免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

GMAT猎手

楼主，我积累了一段时间，之前我写的两篇文章的确很烂，过了一个月，你看我有进步没，谢谢斧正！
题目：People should never be satisfied with what they have, they should always want something new or? something different Do you agree or disagree with the statement. Give reasons for your choice.
正文：
It’s a miracle that our nation has been so modernized. Despite the progress we have made in economics, politics and culture, people in the great country will never be satisfied with that. From my point of view, this kind of spirit will motivate people in the whole society to pursuit another success in the near future. Hence, I do believe that people should never be satisfied with what they have owned.
It is a kind of nature for human to chase new things. Imagine the life of our ancestors: at the very beginning of the human history, people hunt animals and gather wild fruit for a living. Under that condition, satisfying appetite is the first priority. However, as we human beings evolve, people never be satisfied with just food, they search clothes for covering, build houses for protection, and develop vehicles for migration. Thanks for our ancestors’ demands or new things; without their efforts to discover different things generation by generation, we may have been extinct.
Further, pursuing new things is a motivator in the development of a society. As we all know that new technologies change our daily life dramatically. The invention of personal computer, cell phone and the World Wide Web are, essentially, influential in the modern society. Nevertheless, before these new inventions have been invented, we have no idea about their impacts. Apparently, the spirit of pursuing new things plays a crucial role not only in the evaluation of human beings but also in the development of society.
Last but not the least, to satisfy with what we have means to make a compromise with current situation, leading to a failure eventually. As a young man, undoubtedly, I always face a dilemma to make a choice between satisfying the current situation and taking one more step in competition. It is often the case that whenever I chose to satisfy, I will lose my chance to fulfill my potential, causing my failure in a competition. After all, other competitors will never be satisfied with their behavior and they will chase the success with tooth and nail.
In reality, we should never give any excuse to satisfying what we have. The spirit of pursuing new things is a footstone in the process of human evaluation. More importantly, this spirit will encourage us human beings to achieve a new success.

lavenderws

GMAT猎手 发表于 2015-5-22 17:05
楼主，我积累了一段时间，之前我写的两篇文章的确很烂，过了一个月，你看我有进步没，谢谢斧正！
题目：Peo ...

写得很流畅。不错。

就是跑题了。。。。 题目是 should; 应不应该。而不是人类是否是这样的。。。。

语言质量，逻辑（按你自己的观点来看）有了很大提升。

加油！

GMAT猎手

lavenderws 发表于 2015-5-25 14:57
写得很流畅。不错。

就是跑题了。。。。 题目是 should; 应不应该。而不是人类是否是这样的。。。。

谢谢！我继续努力。

lavenderws

最近要考试的同学比较少哦～～ 来改作文的都比较少～～  希望这个帖子不要沉了哦

shaoqiu

我的写作很糟糕，两个月后考试，但刚刚才开始练作文，没有什么头绪，请多多指教哇，不甚感激！
Are the parents the best teacher?
Parents play different roles to their children, as friends, partners, monitors and teachers. Although we have professional teachers in school who teach us knowledge. In my opinion, parents are our best teacher in our lives who teach us much more than knowledge in the text book.
Parents teach us how to love. Nothing can be more important than love in the world. No doubt, their love is selfless and everlasting. Parents are great love giver and never ask for rewards. Such kind of love is the first love we get in the world. We feel the love firstly and then learn how to love the others. We even learn the way of expressing love from our parents, as a result, we often show our love to others by the same way of our parents. Parents pass their love to us and we pass it down.
Parents are the most patient teacher to their children. They never give up teaching us. A lot of miracles are made by parents persistent teaching while many children were diagnosed as hopeless diseases, doctors say there is no way to help them, however the parents never give up to heal their children, they teach their children how to do recovery exercises, they teach their disabled children how to stand and walk. Those kinds of teaching can be only fulfilled by parents.
Last but not the least, parents always give us the best advices. Why? You may argue that I can get advice from friend or teacher. Why the parents’ advices are the best? Since they’re the most people who familiar with us, they know exactly who we are, our advantages and disadvantages. They give our advices based on our standing. As a result, their advices are the most matching one to our characteristics.
Compared with others, they are the most committed, most patiently, and most caring teacher for us. I can feel the love from them while they teach me. I love my parents and appreciate their teaching.  They are my best teacher forever.

lavenderws

shaoqiu 发表于 2015-6-19 10:37
我的写作很糟糕，两个月后考试，但刚刚才开始练作文，没有什么头绪，请多多指教哇，不甚感激！
Are  ...

其实英文中等。不算太差。思路也比较清晰。就是中式英文比较严重。

语法：1. 中式逗号连接的短句太多。
          2. 不会使用英文的长难句。稍微复杂的句子就会用错(比较句)

内容：1. 有些跑题。父母是最好的老师。 要证明“最好”，要比较。
          2. 内容太简单。导致词汇句型也很简单。


提升方式：1. 要去学一下，了解如何 解，论证展开 托福题目。2. 提升语法。尤其是特殊句式。3. 输入内容和素材。

也可以加我的公众微信，evaessay，参加我的托福写作团。
加油！



Are the parents the best teacher?

Parents play different roles to-in  their children, as friends, partners, monitors and teachers. Although we have professional teachers in school who teach us knowledge.--逗号 In my opinion, parents are our best teacher in our lives who teach us much more than knowledge in the text book［语法－比较对象(parents & knowledge)不一致。］.

Parents teach us how to love.［这一点不能支撑“父母是最好的老师”。没有体现“最好”］ Nothing can be more important than love in the world. No doubt, their love is selfless and everlasting. Parents are great love giver and never ask for rewards. Such kind of love is the first love we get in the world. We feel the love firstly and then learn how to love the others. We even learn the way of expressing love from our parents, [句号]as a result, we often show our love to others by the same way of our parents. Parents pass their love to us and we pass it down.

Parents are the most patient teacher to their children. They never give up teaching us. A lot of miracles are made by parents persistent teaching while many children were－was diagnosed as hopeless diseases, doctors say there is no way to help them［医生 跟 老师，没有关系吧］, however the parents never give up to heal their children, they teach their children how to do recovery exercises, they teach their disabled children how to stand and walk. [这一大长 逗号 连接的句子哦。明显是中式表达！] Those kinds of teaching can be only fulfilled by parents.

Last but not the least, parents always give us the best advices. Why? You may argue that I can get advice from friend or teacher. Why the parents’ advices are the best? Since they’re the most people who familiar with us, they know exactly who we are, our advantages and disadvantages. They give our advices based on our standing. As a result, their advices are the most matching one to our characteristics.

Compared with others, they are the most committed, most patiently, and most caring teacher for us. I can feel the love from them while they teach me. I love my parents and appreciate their teaching.  They are my best teacher forever.

leegobfsu

托福作文实在头疼，感觉都只会用简单词汇，写的也慢，求批！thanks a lot!
题目： It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends.
In my contention, making new friends plays the same pivotal roles as maintaing the relationship of old friends.

Admittedly, old friends belong to a part of beautiful memory and the relationship between old friends are thought to be more firm and reliable. It is no wonder that whenever someone need to ask for help when encountering a difficulty or dilemma, the first mind jumping out is to find your old friends, because people tend to trust familiar person and are embarrassed to call trouble to friends they acquainted with just now. However, it cannot be denied that, in some occasions, it is the new friend who provides with some indispensable experiences in your life, which your old friends is unlikely to offer.

To begin with, new friends are solid support and warm caregivers when you are away from the place you are familiar with. Undoubtedly, the majority of us will have some opportunities to leave where you have grown up, the place where your old friends live and, in the totally unfamiliar environment, you may feel lonely and helpless. Without your new friends, you would have to have dinner alone and go shopping alone without any invitation to a party. This experiences will exert detrimental influence upon the metal health. I still remember I went to Portland as an exchange student alone two years ago. With no familiar friends accompanying me, I felt terribly lonely and my heart was as cold as the bitter wind there. More frustrating, not all people in Portland are proficient in speaking English, the only foreign language I can speak, so each time I went out to have meal, I could only pick those restaurants with English speaking services. At that moment, I was unable to ask help for my old friends because they were unable to solve any problem I face except worrying about me. However, one months later, I made some friends there and since then the life began to be better. We could hang out with each other. Since one of my friends was multilingual, I was not worried that I could not find a restaurant I could communicate with waiters and I even learned some pieces of France and Germany. In my helpless moment, it was my new friends in Portland who offer me the warmest welcome and help abroad. Without them, my exchange experience in Portland would be a nightmare to me instead of the beautiful and sweet memory.

Making new friends is a gateway to promote socialization skills and have a better understanding of culture. Apparently, the topics of chatting or discussion between old friends are more casual and people are more comfortable when they hang out with their old friends. However, as the more common topics accumulate, the subjects tend to be gossips and other trivial things. New friends, on the contrary, have different backgrounds and may even from other countries. The discussion between new friends concentrate on the differences between several culture, which can expand your outlook. Just as how vital part the sense of fresh plays in the relationship of love, so the sense is indispensable component of friendship. The semiannual exchange life I spent in Portland has, aside from leaving me unforgettable impression of Portland, triggered my interest in colorful culture  through new friends oversea.

In conclusion, although old friends are vehicle for beautiful memory before, new friends can bring you to enjoy a wider world; and thus they are both the sanctuary in your life.

shaoqiu

lavenderws 发表于 2015-6-21 12:13
其实英文中等。不算太差。思路也比较清晰。就是中式英文比较严重。

语法：1. 中式逗号连接的短句太多 ...

十分感谢，点评一语中的，已加微信，继续学习。

lavenderws

leegobfsu 发表于 2015-6-25 20:02
托福作文实在头疼，感觉都只会用简单词汇，写的也慢，求批！thanks a lot!
题目： It is more important to ...

整个文章除了语法问题：代词指代要一致；其他都还好。看出是学过的

但是分数在3～4 分；fair 这个等级的

因为内容太罗嗦了－－简洁一些。［看我怎么给你改的］

句式变化太少了，很中式。英文的大树句比较少。

句式变化：倒装；强调；虚拟；省略－－－ 一定要出现！！

如果还有需要，可以加我的公众微信 evaessay


It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends.

In my contention, making new friends plays the same pivotal roles as maintaing the relationship of old friends.

Admittedly, old friends belong to a part of beautiful memory and the relationship between old friends are thought to be more firm-firmer and reliable. It is no wonder that whenever someone need to ask for help when encountering a difficulty or dilemma, the first mind jumping out is to find your old friends, because people tend to trust familiar person and are embarrassed to call trouble to friends they acquainted with just now. However, it cannot be denied that, in some occasions, it is the new friend who provides with some indispensable experiences in  life, which your old friends is unlikely to offer.

[整个you 都应该改为 we ]
To begin with, new friends are solid support and warm caregivers when you are away from the place you are familiar with. Undoubtedly, the majority of us will have some opportunities to leave where you have grown up, the place where your old friends live and, in the totally unfamiliar environment, you may feel lonely and helpless. Without your new friends, you would have to have dinner alone and go shopping alone without any invitation to a party. This experiences will exert a detrimental influence upon the metal health. ［删去，后面并没有支撑这个观点。］I still remember I went to Portland as an exchange student alone two years ago. With no familiar friends accompanying me, I felt terribly lonely[用词重复] and my heart was as cold as the bitter wind there. More frustrating, not all people in Portland are proficient in speaking English, the only foreign language I can speak, so each time I went out to have meal, I could only pick those restaurants with English speaking services. At that moment, I was unable to ask help for my old friends because they were unable to solve any problem I face except worrying about me.［cleary olds friends are too far away to lend my any help。注意句型的多变＋简洁一点；不用总是解释太多。］ However, one months later, I made some friends there and since then the life began to be better. We could hang out with each other. Since one of my friends was multilingual ［things bagan to change after i had acquiantence with several multilignual friends ］, I was not worried that I could not find a restaurant I could communicate with waiters and I even learned some pieces of France and Germany. In my helpless moment, it was my new friends in Portland who offer me the warmest welcome and help abroad. Without them, my exchange experience in Portland would be a nightmare to me instead of the beautiful and sweet memory.

Making new friends is a gateway to promote socialization skills and have a better understanding of culture. Apparently, the topics of chatting or discussion between old friends are more casual and people are more comfortable when they hang out with their old friends. However, as the more common topics accumulate, the subjects tend to be gossips and other trivial things. New friends, on the contrary, have different backgrounds and may even ［comes］from other countries. The discussion between new friends concentrate on the differences between several culture, which can expand your outlook. Just as how vital part the sense of fresh plays in the relationship of love, so the sense is indispensable component of friendship. The semiannual exchange life I spent in Portland has, aside from leaving me unforgettable impression of Portland, triggered my interest in colorful culture  through new friends oversea.

In conclusion, although old friends are vehicle for beautiful memory before, new friends can bring you to enjoy a wider world; and thus they are both the sanctuary in your life.

Haibara_Cheung

马上考试了，作文写的还是不行，麻烦楼主指教一下我的作文，谢谢楼主

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are.

正文：First and foremost, the advertisements in educational are always speaker louder than products. When I preparing for the toefl test, I can easily find the e-mail in my e-mail box with the title attend our class you can get more than one hundred grades in toefl test. Nobody can gain a high score in any exams without their diligence and intelligence. Without strive working by oneself, any famous teacher or any famous class can help you pass the exams. One of my friends reply the email to get a high score in GMAT. Telling him what they have told is the answer to the exam. Finally my friend got a low grades because of trust advertisements and didn't prepare for the exam.

Furthermore, the advertisements in medical are always make products seem much more better than reality. Many medical products that used for cold saying that people will immediately get out of the cold after having their medicals. Besides, you can easily find some medical products saying that after drinking a dozen of these, you will look more younger and more healthier. But once I got a cold, my mother fed me so many different kind of medical after that I was still badly cold.

Last but not least, the advertisements in the traveling sometimes cheat people. When opening the websites you can get access to the traveling advertisements that offer you a really low price with a high quality trip. A ticket from the China to Thailand may cost for two hundreds dollars, but the travel agency promise to offer you a wonderful five days trip only cost two hundreds dollars. If you join the trip, the tour guide will bring to variety of shops and ask you to buy a lot of expensive gifts. On contrast to the advertisement, you may pay for the money and use you vacation only to exchange a angry trip.