重开一个作文贴

winnie98

批改：8.19 综合  TPO 17

The lecture talks about the claim listed in the reading passage that the number of birds in the United States will necessarily decline is unconvincing. According to the lecture, reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, the lecture indicates that although it is true that human populations and settlements continue to expand, it is not necessarily(necessary) that birds’ natural habitats will continue to disappear as the reading passage says in that there will be larger and better habitats for some birds to live.

When it comes to the native effect of increasing agricultural activities on the number of birds mentioned in the reading passage, the lecture argues that these agricultural activities will not destroy birds habitats so soon since there are more new crops which are very productive. Therefore, people don’t need to quickly convert more wilderness areas into agricultural use.

Last but not the least, the reading passage states that the increasing use of chemical pesticides will significantly leads to declines(the decline) in bird population,(此处句子已经很长了,可以用句号分开) however, according to the lecture, since people have realized this potential results, two changes have been adopted. The first change is that people will use a new pesticide which does little harm to birds. The second change is that new crops will be developed that have something in itself that will be only resistant to insects without harm to birds.
整体结构清晰流畅，first of all那一段的details如果能多描述一下会更好。

ykhjy

8.20 独立your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Job, a thing that occupies a large part time of people’s life, of course has an influence on people’s happiness. However, is the influence of job more than that of one’s social life? It depends on different people’s value for the job. As for me, I believe that my social life is more influential on my happiness. Reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, in my view, no one can just do the job without social life and the job is just a minor part of my life. As a student, study is my first priority, however, it doesn’t mean that it can to great extent decide my happiness since I cannot just study in my daily life. I am an emotional person and some changes happened in my relationship with others may largely affect my happiness. At school, if I have some conflicts with one of my classrooms, I will think about the matter all the time and disincline to study. The same thing can be said of the situation when I am at home. I will have no mood to study if my parents scold me for some trifle things. From this you can see that if the job are more influential on my life, why don’t I just try to get succeed in the job ignoring the matter in my social life?

In addition, in my way of thinking, doing a good job is for gaining a wonderful social life. It is easy to understand. People do some jobs must be for certain goals, some for self-respect, some for higher position, some for higher salaries... Look at me, I am very diligent to be a good student now that I want to have a decent job in the future. Then why do I desire to get such job? I am just looking forward for a beautiful future that I don’t need to worry about my financial problems, thus I can lead a colorful social life.

Of course, as a student, if I gain some progress in my academic area, I will be very happy. However, that’s not just because I have learned something, what is more important to me, in my eye, is that my parents will be glad to witness my progress. Simply put, I am happy because of the happiness of my parents. Thus it is my social life with my parents that leads my happiness to be affected by my performance at school.

In conclusion, the job is only a small part of my life and I consider my social life is more influential on my happiness since the relationships in my life directly determines my happiness .

ykhjy

8.20 综合 TPO 18
The lecture mainly talks about reasons why three ways proposed in the reading passage to address the decline of Torreya are not accessible. According to the lecture, the reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, the lecture indicates that with the influence of global warming, the temperature in the coolest area will increase and the climate there will drier than before. Thus the same location that Torreya cannot be a favorable environment for the trees any more.

When it comes to the way to move Torreya to the area further north in the distant past said in the reading passage, the lecture points out that people have moved another kind of tree in this way, although the trees spread quickly at the beginning, plants now have already become extinct. This case proves that the trees cannot adjust to the new environment.

Last but not the least, the lecture argues that the third way to preserve Torreya in research centers mentioned in the reading passage is not suitable, either. According to the lecture, trees moved to research centers may get diseases which will be genetically diverse, and there is no solution in research center to protect the trees from diseases. Thus the trees cannot survive in the center.

ykhjy

  。。看在小正太的份上。。下次一定得给我改！！

针对8/18的独立和综合写作————————
首先，非常SORRY，第一次和你搭档还来晚了，其它你的写作的昨天就看了，只是有事给回复晚了。

再有，你给我改的写作我也已经很认真的看过了。弱弱地说，那个是我的第三篇独立写作，就这水平还花了我两个多小时啊。555。压力巨增！

最后，我只有很惭愧+心虚地说我我我。。。真的不知道怎么给你改啊，我把你的文章当范文给收藏啦。本来我已经给你的文章句段写了些评语啥的，其实都是夸奖之词，然后我越写越觉得无力啊，这个跟互改的初崇完全不搭啊，而且会感觉没有任何意义也有点空洞，所以我就干脆就不贴上来了。。我只能说以我目前的水平真的不知道怎么改，请你原谅我吧，555。。。

另外，特别谢谢你帮我那边负责认真的批改，我感动ING+无以言谢ING。。。我我我只能以认真练习写作来表达对你的感谢了。

-- by 会员 猫和鸭 (2012/8/20 11:34:01)

ykhjy

是ykhjy。。感谢批改！~ 三个地方：in my eye是不对，不过 in my eyes是可以的；necessarily ... 那句是必需得存在联系么，也是可以的。based on...是根据，也是可以的，不过你的建议 in terms of 很好！~其他的学习啦~~ 但那个however句中转折与前句转折的用法能不能帮我再举个例子？

Ykh

黄色是闪光点，学习，绿色批注红色我改的



8.19 独立Do you agree or disagree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

Can we judge a person’s personality just through the way he or she dressed? Some maybelive（believe）that people with different characters incline to have different ways of dressing, vice verse. However, in my eye( 第一次看见这个，感觉怪怪的，一般用 in my mind, in my point of view, from my perspective, as for me) the way of dressing cannot reflect a person’s whole personality. Many reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, some one may think that the way a person dressed can mirror one’s dressing inclination, thus can reflect one’s personality. However, does it necessarily exist(感觉有点怪，你是想说存在必然联系吗？necessarily 一般作必需地的意思，个人觉得你要说必然联系的话， absolutely更好) a relationship between one’s preference and their（前面是one’s 是单数，后面成了their，这个问题后面还有，要注意啊） own personality? It is questionable. Just think about our daily life, does a person who dresses up neatly necessarily（跟前面一样，用的很奇怪，怎么两副词在一块呢？建议删去）be a person who cares about personal hygiene? It is hard to say. There is such a person: she or he（建议改成”For example, one “这样让你更加明白地感觉你在举例论证，而且更加简洁明了）prefers to（prefer to是用在有多个选择时更偏向于哪种选择，这里感觉不恰当）leave others a good impression（例子有些离题，未点明是通过衣着来体现干净）but actually they are（主语单复数前后不一致） unwilling to clean their rooms. （感觉建议把这句话改成这样更能表达你的意思：For instance, one considered as a neatnik because of his tidy clothing is actually unwilling to clean their rooms）Thus the dressing preference doesn’t necessarily mirror one’s personality.

In addition, given that the way of dressing could reflect one’s certain personality, it is only partial, and sometimes may be inaccurate, in that a person possesses many characters that cannot be identified just through a specific angle. The most arresting case is the stars, like Lady Gaga. As is known to all, Lady Gaga is famous for her shocking dressing style, however,（句中转折用“; However,”，与前句转折用”, however,” 这里为句中转折）） can we judge that Lady Gaga is an open person? The truth is just the opposite as we assume. In fact, Lady Gaga is sort of conservative based on（based on表示以……为基础，如果你是想表达她在婚姻观上保守的话我觉得用in terms of 更好） her value of marriage. Hence we can see, just via the way of dressing, we have no idea one’s whole personality. 例子举的非常好

As a matter of fact, the way a person dressed may even not be able to show one’s preference of dressing. It is possible that for certain reasons such as the requirement of one’s work, he or she has to always dress some clothes that they don’t really like. However, since they always dress like that, others take it as their dressing style. Think about miners. We can see that they always dress some certain suits. However, can we assert that they like the way of current dressing? The answer is obvious no. According to a survey conducted by National Investigation Organization, they have to work over 12 hours with specific labor suits for security. When they come back home after work, they are so tired that don’t even（改成even don’t ） have energy to eat something(anything), let alone considering the dressing.  

这段写的好

In conclusion, seeing the three reasons stated above, one’s the way of dressing cannot indicate one’s own character.（似乎短了点）



看下来的感觉就是第一点有些混乱，但是第二点第三点就正常了

例子都举的非常好，很到位很形象

建议练习写主题句~

-- by 会员 Amashine (2012/8/20 14:23:44)

ykhjy

感谢批改~~  那个 to declines 不能那么写么？我是直接照抄文中的

批改：8.19 综合  TPO 17

The lecture talks about the claim listed in the reading passage that the number of birds in the United States will necessarily decline is unconvincing. According to the lecture, reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, the lecture indicates that although it is true that human populations and settlements continue to expand, it is not necessarily(necessary) that birds’ natural habitats will continue to disappear as the reading passage says in that there will be larger and better habitats for some birds to live.

When it comes to the native effect of increasing agricultural activities on the number of birds mentioned in the reading passage, the lecture argues that these agricultural activities will not destroy birds habitats so soon since there are more new crops which are very productive. Therefore, people don’t need to quickly convert more wilderness areas into agricultural use.

Last but not the least, the reading passage states that the increasing use of chemical pesticides will significantly leads to declines(the decline) in bird population,(此处句子已经很长了,可以用句号分开) however, according to the lecture, since people have realized this potential results, two changes have been adopted. The first change is that people will use a new pesticide which does little harm to birds. The second change is that new crops will be developed that have something in itself that will be only resistant to insects without harm to birds.
整体结构清晰流畅，first of all那一段的details如果能多描述一下会更好。

-- by 会员 winnie98 (2012/8/20 15:46:29)

Amashine

TO ykhjy（这次对了）

A. B, however，C       表示however表示的转折关系是A和B之间的，它作为一个插入语，B和C句子结构不完整，
相当于A. However B，C  

A. B; However，C     表示 However的转折关系是B和C之间的，B和C句子结构都完整，因为分号关系，才写成这样的

ykhjy

To Amashine
哈哈 嗯哪 我明白啦  非常感谢！

TO ykhjy（这次对了）

A. B, however，C       表示however表示的转折关系是A和B之间的，它作为一个插入语，B和C句子结构不完整，
相当于A. However B，C  

A. B; However，C     表示 However的转折关系是B和C之间的，B和C句子结构都完整，因为分号关系，才写成这样的

-- by 会员 Amashine (2012/8/20 19:28:16)

ykhjy

8.21 综合  TPO 19
The buzzer in the listening passage mainly talks about people have a wrong impression on buzzers. According to the buzzer, three reasons regarding some critics for buzzing stated in the reading passage are questionable.

First of all, the buzzer indicates that getting payment from the company doesn’t mean that they will lie to consumers about the buzzed products. In fact, they will tell the truth about the product. For example, he praises the phone because it is really great to use for him.Therefore, the first reason that buzzers always give consumers incorrect information about the buzzed product in the reading passage is disputed.

When it comes to the idea that buzzers often make consumers listen to their endorsement less critically than they should in the reading passage, the buzzer points out that the fact is just the opposite. In reality, it is the consumers that always ask them some questions about the information of the products, such as the price, service, how long they can use and so forth.

Last but not the least, according to the buzzer, the third reason concerning the potential result in the sprad of mistrust and the expectation of dishonesty mentioned in the reading passage is ridiculous. Actually, buzzers just tell their real experience of using the buzzed products to consumers and the information is open to people.

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Job, a thing that occupies a large part time of people’s life, of course has an influence on people’s happiness. However, is the influence of job more than that of one’s social life? It depends on different people’s value for the job. As for me, I believe that my social life is more influential on my happiness. Reasons are stated as follows. (这个开头倒是不错额)

First of all, in my view, no one can just do the job without social life and the job is just a minor part of my（这个换成是one’s 是不是可以更好的和and 前面的对应一下） life. As a student, study is my first priority, however, it doesn’t mean that it can to great extent decide（determine 总是觉得decide不是很准确在这里） my happiness since I cannot just study in my daily life. I am an emotional person and some changes happened in my relationship with others may largely affect my happiness. At school, if I have some conflicts with one of my classrooms（这个是笔误了，classmates）, I will think about the matter all the time and disincline to study. The same thing can be said of the situation when I am at home. I will have no mood to study if my parents scold me for some trifle things. From this you can see that if the job are more influential on my life, why don’t I just try to get succeed in the job ignoring the matter in my social life?

In addition, in my way of thinking, doing a good job is for gaining a wonderful social life. It is easy to understand. People do some jobs must be for certain goals, some for self-respect, some for higher position, some for higher salaries... Look at me, I am very diligent to be a good student now that （这里的that 改为since 可以不？）I want to have a decent job in the future . Then why do I desire to get such job? I am just looking forward for a beautiful future that I don’t need to worry about my financial problems, thus I can lead a colorful social life.

Of course, as a student, if I gain some progress in my academic area, I will be very happy. However, that’s not just because I have learned something, what is more important to me, in my eye, is that my parents will be glad to witness my progress. Simply put, I am happy because of the happiness of my parents. Thus it is my social life with my parents that leads my happiness to be affected by my performance at school.

In conclusion, the job is only a small part of my life and I consider my social life is more influential on my happiness since the relationships in my life directly determines my happiness .

句式很多样额，后两段加个例子更能说明下论点。着比空说理好用的多，而且增加字数。