新手一枚，多多指教

sherlock1992

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-4 14:28
In the past, the ties linking neighbors are strong because the low development of material conditio ...

谢谢批改，考虑到新托福要求的是通俗，生活化，有些地方自觉确实写得不好，你的建议很中肯，我会吸取的。
P.S：今天的色彩是有那么一点丰富。。。

anafkn

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-4 17:07
6.3综合
今天换了一个新模板，各种不顺手啊~
The reading passage explores the issue of whether the girl ...

The reading passage explores the issue of whether the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen or not（高亮，因为差点狗眼看错……of+whether……or not; 或者that whether…… ）. The professor’s lecture deals with the same issue. However, he thinks that subject in the painting is not Jane Austen, which contradicts what the reading states. And in the lecture, he uses three specific points to buttress his idea.

First, even though the reading passage suggests that the Austen’s family sees the painting as a portrait of the author, the professor argues in the lecture that it can prove nothing. This is because 70 years has passed when the Austen’s family authorizes the portrait to others. And these family members probably have not ever seen what the famous author is like. So, obviously, the professor’s argument disproves its counterpart in the reading.

Moreover, despite of the statement in the reading that the face in the portrait is similar to the one sketched by Cassandra. The professor contends that the extended Austen’s family is so big that some relatives at that time such as teenage girls are very like the portraits too. Then he supports his point with the fact that one of those relatives, many experts believes(短语不一定能到处插orz……), is the right person.

Finally, the professor asserts that one can not judge the subject of the portrait only by the style of the painting whereas the author of the reading claims that the active period of Humphery is complied with（词好，但是不知道在这里合不合适，因为用作“遵守”“答应”+规定的方面多，可以换成accord with?） the time when Jane Austen is a teenager. The professor proves that this claim is indefensible by pointing out that it is impossible for Humphery to use black canvas sold by Williams to paint.---i.e.,（我弄不清楚破折号在英语中的用法，所以一般不敢用，但是……破折号会和即放在一起吗……据说破折号不用作解释，表转折、强调、引用居多，弄明白也跟我说一下哈） when Williams sold this kind of canvas in London, Jane Austen had been a 27-year-old girl.

In conclusion, the professor clearly identifies the flaws in the reading passage and convincingly shows that the central argument in the reading,---that is, the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen is correct(大大的orz……乌龙了).

内容就不评价了哈——我是中午半梦半醒赶的，现在已经不记得内容了……
词语继续高亮，赞！
句子（可能跟之前改6.1独立脑子改串了）短语词汇可以用来切断长句，当然可能要注意一下句子断在哪里了哈，不知道为什么觉得so, abviously,这种一字一段的有点小奇怪（附庸风雅二缺范儿发作，不用理我）
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最后一句好欢乐……玩儿脱线了咩哈哈哈哈哈哈……



好吧我太恶劣了……

sherlock1992

comply with错了，应该是conform to

anafkn

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-4 18:18
The reading passage explores the issue of whether the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen or not（ ...

对了——乌龙的那句写错了，the girl 前面加一个that，不然句子无法做is的主语

sherlock1992

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-4 18:18
The reading passage explores the issue of whether the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen or not（ ...

1.今天我参考了一下北美的一个模版，在表示“那就是说”时，可以用---that is, ---i.e.,  ---that is to say,所以可以放心使用这种在固定搭档中的破折号，没问题的。
2.倒二段中的comply with应该是conform to，我搞错了。
3.那个乌龙球真够丢人的。。。

abbyseven

Students can getas many benefits fromorganization or club activities as they can get fromtheir academic studies.

In our traditional society, studentsusually devote much time to doing academic studies, which makes them pay moreattention to books and lack （lack attendance 这样子lack可以做V，与pay并列吧，但是貌似lack of 也可以 囧 我也不知道了） of outdoor activities.By contrast, nowadays, with the conception upgraded and horizon broadened,people tend to evaluate a person in many ways including not only academicperformance, more importantly, but the behaviors in organization orclubactivities. And as we can see, students can usually gain a lot from outdooractivities just as they learn from classes.

First and foremost, it is undeniablethat people absorb a lot from classes and books, but there is a point you mustnotice, that is purely theoretical knowledge can do nothing（感觉是不是有点口语，囧，is useless）. It cannot create this abeautiful world but（不明白，是theoretical knowledge不能创造一个美丽的世界，但可以是一个实用的世界么） practical ones （a dull one）. Pragmatism,while, is the top method tosolve problem in our real world. Let us set an example in this case, we all know（有点多余） economists usually play a role to giveadvice concerning economic prediction to the president. While, in this situation, because of the uncertainty offuture market, we regret to saythese elites are usually wrong. （觉得这样说比较好， because of the relative lack ofpractical experience, the economic experts are not capable of makingappropriate suggestions all the time）In contrast, those people who often participate in actualeconomic activities make right judgments. So, granted, academic papers are so important, activitiesfrom organizations and clubs are just the same.(有点奇怪，从上文应该不能得出这个结论吧，So the theoretical knowledge we obtainedfrom the classes would be more helpful if it were bond to practical experiencewhich we received from organizations and club activities.)

Besides what is mentioned above, in ourschools, a miniature society, such ideas that outdoor activities are also pivotal for studentscompared to academic studies can be also proved. Here is a case in point, oneof my friends named Kim is the chairman of our school English club. When I meethim in campus, the most frequent word he says to me is” busy”, due to the tight schedule in his clubevery day. But he surely learns a lot from this experience, especially theknowledge of psychology. Here is the proof. Although I indulge（force） myself into （to）study psychology every day, in thefinal exam, he got a higher score of the psychology in the final exam. And the reason is he has a furtherunderstanding of the psychological process. Thus, the gains from organizationor club activities sometimes give people a much easier access to knowledge.

After ruminating those reasons listedabove, we can clearly see that if a school or society was lack of essential outdoor activities, instead,full of academic studies and theoretical knowledge, the life of us will be（would be 感觉虚拟语气是这样的） worse off absolutely. Therefore, thebenefits one can get from organizations or clubs are equitable to that ofacademic studies.

不知道咋说，我有种觉得你可以写一边倒文章的那种感觉啊，比如就是有种赞同从organization中有更多benefits的赶脚,好像会好写很多哟  

sherlock1992

abbyseven 发表于 2013-6-5 00:40
Students can getas many benefits fromorganization or club activities as they can get fromtheir acade ...

额。。。不太理解你这话的意思，但是托福中大多数作文都是一边倒的，这样更符合美国人直接的风格，也是他们与中国人思维方式不同的一个方面。。。

sherlock1992

abbyseven 发表于 2013-6-5 00:40
Students can getas many benefits fromorganization or club activities as they can get fromtheir acade ...

还有就是。。。

谢谢批改

abbyseven

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-5 13:13
还有就是。。。

谢谢批改

就是，可以说 参加organization 可以获得和参加class一样的多的benefit啊 甚至更多 就有一边倒的赶脚了

童颜公主

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-5 13:09
额。。。不太理解你这话的意思，但是托福中大多数作文都是一边倒的，这样更符合美国人直接的风格，也是他 ...

没有吧，他们喜欢倒四分之三，剩四分之一给点面子。