LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！

laneesherry

饼干小熊 发表于 2013-8-24 20:55
附件在此

非常感谢！

laneesherry

ni_kate 发表于 2013-8-24 11:29
In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware the importance of children's edu ...

非常感谢！

19911006

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-23 20:13
0822 independent writing
（可以按时写完但是超时三分钟用来修改，357字）
你同不同意 that  學生參加學校 ...

0822 independent writing（可以按时写完但是超时三分钟用来修改，357字）你同不同意 that  學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as  their academic class.  
Students get benefit from student organization or club activities  是不是  as much as their academic studies.
"All study and no play make Jack a dull boy." Of course attending the organization and activities club is as important as academic class to students, for it is good for both students’ body and soul, and they can also gain much more things during that time.To begin with, attending the organization and activities club is a relaxing for students after a whole day's hard working sitting in the classroom.（ 状语部分是个病句，不应该把这么多的成分混在一起，表达不清楚的话可以分为多个句子）Joining in a sports club, for example, is a good choice for students to give their body relaxes. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from U.S. the people sitting all day are about 60% more likely to get sick on their necks（这里既然出现了more，就应该补上比较的对象）. Being active in school's organization and activities club could decrease the time of sitting in a classroom, that reduce the risk of having that problem.In addition, being a member in school's organization or activities club is essential for student to grow up healthy. A first place in academic does not mean anything but that the person is good at study. Take my neighbor, Abide, for example.  He studied very hard and always got the first place in the class. However, he never attend any organization or activities club at school and all he did after school was study. Although he had a good academic performance, he had no friends, which is bad for his growth and his future. Hence, joining in an organization or club is very important.Last but not the least, students can gain many valuable things in an organization or club. One of my experiences is a typical case in that point. Really interested in radio, I joined in the radio club in my school. In that club, I made many friends and learned many skills about radio. I can still remember the happy moments that we finally solved a difficult problem after discussing for a long time. The friendship and great time I have there is a valuable treasure to me. That can never get in the academic class.in a nutshell, it's important for students to join in organization and club activities in school.


句子的表达不是很好，表达不出要说的意思
例子和观点的练习不是很好，甚至有的不能体现出benefit
BY 19911006 加油

19911006

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-25 01:58
非常感谢！

没想到在word上改好了，还是变成这样

sherlock1992

这位童鞋，改的迟了些，敬请见谅
红色修改 蓝色建议 高亮表赞

In today's competitive society, more and more people are awarded（awared) of the importance of performing themselves well in the public, such as doing a presentation at school or at work. When it comes to whether people should prepared(prepare) for the presentation a month earlier or just wait until a good idea comes out of mind, my answer is also(why "also"?) the former, for it could increase the quality of a presentation and leave a deep impression to others.

Waiting for an idea is a waste of practicing time. If the idea did not come up until several hours before the dead line（deadline), people might not have enough time to prepare for the presentation. One of my neighbors, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. Abide never prepared for a presentation until he thought of a good idea.(这句子逻辑有错误，去掉never） Last month, a teacher asked him to give a presentation about the cars in the future. It was not until the night before the deadline that he thought about(think about只有“考虑，思考”的意思，似乎没有“想出”的意思，所以这里用的不甚恰当） an idea, so he prepared hurriedly. Consequently, no one in my class understood what he wanted to show to us. Hence, waiting for an idea is risky and it is better for people to begin early.

Preparing a mouth early can leave a deep impression to others. " Practice makes perfect."（这里空空的撘一句，前后缺少连词作衔接，故读起来不太流畅） Only after a lot of practices can people make an impressive presentation. Preparing a month earlier gives people enough time to practice and make the presentation a perfect one. Take one of my experiences for illustration, last week, I had to put out a presentation about what the city looked be like(looks like即可） in the past. I began to prepare for it a month earlier and searched a great deal of information about cities and buildings in it. Finally, I performed really well and successed. If I did not start so early, I might never gain so much approval.

In a nutshell, as people do not have a second chance to give others a first impression, it's better for them to prepare for a presentation earlier and make it perfect by practice.

啊啊啊啊啊， 小结了，这位兄台，您的作文：
1.规规矩矩，是很正统的文章，开头段点出主题，后二段分别采用point+details之势，到最后收尾呼应一段主体，赞一个。
2.但。。。字数少了些（对于字数同样少的可怜的我就不多说了）；
3.文中有些语法错误需要多加注意，最好在打完之后，留些时间快速浏览检查一遍遍。
4.对于一些词语的用法，尽量高级邪恶一些，要富于变化，当然提到变化，句式的多样性在托福这个小生态中也是有必要的。。。


最后，鄙人挫见，仅供参考。

laneesherry

0824 TPO18
（20min,230words）

The passage puts forward three ways to prevent Torreya taxifoha, a tree in Florida, from extinction. However, the professor in the lecture says that none of the solution will be worked and gives her reasons and evidence as follow.

To begin with, the idea mentioned in the passage that reestablishing the tree in the same location in Florida may not make sense, according to the professor. She pointed out that as the climate in Florida has changed a lot during the thousands of years, the place is warmer and drier than before, which is not suitable for Torreya to live in.

In addition, the passage put out another solution that planted the tree in a different region. But that is strongly opposite by the professor. She argues that this might cause biology disaster like the black tree in the past, which spread so quickly after planted in another place, killing many other local trees and consequently, even causing some of them extinct.

Lastly, the claim gave out by the passage that preserve the tree in research center does not work, neither. The professor tells that Torreya need enough room to growth and a vast place to spread its seeds and saplings, which cannot be forded by the research centers. Thus, even if this way can prevent the tree form dying for some time, it cannot run in a long term.

Mint静默

lanee童鞋你的独立呢。。。

laneesherry

Mint静默 发表于 2013-8-25 23:03
lanee童鞋你的独立呢。。。

在这里！交迟了非常抱歉。。。



0826 independent
Do you agree or disagree that the rules in societies today are too strict for young people.
（50min 349words)



In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware of the importance of obeying the rules. However, at the same time, a claim also put forward by some people that this rules are too strict for young adults. This cannot be true. On the contrary, today's society gives the young people much more chances and room than the past to grow freely.

To begin with, internet, the most convenient and strongest tool, is now a common thing to the youth. As internet enlarged the world people could see and give young people a new way to tough the world, they could improve the world in an more flexible way. Take one of my experiences for illustration.  There is just one charity which really far from my house in the region I lived in. Were there no internet, every time when I wanted do something for it, I must obey the rule of the society and walk a long way to there just for register. But with internet, I can do it in a minute! Hence, many things such as the internet today give the youth more room and chance to improve the world freely.

In addition, the society is far more liberal than before. Many unfair and strict rules to the young people such as the rule that girls cannot go to colleges as boys are canceled with the increase of people's education level. According to a recent research conducted by a group of scientist from a famous university, about 90% people agree with the idea that people are born equal and nothing is impossible with a willing heart. That undoubtedly means that more and more young people have the chance and room to change the world as they like because they were born on such a liberal society. The rules in the world have never been so loose in the past few decades.

In a nutshell, the opinion that rules today are too strict for the youth is undoubtedly incorrect. With such a strong tool and a liberal environment, young adults are much freer than before.

laneesherry

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-8-25 14:32
这位童鞋，改的迟了些，敬请见谅
红色修改 蓝色建议 高亮表赞

谢谢批改！
我会认真修改的



0823 independent writting

In today's competitive society, more and more people are awared of the importance of performing themselves well in the public, such as doing a presentation at school or at work. When it comes to whether people should prepare for the presentation a month earlier or just wait until a good idea comes out of mind, my answer is always（之前手滑打错了囧） the former, for it could increase the quality of a presentation and leave a deep impression to others.

Waiting for an idea is a waste of practicing time. If the idea did not come up until several hours before the deadline, people might not have enough time to prepare for the presentation. One of my neighbors, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. Abide never prepared for a presentation unless he thought of a good idea. Last month, a teacher asked him to give a presentation about the cars in the future. It was not until the night before the deadline that  an idea came out of his mind, so Abide prepared for it hurriedly. Consequently, no one in my class understood what he wanted to show to us. Hence, waiting for an idea is risky and it is better for people to begin early.

Preparing a mouth early can leave a deep impression to others. As we all known," Practice makes perfect." Only after a lot of practices can people make an impressive presentation. Preparing a month earlier gives people enough time to practice and make the presentation a perfect one. Take one of my experiences for illustration, last week, I had to put out a presentation about what the city looks like in the past. I began to prepare for it a month earlier and searched a great deal of information about cities and buildings in it. Finally, I performed really well and successed. If I did not start so early, I might never gain so much approval.

In a nutshell, as people do not have a second chance to give others a first impression, it's better for them to prepare for a presentation earlier and make it perfect by practice

Mint静默

昨天的修改