12.9.独立修改 Do you agree or disagree : The opinions of celebrities, such as certain entertainers and athletes, are more important for younger people than older people.
纳尼？审题错误！那我就照着你的意思改了！
Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that whether the opinions from famous people are more important for the young to know than those from elder people. Eventhough the celebrities sometimes represent the headquarter in some certain fields. For me, I think learning from the elder people are more important in today. My foolwing(没看懂，没查到) reasons will substantiate my opinion.
To begin with, the opinions from famous people might not be the correct ones. Because some of the celebrities are of poor knowledge, such as some movie stars and some singers. They do not got much knowledge. How can they teach the young? In addition, Have you heard the story thata star drives the car after drinking a lot of wine? Have you ever heardbut the politician takes advantage of his privilege to help him avoid punishment. If you have so, you might stand on my side. Some celebrities themselves are of poor personal ethics. How can they give the correct opinions to the children? How can they set the example for the young people? The celebrities are not necessarily representing the right side. By contrast, the elder, they took spent all their lives to seeing things and people. They have a good sense of the rightness owing to theirexperience. They can tell the difference fromright and wrong. They can also provide some tips related closely to the daily life. At this point the older people's opinions are more important.
这一段论据有点重复，有些句子可以去掉，你的字数是够的。大量的排比但又是一般的句子不能堆砌太满。
In addition, let me put aside the opinion itself. What does an old man need most?Money? Cars? None of them areismore important than a short conversation with his son or grandson. In today's high-velocity society, people are always too busy, therefore, they always ignore what is the most valuable thing for old people. They always chase starts. Theycan spend all their salary to attending a concert, but they always forget tolisten to the old people's words. The old people always feel lonely. It is something that should not happen. At this point, I think it is human-kind to listento old people's opinions, no matter they are right or wrong. Because it is thecommunication what the old need.
就你的审题而言，我感觉这段也偏题了。还是那个问题，论据重复，显得没有层次性。
From all aspects taken into consideration carefully above, I can safely draw the conclusion that listening to the old people's opinions are more important than listening to the celebrities. Because the famous people will also make mistakes, while the old people are more experienced in some certain fields. Second, it is the communication that the old people need most. we should care them and let them feel less lonely.
Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that whether the opinions from famous people are more important for the young to know than those from elder people. Eventhough the celebrities sometimes represent the headquarter(这个headquarter的用法不太同意，而且应该是复数headquarters才对) in some certain fields. For me, I think learning from the elder people are(is) more important in today. My foolwing（following） reasons will substantiate my opinion.
To begin with, the opinions（后面是单数的correct one，这里也该用单数？） from famous people might not be the correct one. Because some of the celebrities are of poor knowledge（这里的 are of poor knowledge我觉得有点问题，用are uneducated会不会比较好,I am uncertain too） such as some movie stars and some singers. They (这里的t需要大写) do not got much knowledge. How can they teach the young? In addition, Have（不是句子开头h不需大写） you heard the story a star drives（这里用过去时比较好？不确定）the car after drinking a lot of wine? Have （you） ever heard the politician take advantage of his previlige（privilege）? If you have so, you might stand on my side. Some celebrities themselves are of poor personal ethics. How can they give the correct opinions to the children? How can they set up the example for the young people? The celebrities are（后面是动词应该改为do） not necessarily represent the right side. By contrast, the elder, they took all their lives to see things and people. They have a good sense of the rightness owing to the（their） experience. They can tell the difference from right and wrong. Tehy （they）can also provide some tips related closely to the daily life. At this point the older people's opinions are more important.
In addition, let me put aside the opinion itself. What does an old man need most? money? cars? None of them are more important than a short conversation with his son or grandson. In today's high-velocity society, people are always too busy, therefore, they always ignore what is the most valuable thing for old people. They always chase starts（stars）. They can spend all their salary to attend a concert, but they （一个句子里的代词可以省略）always forget （to）listen to the old people's words.（Therefore 很多句子后加个转折词） The old people always feel lonely. It is something should not happen. At this point, I think it is human-kind （humankind）to listent （listen） to old people's opinions no matter they are right or wrong. Because it is communication what the old need.
From all aspects taken into consideration carefully above, I can safely draw the conclusion that listening to the old people's opinions are more important than listening to the celebrities. Because the famous people will also make mistakes, while the old people are more experienced in some（这里用many更合适，因为名人也对某些领域很在行） certain fields. Second, it is the communication that the old people need most. we （w大写）should care them and let them feel less lonely.
12.10 独立 Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that which factor has a more effect on the happiness of people.Jobs? or Social life? Just as the saying goes that one hunderd people will have one hunderd Shake Spears in their minds. This saying also apply to this issue. Different people will have their own opinions. For me , I totally agree that the job has a far-reaching impact on the happiness of people.
To begin with, one of the early writers once said that work always brings me the pure joy. The sense of achievement is,undeniable, a basic form of happiness. It is the hard-working that bings sense of achievement. People around us always prove this saying.When Wright Brothers planed to invent the most striking device,the plane. they faced myriads of diffuculties. But they said that when they saw their most valuable invention flying in the ble sky. There is nothing better than that. At this point , I think the jobs can indeed bring the happiness to people.
In addition, jobs are the most basic thing for people to make a living and for them to meet the basic need. In today's high-velocity society, people have to deal with countless problems such as the debts for car and the expense of the cloths. All these things are not for free. Therefore, if we have a fat salary job. we will live an easier life. Image that, Tom has a bing house with a swimming pool, drinking the Laffet wine. While Jack just owns some friends and lacks money. who is happier? the Tom of course. So I think job has more effect on people's happiness in reality.
Last but not the least, the reason why we should pay more attention to the job is that jobs also brings a good social life. common sense informs us that the elites are not always the people who are good at communicating with others but the people who are good at their jobs. Take a famous writer Mo Yan as an example. He is a person who is not good at social life. But after he won the Nobel prize, many people copme to find him and make friends with him. So it is obvious that the good job makes a good social life.
From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that the job indeed has moreeffect on the happiness. Even if the social life can sometimes bing some advantages such as friends and good repution. I think the pure excitment ahd happiness brought by job outweighs.
Recently, a controversial issue has been brought into our eye-sights that which factor has a more effect on the happiness of people.Jobs? or Social life? Just as the saying goes that one hunderd people will have one hunderd Shake Spears in their minds. This saying also applies to this issue. Different people will never have their ownsame opinions. For me , I totally agree that the a job has a far-reaching impact on the happiness of people.
To begin with, one of the early famous writers once puts（“某厉害角色说”的固定用法，虽说只是复述，但是考试的时候不用计较真假。）that work always brings me the pure joy. The sense of achievement is,undeniable, a basic form of happiness.And It should go without saying that hard-working would bring the sense of achievement. People around us always prove this saying.When Wright Brothers planed to invent the most striking device,the plane. they faced myriads of diffuculties. But they said that when they saw their most valuable invention flying in the blue sky. There is nothing better than that. At this point , I think the jobs can indeed bring the happiness to people. 很流畅嘛~只是，asd君，个例再精彩还是难代表群众啊，何况怀特兄弟不是我们身边的人。这段的支持论点再斟酌斟酌。
In addition, jobs are the most basic thing for people to make a living and for them to meet the basic need. In today's high-velocity society, people have to deal with countless problems such as the debts for car and the expense of the cloths. All these things are not for free. Therefore, if we have a fat salary job. we will live an easier life. ImageImagine that, Tom has a big house with a swimming pool, drinking the Laffet wine. While Jack just owns some friends and lacks money. who is happier? the Tom of course. So I think job has more effect on people's happiness in reality.(这个例子也是个例啦~)
Last but not the least, the reason why we should pay more attention to the job is that jobs also brings a good social life.（这个观点牛啊，我也有点觉得工作比较幸福了~）common sense informs us that the elites are not always the people who are good at communicating with others but the people who are good at their jobs. Take a famous writer Mo Yan as an example. He is a person who is not good at social life. But after he won the Nobel prize, many people copme to find him and make friends with him. So it is obvious that the good job makes a good social life.（这段很精彩~）
From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the conclusion that the job indeed has more effect on the happiness. Even if the social life can sometimes bring some advantages such as friends and good reputation, I think the pure excitment and happiness brought by job outweighs.
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发表于 2012-12-10 12:15:22
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