LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！

laneesherry

0819  TPO 13
(超时几秒钟，206字)


The passage thinks the phenomenon that private collectors selling and buying fossils has many disadvantages and people should aware of this. However, the professor in the lecture holds a totally different opinion on it.

To begin with, the professor disagree with the claim in the passage that people would not see the fossils as they were bought by private collectors, which would decline public interest in fossil. She said that there were many private museums as well and lots of fossils still can be seen by the public.

Secondly, the view in the passage that fossils study would be affected as scientists can not touch the fossils is also incorrect. In the lecture, the professor pointed out that before the fossils being sold or bought, they must be identified by scientists first. Thus, scientist can still tough the fossils and study them.

Lastly, the passage said that private collectors usually destroy scientific evidence of the fossils when they were under earth, which affect the study of fossils. However, the professor opposite that a large number of fossils could not be discovered without the private collectors, and that scientists' study on fossils would be even slower. So, the advantages of selling and buying fossils outweighs  the disadvantages.

qingcongll

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-20 20:01
0819  TPO 13
(超时几秒钟，206字)

The passage thinks the phenomenon that private collectors selling and buying fossils has many disadvantages and people should aware of this. However, the professor in the lecture holds a totally different opinion on it.

To begin with, the professor disagree with the claim in the passage that people would not see the fossils as they were bought by private collectors, which would decline public interest in fossil. She said that there were many private museums as well and lots of fossils still can be seen by the public.(听力有出入，lecture不是这么说的）

Secondly, the view in the passage that fossils study would be affected as scientists can not touch the fossils is also incorrect. In the lecture, the professor pointed out that before the fossils being sold or bought, they must be identified by scientists first. Thus, scientist can still tough？？ the fossils and study them.

Lastly, the passage said that private collectors usually destroy scientific evidence of the fossils when they were under earth, which affect the study of fossils. However, the professor opposite that a large number of fossils could not be discovered without the private collectors, and that scientists' study on fossils would be even slower. So, the advantages of selling and buying fossils outweighs  the disadvantages.

laneesherry

0819 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.
(55min, 406字，这次没有控制好时间和字数。。。)

In today's competitive society, the way tosuccess has drawn people's great concern. When it comes to me whether people shouldcopy others' actions or different from everyone else in order to success, myanswer is always the later, for it sometimes is a faster way to success andcould benefit people themselves a lot.

To begin with, finding a way different fromeveryone else may be the fast way to succeed. In today's materialistic society,in order to realize their dream plenty of people prefer to follow certain stepsof the successes people. Thus, many competitors would arise in the way tosuccess. So, trying to find another totally different way is a better choiceand without so many competitors, people might success earlier. The story ofAbide, the famous business man, is a suitable case in that point. When he grewup, people in the little village he lived in were busy to find a stable work ina big city with high salary. However, different from them, he studied themountains around the village carefully, finding that it is a great place forthe people form big cities to go sightseeing. After collecting enough informationabout it, he found a traveling company and earned a lot of money when he wasvery young. This case is not rare. In fact, many famous people achieved theirdream much faster than others by finding a different way.

In addition, people could benefit a lotduring that time. Finding a new way to success need the ability of thinkingindependently as well as a great deal of knowledge other people lacked, whichmeans that people could learn many new things while practicing the skill of jumpingout of the mind box. Take Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft company, forexample. He left school when other people think that the only way to success isgraduating from a famous college and found his own company. In his way ofstruggling for success, he learned a lot of knowledge about computer to improvehim and thought of many new ideas about what a perfect computer like in thefuture. What more, He also gained much valuable things such as friendship inthe meantime. The experience of him tells us that it's better to choose a waydifferent from everyone to success.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,people should different from others in order to succeed.

laneesherry

qingcongll 发表于 2013-8-20 22:08
The passage thinks the phenomenon that private collectors selling and buying fossils has many disa ...

非常感谢葱叔的批改！
那个地方确实是当时没反应过来就过了。。。

whom123

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-19 21:18
0818的independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of ce ...

People today tend to think that the opinions of celebrities are more important to the youth than the old. In my mind, I cannot agree more with this opinion, because it is obvious that what the celebrities said have greater  influence on the younger's words, actions and even their futures when compared to the older.
首段开门见山，直接表明观点，很好~ 如果能稍用些手法美化一下就更好了。

To begin with, the youth are more likely to be influent（influenced） by others. As younger people have less experience than the older people, they are more likely to be influenced by the words celebrities said on the surface. One of my neighbors, Jack, is a typical case in that point（个人觉得这个有点多余，可删去）. He always use the word "boring" to describe the things around him. He think it is very cool because one of his favorite singers did this one day when he  （is） watching TV. The singer's opinion on things around him influences Jack much（用这个词感觉不太合适，deeply更好些）, but to the older people like Jack's parents, they just think what the singer did it is just a funny joke.
结构没问题，论点论据满足，有些表达方面和语法小错要注意些。

In addition, it's the youth's nature to imitate others' action, especially the people they like. While the older people think that copying other's action is like a fool, the young people consider it as fashion. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists form a university, about 60% teens will buy the drinks or clothes their favorite celebrities like, and more than 50% of the young people in the reserch said that if the celebrities disliked a thing such as eating potatoes for example, they would not touch potatoes, too. Nevertheless, when it comes to the older people, the results are opposite. The opinions of celebrities have giant influence on（最好换成have great effect on） the younger people.

Last but not the least, the opinions of celebrities may even decide a young people's future. Amy is one of the most famous football players in my college. She began to play football because the athlete she liked when she was young said that woman can also play football as good as the man like him（这么表达显得有些别扭，看着费劲。比如改为because of her favourable athlete, who said woman could also play football as well as man when she was young, 是不是更好些？）. his opinion on football encouraged she to try her best to be a good player, decided（之前的逗号换成and） her future when she was a little girl.

In a nutshell, with such a great influence, we can safety draw a conclusion that the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to the older.

总体来讲观点说清了，并且有一定的例子和细节。但是我总感觉也许有些地方有点论述不是很充分。如若使论述更充分些，例子的表达提高一些，避免一些重复的用词和说明，文章会更完美。

ps：最近我这儿不知道怎么回事 帖子回复完全不出提醒 今天去交作文时才看到你的批改和你贴出的链接 这么晚才改真是抱歉了~~~

laneesherry

whom123 发表于 2013-8-21 19:49
People today tend to think that the opinions of celebrities are more important to the youth than t ...

非常感谢！
我会认真修改的！

laneesherry

0820 independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise.
（33or34min, 353字，这次用了TPO模拟软件去计时，稍微有了一些紧迫感，不过写最后一段的时候还是不够时间，观点二深化的也不够,辛苦帮忙改作文的同学了）

  In today's competitive society, a goodrelax is necessary for people after a whole day's fighting. When it comes tothe way of relaxing, my opinion is always that doing something at home suchas  watching a movie or reading a book ismuch better than doing physical exercise outside, for it is good for both thepeople's body and people's soul.

To begin with, doing exercise outside mayhurt people's body on the contrary. After a whole day's hard working, people'sbody is very tired and need to sit down for a relaxing. Forcing body to doexercises under such circumstance undoubtedly would hurt it. According to aresearch conducted by a group of scientists from my university, people are morelikely to get hurt during doing exercise with a tired body and about 60% of thehurt in exercise is from the group of people who like doing exercise afterwork. Thus, physical exercise cannot give people relax but hurt them.

In addition, doing something quiet at homesuch as watching movies or reading books can totally give a relax to people'sbody. Sitting or lying on sofas is a relaxing for people's leg.  a movie or good book can put people at easementally. Take my experience for example. Every time when I read a book quietlyat home after a day's study, I forget the disturb things at school in themoment and it is the best time for me in the day.  

Last but not the least, good books such asliterature or good movies can improve people themselves. People could learn alot of beautiful and valuable things in the world such as love and friendshipin the world from them. I used to spend one week on reading Gone with the Windin my relaxing time. I learned a lot about the courage and friendship betweenpeople and I thought a lot. This experience is wonderful and I'm glad that Idid not miss it by doing exercise.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,watching movies or reading books is a better way to relax.

laneesherry

0820 TPO14

（超时半分钟，195字，这次稍微借鉴了一下葱叔的词句）

The passage claims that remove salvagelogging benefit both the forest and the economy. But the professor doubts thestatement and gives out her reasons and evidences as follow.

To begin with, the professor doesn't thinkthat remove the dead trees could help new trees to grow as the passage say. Onthe contrary, she points out that as the dead trees enrich the soil, new treescould grow much quicker.

In addition, the passage says that theinsects would be attracted by the decaying woods, which harm the trees' health.However, the professor opposes it, arguing that the health of trees could notbe infected as they have lived with the insects for more than a hundred years.What's more, the insects are also good for forest's long term grow.

Lastly, the opinion that moving out thesalvage logging can help local economy to increase in the passage may notcorrect, too. The professor points out that many big machines are needed toremove those trees, which is very expensive. She also says that as removing thetrees is just a part time job, the problem of local people' working actually isnot solved.

xiaxiaya

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-22 03:12
0820 independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to rela ...

0820 independent writing

In today's competitive society, a good relax is necessary for people after a whole day's fighting. When it comes to the way of relaxing, my opinion is always that doing something at home suchas  watching a movie or reading a book ismuch better than doing physical exercise outside, for it is good for both the(去掉吧) people's body and people's soul.

To begin with, doing exercise outside mayhurt people's body on the contrary. After a whole day's hard working, people'sbody is （people's/ our bodies are） very tired and need to sit down for a relaxing（relax已经是名词咯~for a relax 更地道）. Forcing body to do exercises under such circumstance undoubtedly would hurt it (be harmful to our health). According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from my university, people are morelikely to get hurt ( 或者get injured) during doing exercise with a tired body and about 60% of the hurt(injury) in exercise is from the group of people who like doing exercise afterwork. Thus, physical exercise cannot give people relax but hurt them.

In addition, doing something quiet at home such as watching movies or reading books can totally give a relax to people's body(总感觉people's body单复数不太好确定。。). Sitting or lying on sofas is a relaxing for people's leg（直接用动词就好release / relax our legs）.  a movie or good book can put people at ease(好像没有put ease这样的说法，help ease ourselves可能更好) mentally. Take my experience for example. Every time when I read a book quietly at home after a day's study, I forget the disturb（这是个动词哦） things at school in the moment and it is the best time for me in the day.  
【这段就像楼主说的，不太理想，首先这段的观点好像就在重复主观点，就像这样“我认为读书更能放松，因为读书能放松放松我们的身体”】

Last but not the least, good books such as literature or good movies can improve people themselves. People could learn a lot of beautiful and valuable things in the world such as love and friendshipin the world from them（这里有点冗余）. I used to spend one week on reading Gone with the Wind in my relaxing time. I learned a lot about the courage and friendship between people and I thought a lot（思考和学到，换一下顺序可能更好~因为句子前面太长后面太短，另外，这个and可以用逗号隔开，这样句意比较明显）. This experience is wonderful and I'm glad that Idid not miss it by doing exercise.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,watching movies or reading books is a better way to relax.
【结尾稍微有点单薄】

sallygreen

改完咯~