新手一枚，多多指教

sherlock1992

14 June
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Most business people are motivated by desire of money only.
Integrated Writing：
TPO22

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During the Industrial Revolution, in many European countries business men are regarded as groups of people being cold-hearted and emotionless. While, with the advent of 21st century, some huge changes ensue, including the upgrade of business conceptions. Contrary to the past negative image, these business elite as a part of social main power are playing an indispensable role in modern times, meanwhile, positively keeping a social-friendly image instead. Hence, i have no reasons but firmly believe that most business people, at least for today's, are not the single money-oriented ones.
First and foremost, in contemporary business culture, it is often highly evaluated the ability of how much contributions a company can create for the whole society. And only if you have earned a good reputation can you really boost your profits, i.e.---money is earned on the premise that you have a favorable image and can be supported by your consumers. And just like "clients are God " goes in markets, the top services and high-quality goods ,yet, are the right motivation that impels this scocial elite to keep moving forward.
Besides, for today's entrepreneurs, the real stimulant derived from not money but the special feelings within the competition, which can satisfy their mind craving for conquering. Especially, money is just a number for you at your certain stage of life journey, your step to pursue material fortune is not any more a effective way to cram your thirsty mind. Bill Gates is a good example in this case. Being the former most richest person in the world, his success is not out of money-oriented goal but of the interest regarding to computers, he even established a Bill-melinda foundation with his wife, of which huge numbers of money are used to provide African children with necessary help. Therefore, money is not the soly goal for these business people.
Third, although Adam Smith has ever expressed the idea that business people desire money only on the assumption that the human being is a definitely  rational animal, the reality is we people are combinations of sense and sensibility. So, no one man in this world can completely be rational all the time. The point that people doing business is only a slave of money is so ridiculous and can not be believed.
After ruminating those three-above reasons, i am fully convinced that most of business people, in other words, are complexities. Sometimes, they may reveal a face as a conqueror and chase for high profits, but most of time, they are just normal people as we are.

阿伦艾弗森

During the Industrial Revolution, in many European countries' business men are regarded as groups of people being cold-hearted and emotionless. While, with the advent of 21st century, some huge changes ensue, including the upgrade of business conceptions. Contrary to the past negative image, these business elite (复数)as a part of (我觉得用part of 更好，因为elites是复数)social main power are playing an indispensable role in modern times, meanwhile, positively keeping a social-friendly image instead.(这句话整体很别扭，有些头重脚轻，而且meanwhile后面的修饰语最好紧跟所修饰的词)Hence, i have no reasons but firmly believe that most business people, at least for today's, are not the single（我觉得可能用simply更好） money-oriented ones.
First and foremost, in contemporary business culture,it is often highly evaluated the ability of how much contributions a company can create for the whole society. （好像把这句话改为the ability of how much contributions a company can create for the whole society is often highly evaluated 逻辑上更通顺一些，主动大于被动原则。但是这个句子这样改的弊端就是主语太长，头重矫情）And only if you have earned a good reputation can you really boost your profits, i.e.---money is earned on the premise that you have a favorable image and can be supported by your consumers.（and出现前后两句的结构最好并列，这句话and前的意思我没有读懂） And just like "clients are God " goes in markets, the top services and high-quality goods ,yet, are the right motivation that impels（主谓一致！） this scocial elite（最好用复数。） to keep moving forward.
Besides, for today's entrepreneurs, the real stimulant derived from not money but the special feelings within the competition, which can satisfy their mind craving for conquering. （这个句子的结构有点乱，中间的the real...competition看起来像插入语，导致which后的句子其实修饰的应该是entrepreneurs，which也应该用who）Especially, money is just a number for you at your （托的写作句子里最好不要用第二人称）certain stage of life journey, your step to pursue material fortune is not any more a effective way to cram your thirsty mind. （这句话缺连词）Bill Gates is a good example in this case. Being the former most richest person in the world, his success is not out of money-oriented goal but of the interest regarding to computers, he even established a Bill-melinda foundation with his wife, of which huge numbers of money are used to provide African children with necessary help. （这句话缺一个连词）Therefore, money is not the soly goal for these business people.（你这一段的主旨写的是商人的动机并不仅仅是挣钱，而且还有征服欲，但你给的DG的例子主要凸显的是他的自身的goal，建议稍改下主旨句。）
Third, although Adam Smith has ever expressed the idea that business people desire money only on the assumption that the human being （指人类整体单数了后面用a animal 不太恰当）is a definitely  rational animal, the reality is we people are combinations of sense and sensibility. So, no one man in this world can completely be rational all the time. The point that people doing business is only a slave of money is so ridiculous and can not be believed.
After ruminating those three-above reasons, i am fully convinced that most of business people, in other words, are complexities.(最好改为not motivated by money) Sometimes, they may reveal a face as a conqueror and chase for high profits, but most of time, they are just normal people as we are.

1.因为修改页面改版了我木有找到删去的那条小横线就拿下划线代替了。
2.连词问题
3.主谓一致
4.楼主惯用长难句写作，我之前的写作老师说，3长+1短的结构是比较完美的；所以楼主可以尝试写些短句


7,8个多月木有写作和改文了，手有点生，还请以后多指教~~

sherlock1992

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-17 16:17
During the Industrial Revolution, in many European countries' business men are regarded as groups of ...

当我打开页面的一瞬间，看到全线亮黄，一阵小激动。。。
结果。。。
非常感谢小艾的认真批改，指教不敢当，只作互相勉励吧~

louzhou

It is undeniable that in this information explosion era, printed books and the television are two most significant resource poors(pools吧？), from which people absorb useful and ample nutrients concerning to varies of angles towards life. Maybe it is true that people have different dictionaries of their own, where the words contain are as disparate as apples and oranges that are beyond comparison: the issue of whether printed books are more influential on society or the television is incessantly heated discussed. （我觉得前面这一句可以简写一点，因为概括起来就是people‘s opinions vary. 重点最好放在后面的论证段。这一句长了以后有点头重脚轻的感觉，尤其是第二段本身比较短）While(while后面一般不用逗号）, I buttress the former with no exception.

The first reason to support my point lies in that the benefits we can get from printed books outweigh those from televisions. A vivid example in point comes from a comic, in which depicts two boy: One boy is reading a book whilst imagning the colorful content in his brain, whereas, the other boy is watching the colorful televsion but full of blank in his mind. Hence, from the instance above, it is probably not difficult to come a conclusion---the printed books enrich one's mind but televison pales.（略短，能否多点理论证明部分）

Secondly, printed books are indispensable medium to instill precious knowledge to our normal people, and such examples are everywhere as textbooks, tool books, or encyclopedias. Moreover, Just as Sir. Bacon ever said---the knowledge is power. So, printed books, needless to say more, have a huge effect on our society. And if the television can replace the firm position where printed books functions,  why innumerable top-class unversities still regard these paper books as the first choice? In a word, regarding to education area, the function of printed books is unparalled.

Last, but not the least, granted, the televison provides us with unmatched enjoyment of the auditory sense and sight sense,（此处要用句号） the screen, however, are saturated with gratuitous violent and pornographic contents. Meanwhile, the commercial characteristic of television shows has, from the far beginning, settled the main key: the platform of televisons is not only a simple poor to transmit information, more importantly, but a business war full of turbulent undercurrent. Therefore, compared to televisions, the printed book appears to be more pure.

After ruminating those three-above reasons, i am fully convincing that printed books have many advantages compared to television and ,equally, more influential on society than television does.

不好意思哈！由于我正在毕业，整个周末都没有上浮（630一战的好紧张……）现在来修改～
1. 有些句子很长，需要一点时间去理解，建议长句和短句结合。
2. 楼主主要用到的高级语法是插入语，可以尝试一下更多使用强调，倒装，虚拟语气以及定语从句、同位语从句等其他高级语法形式。
3. television拼错了……
4. 可以更多尝试使用实例论证以及逻辑较强烈的理论论证法（反证、概念以及并列递进）。
5. 整篇文章还是很标准的结构，有利于控制时间的。
大家加油！

sherlock1992

louzhou 发表于 2013-6-17 22:34
It is undeniable that in this information explosion era, printed books and the television are two mo ...

谢谢批改，祝你好运~

sherlock1992

20 June「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be more likely to succeed than students who do not.

---

Have you heard of the messy dormitory of Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer where is the cradle of Microsoft? Or have you heard about the disarray of Mark Zurkberg's harvard dorms where is the birthplace of Facebook? Obviously, for some excellent people, they can touch the peak in the way to climb the "success" mountain. And it seems that these detailed descriptions in these famous people's biographies depicting their messy rooms is a pretty right thing. Is this a rational choice? At the same time, some people maintain that there don't exist a necessary link between the rooms inner condition and the probability of success. However, I hold an opposite view regarding to this issue and buttress the point that a neat and organized room will be a benign factor for a man's success.
First and foremost, granted, in some cases, messy can provide a track of inspiration for our human beings. But it belongs to a little possibility event. And the main reason why we usually have a such impression linking success and messy room probably derives from the exaggeration to some celebrities' life of modern media. So, let alone the media element, we can take a rational way to reexamine this issue. The first benefit we can get from the behavior of keeping rooms tidy is the efficiency improving. In this situation, when some things are needed in your room, you can locate it within a least time. In long run, this habit can influence the other aspects of your life and boost you to arrange other thing more suitable. A case supporting it lies in that you may choose to schedule a week rather than do nothing so that more easy to be success.
Besides, a tidy room, to some extent, is also a indirect way to ease pressure. Because a recent research concerning psychology made by Miami University claimed that a well-organized display in a room can give people a sense of coordination and make your emotion positive, compared to the negative effect given by a messy room. Indeed, you can just imagine what is the feeling that an important key or ID card is missing in your room when you immediately need it, which can substantially lessen your pressure. And a well pressure control can push you go further to achieve success.
Third, a well habit is a reflection of a well thinking ability. And the neater and more organized your room is, the more well-planed the way of your thinking. Further, a well-planed thinking ability is a significant element of team. Hence, if you master this advantage well in your team, success is not a far-reaching goal any more.
After ruminating those three reasons above, i am convinced that a habit of keeping rooms tidy is such that can boost your efficiency, ease your pressure and improve your team-control ability. Therefore, it is a positive factor for one man's success.

rainnonine

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-20 21:48
20 June「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following state ...

红色表示错误，蓝色表示建议，高亮表示好句。

Have you heard of the messy dormitory of Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer where is the cradle of Microsoft?（这里的of结构我觉得改为‘s的结构会好点，因为表人，而且改了之后dormitory和定语从句更近） Or have you heard about the disarray of Mark Zurkberg's harvard dorms where is the birthplace of Facebook?(排比开头，值得学习；第二句开头的or去掉更好；dormitory) Obviously, for some excellent people, they can touch the peak in the way to climb the "success" mountain. And it seems that these detailed descriptions in these famous people's biographies depicting their messy rooms is a pretty right thing. Is this a rational choice?(前面这三句，其实我没怎么看懂你想表达什么，而且我觉得跟后面的句子也联系不上) At the same time,(这个词组这样用我觉得没起到承接的作用) some people maintain that there don't exist a necessary link between the rooms inner condition （我觉得用of结构逻辑更清晰）and the probability of success. However, I hold an opposite view regarding to this issue and buttress the point that a neat and organized room will be a benign factor for a man's success.
First and foremost, granted, in some cases, messy can provide a track of inspiration for our human beings. But it belongs to a little possibility event. And the main reason why we usually have a such impression linking success and messy room probably derives from the exaggeration to some celebrities' life of modern media. （你是想说当代媒体曝露的名人生活？我觉得这个of结构没表达出来）So, let alone（这个词组表示的是"更不用说"，一般在句子后半截用，而你是想说"先不提"?） the media element, we can take a rational way to reexamine this issue. The first benefit we can get from the behavior of keeping rooms tidy is the efficiency improving. In this situation, when some things are needed in your room, you can locate it within a least time. In long run, this habit can influence the other aspects of your life and boost you to(好像没有boost sb to do sth 这种用法) arrange other thing more suitable. A case supporting it lies in that you may choose to schedule a week rather than do nothing so that more easy to be success.
Besides, a tidy room, to some extent, is also a indirect way to ease pressure. Because a recent research concerning psychology made by Miami University claimed that a well-organized display in a room can give people a sense of coordination and make your emotion positive, compared to the negative effect given by a messy room. Indeed, you can just imagine what is the feeling that an important key or ID card is missing in your room when you immediately need it, which can substantially lessen your pressure.（你是指丢失了钥匙实际上能减少压力？） And a well pressure control can push you go further to achieve success.
Third, a well habit is a reflection of a well thinking ability. And the neater and more organized your room is, the more well-planed the way of your thinking. Further, a well-planed thinking ability is a significant element of team. Hence, if you master this advantage well in your team, success is not a far-reaching goal any more.
After ruminating those three reasons above, i am convinced that a habit of keeping rooms tidy is such that can boost your efficiency, ease your pressure and improve your team-control ability. Therefore, it is a positive factor for one man's success.

优点：有些句子用得很好； 结尾段很简洁有力
有待改进： 1  第一段逻辑不清晰，没有很好的引出自己的观点
                  2  各分段的论证，在句子之间衔接不够紧密，比如你的第二条理由中讲到减压，在讲完钥匙或者身份证丢失的感觉突然转到控制压力能有助成功
                      第三条理由论证不够充分
                  3 有些单词和词组的使用还需要查证之后再用
加入小分队后第一次修改别人作文，很多我指出的错误和建议也有待商榷， 一起加油.....        

sherlock1992

rainnonine 发表于 2013-6-21 13:24
红色表示错误，蓝色表示建议，高亮表示好句。

Have you heard of the messy dormitory of Bill Gates an ...

1.dorm=dormitory
2.第一段的那三句话其实我想表达：显然，对于一些杰出的人物，他们可以达到成功之巅。而且看上去在这些人物的自传中所描述的凌乱的房间摆设的细节是一件多么正确的事情，但是（这真的具有普适意义且）对大众来说是一个理性的选择吗？
3.其实第一段中讲了一些人认为要想更容易成功，可以不顾房间整理这些细节，还讲了另些人认为两者毫无关系。然后，我提出了自己的看法。
4.boost sb. to do sth. 这样子的可以有。
5.谢谢批改，下次改的一定要更加的体无完肤

sherlock1992

[hr][hr]6.20 作文改错本
[hr]
1.let alone 更不必说=not to mention=much less
There isn't enought room for us, let alone six dogs and a cat
I haven't decided on the menu yet, let alone bought the food.
I haven't decided where to go, let alone when to leave.
2.in a long run 长远来看

sherlock1992

7.1 do you agree that people should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from one's work?

Should people have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from their own work? As far as I am concerned, people should take different kinds of activities because variety of activities make people stronger, have more friends and less easy to get bored.

Firstly, people taking part in different kinds of activities are stronger than those who don’t. Different kinds of exercise and sports can help people train different parts of body. For example, basketball makes people agile while swimming makes people’s bodies stronger. Short distance runner need to do other kinds of sports like ping pong to train their arms since short distance running only make their legs stronger. For those brainworkers, they need to do physical activities to keep healthy and relax themselves from the huge pressure.

Secondly, people make different kinds of friends when they take part in variety of activities. We can learn knowledge and information from friends. For instance, last year, I met David when I was playing the piano. He taught me a lot of music knowledge and corrected some mistakes of my gesture. What’s more, people who have a lot of friends feel happier than those who don’t. People have more parties to attend and it is easy for them to forget unhappy things. Besides, friends will do us a favor when we need help.

Last but not least, people are easy to get bored if they keep doing the same job. When we are bored, our efficiency declines and we are easy to make mistakes. For example, last week, I was trying to work out a difficult math problem. After two days hard working, I still couldn’t find the answer and I became confused. Then I went out for a walk and didn’t think about the problem. I talked and played with children in a park. When I went back to my math problem, I work it out quickly. I found it was actually not as difficult as I thought.

Based on the above analysis, I should reiterate that in order to be stronger and happier, people need to try different kinds of things.