LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！

laneesherry

第一次在这里正式发贴子好紧张。。。
这里对写作文实在是没什么经验，还请各位前辈指点

laneesherry

2013.08.04 Independent writing
有人一边学习一边玩手机、上网、听歌，你赞同么?


With the rapid development of science and the wide spread of Smartphone, it has become fashionable for students to study while listening to music, playing mobile games or surfing the internet with their phones. However, I think it's a bad habit.

The people who don't aware of the problem may arguing that playing their mobile phones can give them a relaxation during the stressful study, which could ease their mind and lead to a more efficient work.

On the surface of it, their argument sounds persuasive, but on second thoughts, it cannot hold water.

Surfing the internet and playing mobile games while studying are not good ways to relax but good ways to kill time. They are the easiest things for students to be addicted to. Once beginning to surfing the internet or playing mobile games, it's hard for them to stop.  "I took my iphone with me to the school's library, “one of my friends told me, “and I did nothing in the four hours but using up its battery." In that case, studying and doing other things such as playing the cell phones at the same time is just a waste of time and it reduce the efficiency.

Listening to music for a long time is bad for people's health. In order to not disturb others, most students listening to music with their earphones. This may cause serious damage to their ears. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, about 65% of the hearing loss is the result of the people's habit of using earphones. Thus, although listening to music may of some help in improving the efficiency of study, the disadvantages of it far outweigh its advantages.

Having weighing the above pros and cons of studying while doing other things such as playing mobile games, we can safety draw a conclusion that it's not a good habit. It's time for us to aware of it and break with it.

laneesherry

今天的例子实在是太难过了稍微超过了一些交作业的时间。。。


0805
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
为了经济发展，我们可以忽略环境问题
（不限时，326字）


People cannot live without a clean environment like fish cannot live without clean water. Never can we part the environmental protection from economic development. Otherwise, as the saying goes, we might "put the cart before the horse".

Environmental problems could block up a country's economic growth. The incidences of many unusual diseases are increasing because of the environmental pollution. According to a survey conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, the incidence of cancer in big cities are about 76% higher than the incidence in small towns where pollution is much less serious. This might increase a country's medical costs, and consequently, lending to a decrease in economic development.


Sloughing over the environmental protection while developing the economy may even destroy a nation's economy. All the economic activities, especially agricultural activities, are bound up with the environment, which means that the attention paid on the economy greatly affected a country's economic growth. The decline of a village beside the Yellow River in China is a typical case. Last century, in order to develop agricultural, people cut off nearly all the trees surrounding the village to grow crops, which brought sandstorm to them, causing a considerable reduction in production the next year and finally, damaging their economy. This lesson paid for with blood tells people that environment is one of the most impotent factors in economic development and must be considered during the economic activities.


Only when we combine environmental protection and economic development can we have a steadily rise on economy. "Haste makes waste."It make no sense to ignore the environmental problems and pollute the environment while developing the economy, and then taking more than tenth of the price on environment treatment after that.

Clearly, environment is significant to the economic development. Developing the economy with the cost of environment might of some execution in short term, but in long term, it is a foolish behavior that destroyed the whole forest for just one tree.

zengyuruo

亲，今天上来才看见，我给你改作文。这会儿晚了来不及，我明天抽时间给你改哈！

lijinglol

蓝色是建议修改，紫色是强烈建议修改

People cannot live without a clean environment like fish cannot live without clean water.(A clean environment is to human beings are as clean water is to fish.) Never can we part（isolate） the environmental protection from economic development. Otherwise, as the saying goes, we might "put the cart before the horse".

Environmental problems could block up a country's economic growth. The incidences of many unusual diseases are increasing because of the environmental pollution. According to a survey conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, the incidence of cancer in big cities are about 76% higher than the incidence(that) in small towns where pollution is much less serious. This might increase a country's medical costs, and consequently, lending(leading) to a decrease in economic development.
(这段略短……我觉得可以加上比如你在城里的姑妈得哪种病了，到郊区疗养慢慢好转之类的例子，还有incidence这个词有的有点太多了……试试用possibility之类的做做替换)

Sloughing over(楼主确定可以这么用么？) the environmental protection while developing（主句主语是一个动名词短语，这里不能省略逻辑主语） the economy may even destroy a nation's economy. All the economic activities, especially agricultural activities, are bound up with the environment, which means that the attention paid on the economy（这里你是想说environment么？） greatly affected a country's economic growth. The decline（decline是动词呀……想表达衰败么？可以试试degeneration） of a village beside the Yellow River in China is a typical case. Last century, in order to develop agricultura（agriculture）, people cut off nearly all the trees surrounding the village to grow crops, which brought sandstorm to them,（incurring a sandstorm and /其实我这里建议整句都只使用定语从句形式，因为后面的三个后果逻辑主语都是前面整件事） causing a considerable reduction in production the next year and finally, damaging their economy. This lesson paid for with blood tells people that environment is one of the most impotent factors in economic development and must be considered during the economic activities.


Only when we combine environmental protection and economic development can we have a steadily rise on economy. "Haste makes waste."It make no sense to ignore the environmental problems and pollute the environment while developing the economy, and then taking more than tenth（ten times ） of the price on environment treatment after that.

Clearly, environment is significant to the economic development. Developing the economy with(at) the cost of environment might of some execution in short term, but in long term, it is a foolish behavior that destroyed（would/will destroy） the whole forest for just one tree.（……）

我建议楼主平时多多朗读背诵英文书籍/文章/新概念，背单词时候多注意看例句，多做（有答案的）中译英，增强英文表达能力。因为现在文章中有许多chinglish的感觉，感觉很多词都是现查字典一样，并不清楚用法

laneesherry

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-6 08:50
蓝色是建议修改，紫色是强烈建议修改

People cannot live without a clean environment like fish cannot  ...

谢谢批改和建议！
有好长一段时间没有写过这么长的英文作文所以现在有些生疏了。我会认真修改的。


0805的作文修改：


A clean environment is to human beings are as clean water is to fish.Never can we isolate the environmental protection from economic development. Otherwise, as the saying goes, we might "put the cart before the horse".

Environmental problems could block up a country's economic growth. The incidences of many unusual diseases are increasing because of the environmental pollution. According to a survey conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, the incidence of cancer in big cities are about 76% higher than that in small towns where pollution is much less serious. This might increase a country's medical costs, and consequently, leading to a decrease in economic development.

People sloughing over the environmental protection while developing the economy may even destroy a nation's economy. All the economic activities, especially agricultural activities, are bound up with the environment, which means that the attention paid on the environment greatly affected a country's economic growth. The degeneration of a village beside the Yellow River in China is a typical case. Last century, in order to develop agriculture, people cut off nearly all the trees surrounding the village to grow crops, incurring a sandstorm and causing a considerable reduction in production the next year and finally, damaging their economy. This lesson paid for with blood tells people that environment is one of the most impotent factors in economic development and must be considered during the economic activities.


Only when we combine environmental protection and economic development can we have a steadily rise on economy. "Haste makes waste."It make no sense to ignore the environmental problems and pollute the environment while developing the economy, and then taking more than ten times of the price on environment treatment after that.

Clearly, environment is significant to the economic development. Developing the economy at the cost of environment might of some execution in short term, but in long term, it is a foolish behavior that would destroy the whole forest for just one tree.

laneesherry

0806 Integrated Writing：
TPO26
(193字，超时三分钟)

The passage warned us that zebra mussel, a freshwater fish, must be vigilant as its appearance in North America might cause serious problems on ecosystem.  However, in the lecture, the professor had different ideas.

First and foremost, the passage claimed that the widespread of the zebra mussel is difficult to control according to what happened in the past. But the professor in the lecture said that the reason why people cannot stop it is that they didn't have enough knowledge about this species.

Secondly, the passage pointed out that the zebra mussel can get used to the new environment quickly, which means their population could increase once they are put into a new place. However, the professor arguing that their natural enemy would soon appear too, and the population would be controlled.

Thirdly, the passage said that the increase of the zebra mussel’s population was a threaten to the local fish because they captured their food. But the professor retorted that it just reduced some kind of fish living in the same water-course with the zebra mussels, and the other fish won't be affected. Thus, the fish's population would not change in total.

laneesherry

0806 independent writing
Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends.
a. joing a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling
(不限时，305字)

"All splendors in the world" As the saying goes,” is not worth a good friend." Then, what’s the best way to make friends for students? Some people may think joining a sports team and travelling are good choices. However, when it comes to me, participating in community activities is always the best.

There is no denying that playing sports with teammates is a way to forge and enhance friendship quickly, but the way is not suitable for the students who don't like sports. Thus, students can only make friends with those who love sports though that way. One of my classmates Jake is a typical case. All of his friends are sports lovers and they talk about sports all day, which is considerably tedious.

Travelling seems better than sports as students can meet different people during their journey. Nevertheless, students may come across evildoers before they meet their new friends. As it reported on the Newspaper last week, a girl named Su was almost killed by a robber when she was walking on a road near a forest alone in her tour. Although there are policemen to protect us, it doesn't mean that all places in the country are safe.

Then what about participating in community activities? Of course is the best choice because it is not as dangerous as travelling and unlike joining a sports team. Students can meet different people with different hobbies. I have participated in many community activities such as taking care of an old man and cleaning the streets. I have made plenty of friends while I was enjoying the time helping others. It's the most valuable treasure I owned.

Weighing the pros and cons of the above three ways, we now can safety draw a conclusion that participating in community activities is undoubtedly the best way to make friends.

懒蜗窝

"All splendors in the world" As the saying goes,” is not worth a good friend." (个人觉得把As the saying goes放在句首比较好，因为这个saying不长，而且放在中间有种被打断的感觉，ps:就算放在中间也应该是as吧？）Then, what’s the best way to make friends for students? Some people may think joining a sports team and travelling （traveling哦~）are good choices. （楼主的作文长度其实不长，这可以简要加一些原因)citing the reason that ....)However, when it comes to me, participating in community activities is always the best.
There is no denying that playing sports with teammates is a way to forge and enhance friendship quickly, but the way is not suitable for the students who don't like sports. Thus, students can only make friends with those who love sports though that way. One of my classmates Jake is a typical case. All of his friends are sports lovers and they talk about sports all day, which is considerably tedious.
Travelling （traveling哦~）seems better than sports as students can meet different people during their journey. Nevertheless, students may come across evildoers before they meet their new friends. As it reported on the Newspaper last week, a girl named Su was almost killed by a robber when she was walking on a road near a forest alone in her tour. Although there are policemen to protect us, it doesn't mean that all places in the country are safe.（2,3段可以分别总结一下相对比community 的优点~）
Then what about participating in community activities? Of course (It) is the best choice because it is not as dangerous as travelling （traveling哦~）and unlike joining a sports team. Students can meet different people with different hobbies. (Unlike 和students can..应该在同一句吧）I have participated in many community activities such as taking care of an old man and cleaning the streets. I have made plenty of friends while I was enjoying the time helping others. It's the most valuable treasure I owned.
Weighing the pros and cons of the above three ways,  （最后一段有点短，把这句变为一些同义转述，简要说出他们的有点缺点都是什么）we now can safety draw a conclusion that participating in community activities is undoubtedly the best way to make friends.
全文虽然没发现大的语法语义错误，但稍稍有些平淡，可以加一些强调句，倒装，等等~加油！批改的要是不好请见谅~

laneesherry

懒蜗窝 发表于 2013-8-7 08:00
"All splendors in the world" As the saying goes,” is not worth a good friend." (个人觉得把As the sa ...

谢谢批改！我会认真修改的=v=


0806作文修改：(322字)


As a famous saying goes:"All splendors in the world is not worth a good friend." Then, what’s the best way to make friends for students? Some people may think joining a sports team and traveling are good choices. However, when it comes to me, participating in community activities is always the best.

There is no denying that playing sports with teammates is a way to forge and enhance friendship quickly, but the way is not suitable for the students who don't like sports. Thus, students can only make friends with those who love sports though that way. One of my classmates Jake is a typical case. All of his friends are sports lovers and they talk about sports all day, which is considerably tedious to the students dialiked sports, and as a result, limited his friends circle.

Traveling seems better than sports as students can meet different people during their journey. Nevertheless, students may come across evildoers before they meet their new friends. As it reported on the Newspaper last week, a girl named Su was almost killed by a robber when she was walking on a road near a forest alone in her tour. Although there are policemen to protect us, it doesn't mean that all places in the country are safe.

Then what about participating in community activities? Of course (It) is the best choice because it is not as dangerous as traveling and unlike joining a sports team, students can meet different people with different hobbies. I have participated in many community activities such as taking care of an old man and cleaning the streets. I have made plenty of friends while I was enjoying the time helping others. It's the most valuable treasure I owned.

To sum up, Weighing the pros and cons of the above three ways, we now can safety draw a conclusion that participating in community activities is undoubtedly the best way to make friends.