9.3 独立修改 Usually people get a lot of pressure(stressful) every day that they tend to spend money on traveling and vacation to have a rest. They regard travel as a means of relaxing. However, I prefer saving money for future(the future future前是一定要加the ). In my perspective, there are so many ways to get relaxed that we can use money in a more proper way, such as investment.
Firstly, life is full of unexpected affairs（affair这个词有一种贬义，在口语中常用于婚外恋用urgency/exigence/emergency）that we need to save money for them. Spending all the money on traveling or vacation is irrational. Once you get ill, it’s really dangerous （很危险？？anxious/despairing）that you don’t have enough money to pay for the medical expenses. Maybe you don’t recognize such things when planning for a trip, but we are adults that we should be responsible for our behaviors. It’s never too early to plan for the future. Keep some money in case of accidents is wise. Actually, life is so precious that it cannot bear risks. (这后三个句子，一句话来讲就是 Depositing for the future is essential as it is unpredictable.觉得最后收尾很啰嗦，能有个更好的具体例子，数据可以去支持这个论点就更好了)
Secondly, saving money can be beneficial because banks have several services that help their customers invest in financial markets.（这论点句，更应该强调saving money怎么给未来带来了好处了）Specialists can always do better than amateur investors. Though traveling can give you an unforgettable experience, to most people, money is more important in daily life. In this way, we’ll have more money for future that we don’t need to give up opportunities because of the lack of money. Regretis(????) useless if you lose the chances one day in the future. (我觉得这个段落，有点缺乏逻辑性。跟上个段落一样，没有具体点的例子，显得会很没有说服力，很空洞)
Thirdly, (last but not least, 一，二，三这么来感觉有点死板啊)the more money deposited in banks, he better service banks may offer. For example, if you have the VIP card of a bank, you can rest in the special room while waiting for the plane.(上两个段落要是有这种例子就更好了) Traveling can only give you a sense of satisfaction for a period of time while you can find such special services almost everywhere.
We can’t deny that the memory about traveling is priceless but life is more than entertainment.（有个让步显得更加完整了） We need to concern more. From this point, saving money for future is a better choice comparing to spending money on traveling and vocation.
Agree/disagree: an efficient leader will always try tomake everyone feel that he’s in part of a decision making
Most of projects today require teamwork alot because they are so difficult for a single person to finish. The corporationamong members is so important that everybody should participate in makingdecisions. I think an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feelthat he’s in part of that process.
Firstly, the sense of participation makespeople have a higher efficiency because they think that doing the job is out oftheir own interests. It’s not surprising that stock holders care more about theoperation of a firm that its employees. A higher efficiency can help save timeto do other work so that we can achieve more in a certain period of time. Actually,as information spreads quickly, time is important. In this aspect, a higherefficiency means a lot. It can give you an advantage over other competitorsworldwide.
Secondly, if the leader makes everyone feelthat he’s in part of a decision making, most of the members may be loyal to theteam. The sense of belonging helps enhance the relationship among members thatthey will protect the interests of the group subconsciously. The participationforms a connection between members and the team so that they regard themselvesthe owners. Obviously, no one will do harm to his possessions. A team withloyal members can make great success.
Thirdly, the sense of recognition mayattract other talented people to join the team, which really contributes to thedevelopment of the group. Though the achievement of a team is irrelevant to thesize of it, we can’t deny that the more people we have, the more things we cando, especially when members are all elites. People need recognition, which isquite rare today. If the leader offers such recognition, many people will applyfor the position so that we have various choices. Among all the applicants, wecan definitely choose the most suitable one. The team will develop better dayby day.
An efficient leader should make everyonefeel that he’s part of a decision making because it has so many advantages. It cannot only help the leader make the career advancement, but also give otherpeople opportunities to show their talent.
9.3 独立修改 Usually people get a lot of pressure(stressful) every day that they tend to spend money on traveling and vacation to have a rest. They regard travel as a means of relaxing. However, I prefer saving money for future(the future future前是一定要加the ). In my perspective, there are so many ways to get relaxed that we can use money in a more proper way, such as investment.
Firstly, life is full of unexpected affairs（affair这个词有一种贬义，在口语中常用于婚外恋用urgency/exigence/emergency）that we need to save money for them. Spending all the money on traveling or vacation is irrational. Once you get ill, it’s really dangerous （很危险？？anxious/despairing）that you don’t have enough money to pay for the medical expenses. Maybe you don’t recognize such things when planning for a trip, but we are adults that we should be responsible for our behaviors. It’s never too early to plan for the future. Keep some money in case of accidents is wise. Actually, life is so precious that it cannot bear risks. (这后三个句子，一句话来讲就是 Depositing for the future is essential as it is unpredictable.觉得最后收尾很啰嗦，能有个更好的具体例子，数据可以去支持这个论点就更好了)
Secondly, saving money can be beneficial because banks have several services that help their customers invest in financial markets.（这论点句，更应该强调saving money怎么给未来带来了好处了）Specialists can always do better than amateur investors. Though traveling can give you an unforgettable experience, to most people, money is more important in daily life. In this way, we’ll have more money for future that we don’t need to give up opportunities because of the lack of money. Regretis(????) useless if you lose the chances one day in the future. (我觉得这个段落，有点缺乏逻辑性。跟上个段落一样，没有具体点的例子，显得会很没有说服力，很空洞)
Thirdly, (last but not least, 一，二，三这么来感觉有点死板啊)the more money deposited in banks, he better service banks may offer. For example, if you have the VIP card of a bank, you can rest in the special room while waiting for the plane.(上两个段落要是有这种例子就更好了) Traveling can only give you a sense of satisfaction for a period of time while you can find such special services almost everywhere.
We can’t deny that the memory about traveling is priceless but life is more than entertainment.（有个让步显得更加完整了） We need to concern more. From this point, saving money for future is a better choice comparing to spending money on traveling and vocation.
Most of projects today require teamwork a lot because they are so difficult for a single person to finish. (这里的逻辑主语是projects,这么写会有a single person finish all these projects的赶脚。那么改成so difficult to be finished by a single person会不会更好？)The corporation among members is so important that everybody should participate in making decisions.（这里用一个逻辑词把前面的话和你这句结论连接起来比较好，thus怎么样？） I think an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he’s in part of that process.
Firstly, the sense of participation makes people have a higher efficiency because they think that doing the job is out of their own interests.（这一句表示没有搞懂熊熊的意思= = 为什么是out of their interests使得雇员有了更高的效率？而且应该是想表达”将会使得”的意思吧？because it will makes them feel that they are doing…去掉is ） It’s not surprising that stock holders care more about the operation of a firm that（笔误啦） its employees. A higher efficiency can help save time to do other work so that we can achieve more in a certain period of time. Actually, as information spreads quickly, time is important. In this aspect, a higher efficiency means a lot. It can give you an advantage over other competitors worldwide.(这一段用了很多can，建议使用一些其他高级一些的词汇，或者换句型) 这一段后面都在论述efficiency的重要性，脱离了本意。可以在最后加上一句Thus the leader will be pleased to improve the efficiency of his or her employees. 你觉得呢？可以讨论一下这一段，怕我说得不好哈
Secondly, if the leader makes everyone feel that he’s in part of a decision making, most of the members may be loyal to the team. The sense of belonging helps enhance the relationship among members that (这个that怪怪的，是想表达以至于的意思吧?so that. 但是这样改的话，这句跟下一句就太重合了- -肿么办)they will protect the interests of the group subconsciously. The participation forms a connection between members and the team so that they regard themselves the owners. Obviously, no one will do harm to his possessions. A team with loyal members can make a great success.
Thirdly, the sense of recognition may attract other talented people to join the team, which really contributes to the development of the group. Though the achievement of a team is irrelevant to the size of it, we can’t deny that the more people we have, the more things we can do,(.) especially when members are all elites. People need recognition, which is quite rare today. If the leader offers such recognition, many people will apply for the position so that we(we? they will) have various choices. Among all the applicants, we can definitely choose the most suitable one. The team will develop better day by day.
An efficient leader should make everyone feel that he’s part of a decision making because it has so many advantages. It can not only help the leader make the career advancement, but also give other people opportunities to show their talent.这样结尾好唐突。再强调一遍自己的观点。
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发表于 2012-9-4 09:57:30
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