免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］

lavenderws

这几天的作文应该都改完了～～ 呼～
有遗漏的，大家@我～

shayc

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-21 17:55
思路写得有些乱。
用词不太准确；句型太重复，罗嗦。长句不是说越长越好，还是简洁，明确越好

先谢谢LZ帮忙改啦～～～弱弱的来说下。。。 第三段是我的理由2 因为老师们对孩子的影响很大，老师的话有权威信，所以老师不对的话就会对孩子有不好的影响，所以家长要站出来说。。      第四段的话。。 我之前上课的时候老师讲过一种写法。。 就是为了使自己的观点逻辑更严谨，在主题段第三段会承认自己观点有问题但是不反驳。。。  是不同于先让步再转折驳回来的写法。。。  想问下 这种可不可以用在考试中呢？>0<...再次感谢！！

lavenderws

shayc 发表于 2015-8-21 22:40
先谢谢LZ帮忙改啦～～～弱弱的来说下。。。 第三段是我的理由2 因为老师们对孩子的影响很大，老师的话有 ...

你的第三段的分论点句 不是说 这样做会影响老师跟孩子之间的关系么？例子是用来支撑论点的哦～
不能不反驳哦～ 不然 让步段直接跟总观点相反了。这不是跑题了么。。。 逻辑上说不通哦～

shayc

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-22 08:21
你的第三段的分论点句 不是说 这样做会影响老师跟孩子之间的关系么？例子是用来支撑论点的哦～
不能不反 ...

可能是我表达的问题。。 我想说 父母觉得老师错了说出来可能会造成尴尬，老师就可能不再关注你的孩子了但是我们不能因为在这样就不说因为老师对孩子的影响很大，有时候超过父母，所以我们不说的话孩子受到老师不正确的教育是对孩子有坏处的。所以父母要说出来。。 是让步转折反驳的。。。。  谢谢LZ>0<

lavenderws

shayc 发表于 2015-8-22 08:34
可能是我表达的问题。。 我想说 父母觉得老师错了说出来可能会造成尴尬，老师就可能不再关注你的孩子了但 ...

你这样说。。。。我才看懂你的那一句话。。。。。

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements to teachers can cause embarrassment and make the child not the focus of that teacher, ［主语是什么？］just eliminating adverse influence through parents’ control at home.［不能用doing sth 主语不一致啊。这个用按照中文翻译的］ Actually,［这个反驳的语气太弱了。改成however ］ we all know how great the influence is teachers have on students, sometimes, even greater than their parents.


其次，即便是让步的观点，也需要支撑一下。即便是简单的支撑，也要说一下。
因为，凡是观点，必然论证支撑。

shayc

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-22 14:55
你这样说。。。。我才看懂你的那一句话。。。。。

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements  ...

好的～～ 谢谢LZ>o<~~~~~~~~~~~

fadeday

楼主，辛苦了，麻烦帮忙看一下这篇独立作文。谢谢。
题目是：Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you like to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

然后我用了四十分钟写出了下面这一篇：

With all the aspects taken into consideration, I prefer to live in a small town with other people that provide fresh water and clear air to breathe, less crowed high-storied buildings and factory to live with, and good neighborhood relationship.
As far as the environment is concerned, many advantages existed in a small town. Since I have long suffered from effects of pollutants and wastes in city, the purified water and oxygen-rich air are desperately wanted for all the citizen in the industrial cities nowadays. Moreover, with the high density of population live in the city, the carbon dioxide breath out per person daily in the city raise the temperature by several degrees, not to mention the scoffing summer days. Thus, whenever it comes to a long vacation, people living in the city always thrives to travel to the countryside for the whole vacation even with the higher housing fares and transportation tickets.
In addition, as the business expanded the price of land raised all the time, space gets more and more crowded. Although the city saw the increased many-stories apartments and skyscrapers built, range of vision and sunlight have been narrowed to everyone in the city. Instead, citizen can only see the bunch of factories with chimney rolled with smoke and endless apartment filled up with all the space. It is estimated in one of statistics that people lived in the city are more likely to have mental diseases than people in small towns, such as manic depression.
What’s more important to me is that, compared to the indifferent relationship among people pacing around for their respective living, the harmonious relationship between the neighbors. Citing a Chinese saying that a close neighbor is better than a distant relative, the close neighbor can be a critical friend in some important and urgent things. Conversely, I can always heard about the news that dead corpse is found one month with strong smells came out of room, not to mention one bachelor or the old get sick alone in the apartment in the city.
For what has been discussed above, I can not agree more to live in a small town with all these advantages. All these advantages are important to me to live in an area even I may have no choice to live in the city at mean time.

超级西瓜鸭

感谢楼主的帮助，能否麻烦楼主帮助看一下这篇独立写作呢？非常感谢您！谢谢！
do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

Nowadays it is common for people to suffer from the pressure of endless tasks, rigid working requirement and hustle life pace. To take a vacation from hard work and enjoy the beautiful scenery of some places of attraction could be a fascinating choice. However, whether to join a traveling group led by a tour guide is a problem. As far as I am concerned, arrange the traveling by oneself may be a better choice.

For all tour guides, they belong to a certain company and have specific plan for trips. The attractions to be visited in a city are determined by the company, while some of the places attractive may not include in the company's list. For instance, when a group visits Beijing City, as there are so many places of interest that the Summer Palace, a attraction admiring for some members of the group, is not going to be visited. However, as the tourists have signed contract with the company, nobody could not leave the group to travel by themselves, which is inconvenient for some tourist.

Apart from the attractions, the time schedule of a guide leading group is also limited. Therefore, when the tourists find a place of extreme interests, they are prohibited to spend more time there than planned. Moreover, the time schedule is usually arranged in a hustle pace to include as many attractions as possible. Although some tourists may get tired during the trip, as group members, they could not redress the rest time. Therefore, in the latter portion of the trip, these tourists may experience more tiredness than pleasure.

Last but not least, some tour guides may secretly cooperate with some merchant in the scenic spot. As a result, the tourists may be forced to attend some activities or purchase souvenirs they dislike. Personally, once in a trip to Thailand I encountered such incident, which ruined the whole trip.

Joining a tour group and leaving all the arrangements to the tour guide indeed save time and provide convenience for tourists. However, I reinforce that, traveling by oneself is a better option, as the tour guide will limit the scenic spot, restrict the time schedule and even force tourists into activities they resent.

lavenderws

fadeday 发表于 2015-8-26 23:38
楼主，辛苦了，麻烦帮忙看一下这篇独立作文。谢谢。
题目是：Some people prefer to live in a small town. ...

内容不错。就是语法问题，时态问题／动词，非谓语，问题比较严重。


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楼主，辛苦了，麻烦帮忙看一下这篇独立作文。谢谢。
题目是：Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you like to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

然后我用了四十分钟写出了下面这一篇：

With all the aspects taken into consideration, I prefer to live in a small town with other people that provide fresh water and clear air to breathe－删去, less crowed high-storied buildings and factory to live with, and good neighborhood relationship.

As far as the environment is concerned, many advantages existed－时态 in a small town. Since I have long suffered from effects of pollutants and wastes in city, the purified water and oxygen-rich air are desperately wanted for all the citizen in the industrial cities nowadays. Moreover, with the high density of population live in the city, the carbon dioxide breath out per person daily in the city raise the temperature by several degrees, not to mention the scoffing summer days. Thus, whenever it comes to a long vacation, people living in the city always thrives to??词语用错了吧 travel to the countryside for the whole vacation even with the higher housing fares and transportation tickets.

In addition, as the business expanded the price of land raised all the time？？什么意思？, space gets more and more crowded. Although the city saw the increased many-stories apartments and skyscrapers built, range of vision and sunlight have been narrowed to everyone in the city. Instead,－－逻辑词用错。 citizen can only see the bunch of factories with chimney rolled with smoke and endless apartment filled up with all the space. It is estimated in one of statistics that people lived in the city are more likely to have mental diseases than people in small towns, such as manic depression.

What’s more important to me is that, compared to the indifferent relationship among people pacing around for their respective living, the harmonious relationship between the neighbors. Citing--accoriding to a Chinese saying that a close neighbor is better than a distant relative, the close neighbor can be a critical friend in some important and urgent things. Conversely, I can always heard about the news that dead corpse is found one month with strong smells came－coming非谓语语法 out of room, not to mention one bachelor or the old get sick alone in the apartment in the city.
For what has been discussed above, I can not agree more to live in a small town with all these advantages. All these advantages are important to me to live in an area even I may have no choice to live in the city at mean time.

fadeday

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-27 22:24
内容不错。就是语法问题，时态问题／动词，非谓语，问题比较严重。

非常感谢楼主时间，嗯嗯，我昨晚仔仔细细看了一遍楼主评语，不少语法结构和逻辑错误。那接下来，我会根据楼主的评语，先不限时好好写完一篇文章，包括整体语法修改等。待这些错误越来越少之后，再开始限时练习。谢谢啦。再次为楼主顶一下了~~~