LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！

laneesherry

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-9 19:43
我看到阅读后很纳闷怎么就2段，然后听力貌似讲了三个方面，所以手足无措不知道怎么写了。不清楚到底该分几 ...

我还以为所有在文中和听力里出现的词都最好尽量不要在文中出现，所以就在那里拼命地想其他的词去替代

之前写的时候也是在这里纠结了好久因为看来看去都只有两个观点。。。看来以后对文章中心的提炼还要加强

laneesherry

0809 综合
TPO 3

The passage pointed out three problems to illustrate that a painting was not painted by Rembrandt. However, in the lecture, the professor said that the painting was Rembrandt's work but someone had drawn something on the original painting.

To begin with, the dress of the woman on the painting. The passage said that the woman's dress was not suitable for her stage. But the professor argued that the clothes were not drawn by Rembrandt and the original dress covered by it was perfectly suitable.

In addition, the shadow and the light. The passage pointed out that the shadow in this painting especially the one on the woman's face didn't fit with the light. However, the professor said that it's because the people who redrew on the picture forgot to cover it, and in the original painting, the light and the shadow could fit together perfectly.

Last but not the least, the wood on which the painting painted. The lecture told us that it's made of several different piece of wood but Rembrandt never did it. Nevertheless, the professor argued that Rembrandt did paint on just one piece of wood and that the other woods were added by other people to enlarge the whole picture.

laneesherry

9 Aug
Independent Writing：
For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities?
（不限时，372字）

With the rapid development of science and technology, more and more people began to aware the importance of education, for it's the basic stone to build a strong country. As old English saying goes, “a lazy young, a lousy age”,Education is considerably important for young children. And the government should pay more attention on it. The reason is obviously.

The best time for a people to study is when they were young. It's true that never too old to learn, but young children usually more capable on learning than the adults. According to a research conducted by a group scientist from Europe, the time an adult spent on learning a new thing is about 30% more than the young children. It could be a waste if people did not make used of the best time in their lives. Thus, more budgets should be spent on the young children to build a better study condition.

The education on people when they were young could have a great influence in their whole life. Edison, the famous inventor in the world, is a typical case in that point. Born in a poor family, he could go to school as many young children. It's his mother that taught him a lot of interesting knowledge and told him never give up, which gave him great courage during the time he inventing the lamp and finally, he successed. Were his mother not teach him many useful things when he was a young child, he would be never so successful. Edison's experience is not the only case. The government should never ignore the important role the young children education paid in a person's whole life.

What's more, the education for young children is basic to children's higher education. It could be more difficult for children to catch up with their classmates if they were left out in the young age. In a recent research, scientists interviewed a group of university students whose academic performance is excellent. 90% of them owned the great performance to good education they took when they were very young. Therefore, education for young children is much more significant.

Clearly, young children education is very important and the government should focus more its budget on it.

xiaxiaya

TPO 3

The passage pointed out three problems to illustrate that a painting was not painted by Rembrandt. However, in the lecture, the professor said that the painting was Rembrandt's work but someone had drawn something on the original painting.

To begin with, the dress of the woman on the painting (句子好像不完整，口语里可以这么说，但是作文里好像不太常见这么写). The passage said that the woman's dress was not suitable for her stage（我觉得dress的点在衣帽风格或者说身份不协调，虽然我也不知道怎么准确地paraphrase ， 我自己只换了词性）. But the professor argued that the clothes were not drawn by Rembrandt and the original dress covered by it （covered by it 是不是covering her更好呢？因为不是衣服被cover而是人被cover）was perfectly suitable.

In addition, the shadow and the light （同样的句子不完整，其实我不确定书面语里面能不能这么写）. The passage pointed out that the shadow in this painting especially the one on the woman's face didn't fit with the light. However, the professor said that it's because the people who redrew on the picture forgot to cover it （我觉得，不应该是forgot呢，如果要概括来说，就说是redraw的部分导致它不符就OK了；我觉得这里可以复述得细致一点，说一下为什么脸不应该partial shadow~）, and in the original painting, the light and the shadow could fit together perfectly.

Last but not the least, the wood on which the painting painted. The lecture（这里不应该用lecture，会造成误会吧，还是用passage吧） told us that it's made of several different piece of wood but Rembrandt never did it. Nevertheless, the professor argued that Rembrandt did paint on just one piece of wood and that the other woods were added by other people to enlarge the whole picture.

总的来说，点都抓到了~比我强~
一点点小建议是，要是添加更多的听力里解释的细节就好了~毕竟现在看来，文章基本上每段就是3~4句话，略微单薄

laneesherry

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-10 20:50
TPO 3

The passage pointed out three problems to illustrate that a painting was not painted by Rembr ...

谢谢点评！
其实不是因为我没有加细节而是听的时候就没有把那些细节反驳的理由听出来

laneesherry

0810 独立
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes.
（本来是想限时的但是结果时间到了才写完第一个理由……于是就变成不限时了，320字）


As we all known, no man is perfect. The man who does not make any mistake in the world is no existing. Thus, it is necessary for people to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. In my opinion, it's an especially important characteristic that a good leader of a company or the political of a country must have. The reason is obviously.

The lost of this ability would finally lead to a fall. Only those who dare to take responsibility for their mistakes could success. The experience of my uncle is a typical case in that point. As a leader of the department, my uncle is busy all day. One day, he made a wrong decision, which cause the company lost a large sum of money. After hearing that, he did not take the response but blamed it on another employee. Having known that, nearly everyone in his department lost trust on him, leading to sabotage in the department and consequently, the company was nearly collapsed. This case is not rare. The leader's loss of the ability to take responsibility is deadly to many companies.

The ability to take responsibility of a political or leader can gain people's respect, which is necessary for them to govern a country or a company.  Johannes Rau, the president of Germany, apologized to the word for the mistakes German made in the war world two in 2009. This action of taking responsibility gained respect for Germany from the people all over the world as well as improved the relationship between Germany and other country. Taking responsibility for mistakes is one of the traditional virtues, and it is a considerably important character of a leader or a political.

To sum up, it is important for a leader or a political to take responsibility for their mistakes, because their action not only represented themselves, but also represented the whole company or the whole country.

xiaxiaya

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 19:55
0810 独立
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Sorry楼主，昨天听抄做过头了，实在太累，自己赶完作文就倒下了~ 给你补上~
红的是待改进的，蓝的是好词好句，绿的是建议

As we all known, no man is perfect. The man who does not make any mistake in the world is no existing (be existing这种用法好像不太常用，楼主如果不想重复从句里的does not可以换一下There be 句型~). Thus, it is necessary for people to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. In my opinion, it's ( 这个指代不太明显，这里感觉换成题目中的那个ability to ...更好一点) an especially important characteristic that a good leader of a company or the political of a country  ( politicians of a country' ） must have. The reason is obviously.

The lost of this ability would finally lead to a fall（failure？） . Only those who dare to take responsibility for their mistakes could success（要用only的时候，就强迫自己用一用only的倒装~） . The experience of my uncle is a typical case in that point. As a leader of the department, my uncle is busy all day. One day, he made a wrong decision, which cause the company lost a large sum of money. After hearing that, he did not take the response but blamed it on another employee. Having known that, nearly everyone in his department lost trust on him, leading to sabotage（词用得有些大，不过可能是因为我没理解楼主的意思） in the department and consequently, the company was nearly collapsed. This case is not rare . The leader's loss of the ability to take responsibility is deadly to many companies. （楼主举例子和分析感觉很连贯，也很切题）

The ability to take responsibility of a political or leader can gain people's respect, which is necessary for them to govern a country or a company.  Johannes Rau, the president of Germany, apologized to the word for the mistakes German made in the war world two in 2009.（例子很简洁也很贴切, 稍微有一点不足的是，这个错误不是他本人犯下的，不过题目里好像也没说是不是自己犯的错误） This action of taking responsibility gained respect for Germany from the people all over the world as well as improved the relationship between Germany and other country（复数）. Taking responsibility for mistakes is one of the traditional virtues, and it is a considerably （好像不太用来修饰important，如果不想用very, the most可以用extremely, crucial）important character of a leader or a political.

To sum up, it is important for a leader or a political to take responsibility for their mistakes, because their action not only represented themselves, but also represented the whole company or the whole country.

laneesherry

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-12 09:38
Sorry楼主，昨天听抄做过头了，实在太累，自己赶完作文就倒下了~ 给你补上~
红的是待改进的，蓝的是好词好 ...

谢谢批改和建议！我会认真修改的。
当时写的时候就愣住了因为一共就想到了两点理由
第二个例子虽然想到了但是人名不会拼所以后来问了一下百度

laneesherry

0810 作文修稿
蓝色是修正部分

As we all known, nothing is perfect. There is no person in the world that never make any mistake. Thus, it is necessary for people to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. In my opinion, The ability to taking responsibility for mistakes is an especially important characteristic that a good leader of a company or the politicians of a country' must have. The reason is obviously.

The lost of this ability would finally lead to failure（当时写的时候确实是忘了这个单词怎么拼） . Only those who dare to take responsibility for their mistakes could success（要用only的时候，就强迫自己用一用only的倒装~——谢谢建议！） . The experience of my uncle is a typical case in that point. As a leader of the department, my uncle is busy all day. One day, he made a wrong decision, which cause the company lost a large sum of money. After hearing that, he did not take the response but blamed it on another employee. Having known that, nearly everyone in his department lost trust on him, leading to sabotage（词用得有些大，不过可能是因为我没理解楼主的意思 ——因为想不到怠工的其他表达了囧……其实我也觉得这个词稍微有些奇怪用在这里。） in the department and consequently, the company was nearly collapsed. This case is not rare . The leader's loss of the ability to take responsibility is deadly to many companies.

The ability to take responsibility of a political or leader can gain people's respect, which is necessary for them to govern a country or a company. Johannes Rau, the president of Germany, apologized to the word for the mistakes German made in the war world two in 2009. This action of taking responsibility gained respect for Germany from the people all over the world as well as improved the relationship between Germany and other countries. Taking responsibility for mistakes is one of the traditional virtues, and it is an extremely important character of a leader or a political.

To sum up, it is important for a leader or a political to take responsibility for their mistakes, because their action not only represented themselves, but also represented the whole company or the whole country.

laneesherry

0811 综合写作 TPO5
（限时，205字）

The passage was about three theories that the "great houses" were used. But the professor in the lecture did not think that the theories are correct.

Firstly, some archaeologists in the passage thought that the houses were used for people to residential. However, the professor pointed out that although the houses looked like departments from the outside, the number of fire place in it is not enough for hundreds of families to use, which is conflicted with the theory.

In addition, the passage put out another theory that the structures were places to store food such as the grain maize, one of the main crops of the Chaco people. But the professor didn't agree with it, saying that there was much evidence to opposite it. For one thing, the condition in the houses is not suitable for people to store crops; for another, people did not find enough containers to store so much food in the buildings.

Lastly, the theory that the great houses' function as ceremonial centers was also incorrect. Although many broken pots were found in the houses as the passage claimed, many other necessary materials for a ceremony is lacked, so professor thought that the place cannot be used for a ceremony.