, the student may finish the interview first and attend a similar class later.
In conclusion, providing students the right and freedom to establish specialized class schedule will be a good idea. Not only can it encourage students to achieve better performance, but also can it make good usage of time.
再次感谢楼主！

lavenderws

slave918 发表于 2015-6-30 15:48
Jobis very important for every individual, since that's where people can achievetheir goals, values, ...

问题：句子太简单了。全是  i did sth. 没有用到体现对英文复杂句式的掌握。
词汇－重复过多！
内容也很简单。没有找到好写的内容。

还需要好好学习一下。

我建议你加入我的写作团。跟着学吧。
公众微信号：evaessay

加油！

Jobis very important for every individual, since that's where people can achievetheir goals, values, or dreams. Some people contend that if they have theopportunity to get a secure job, they should take it rather than wait for a jobthat would be more satisfying－－a satisfying one; others disagree. In myview, grasping the chance of a secure job is a more wise decision. The main reason is that waiting for anotherjob which is more satisfying has a lot of risks. If people wait too long, they may lose their secure job, which they can get easily. Also, a more satisfyingjob is often more difficult to get-----[内容句型太过简单] the truth is that the long waiting will cost people the chances to get what would be a good job but leave them just the broken illusion about a seemingly desirable one in the far future. For example, when I was in the university, I planned to apply for some internships in the summer vacation to get more experience. I applied two companies, one is an accounting firm and another one is an investment bank. Of course, I was more eager to get into theinvestment bank--the latter one［内容重复太多］. The job here was more challenging and I could get more salaryand knowledges－－句型升级：challenging as it was, the knowledge i can get was immeasurable. However, I just got the offer from the accounting firm first and I needed to reply it in a week. Finally, I choose to wait. Sadly, I missedthe deadline of the offer from the accounting firm and I also didn't get theoffer from the investment bank［however, things never happens as people wishes. i just got offer from accounting firm which gave me a week to reply. stuck by such dlilemma, i foolly chose to wait patiently, finally abandoned by both work ］. That experience taught me that it is better tograsp the opportunity of getting a secure job. The second reason is that individuals canget a more satisfying job latter. Getting a secure job doesn't meanpeople need to do that job for their whole life. They can learn more specialknowledges and train their skills to increase the chances of getting a moresatisfying job latter. For instance, 5 years ago my brother, Jack, graduated.He majored inFinance and he quickly got an offerfrom a national bank. However, actually, he wanted a job in a foreignbank, since he was so interested about meeting foreigners and internationalfinancial news. Afterwards, he chose the national bank anyway. However,after he came home after work, he was so diligent. He went to his room,practicing his English reading and speaking skills. He also got the certificateof CFA. Finally, after 3 years, he changed his job to a foreign bank. Heaccomplished his goal at the end and he was so even more satisfied about hiscurrent job than before. That's why I think people should take the opportunityto get a secure job. Thus, people should grasp the opportunityof a secure job, but not wait for a more satisfying job. Taking the secure job not onlyguarantees people there are norisk, but also give the people the opportunities tofind a better job latter.Individuals shouldtake the opportunity of a secure job.

slave918

lavenderws 发表于 2015-7-1 12:13
问题：句子太简单了。全是  i did sth. 没有用到体现对英文复杂句式的掌握。
词汇－重复过多！
内容也 ...

Thanks so much

lavenderws

ihqdo 发表于 2015-6-30 23:53
楼主你好，我是第一次考托，这是我的处女作文，希望能得到指点，让我了解一下我的作文在什么水平，谢谢！

...

首先字数不够。一定要300字以上才可以。
其次就是一些小的语法问题，比如出现双谓语；

整体来看，语言还是比较流畅的［句式变化也比较连贯，多样］。结构也比较清晰。

多加一些具体的内容。充实一点。





独立写作题目：
some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students.Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.
作文：
An argument is always there that［删去］ whether University students should be required to attend classes. Gladly, I support the idea that the University students should have the optional－option of attending classes. Follows I will present my reasons.

The first reason is that, University students are expected to have the ability to arrange their time efficiently and self control, hence－－不是连词，改成so  they should have the freedom to choose which class is worthy to join. On the other hand, each student owns his unique personality, lifestyle and,  of course, studying type which are so different from others. So no reason all students would prefer the same classes.

In addition, this allowance either represents the school’s respect and confident to the students, encouraging them to perform better in the classes or serves the students to expense time more efficiently. Due to flexible they arrange the class and time[这句话什么意思？], the students are able to obtain a better agenda. For instance, if one has a precious interview opportunity in a Monday morning clashing[双谓语] with a history class, what could he do if he has to take part in his classes? By contrast, under the provision enable－enabling[介词后] he－him to make a choice, the student may finish the interview first and attend a similar class later.

In conclusion, providing students the right and freedom to establish specialized class schedule will be a good idea. Not only can it encourage students to achieve better performance, but also can it make good usage of time.

再次感谢楼主！

ihqdo

lavenderws 发表于 2015-7-2 15:14
首先字数不够。一定要300字以上才可以。
其次就是一些小的语法问题，比如出现双谓语；

非常感谢！我又重新写了一下。
请问你觉得这样的作文大概是多少分的水平呢？

In rencent years, a controversy that whetheruniversity students should have the option to attend class or not has beentalking more and more often. Honestly to say, I will vote for the latter ideathat the university students should have the freedom to decide which classesthey will join. For when I was in college, I did it so. I chose to attend only partof the curriculum depending on the teacher’s style, my interest and the progressI followed. Why did I do this? I will explain my reasons as follows.

A primary reason is that university students are believed self-control and are capable of making fair decision. These elites  have studied very hard in the high school and finallyachieved the goal to enter a university, so they should know how precious theopportunity it is to learn more in university. University’s library provides abundantbooks, the professors are knowledgeable, and the classmates are so brilliant. Allof these serve the students a perfect circumstance to pursuit higher knowledgelevel. Therefore, as these self-control people are now in a wonderful placethey struggled to enter in, they can make a fine chose. Also, permitting students toselect classes presents the school’s respect and confident with theseindividuals, which encourages them to perform better.

You may ask if these students are eager to fullyuse all the facilities of the university, why do they need to quit some classes?Why don’t they attend all the classes? Another reason follows. Students needuse time efficiency and flexible class attending provide this possibility.Nowadays university students engaged in various activities, besides curriculum,such as social events, charity programes and interviews. It is very probably onehas two or three activities   to take part at same time, clashing with class.In another hand, lectures in university usually repeat in routines, which  allowthe student to take them in another more proper time. Under condition like this,a flexible class attending principle solves the dilemma of the students. Inaddition, each student is so different from others, prohibiting his interest,study style and rate of progress. Everyone deserves a specific/exclusive schedule.

So to sum up, providing students the freedom tochoose classes enhances the students’ performance and supplies an possibilityto spend time more efficiency. To tell the truth, even I dropped a few coursesin my college; I gained both a better score and a better intern position in a famouscompany than most of my classmates who joined all the classes.  

lavenderws

ihqdo 发表于 2015-7-4 17:03
非常感谢！我又重新写了一下。
请问你觉得这样的作文大概是多少分的水平呢？

看到标记的词汇，句型太重复了。
最好能多找几个不同话题的作文写写。这个题目比较简单。

欢迎加入我的托福写作团。每天每月考试的机井，分成不同话题，给词汇素材，布置写作任务。

公众微信号：evaessay.

In rencent years, a controversy that whetheruniversity students should have the option to attend class or not has been talking more and more often. Honestly to say, I will vote for the latter ideathat the university students should have the freedom to decide which classesthey will join. For when I was in college, I did it so. I chose to attend only partof the curriculum depending on the teacher’s style, my interest and the progressI followed. Why did I do this? I will explain my reasons as follows.

A primary reason is that university students are believed self-control and are capable of making fair decision. These elites  have studied very hard in the high school and finallyachieved the goal to enter a university, so they should know how precious theopportunity it is to learn more in university. University’s library provides abundantbooks, the professors are knowledgeable, and the classmates are so brilliant. Allof these serve the students a perfect circumstance to pursuit higher knowledgelevel. Therefore, as these self-control people are now in a wonderful placethey struggled to enter in, they can make a fine chose. Also, permitting students toselect classes presents the school’s respect and confident with theseindividuals, which encourages them to perform better.

You may ask if these students are eager to fullyuse all the facilities of the university, why do they need to quit some classes?Why don’t they attend all the classes? Another reason follows. Students needuse time efficiency and flexible class attending provide this possibility.Nowadays university students engaged in various activities, besides curriculum,such as social events, charity programes and interviews. It is very probably onehas two or three activities   to take part at same time, clashing with class.In another hand, lectures in university usually repeat in routines, which  allowthe student to take them in another more proper time. Under condition like this,a flexible class attending principle solves the dilemma of the students. Inaddition, each student is so different from others, prohibiting his interest,study style and rate of progress. Everyone deserves a specific/exclusive schedule.

So to sum up, providing students the freedom tochoose classes enhances the students’ performance and supplies an possibilityto spend time more efficiency. To tell the truth, even I dropped a few coursesin my college; I gained both a better score and a better intern position in a famouscompany than most of my classmates who joined all the classes.

lavenderws

ihqdo 发表于 2015-7-4 17:03
非常感谢！我又重新写了一下。
请问你觉得这样的作文大概是多少分的水平呢？

分数22分左右

ihqdo

lavenderws 发表于 2015-7-4 22:03
分数22分左右

你好老师，已经收听了公众号并且参团了。希望能把作文提高到28分