新手一枚，多多指教

scartter

agree or disagree:Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in a long term.Once stepping into society, young people always crave for finding a job which best fits them, and then, putting all their energy into this wonderful job. Is it a fact of our lives? Obviously, no. On the contrary, it is very hard to find the right niche for themselves at their first try.(感觉和上一句没有说明因果关系吧？为什么说合适的工作难找所以就要尝试多种不同的工作？) Thus, for people at this golden age, they should take different jobs in order to have a clear vision for their career or job they love for.First and foremost, accumulating vaious （various）job experiences are a competitive edge compared to those who only touch a single area. Also, these precious processes widen one's horizon and substantially, on doubt， enhance their ability to receive new knowledge coming from the outer world. My uncle is a good example, from young to mid-aged, his jobs have traveled from electrician to textile workers, from tailor to managers（单数）. When meeting with difficulties, his neighbors always ask him for help only because of his ample experiences. The truth is, all the time, my brilliant uncle solves these things easily, even some things out of his learning. Therefore, trying different jobs can improve the youngs（youth） ability so that they can make a more accurate decision concerning their future job or career.(段落结构语法没有问题，但是第一句说可以更有竞争力，第二句又说可以提升能力,举得例子也是可以提升能力，所以楼主何尝不可以把整段改成是论述可以提升能力呢？不然这样论证和总体局就没有联系了。)What's more, varying job experiences is a gateway for young people to find the real love, the real appealing jobs for them. Only finding the labor of love can （差个动词吧？加个make之类的）people completely stimulate their potential, thus allowing access to their full efficiency. Accordingly, the job or career people tend to do in a long term is usually prone to the things they interest, or more precisely, the things they love. Here is a vivid case in point, steve jobs, a crazy lover for computer, create iPod, iPone （iphone）and any other beautiful 'artworks', which make a significant contribution in the line of computers.(最后最好总结一下这个例子和这一段整体的联系。)On the other hand, different jobs are also （加个动词呗，什么offer啊provide啊）different angles to observe our lives. Through observations, these young people can not only learn knowledge coming from professoinal （professional）jobs, but also obtain lessons from the life they living in. For most famous people, when talked（talking） about their secrets of success, they usually thinks （is）the way towards life make them stronger and wealthier (rather) than the knowledge coming from books. So, a well-thougt(thought of ) value towards life is seen of great significance.After ruminating those three above-mentioned reasons, i fully convinced that it is absolutely true for young people to try different works areas in order to have a more brighter future. Anyway, it is such a crucial factor which, in some meanings, more or less, decides a person's life.


不好意思，回得晚了一点，每周一可特别多，总体没什么大问题，有些拼写错误应该是打的太快了，例子的运用和逻辑上需要再加强，楼主加油！

sherlock1992

scartter 发表于 2013-4-23 13:23
agree or disagree:Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they ...

没关系，谢谢scartter的批改！

sherlock1992

Should the government support artists or should artists support themselves?

Everyone knows, art is the most beautiful language of nature. Accordingly, artists are a group of people who interpret the language of natural beauty. So, considering the importance of art, government, no doubt, should give these artists due help rather than just let them go the way alone.

Although some critics ever said in newspaper that the government should pay more attention to needy people or other practical project instead of spending much money supporting unrealistic things like art, many merits of latter one is obvious.

First and foremost, through the supports coming from government, it is easy to kindle the fire of hope of these artists who cannot chase their dreams because of the lowstandards of living. For example, painters need canvases, pigments and brushes to make pictures. Musicians require all kinds of instrument to create music. These painting and music tools, in some situations, are a heavy burden for artists. So that is why this behavior of the government to support artists is worthwhile. At the same time, Historians and recent statistic charts have proved that the more government support artists, the more prosperous the art areas can be,which further substantiates the vital importance of government supports.

Besides, in some meanings, art is also a kind of smart power. Just like Hilary Clinton said,nowadays, as the times of wars have gone, smart power has become the most pivotal diplomatic way for many countries. And the arts of one country usually embody the culture of people living in that area. Thus, supporting art and artists, on the other hand, is to be seen at a strategic level. Providing artists with due supports, in this way, not only create more chances for people dreaming for being an artist, but also enhance the culture influence of onecountry. Therefore, it is a win-win game for both parties.

What’s more, when talked about art, we often take a heart of admiration, appreciation and elegance. Why? The reason is simple, because art is also a tool to purify heart. One scientific research has concluded that a man who loves art and always touches them has a much lower criminal rate than that of average people.So if our society is full of art-lovers, and our government take artists into considerable account, the criminal rate, no wonder, will be low.

To sum up, artists are a kind of people who are full of creative and original talent. By supporting them, government can gain a lot of unvisional profits. In a word, the government should provide artists help rather than let artists support themselves.

sherlock1992

nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less than people in the past.

In the past,the ties linking neighbors are strong because the low development of material conditions impels people to ask help more often from their neighborhood.Whereas, in this day and age, the technology has grown by leaps and bounds, thedependence among neighbors, yet, is substantially weakened.   

First and foremost, as we know, the power of creative destruction is so tremendous that the connections between onepeople and the other have been rebuilt again and again, of course, including neighbors. Nowadays, people seem to be more prone to using Internet to communicate, whatever thing it is. So, the free talk time is less and less among neighbors for it is much happier to chat with your friends instead of theperson living nearby.  As a result, the gap is appearing slowly, the intention to seek help to neighbors is also becoming much less than before.

What's more, the service provide today is various, from house-moving to machine-fixing. Meanwhile, these services are professional and effective. Compared to go directly to neighbors for help, these services can diminish the time we cost and improve the productivity, more important, the price is not very expensive. Thus, in this situation when your car is broken or the house should be cleaned up entirely, people usually have a call to these service corporations rather than rely on theirneighbors.

On the other hand, the busier you are, the less time you meet with your neighbors.  It is undeniable that modern people are under much pressure than before. They get up in the early morning and are exhausted to come back late at night. It is no wonder that the relationship among neighbors is hard to develop further because their lives are nearly no points of intersection. Naturally, the not-so-good relationship is a transparent barrier for them to build solid ties to help each other more. Therefore, neighbors lean on each other less compared to the past people.

After ruminating those threeabove-mentioned reasons, obviously, today, neighbors are more independent. Theyhave a lot of ways to choose from besides their neighbors to solve a problem.Anyway, people depend on their neighbors less than the people in the past.

sherlock1992

5.8 独立

In ourtraditional society, students usually devote much time to doing academicstudies, which makes them pay more attention to books and lack of outdooractivities. By contrast, nowadays, with the conception upgraded and horizonbroadened, people tend to evaluate a person in many ways including not onlyacademic performance, more importantly, but the behaviors in organization orclub activities. And as we can see, students can usually gain a lot fromoutdoor activities just as they learn from classes.

First andforemost, it is undeniable that people absorb a lot from classes and books, butthere is a point you must notice, that is purely theoretical knowledge can donothing. It cannot create this beautiful world but practical ones. Pragmatism,while, is the top method to solve problem in our real world. Let us set anexample in this case, we all know economists usually play a role to give adviceconcerning economic prediction to president. While, in this situation, becauseof the uncertainty of future market, we regret to say these elites are usuallywrong. In contrast, those who often participate in economic activities choosethe right answer. So, admittedly, academic papers is so important, activitiesfrom organizations and clubs are just the same.

Besides what ismentioned above, in our schools, a miniature society, such ideas that outdooractivities are also pivotal for students compared to academic studies can bealso proved. Here is a case in point, one of my friends named Kim is thechairman of our school English club. When I meet him in campus, the mostfrequent word he says to me is busy, due to the tight schedule in his clubevery day. But he surely learns a lot from this experience, especially theknowledge of psychology. Here is the proof. Although I indulge myself intostudy every moment, in the final exam, he got a higher score in psychologyexam. Thus, the gains from organization or club activities sometimes givepeople a much easier access to knowledge.

After ruminatingthose reasons listed above, we can clearly see that if a school or society lacksof essential outdoor activities, instead, full of academic studies andtheoretical knowledge, the life of us will be worse off absolutely. Therefore, thebenefits got from organizations or clubs are equitable to that of academicstudies.

perfectends

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-5-9 20:41
5.8 独立
In ourtraditional society, students usually devote much time to doing academicstudies, whic ...

亲，抱歉，我有事没及时批，明天中午给你批吧，早晨一早还有事，出去。。。

sherlock1992

perfectends 发表于 2013-5-9 23:23
亲，抱歉，我有事没及时批，明天中午给你批吧，早晨一早还有事，出去。。。 ...

没关系，

perfectends

点评见图片：

sherlock1992

谢啦，perfectends

gaoynn

哥们，我是本来要帮你改ART，5月8日那次作文的，不过我看了你的作文好几遍，我都没觉得有什么好改的，写的太好了，如果我有你这水平我就心满意足了。。。