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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:similar jobs with you for your children?
When it’s time for children to choose jobs, parents have various thoughts. Some parents want to persuade their children to do the same job as they do because they want to help children have a better future,(while)Others ask children to make their own decisions. (合成一句意思会比较连贯)I’m in favor of the latter opinion because choosing a suitable job relies on self-perception.
To start with, thanks to the improvement of technology and society, there are numerous jobs available today that(这个that 跟job隔远了,不好,换一下句型,我想了半天不知道咋改- -) were not existed when our parents were looking for jobs. For example, decades ago, there was no such a job named computer engineer. Meanwhile, there are jobs, like conductors on the bus, disappeared. Society changes that jobs used to be promising may be no longer a good choice today.(还是that的用法不好。我改了下不知能不能这么用,你看看-Since society have changed, job-promising may be no longer a good choice today.) We should choose jobs rationally. (太短了,这是书面语,这样的短句少用。绿光告诉我的- -)Though advice(s)from parents is(are) valuable, it’s just one of facts that should be taken into concern when making decisions.
What’s more, it’s not strange that children have different interests and talents with those of their parents. In my perspective, it’s not wise when choosing jobs regardless of personal characteristic. Take one of my family members as an example. My cousin graduated from university a year ago. When he was looking for jobs, his mom, who was an accountant, kept asking him to do the same job as she did. Actually, my cousin wanted to be are staurant(这是神马- -) manager because he thought he was skilled in communicating and managing(communication and management). At last, he went to graduate school instead. 这个例子跟你这个结论的连接在哪里!逻辑要注意!而且这个例子没有很好地表达你的观点。你可以说你这个堂兄最后选择坚持自己的选择,并且最后成为了一名成功的- -管理者Escape can never solve problems. When choosing a job, we have to think about personal talents.
In addition(Furthermore,好像差不多哦- -), similar jobs now and in the past(你看这里,and前后要并列,一个是now,一个是in the past,怎么行 。similar jobs in different periods) may have different requirements as society changes. For example(前面有for example,这里用for instance吧), cashiers in supermarkets need to know how to operate computers now, but in the past, they just(这个Just应该用在前半句吧) needed to calculate accurately and precisely in a short time. In this aspect, though parents might think that(为啥要加这个that) their children are fit for jobs, they may be not. Besides, we can’t deny that if children do the same jobs as their parents(parents’), parents’ achievements may become burdens(貌似不可数,不过这个单词我之前不会用呢,学到了^^) of children, which give(s) negative effects on their growth.
(In summary Generally speaking,结尾开头用点儿这样的,让阅卷者知道你要结尾了,直接到观点会很突兀)I don’t think it’s a good idea (for children)to do the similar job(s) as (their)parents do. Decisions based on not only parents’ advice, but also personal interests and characteristic of the time are more valuable.(of the time?) Careers are essential for everyone so that we should be rational when making decisions. Influences of emotional factors have to be eliminated.(有种话没说完的感觉,这句话去掉更好)
总的来说,熊熊进步很快哈!我总结一下问题哈: 1. 依然是that的用法要注意,这个问题很严重 2. 字数太少了,可以把段子编长一些。当然字数不是最重要的,论述充分才重要。 3. 注意逻辑结构,一定注意。有了逻辑,才能将例子和观点结合起来。我们举例子是为了让论述更有说服力,如果没有逻辑,那我们就白举例子了啊,是吧^^ 4. 开头进步很多了,继续加油,结尾也要多积累,我也是每次都不知道怎么写结尾。。。有心得了咱俩第一时间交换哈。 5. 尽量少用简写和短句,这是书面语。这个问题我也很严重。 6. 其实这个不算问题- -就稍微注意下,别忘了打空格,看起来有点儿痛苦orz
That ‘s all!继续加油! |
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