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0815 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.
（41分钟， 333字，限时写作再次失败，不过这次的时间比之前短了一些继续加油！）
With the rapid development of science and technology, more and more people begin to realize the relationship between a better life and a greater world. Thus, young adults are supposed to give time and effort improving the world. Some people may think that the youth do not pay much attention on it. However, in my point of view, they are more likely to spent [ their time and effort on building a better world and a better life.
Regardding this opening paragraph, I think the frist sentence is weak linked with the one following, because in the former sentence you mentions about the relationship while in the latter one you start talking about the young people. So the improvement could be done on this part. For example, this sentence could be added between your opening sentence and the following argument, "Such group are not only primarily taken by adults, but adolescents also accounts for most of it." While some people may think bla.bla.., from my perspective, I believe bla.bla..
By the way, I think that compared with a Background information, just like the one you write "With...", a question is more simple to be designed as the opening sentence in a short time limitation.
To begin with, the youth are more helpful in today's society. {The youth are paying more attention on the whole society rather than only themselves. For example, } It's not an unusual phenomenon that the young adults offered [offer] their seats to the older. According to a recent research, the young adults who have the experiences offering their seats to the old people are about 30% more than the past. What's more, about 90% of the old people in the interview said that they had been helped by the young people in different ways such as taking a heavy bag and offering seats.{Since the Subject of this sentence is "they", old people, so taking and offering are wrong modifer. and I would like to correct it in this way, "bla bla that young people are offering kindness in different ways such as taking the heavy bag and leaving seats"} "Takes always love and the world is a tomb." The data above shows that young people clearly know the motto and they are more likely to try their best to make a wonderful world.
In addition, more and more charities are founded than in the old days by young adults. Take the place I lived in for example, there are [were] only one charities far from my home in this place ten years ago. But now, the number of the charities grew to 23 and one of them if [even] just beside my house. Miss Wang, one of my neighbors, is a volunteer there. She is willing to work there even though she gets no money. This is not a rare case. In fact, many young adults today are glad to give their time and effort to found or work in charities in order to build a beautiful world like her. (Good, I like this one, it's quite convincing.)
In a nutshell, young people today are more warmhearted and willing to contribute their time and effort to build a better world.
PS:
1. Keep the tense consistent, not disorderly jumping from recent to past.
2. link each sentence more compact both from syntactic side and logical side.
3. Use a reasoning structure could not only improve the logic connection but also reduce the time on 'creation'.
Just like the one you used in the writing, "This is not a rare case, then more general description", there are many ways to make the whole passage more sense, such as "The primary reason why I bla bla is that..... , "For instance", "from another perspective", "furthermor"e and so on.
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楼主
发表于 2013-8-17 00:33:43
