LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！

laneesherry

mk314400 发表于 2013-8-23 13:54
As the number of cane toads loses controlinAustralia（没有理解是啥意思= =）, the passage gives out ...

谢谢点评！
那个不可数的地方我也觉得是不可数名词，但是不知道为什么word文档自动纠错的时候提示应该是要加上s，后来查了字典之后发现确实是不可数，但是忘了改过来
还有就是你不明白的那个奇怪的地方。。。其实是因为单词直接复制粘贴过来连在了一起。。。

laneesherry

0822 independent writing
（可以按时写完但是超时三分钟用来修改，357字）

你同不同意 that  學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as  their academic class.  

Students get benefit from studentorganization or club activities  是不是  as much as their academic studies.

"All study and no play make Jack a dull boy." Of course attending the organization and activities club is as important as academic class to students, for it is good for both students’ body and soul, and they can also gain much more things during that time.

To begin with, attending the organization and activities club is a relaxing for students after a whole day's hard working sitting in the classroom. Join in a sports club, for example, is a good choice for students to give their body relaxes. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from U.S. the people sitting all day are about 60% more likely to get sick on their necks. Being active in school's organization and activities club could decrease the time of sitting in a classroom, that reduce the risk of having that problem.

In addition, being a member in school's organization or activities club is essential for student to grow up healthy. A first place in academic does not mean anything but that the person is good at study. Take my neighbor, Abide, for example.  He studied very hard and always got the first place in the class. However, he never attend any organization or activities club at school and all he did after school was study. Although he had a good academic performance, he had no friends, which is bad for his grow and his future. Hence, join in an organization or club is very important.

Last but not the least, students can gain many valuable things in an organization or club. One of my experiences is a typical case in that point. Really interested in radio, I joined in the radio club in my school. In that club, I made many friends and learned many skills about radio. I can still remember the happy moments that we finally solved a difficult problem after discussing for a long time. The friendship and great time I have there is a valuable treasure to me. That can never get in the academic class.

in a nutshell, it's important for students to join in organization and club activities in school.

laneesherry

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-13 19:50
迟交作业了真的是非常抱歉。。。。。。

0812

写完一篇相同的作文之后回过头来发现我的这篇文章居然没有人改。。。

我自己来评一下这篇十天前的作文吧。。。

1.开头点题没什么好的也没什么问题
2.让步段用了特殊句型，不过展开的不够多
3.分论点一的主题句还需要提炼
4.分论点二写得相对来说比较好
5.结尾段有些匆忙
6.全篇的毛病，现在也有，就是用词比较单一，还是有些chinglish

写过的作文再写一次感觉提高了一些。。。不过不知道是不是限时的原因，用词上没有过多推敲， 感觉不如这篇好

laneesherry

0822 TPO16
(20min,191字)

The passage claims that the archaeology science has faced many problems today, which should arouse people's attention. However, the professor in the lecture disagrees with it, pointing out that the situation had changed since 1990s.Here come the reasons and evidence.

To begin with, the fact that plenty of valuable artifacts lost in the passage is not correct according to the professor. She says that the things is different today and sever plans were made by government to protection the artifacts.

In addition, the opinion supported by the passage that the archaeologists get little financial support is opposite by the professor. She argues that it is the constriction company not the government that the archaeologists should ask for the financial support, for the company is founded to solving those problems in archaeological project.

Lastly, the passage tells that there are not enough jobs for people who want to be a archaeologist. Nevertheless, the professor argues that this was not true, saying that from writing reporter to teacher, there are lots of position in archaeology for people to choose, and that the numbers of job in this field has reaches its highest today.

饼干小熊

亲我今天去宣讲，明天帮你改哈，多谢

ni_kate

In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware the importance of children's education. While some people think that parents should do（去掉，两个动词了） spent more time on children in their study（应改成the study of children）, I have an opposite opinion. It's better for parents to spend more time playing with their children, which benefit the children, the parents and the whole family.（这句话有些问题，看得不是很明白，应该很明确地指出论点）

To begin with, studying all day is bad for student's body and soul. As a saying goes, “all study and no play makes Jack a dull boy." One of my friends, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. His parents never play games or doing（改成do） physical exercises with him and forbid him to go outside to play with others. Although he always got the first place at school, he does not(改成no) have (去掉)many friends and always the last one who runs the last place in the P.E. class. This was not good for his body and soul. Parents should play(pay) more time with their children, which an(??) help them to relax after a whole day's hard working and to build a strong body. (这句不知道你是想用什么样的从句，而且写得过长，表达不明确，其实换成简单句表达清楚更好)
第二段你写了“孩子一直学习的不好”，用的Abide的例子，交不到到朋友，可以写一些她的感受，或者造成了什么伤害，更多一些details 会更充实一些
In addition, playing games or doing physical exercise with children can help parents relax, too（却掉）. After a day's work sitting（the sitting of one all day更好些吧） in the office, parents' body would be more tired if they continued sitting beside their children to help their study（肿么有点汉语式英语的赶脚= =）. According to a research conducted by a group of scientist from U.S., the people worked in the office are more likely to get sick with their necks. Playing games or doing exercise with their children can avoid that resk. So, take more time on playing with children is better.(呃，还是那句话，如果复杂句子用得不好，就用简单句吧。像这种长句子，我就写不好的说......）

Last but not the least, the relationship between family members could be enhanced during that time. Playing games give parents have(两个动词？？) more time to talk with their children, which reduced the gap between parents and children. Take one of my experiences for example. I usually played cheese with my parents when I was a child after school. I can still remember how happy I was during that time and there were no parents and child but friends. It is one of the wonderful time I have. Hence, playing with children can benefit the whole family.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages, it's advisable for parents to play game or do physical exercise with their children.

饼干小熊

改好了哈~还要多多加油哦！

饼干小熊

附件在此

laneesherry

0823 综合
（没有控制好字数这次。。。20min，246words)

The passage puts forward a claim that the birds in U.S. will contunue to decline, which should arise people's awareness. However, the professor doesn't think this theory was true, and gives her reasons and evidence as follow.

To begin with, the story mentions in the passage that bird's habitats will disappear because of the expansion of human population and settlements is unconvincing. The professor argues that many habitats are built and protected in cities today, which attacted a lot of different kinds of birds. Althouth the habitats in one place may decline, it could increasing in other places.

In addition, the professor disagrees with the opinion in the passage that the expand of agricultural would decline the habitats of birds. She says that it's true that more crops are needed as the population of human continued growing, but as many new kind of crops with higher production being invented, the fields used by agricultural actually contiunes decrease this years.

Lastly, the reason that the use of chemical pesticides will decline the number of birds in the future is also doubed by the professor. The professor tells that as more and more people aware of this problem today, two things will happen in the future. For one thing, a new kind of toxic less chemical pesticides will appear to protect the birds; for another, scientists will invented a kind of crops that resistance to the harmful things such as insects, which decline the use of chenical pesticides.

laneesherry

0823 independent writing
學校或工作 Presentation 你習慣一個月前就開始準備或有 idea 後才晚一點開始進行
(超时几分钟，343words，检查的时候才发现一不小心手滑把所有的presentation打成了persentation。。。)

In today's competitive society, more and more people are awarded of the importance of performing themselves well in the public, such as doing a presentation at school or at work. When it comes whether people should prepared for the presentation a month earlier or just wait until a good idea come out of mind, my answer is also the former, for it could increase the quality of a presentation and leave a deep impression to others.

Waiting for an idea is a waste of practicing time. If the idea did not come up until several hours before the dead line, people might not have enough time to prepare for the presentation. One of my neighbors, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. Abide never prepared for a presentation until he thought of a good idea. Last month, teacher asked him to give a presentation about the cars in the future. It was not until the night before the deadline that he thought about an idea, so he prepared hurriedly. Consequently, no one in my class understood what he wanted to show to us. Hence, waiting for an idea is risky and it is better for people to begin early.

Preparing a mouth early can leave a deep impression to others. " Practice makes perfect." Only after a lot of practices can people make a impressive presentation. Preparing a month earlier give people enough time to practice and make the presentation a perfect one. Take one of my experiences for illustration, last week, I had to put out a presentation about what the city looked be like in the past. I began to prepare for it a month earlier and searched a great deal of information about cities and buildings in it. Finally, I performed really well and successed. If I did not start so early, I might never gain so much approval.

In a nutshell, as people do not have a second chance to give others a first impression, it's better for them to prepare for a presentation earlier and make it perfect by practice.