免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

Yu_0622

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-28 00:31
你的作文跟三楼的作文题目是一样的。去参考一下那篇文章和我响应给出的词汇。

所有在20分左右的学生的 ...

谢谢楼主！！会根据意见作调整的！

ayoway

楼上很好。。

lavenderws

GMAT猎手 发表于 2015-4-27 16:34
楼主，按照你的指点，我去读了一些素材，但是运用的还不是很自然，请楼主斧正一下。看看我有没有进步。
D ...

红色是有问题的地方；重复的内容比较多。
蓝色是不错的地方 。

分数估计在22分左右。
所有在20分左右的学生的问题都是一样的：
1. 举例偶尔有在跑题。
2. 词汇句型过去简单。词汇不够精准，多样；句型没有变化。
3. 论证过程图简单，用一些模板式的 “论证”＝＝》更体现不出你的语言水平。

总的来说，看了你两篇作文了。在内容－－解题上。 在句型和词汇上，还需要大大的提升！
多背诵，多运用自己学过的，多提升才是王道！

你现在再写，我觉得都是没有太大实际意义。你要学习－输入，再输出，才有提升了。

找个老师深入地学习一下吧。

还有问题，再联系吧



话题：教育；
词汇：interfere with; emotions can run high；
提出建议：proposal, proposition, motion, recommendation; advice, counsel, clue, idea,

响应的素材：
来自：<2 things parents need to know> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anastasia-gavalas/2-things-parents-need-to-grow_b_7153334.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents
In more recent times, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, where parents overcompensated for the lack of emotional support they themselves experienced in their own childhood. This resulted in a generation of children who grew up with an inflated sense of self, lack of responsibility, entitlement and little motivation. It became evident that the movement to provide a child more wings was not the solution. Thankfully, there are a growing number of parents whose perspectives have evolved. Neither of these two parenting extremes meets the needs of the child, or the parent. Those who recognize the importance of blending stability and real faith expand their influence with raising well-balanced, independent children in today's modern world.

好老师的定义：
华盛顿邮报《http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/26/AR2010032602232.html》
Ideally, the Inspired Teaching fellows will go into D.C. classrooms and treat children like the eager, curious and fascinating people they are, rather than like prisoners in an institution. Even if a school has policies that the center's leaders find abhorrent -- such as stoplights (yes, actual traffic lights) in classrooms to govern children's behavior or the deeply loathed "silent lunch" -- graduates of this program are expected to run their classrooms with high standards, respect for children and a zeal to get students excited about learning.



Do you agree or disagree that parents should make suggestions to the teacher if parents find the method is not right ?

It is not an unusual phenomenon that a host of parents offer suggestions to education institutions if they think it is necessary. However, there is always a discussion on that issue. Many people hold the opinion that parents have rights to participate in educating children with educators. On the other hand, some people point out that parents will distort teaching methods of educators since they are not specialized in educating. Form my point of view, it is a progress if parents can join in the educating process with teachers and can provide suggestions to them if it is possible.

固定搭配：provide sth. for sb.
开头段重复太多了！！这个要改。


To begin with, we have to admit that parents and teachers all should take the responsibility of teaching children. Nowadays, adolescents face a host of problems which they can not handle it[语法错误，删去] without any help from both teachers and parents. In the campus, young teenagers are overwhelmed by numerous class works. And it is impossible that teacher will recognize all the students that fall behind. Under that circumstance, parents need to suggest－remind teachers to focus on their child and to help their child to make a progress. It is clear that parents should build the connection between students and teachers in that students can get strong support from both sides; otherwise, students will be lost on the way to the success.

句型还是没有变化：教一个简单的句子：done 1, A do 2. [1& 2的主语保持一致]
sourrounded by dozes of teenagers who inevtiably are stuck in various problmes both academcial and personal, teachers usually feel overwhelmed and even occasionally neglect somes students' misbeheavors, like peaking others' test answer, rudly taking back to young teachers or even picking fight with students.[要写详细的细节啊！]


Moreover, educators need to strengthen their teaching skills by receiving suggestions from parents. No teacher can ensure the teaching quality of a class, so parents’ feedback is of significance to teachers. There is a tendency that more and more schools choose a variety of ways to receive complains and suggestions from parents: via email, phone call, and even face to face talk. We could not ignore the efforts made by these schools; and this new educating model based on the cooperation between parents and teachers deserves a bright future. Undoubtedly, receiving  suggestions from parents benefits students as well as teaches themselves. [这个其实也跟你的论点没有关系。]

对观点的论证＝＝》方式：解释原因；举出具体的例子。
你这一段的例子应该是：从父母那里得到建议是如何提升老师的教学技能的。！！！！！



To draw a conclusion, parents and teachers should be allied in the process of teaching students. In their tender age, children can not bear misleading education. Hence, parents’ suggestions to teachers absolutely increase the chance of avoiding that. After all, it is never too careful to address the importance of children’s education.

gmatgaofen1118

LZ 求助 考了两次写作23了 字数总是上不去，每次最多打400词来不及检查OR 350词可以检查一遍。听说字数越多越有可能得高分，是这样吗？

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology designed to make our life simpler actually makes our life more complicated.
（350 words）


I don’t agree with the opinion that technology designed to make life better actually makes life more complicated. In my opinion, technology plays a pivotal role in modern daily life. Technology is to people what water is to fish, and I cannot imagine what my life will be like without technology. Because of widespread use of technology, our life have become simpler than that of several decades ago.

Several years ago, people had no phones, televisions, computers and or typists, so what people had to do is was writing a letter instead of sending an e-mail, listening to a broadcast instead of watching a colored television, playing games outdoors instead of playing a video game on computer. With the strikly fast rapid development of technology, life has become better and simpler. We cannot deny the convenience brought by the technology: we are able to communicate with workmates by sending an e-mail; to play a video game with friends without stepping out living room with a computer in it; to chat with people from all over the world anytime. Technology enables us to do a lot of things in a so short time and a so simple way that we cannot imagine before.

Elderly people have complicated feelings about technology. My grandfather told me that when he was a boy, there is no public transportation, not to mention a private car. Therefore, few people left hometown and went to another city. It was so inconvenient to get access to a new place. My grandfather did not go to a new city until he was eighteen, at a time when trains were operated in his hometown. My grandfather really appreciate the technology, which makes a difference for his life.

I cannot understand why people think technology makes life even more complicated. Admittedly, some inventions, such as the air conditions which produce hot air so that the temperature becomes higher, have made adverse effects to the environment. However, if we tend to enjoy the technology advantages, we have to withstand the disadvantages. Technology is a double-edged sword, but its merits highly outweigh the downsides.

In conclusion, I believe that technology makes our life more convenient. I even think that life will be better and simpler in the future because of the continuous development of technology.

lavenderws

gmatgaofen1118 发表于 2015-5-1 12:01
LZ 求助 考了两次写作23了 字数总是上不去，每次最多打400词来不及检查OR 350词可以检查一遍。听说字数 ...

LZ 求助 考了两次写作23了 字数总是上不去，每次最多打400词来不及检查OR 350词可以检查一遍。听说字数越多越有可能得高分，是这样吗？ ＝＝＝＝＝》当然是不是这样的啊！！！只要字数300以上，看的都是语言质量啊！！当然有些人，尤其是一些高分考生，英语水平本来不错，对于托福这么简单的题目，想说的话也很多，结果表现为字数多，分数高。但是这不能反推！！ 看完你的作业： 1. 中式思维太严重。搞不清楚论点和论据之间的区别。论证方面一团糊涂。 2. 语言有细节。但是精准的表达较少。比如：在家里工作，远程工作：telecommute. 比你的 we are able to communicate with workmates by sending an e-mail..准确太多。 解决方法： 1. 最好能找个老师学一下，英文的论证。 2. 好好学习英语素材，多背诵地道的表达。 不然你怎么写，都卡在这个水平。输入太少。 我有一个公众微信号：evaessay。会推送考试相关的英文写作素材，你可以关注一下。 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology designed to make our life simpler actually makes our life more complicated. （350 words） I don’t agree with the opinion that technology designed to make life better actually makes life more complicated.［重复原文题目，要不得！！一定要改写！！］ In my opinion, technology plays a pivotal role in modern daily life.［这个绝对不是你的观点！！！不然，你跑题了！！］ Technology is to people what water is to fish, and I cannot imagine what my life will be like without technology. Because of widespread use of technology, our life have become simpler than that of several decades ago.［这个才是正面回答题目。这个才是你的总观点！！］ 开头段，一定转述题目！一定要正面，直接，明了的回答你的观点！！ ［这段竟然没有观点句！］Several years ago, people had no phones, televisions, computers and or typists, so what people had to do is was writing a letter instead of sending an e-mail, listening to a broadcast instead of watching a colored television, playing games outdoors instead of playing a video game on computer［还算有细节，还可以］. With the strikly fast rapid development of technology, life has become better and simpler. We cannot deny the convenience brought by the technology: we are able to communicate with workmates by sending an e-mail［重复－－telecommute］; to play a video game with friends without stepping out living room with a computer in it; to chat with people from all over the world anytime. Technology enables us to do a lot of things in a so short time and a so simple way that we cannot imagine before.[这句才是你的观点句啊！应该放在第一段] Elderly people have complicated［后面的内容并没有对“complicated”进行展开哦。这个体现在哪里的？而且即便是complicated feeling。跟你的总观点的关系是？？］ feelings about technology. My grandfather told me that when he was a boy, there is no public transportation, not to mention a private car. Therefore, few people left hometown and went to another city. It was so inconvenient to get access to a new place. My grandfather did not go to a new city until he was eighteen, at a time when trains were operated in his hometown. My grandfather really appreciate the technology, which makes a difference for his life.［这些内容跟上文的内容差不多重复哦～］ I cannot understand why people think technology makes life even more complicated. Admittedly, some inventions, such as the air conditions which produce hot air so that the temperature becomes higher［啰嗦：which warm us in frozing winter］, have made adverse effects to the environment. [这个才是观点，要展开哦。] However, if we tend to enjoy the technology advantages, we have to withstand the disadvantages. Technology is a double-edged sword, but its merits highly outweigh the downsides. In conclusion, I believe that technology makes our life more convenient. I even think that life will be better and simpler in the future because of the continuous development of technology.

gmatgaofen1118

非常感谢您！！！！我的问题实在是严重
中式思维这个问题自己也发现，因为每次读自己写出的东西和ｔｏｅｆｌ范文完全不是一回事儿。。。。　　
所以中式思维的问题可以通过多背诵地道文章，多积累素材解决；
那么跑题、观点想不出（有时候觉得字数少不仅是因为打字速度慢，想不出论点，或者想出的论点不能用英文有效表达也是重要的原因）这种硬伤问题该怎么解决呢？
ＰＳ．已关注微信号！！非常感谢！！必须推荐给小伙伴！！！

lavenderws

gmatgaofen1118 发表于 2015-5-1 15:42
非常感谢您！！！！我的问题实在是严重
中式思维这个问题自己也发现，因为每次读自己写出的东西和ｔｏｅｆ ...

这个我是推荐你自己找一个老师学一下～  因为这个靠自己去总结经验太慢也太难了～～

gmatgaofen1118

lavenderws 发表于 2015-5-1 15:46
这个我是推荐你自己找一个老师学一下～  因为这个靠自己去总结经验太慢也太难了～～
...

嗷！好的！！

wujixiaofeng

望老师百忙之中抽空修改，不甚感激。
TPO20 do you agree or disagree with the following statement that successful people try new things and take risks than only do what they already know how to do well.?


There is a general discussion whether people should try fresh things and take high risks in order to being successful? some people hold the idea that doing things they already know is comfortable for the reason that skillful practicing and experience always lead a short path to the success .however, in my point of view, considerable though the advantages that doing familiar things enjoy are, they can not compete with the benefits that making innovations and undertaking risks bring about ,when the importance of creativity and sense of courage  are taken into consideration.

First of all, the commercial situation nowadays are increasingly competitive, never will imitating leads to a successful life. only the behavior of  creating will stand out among so many ordinary people and companies. when we talk about the brand APPLE ,we mainly talk about the sense of innovating in the great company whose main products are electronic products. about 2008 ,the APPLE company publicize it's first Smartphone which is also the first Smartphone in the world .in the near next few years ,this company become the biggest company world wide in the field of producing telephone. it is the innovation that cause the APPLE company win the war in competing with other factories .there are  many companies being prosperous through innovation when we look back the history of business.

what's more, the sense of courage is a indispensable characteristic for a outstanding person .we all know that a successful people always do something usual and much different from the normal thing .but it is hard for us to see the courage behind the usual activity . firstly, innovating is doing something people are not familiar with ,so they have to undertake the unknown risk .secondly, encourage will prevent people from hesitating ,and help people seize the rare opportunity to being successful .that's why the courage is also a important prerequisite to be a successful person .

Although doing something that people already known is comfortable and less time-consuming as they do not have to spend time on coming up new ideas ,but it is also hard for a person to reach success without the creativity and courage.

From what have been discussed above we could safely draw a conclusion that the characters of trying new things and undertaking risk carry weight more than those of doing familiar things.

lavenderws

wujixiaofeng 发表于 2015-5-2 16:37
望老师百忙之中抽空修改，不甚感激。
TPO20 do you agree or disagree with the following statement that  ...

五一时期课程太忙了～  
现在才来回复～～

绿色是写得好的地方。
红色是有问题的地方。
从你的作文来看，你的词汇和句型掌握得比较熟练。但是问题是：
你的思路太过发散了，太中式＝太绕了。到后面就愈发跑题了。
这个题目直接写：尝试新事物的好处就可以了［新事物－－》导致 好处1；2；3 ］。不要扯到： 新事物－》需要创新和勇气－》这两个有好处。。。。不等于！新事物的好处啊！！

建议，在托福考试之前把考试机井拿过来，好好地练练解题思路。
关于如何正确解题，你可以专门找老师学一下。不然影响很大。也可以关注我的公众微信号evaessay. 参加写作团～  

加油！



successful people try new things and take risks than only do what they already know how to do well.?


There is a general discussion whether people should try fresh things and take high risks in order to being successful?－句号 some people hold the idea that doing things they already know is comfortable for the reason that－－because 简洁 skillful practicing and experience always lead a short path to the success. however, in my point of view, considerable though the advantages that doing familiar things enjoy are, they can not compete with the benefits that making innovations and undertaking risks bring about ,when the importance of creativity and sense of courage  are taken into consideration.

First of all, the commercial situation nowadays are increasingly competitive, and never will imitating leads to a successful life. only the behavior of creating－bravely exploring the unkown/jumping out the comfort zone will stand out among so many ordinary people and companies. when we talk about the brand APPLE ,we mainly talk about the sense of innovating in the great company whose main products are electronic products. about 2008 ,the APPLE company，originally a personal computer company, surprising publicized it's first Smartphone which is also the first Smartphone in the world . [中间内容写得充实一点：combining computer systerm with cellphones not only guarantee people friendly and easily operation but also revolutionized the whole industry, setting the company back on the top.in the near next few years ,this company become the biggest company world wide in the field of producing telephone. it is the innovation that cause the APPLE company win the war in competing with other factories --强调句，不错 .there are  many companies being prosperous through innovation when we look back the history of business.
注意，不要同义转换你的观点。做新事物，不完全等于，创新。

what's more, the sense of courage is a indispensable characteristic for a outstanding person .we all know that a successful people always do something usual and much different from the normal thing .but it is hard for us to see the courage behind the usual activity . firstly, innovating is doing something people are not familiar with ,so they have to undertake the unknown risk .secondly, encourage will prevent people from hesitating ,and help people seize the rare opportunity to being successful .that's why the courage is also a important prerequisite to be a successful person .[这个完全跑题了。。。。courage跟 做不同的事情之间的关系是什么了？ ]

Although doing something that people already known is comfortable and less time-consuming as they do not have to spend time on coming up new ideas ,but it is also hard for a person to reach success without the creativity and courage.

From what have been discussed above we could safely draw a conclusion that the characters of trying new things and undertaking risk carry weight more than those of doing familiar things.