LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！

laneesherry

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊迟交了不要好意思！！！

0817 综合写作 TPO11
（限时，192字）

The passage claim that people read lessliterature today, which will have bad effects and it put out three reasons.However, the professor in the lecture doesn’t agree with it and says that thereasons cannot support the opinion.

Firstly, the professor tells that althoughliterature has many benefits as the passage say, the literature is coming fromreal live, which means that literature does not the only thing that give peopleso many benefits. That reason put out by the passage cannot hold water.

Secondly, the passage point out that peoplewatch more TV and movies and ignored the literature, that is bad for theculture in general. But the professor opposite it, arguing that literature isnot the only thing to reflect people' culture as movies and music have the samefunction nowadays.

Thirdly, the opinion in the passage thatthe future of literature will be affected because of the lack of reader is incorrect,too. The professor in the lecture thinks that it's not the readers but thewriters to be blame. Readers buy less literature because the literature writtenby authors today is difficult for them to understand.

lmt2011

0817 综合写作 TPO11
（限时，192字）


The passage claim(claims) that people read lessliterature today, which will have bad effects and it put(puts) out three reasons(+to support its point 感觉会更自然).However, the professor in the lecture doesn’t agree with it and says that thereasons cannot support the opinion.（However, the professor in the lecture does not agree with the passage and refutes that the reasons are unable to support the opinion. 这样写感觉会更清楚一点哈~）

第一段犯了一些不该犯的小错误哦------单复数的使用，可能是因为限时的原因，下次要注意咯~~

Firstly, the professor tells that althoughliterature has many benefits as the passage say, the literature is coming fromreal live, which means that literature does not the only thing that give peopleso many benefits. That reason put out by the passage cannot hold water.

第二段，可能没有太听清lecture哦，lecture里面有提到说其它类型的书如历史和科学。然后你这里可以用上原文的一些话，比如说列举下具体的benefit，像对想象力提升的帮助，这些原文的话都可以改编下用上的，会更饱满。

Secondly, the passage point（points） out that people watch more TV and movies and ignored the literature, that is bad for theculture in general.（这句话可以试着这么写哈：Secondly, the passage points out tht people spend more time on TV, music and other forms of entertainment rathe than the literature, which has negative influence on the culture in general.） But the professor opposite(opposite不是动词哈, 用opposes) it, arguing that literature isnot the only thing to reflect people' culture as movies and music have the samefunction nowadays.

这段感觉和我听到的内容差不多,还可以再强调下culture在变,不知道你听到这一句没有哈~~ 然后可以适当写点复杂句喔,应该能加分.~

Thirdly,(为了避免觉得是你的观点,这里建议+the speaker thinks that+) the opinion in the passage thatthe future of literature will be affected because of(直接用by把?) the lack of reader is incorrect,too. The professor in the lecture thinks that it's not the readers but thewriters to be blame. Readers buy less literature because the literature writtenby authors today is difficult for them to understand.

这段我俩听的也基本一样~~值得提醒的是要注意判断的语句都要加上是谁做的判断,要不然读者会觉得是你的意思.

summary:
如果时间充裕,可以先不要限时,可以多花点时间练练常用的表达和复杂句,这样能提亮不少. 然后可能听力方面,我觉得如果没有听清文章,尽量多用短文里面的内容来充实,这样字数上面也得的到保障,嘿嘿~~~~ fighting!

laneesherry

lmt2011 发表于 2013-8-18 19:11
0817 综合写作 TPO11
（限时，192字）

非常感谢！
关于文章的内容，因为之前上新东方的时候老师说绝对要避免直接使用文中和听力的句子，所以每次写的时候都超级纠结。
这次确实是时间上没有安排好，第一个观点那里当时看原文的时候没看太懂，结果听lecture受到了影响，写第一点的时候整理信息用了快十分钟，其他部分打字超级赶工，最后三秒钟的时候才打完“understand”这个单词，然后半秒钟写完句号有惊无险。。。

现在有些其他事，我稍后会去改你的作文

laneesherry

Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient
teaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?
(37min, 387字。稍微借鉴了一下各位大神的作文和tpo11综合写作部分的结构模板，这次写的时候感觉顺了好多。继续努力~)

Nowadays, the way of collectinginformation about the teaching performance of teachers has aroused people'sgreat concern. Some people may think that collecting the information from otherteachers is a good choice. However, in my opinion, it's better to collect theinformation from students, which has great benefits for students themselves,for teachers and for school.

To begin with, the quality ofclass would increase. Teachers would perform well in the class if they knewthat it's students they taught who considered the quantity of their salary. Itis not an unusual phenomenon that teachers shout at their students or cram thestudents for the little mistakes they made in the class. If students had suchrights, the bad teachers would performance well and are more patient to thestudents who made mistakes, which could found a good environment for studentsto study in and they could benefit a lot.

Secondly, theteachers could improve themselves during the time. Students are the people whostay the longest time with teachers. According to a survey conducted by a groupof professors from a university in Europe, teachers spent about 76% of theirworking life time with their students. The result means that it's the studentswho know the most about their teacher and they could point out plenty ofmistakes of their teachers making in the class, which could help the teachersto improve themselves and have a better performance next time.

Last but notthe least, the evaluation in the school would be more equality. Some people maygive others a high score in order to get a high score for themselves when theschool collect the information about a teacher form his/her co-workers. My neighbor,Miss Wang, was such a kind of teacher. The school she worked in use theevaluating system that collecting information from other teachers. She was notgood at teaching actually, but she always got a high mark on her teachingperformance by using that way. This phenomenon can be totally avoided if theschools asked students for the information about their teacher, which can helpthe school to build a greater evaluating system.

In a nutshell,as evaluation by students has so many benefits, it's advisable for school touse this way to consider whether the teacher perform well at work.

FrancisEvens

赶作业很辛苦吧~~

Nowadays, the way of collecting information about the（the删去比较好 ） teaching performance of teachers has aroused people's great concern.（用两个of词组感觉不太顺） Some people may think that collecting the（the删去比较好 ） information from other teachers is a good choice. However, in my opinion,（是不是把however放在中间更顺一些） it's（书面语中不要用缩写哦，it is) better to collect the information from students, which has great benefits for students themselves,for teachers and for school. (which 不能用来指代一整句话，所以这里如果想指代to collect the information from students,最好换一种说法。另外说这种方法给谁谁带来的益处用动词benefit就好，has benefits for有点wordy。顺便提一句，千万不要说benefit from sb.，这个词组指“占便宜”）

To begin with, the quality ofclass would increase（可以加上半句“如果让学生来评价"). Teachers would perform well in the class if they knew that it's（书面语中不要用缩写哦，it is)  students they taught who（强调句只能用that，不可以换成who） considered（determin） the quantity of their salary. It is not an unusual phenomenon that teachers shout at their students or cram the students for the little mistakes they made in the class. If students had such rights, the bad teachers would performance well（better） and are（be） more patient to the students who made mistakes, which could found（provide） a good environment for students to study in and they could benefit a lot.

Secondly, the teachers could improve themselves during the time. Students are the people who stay the longest time with teachers. According to a survey conducted by a group of professors from a university in Europe, teachers spent about 76% of their working life time with their（删去their) students. The result means that it's the students who know the most about their teacher and they could point out plenty of mistakes of their teachers making in the class, which could help the teachers to improve themselves and have a better performance next time. (最后这句还是强调句, of 和which 指代的问题哦）

Last but not the least, the evaluation in the school would be more equality. Some people may give others a high score in order to get a high score for themselves when the school collect the information about a teacher form his/her co-workers. My neighbor,Miss Wang, was such a kind of teacher. The school she worked in use thee valuating systems that collecting(collect) information from other teachers. She was not good at teaching actually, but she always got a high mark on her teaching performance by using(by 和using重复） that way. This phenomenon can be totally avoided if the schools asked students for the information about their teacher, which can help the school to build a greater evaluating system.

In a nutshell, as evaluation by students has so many benefits, it's advisable for school to use this way to consider whether the teacher perform well at work.

大概说一下比较突出的感觉吧

1. 定冠词"the"使用过于频繁，其实不是每处都需要，尤其没有特指时

2. 用词重复比较严重，我貌似看到了好几个collect, information, improve, benefit. 可以尝试换成别的同义词

3. 我的老师很注意谓语动词在句子中的位置，所谓黄金比例。就是说当谓语动词处于句子中间靠前的位置时，句子读起来最舒服。所以发现谓语太靠后了，可以给后面加几个并列或者定于什么的来平衡，防止头重脚轻。

4. 如果可以再把每个论点之间的关系组织下就更好了。可以先说课程质量会增加，学校考评会更公平，并且老师自己的水平也能得到提高。加入一点递进关系，而不仅仅是并列。给人感觉思想一点点深入进去。

5. 结构不错！开头结尾短小精悍，中间段内容充实。

laneesherry

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-19 12:35
赶作业很辛苦吧~~
Nowadays, the way of collecting information about the（the删去比较好 ） teaching pe ...

谢谢建议！
同义词那里是当时实在是词穷了
谢谢关于谓语动词的建议！难怪我写完之后总觉得读起来很怪
这是我第一次尝试这种形式的结构，来自TOP11综合写作的启发，结果写的时候忘记了把层层递进也考虑进去。。。
我会认真修改的！再一次感谢！

laneesherry

0818 TPO12
(限时，228字，这次写得稍微有些赶，时间到了之后才发现有信息点似乎理解错了Orz。。。）

The passage said that Jane Austen, the famous novelists who once thought never left any image of herself, had left a portrait of herself and put out three evidences. But the professor in the lecture did not think them could prove it.

To begin with, the passage claimed that the person in the painting was Austen because the Austen's family gave permission to use the portrait and recognized the people on it as Austen. However, professor did not think it can prove anything as Austen had dead for almost 17 years before they claimed it, so the family member's memory may not correct.

In addition, the passage told us the teen girl in the portrait had the same sketch with Austen. Again, the professor opposite it, arguing that Austen was an big family, so there were many teen girls could wear the same sketch like Austen. The girl in the picture might not be her but one of them.

Last but not the least, the view in the passage that the painting was drawn by Ozias Humphrey was incorrect, too. The professor pointed out that although the picture had the same style as Humphrey, he did not sell his work in England until Austen was 20 years old, which is much older than the girl in the painting. Thus, the people in it could not be Jane Austen.

laneesherry

0818的independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.
(50min,392字)

People today tend to think that the opinions of celebrities are more important to the youth than the old. In my mind, I cannot agree more with this opinion, because it is obvious that what the celebrities said have greater  influence on the younger's words, actions and even their futures when compared to the older.

To begin with, the youth are more likely to be influent by others. As younger people have less experience than the older people, they are more likely to be influenced by the words celebrities said on the surface. One of my neighbors, Jack, is a typical case in that point. He always use the word "boring" to describe the things around him. He think it is very cool because one of his favorite singers did this one day when he watching TV. The singer's opinion on things around him influence Jack much, but to the older people like Jack's parents, they just think what the singer did it is just a funny joke.

In addition, it's the youth's nature to imitate others' action, especially the people they like. While the older people think that copying other's action is like a fool, the young people consider it as fashion. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists form a university, about 60% teens will buy the drinks or clothes their favorite celebrities like, and more than 50% of the young people in the research said that if the celebrities disliked a thing such as eating potatoes for example, they would not touch potatoes, too. Nevertheless, when it comes to the older people, the results are opposite. The opinions of celebrities have giant influence on the younger people.

Last but not the least, the opinions of celebrities may even decide a young people's future. Amy is one of the most famous football players in my college. She began to play football because the athlete she liked when she was young said that woman can also play football as good as the man like him. his opinion on football encouraged she to try her best to be a good player, decided her future when she was a little girl.

In a nutshell, with such a great influence, we can safety draw a conclusion that the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to the older.

pyivy

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-19 18:56
0818 TPO12
(限时，228字，这次写得稍微有些赶，时间到了之后才发现有信息点似乎理解错了Orz。。。）

The passage said that Jane Austen, the famous novelists who once thought never left any image of herself, had left a portrait of herself and put out three evidences. But the professor in the lecture did not think them could prove it.
To begin with, the passage claimed that the person in the painting was Austen because the （不用加the）Austen's family gave permission to use the portrait and recognized the people on it as Austen. However, professor did not think it can prove anything as Austen had dead（改为died） for almost 17 years before they claimed it, so the family member's memory may not 加be correct.
In addition, the passage told us the teen girl in the portrait had the same sketch with Austen. Again, the professor opposite it, arguing that Austen was an（改为a） big family, so there were many teen girls could wear the same sketch like Austen. The girl in the picture might not be her（改为Austein） but one of them.
Last but not the least（听力中没有强调那个原因最重要）, the view in the passage that the painting was drawn by Ozias Humphrey was incorrect, too. The professor pointed out that although the picture had the same style as Humphrey, he did not sell his work in England until Austen was 20 years old, which is much older than the girl in the painting. Thus, the people in it could not be Jane Austen.
通过阅读你的作业，我学到了很多，听力好多东西我没听出来，向你学习。另外，谢谢你给我的细致的修改。

laneesherry

pyivy 发表于 2013-8-19 21:29
The passage said that Jane Austen, the famous novelists who once thought never left any image of h ...

客气~
其实相互学习也是互改最大的好处之一