asd 的作文贴，希望互相提高

perfectends

Recently, a controversial issue has been brough into our eye-sightsthat （句型不错，开篇就眼前一亮；controversial彰显词汇量） should the universities prepare the students who are aboutto attend jobs? Just as one of the sayings goes, one hundred people will haveone hundred Shake Spares Shakespeare（科普下: 莎士比亚全名William Shakespeare.楼主要注意莎士比亚这个名单拼写，我当年在学的时候还好个注意，倒不会分开，但是会很容易写成Shakespare）in their own minds. It also applies to this certaintopic.﹝过渡自然，赞﹞ For me, I highlyrecommend（很好，比较native） the universities, as possible as they can,（插入语是词句提分的另一个特色） to provide some more （改成more更加切题，本文是问提供）preparations for thestudents. It is not only great for students but also for universitiesthemselves.

To start with,we might see many talent students who are not willingto study. They may do everything suchas playing games, dating different girls or dringking all nights. The reason why they do notstudy is that they lack motiviation. They have no idea of the real world or （有点中式思维，删掉）the fierce competition because they are in an isolated tower, which is theuniversity. If the universitiesprepare gain （原词中式思维）some information about the unpromising employeementsituation in today's society, students will concentrate on their studies owingto the joblessness.  整段：段首主题句应该提出观点，你只是提出了现象，把后半截补充完整会有更好的logic

In addition, students, more often than not, （=most of the time，但前者不一定有人知道此用法）want to get a better job after graduation, but many aspectsare considered by employers otherthan the GPA or the ability to work. Good manners, abilities to communicate with bossess （1.boss复数是bosses，不是bossess2. boss口语化3.boss词比较男性化，有男权主义之嫌，建议改为我写的：）the employers or supervisors are also important. Students has to show these abilities in their interviews. Theseare something teachers do not mention in the classes,so preparations for theinterviewing seems to be of great importance. A survey conducted by the ChinesStudy Agency(CSA) indicates that students who once got the preparation classesare of higher hire rate than thoes who did not get such classes. At this point,I think the importance of the preparation for students is obvious. 整段：段首主题句应该提出观点，你只是提出了现象，把后半截补充完整会有更好的logic

Last but not the least, preparations will be good to universities, (逗号可以去掉，不去掉也可以)too. If most students of the university can get good jobs,the reputation of the university will be boosted. More students, therefore,will apply the university.In long-term aspect to universities. the universitiesshould prepare students before students graduate.

From allaspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that（好句型） universtiies should provide some more （完了，这个词暴露了你通篇逻辑就不对，分数就会…一定要注意是more…）preparations for graduating students.Even if studying in the university without thinking other things will be a goodcircumstance for study. Do not forget what is most students longing for. a goodjob. Preparations A better preparation is just what they need before they graduate.


总结：
1. 第一印象：看得出lz花了不少力气学英语，很多句型和用词都是亮点，特别开篇让人眼前一亮一下子就赢得非常好的第一印象。
2.逻辑：a.审题：首先一定要仔细审题，本文问题不是some preperation，而是more prepration，if这个没有搞对对，全篇逻辑论证就。。。
           b.段内逻辑：lz用了first等表示逻辑关系的词汇，但是话说了半截，并没有亮出观点，硬伤啊。。。但是其实你第一段的引出就非常自然。。。感觉你这方面发挥不稳定，好的时候能特别抢眼。。。
3.总体而言：lz有非常不错的潜力，首段末段句型都非常好、逻辑也比较清晰，段中也有一些不错的用词，只是没有审清题目，会影响通篇的，可惜了。。。个别句子的组织和词汇的使用有中式思维问题，但是审题错误导致的逻辑失误是最大的硬伤。。。

45573asdasd

We always see successful people stand on the stage， giving inspiring speeches.they talk in their own styles and show confidence.It seems everyone likes them. Therefore, some commentators conclud that the reason why these successful people can make progresses is that they are good at communicating and have good character. Is that the real reason? For me the answer is negative. Because factors other than the character or the communication skill outweigh. My reasons will substantiate my opinion below.

To begin with, how can we forget the education which we have received from childhood that hard-working makes great? in today's society, good ability to communicate with others will be an advantage but not the core factor. imainge that, If the employer ask what profit can you bring in his company, and you answer him that you have a good personal character and ability to communicatewith others. The answer is obvious that you will lose this job. Not until a person creates some certain achievement can he be accepted by others. In term of the success, hard-working is the most important factor lead to success to the majority.

In addition, sometimes the luck plays a significant role in the way to success.We can see many people who are talented and hard-working but still fail. Myriads of instances can prove the use of luck. I might cite some bussiness men in China to explian the power of luck. In early years in China, the lands are very cheap in China, and a group of people has some spare money. In addition, the goods then are limited by government, so they bought a lot of houses. No more than five years, China started to develop in an amazing speed, and the price of the lands got higher and higher. A survey conducted by the Chinese Wealth Daily(CWD) indicated that the wealth of these people multipled twenty times in five years. They succeed,they became millionaires, without personal character or communication skill.

Last but not the least, different people will define success in different ways. For instance, some thinks a happy family is successful while some take the achievement in the work as success. Since it is very hard to judge what is the success. we can never know whether the character，communication skill or other factors are important to success.

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that even if the character and the communication skill are very crucial to people's success in that they enable people to get more friends and larger social circle. But they are never the most important factors which lead people to success. Hard-working, luck,are more essential. What is more, the uncertain definition of successful people also makes the topic unjustifiable.

45573asdasd

大家好，我是sb，又看错题了，其实communication skill 是在character里面的吧？ 我理解成他俩并列了。。。但是这基本上不影响逻辑的方向。

1369179610

We always see（wonder why） successful people can stand on the stage， giving inspiring speeches.they and talking in their own styles and plus showing confidence.It seems everyone likes them. Therefore,recently some commentators conclude that the reason why these successful people can make progresses is that they are good at communicating and have good characters. Is that the real reason? For me the answer is negative. Because factors other than the character or the communication skill outweigh. My reasons will substantiate my opinion below.（很好的过渡~~）

To begin with, how can we forget the education which we have received from childhood that hard-working makes great? in today's society, good ability to communicate with others will be an advantage but not the core factor. imainge(imagine) that, If the employer ask what profit can you bring in his company, and you answer him that you have a good personal character and ability to communicate with others. The answer It is obvious that you will lose this job. Not until a person creates some certain achievement can he be accepted by others. In term of the success, hard-working is the most important factor lead to success to the majority.

In addition, sometimes the luck plays a significant role in the way to success.We can see many people who are talented and hard-working but still fail. Myriads of instances can prove the use of luck. I might cite some businessmen in China to explian the power of luck. In early years in of China, the lands are very cheap in China, and a group of people has some spare money. In addition,at that time, the goods then are limited by government, so they bought a lot of houses. No more than five years, China started to develop in an amazing speed, and the price of the lands got higher and higher. A survey conducted by the Chinese Wealth Daily(CWD) indicated that the wealth of these people multipled twenty times in five years. They succeed,they became millionaires, without personal character or communication skill.(再加一句，是幸运的赶上了好时机让他们富起来的。写的很紧凑~~)

Last but not the least, different people will define success in different ways. For instance, some thinks a happy family is successful while some take the achievement in the work as success. Since it is very hard to judge what is the success. we can never know whether the character，communication skill or other factors are important to success. （句子很流畅，只是说服力不够强，因为即便是不同的成功最关键的能力可以是一样的，而例子中未点明为何会不一样。）

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that even if the character and the communication skill are(is) very crucial to people's success in that they enable people to get more friends and larger social circle. But they are never the most important factors which lead people to success. Hard-working, luck,are more essential. What is more, the uncertain definition of successful people also makes the topic unjustifiable.结尾一如既往的好~~

我原以为你会再写一篇，不过练习很多啦，不着急。亮点的地方有很多啦，逻辑和说服力方面还可以再提升。加油~~

1369179610

asd君，我真的很笨的，怎么就不问问你会不会再写一篇呢。。。害你久等，对不起。

cooperdw

We always see successful people stand on the stage， giving inspiring speeches.they talk in their own styles and show confidence->此句话似乎和你后面的一句关系不太大,是否可以改成( talks about their saga which we deeply admire it :谈论着那些我们深深崇拜的英雄事迹).It seems everyone likes them. Therefore, some commentators conclude that the reason why these successful people can make progresses is that they are good at communicating ->communication and have good->(形容词是否可以更确切一些, tough,dogged都可以更精确的表达) character. Is that the real reason? For me the answer is negative.Because factors other than the character or the communication skill outweigh->(少了个宾语outweigh sth). My reasons will substantiate my opinion below.

To begin with, how can we forget the education which we have received from childhood that hard-working makes great? in today's society, good ability to communicate with others will be an advantage but not the core factor. Imainge->imagine that, If the employer ask what profit can you bring in his company, and you answer him->(表达稍显古板，改成your answer is 会不会好点？) that you have a good personal character->personality and ability to communicatewith others. The answer is obvious that you will lose this job ->(还是表达的问题，改成I’m sure you will get nothing but rejection可能会稍微增加些色彩). Not until a person creates some certain achievement can he be accepted by others. In term of the success->(挺好，换成in conclusion会不会比较简洁，而且你后面一句还有总结性的话里面也有success。或者将后面的success换另外一个词), hard-working is the most important factor lead to success to the majority.

In addition, sometimes the luck plays a significant role in the way to success.We can see many people who are talented and hard-working but still fail. Myriads of instances can prove the use of luck. I might cite some bussiness men in China
to explian the power of luck. In->去掉early years in China, the lands are very cheap in China->去掉, and a group of people has some spare->(感觉有点生硬，是否可以换一种方式表达) money. In addition, the goods then are limited by government, so they bought a lot of houses. No more ->(less)than five years, China started to develop in an amazing speed->(China’s economic has boom with incredible speed这样表达会不会比较好点？), and the price of the lands got higher and higher. A survey conducted by the Chinese Wealth Daily(CWD) indicated that the wealth of these people multipled twenty times in five years. They succeed ,they->and(直接用and链接) became millionaires, without personal character or communication skill.

Last but not the least, different people will define success in different ways. For instance, some->someone thinks a happy family is successful while some take the achievement in the work as success. Since it is very hard to judge what is the success. we can never know whether the character，communication skill or other factors are important to success.

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that even if->(去掉) the character and the communication skill are very crucial to people's success in that they enable people to get more friends and larger social circle. But they are never the most important factors which lead people to success. Hard-working, luck,are more essential. What is more, the uncertain definition of successful people also makes the topic unjustifiable.


楼主的对于句式运用的多样化是我要学习的，而且有的句子写的真的很不错，一点拙见：
1  表达可以更加多样化
2  对于部分句子的细节把握再好一点就完美了

45573asdasd

We always see successful people stand on the stage， giving inspiring speeches.they talk in their own styles and show confidence->此句话似乎和你后面的一句关系不太大,是否可以改成( talks about their saga which we deeply admire it :谈论着那些我们深深崇拜的英雄事迹).It seems everyone likes them. Therefore, some commentators conclude that the reason why these successful people can make progresses is that they are good at communicating ->communication and have good->(形容词是否可以更确切一些, tough,dogged都可以更精确的表达) character. Is that the real reason? For me the answer is negative.Because factors other than the character or the communication skill outweigh->(少了个宾语outweigh sth). My reasons will substantiate my opinion below.

To begin with, how can we forget the education which we have received from childhood that hard-working makes great? in today's society, good ability to communicate with others will be an advantage but not the core factor. Imainge->imagine that, If the employer ask what profit can you bring in his company, and you answer him->(表达稍显古板，改成your answer is 会不会好点？) that you have a good personal character->personality and ability to communicatewith others. The answer is obvious that you will lose this job ->(还是表达的问题，改成I’m sure you will get nothing but rejection可能会稍微增加些色彩). Not until a person creates some certain achievement can he be accepted by others. In term of the success->(挺好，换成in conclusion会不会比较简洁，而且你后面一句还有总结性的话里面也有success。或者将后面的success换另外一个词), hard-working is the most important factor lead to success to the majority.

In addition, sometimes the luck plays a significant role in the way to success.We can see many people who are talented and hard-working but still fail. Myriads of instances can prove the use of luck. I might cite some bussiness men in China
to explian the power of luck. In->去掉early years in China, the lands are very cheap in China->去掉, and a group of people has some spare->(感觉有点生硬，是否可以换一种方式表达) money. In addition, the goods then are limited by government, so they bought a lot of houses. No more ->(less)than five years, China started to develop in an amazing speed->(China’s economic has boom with incredible speed这样表达会不会比较好点？), and the price of the lands got higher and higher. A survey conducted by the Chinese Wealth Daily(CWD) indicated that the wealth of these people multipled twenty times in five years. They succeed ,they->and(直接用and链接) became millionaires, without personal character or communication skill.

Last but not the least, different people will define success in different ways. For instance, some->someone thinks a happy family is successful while some take the achievement in the work as success. Since it is very hard to judge what is the success. we can never know whether the character，communication skill or other factors are important to success.

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that even if->(去掉) the character and the communication skill are very crucial to people's success in that they enable people to get more friends and larger social circle. But they are never the most important factors which lead people to success. Hard-working, luck,are more essential. What is more, the uncertain definition of successful people also makes the topic unjustifiable.


楼主的对于句式运用的多样化是我要学习的，而且有的句子写的真的很不错，一点拙见：
1  表达可以更加多样化
2  对于部分句子的细节把握再好一点就完美了

-- by 会员 cooperdw (2012/12/14 11:06:50)

仁兄说的极是，今天我再写的时候一定会注意多样化表达，老是good good，的确实显得too simple了。

45573asdasd

asd君，我真的很笨的，怎么就不问问你会不会再写一篇呢。。。害你久等，对不起。

-- by 会员 1369179610 (2012/12/14 10:34:08)

没问题啦~老朋友了，这最后一个主体段是我看还剩4分钟，临时起意写的，确实不够严谨。

45573asdasd

Patient is usually not a good thing, we should take actions at once.

Recently， a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that whether taking action instantly is a better choice than being patient. For me I hold the definite opinion that the patience owns a more far-reaching effect in our daily life, no matter in study or in the work. My following reasons will substantiate my opinion.

To begin with, have you ever had the experience in the childhood that the questions answered in last few minutes in exams always turned out to be wrong? If you have, I think you might stand on my side that the impancience and hasty always lead us into problems. We always want to make somne progress quickly, but what we forget is that the patience always help us succeed. Let me take an example from Edsion,not the one took photoes,but the one who invented a lot of great devices. Edsion wanted to invent a device which could bring people light.It is a huge work. Through millions of experiments and failures. He did it. Even clever as he is,he always keep patient and hardworking. I think we can not emphasize the  patience too much.

In addition, taking action without adequate consideration may lead to grate catastrophe. Because without enought time, some crucial things could not be taken into consideration. I might cite an early story about Chinese spacecraft as an example. It was 1989 that Chinese government wanted to send a spacecraft into the outer space to show the country's power. But the device exploded in its way to sky quickly after being set off. All Chinese people were sad about. Finally the result turned out to be a little device got loosen owing to a researcher's carelessness. So I think this great tragedy informs us that by no means could we forget the significance of the patience, because it related to our health, to out prosperity and even to our lives.

Last but not least, being patience also makes a good personality. We grow up and meet a lot people. ifound I like people who always be patient to me. My high school teacherMR. Wang, he always show his great patience in our study. We were the No.1 class in the final exam and we all liked him very much. In term of the personality. I think patience is more important

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully. I can draw the conclusion that we should emphasize on patience more. Even if some times taking actions will provide more opportunities. But as the saying goes, every coin has its two sides. Being too fast may lead to nightmares. While being patient is like an insurance, always keeping us out of trouble.

1369179610

Recently， a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that whether taking action instantly is a better choice than being patient. For me I hold the definite opinion that the patience owns a more far-reaching effect in our daily life, no matter in study or in the work(论点很鲜明~). My following reasons will substantiate my opinion.

To begin with, have you ever had the experience in the childhood that the questions answered in last few minutes in exams always turned out to be wrong? If you have, I think you might stand on my side that the impancience and hasty always lead us into problems. We always want to make somne progress quickly, but what we forget is that the patience alwayscould virtually help us succeed.（这么写比原句更强调patience） Let me take an example from Edsion,not the one took photoes,but the one who invented a lot of great devices. （asd君，越练到后面，简洁越为上策）Edsion wanted to invent a device which could bring people light.It is a huge work. Through millions of experiments and failures. He did it. Even clever as he is,he always keep patient and hardworking. I think we can not emphasize the  patience too much. (用这个句型：the impact that...have on our lives can never be overemphasized.)

In addition, taking action without adequate consideration（不要加条件，否则偏题，题目中问的是taking actions quickly 好不好，不是taking action在某个前提下好不好。你可以说taking actions at once probably results in inadequate consideration） may lead to grate catastrophe（词用的太大了，海啸才叫catastrophe）. Because without enought time, some crucial things could not be taken into consideration. I might cite an early story about Chinese spacecraft as an example. It was 1989 that Chinese government wanted to send a spacecraft into the outer space to show the country's power. But the device exploded in its way to sky quickly after being set off. All Chinese people were sad about. （可以直接写成There was a shame happened in 1989 in Chinese history of space activities.A spacecraft exploded quickly after being set off just because of one researcher's careless mistake: ...  ）Finally the result turned out to be a little device got loosen owing to a researcher's carelessness. So I think this great tragedy informs us that by no means could we forget the significance of the patience, because it related to our health, to out prosperity and even to our lives.

Last but not least, being patience also makes a good personality. We grow up and meet a lot people. ifound I like people who always be patient to me. My high school teacherMR. Wang, he always show his great patience in our study. We were the No.1 class in the final exam and we all liked him very much. In term of the personality. I think patience is more important

From all aspects taken into consideration carefully. I can draw the conclusion that we should emphasize on patience more. Even if some times taking actions will provide more opportunities. But as the saying goes, every coin has its two sides. Being too fast may lead to nightmares. While being patient is like an insurance, always keeping us out of trouble.(点题，不错~~~)

asd君，拼写和搭配上还有些小错误，我就略掉了。这篇文章总体来说写的不错。