重开一个作文贴

margrate

8.17 独立 Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?



What is the most important characteristic for a good political or business lead? High intelligence? A good nature?... In my opinion, it should be the ability to take responsibility for mistakes since only if they admit the mistakes can they move on and create a bright future.



First of all, as a good leader, one must own the ability to take responsibility for mistakes since once they acknowledge the mistakes, they can get a chance to work on a really correct （这里有些重复）way to attain their goal. On the contrary, if they have no such a (an)ability to admit the mistakes even they know that they make some wrong decisions, terrible consequences may subsequently come. Let’s look back to cause of the Second World War (这三个字母开头要大写！). If at that time, the leaders of some strong countries, ( àpowerful country 更地道) like(àsuch as 正确表达) British and America, didn’t implement the policy of appeasement or acknowledged their mistake to carry out the policy of appeasement earlier, the loss of the whole world, no matter about the number of people’s lives or the amount of money（此处表达有问题）, may (might) not be so large.



In addition, as is known to all, a leader means the boss of an organization and if the leader insists (主谓一致) on doing something, generally few subordinates will object it even if they have different views. In fact, even if they propose the different prospective, the results may not change since it is the leader who make a final decision. Take Chairman（开头要大写）Mao as an example.<正确表达Take ChairmanMao for example > In 1965 of China, Mao made a decision to cause(àcarry on) a cultural revolution(the Great Cultural Revolution). At that time, no one dared to oppose Mao’s decisions even if they consider the decision as a fault. As a result, the cultural （+revolution）brought people a disaster to China since many innocent and talented people were persecuted. From the case, we can know that if the leader doesn’t possess the ability to take responsibility for mistakes, the results can be incorrigible.



(这样改一下可能会好一些àThe Great Cultural Revolution brought the Chinese people into a disaster in which many innocent and talented people were persecuted.)



【I （尽量不要出现第一人称）concede that owing(àpossessing) a high IQ can aid a leader to be a good one since they can exploit their wit to make contributions to achieving their goal. 】The same thing can be said of a leader with a good temper. With a good nature, the leader is always easier to make friends with their subordinates, which will benefit the cooperation with each other thus they can be accessible to the ultimate goal.

这里论点提出的不够充分，你可以说even though there are many precious attributes that a leaded should possess, the most important is ******. These attributes, such as high IQ, good temper, ***, and so on, join together to help the leader to take responsibility of mistakes, then....

当然我这里说的也不是很充分啦！嘻嘻



In conclusion,the ability of taking responsibility for mistakes is essential for a good leader because on one hand, it is significant for a leader to make a correct decision and on the other hand, without the ability, the results may be terrible since their subordinates are to some extent useless to change the result.（这个地方我没有读明白哦）

例如这个样子：In conclusion, the ability of taking responsibility for mistakes is essential for a good leader because on one hand, which will guide the leader to make a correct decision. Furthermore, in the absence of this ability...

1. 这段话的最大问题在于只有一个句号，如果是独立的句子，不成并列，没有连词，逗号都需要改成句号哦！这个是很大的语法问题。

2. essential, significant 都强调了take responsibility for mistakes的必要性和重要性，但是都没能突出强调它是the most important；

3. the ability of sth. 和the ability to do, 既然已经接的take要用to do



小建议，用词要多样化。本文的用词总体上是比较多样化的，但是有一处：比如原因状语从句中你喜欢用since（这篇文章中一共有6处哦），引导原因状语从句的词很多，还有because, as, since, for，seeing (that), now (that), considering (that)，in that....



总体上，围绕论点的论证有些勉强，可能是因为这个题目的原因



哪里说的不对，要告诉我哦

ykhjy

嗯 改好告诉我一声喔~

抱歉哦，今天有事晚了，writing中+修改你的独立ing

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/18 17:54:45)

ykhjy

非常感谢margrate童鞋！给我改了这么多 哈哈这个 take ...as an example 应该是可以的喔~~
确实觉得这个话题没什么好写。。我的语言不行 准备开始看185

8.17独立 Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?



What is the most important characteristic for a good political or business lead? High intelligence? A good nature?... In my opinion, it should be the ability to take responsibility for mistakes since only if they admit the mistakes can they move on and create a bright future.



First of all, as a good leader, one must own the ability to take responsibility for mistakes since once they acknowledge the mistakes, they can get a chance to work on a really correct （这里有些重复）way to attain their goal. On the contrary, if they have no such a (an)ability to admit the mistakes even they know that they make some wrong decisions, terrible consequences may subsequently come. Let’s look back to cause of the Second World War (这三个字母开头要大写！). If at that time, the leaders of some strong countries, ( àpowerful country 更地道) like(àsuch as 正确表达) British and America, didn’t implement the policy of appeasement or acknowledged their mistake to carry out the policy of appeasement earlier, the loss of the whole world, no matter about the number of people’s lives or the amount of money（此处表达有问题）, may (might) not be so large.



In addition, as is known to all, a leader means the boss of an organization and if the leader insists (主谓一致) on doing something, generally few subordinates will object it even if they have different views. In fact, even if they propose the different prospective, the results may not change since it is the leader who make a final decision. Take Chairman（开头要大写）Mao as an example.<正确表达Take ChairmanMao for example > In 1965 of China, Mao made a decision to cause(àcarry on) a cultural revolution(the Great Cultural Revolution). At that time, no one dared to oppose Mao’s decisions even if they consider the decision as a fault. As a result, the cultural （+revolution）brought people a disaster to China since many innocent and talented people were persecuted. From the case, we can know that if the leader doesn’t possess the ability to take responsibility for mistakes, the results can be incorrigible.



(这样改一下可能会好一些àThe Great Cultural Revolution brought the Chinese people into a disaster in which many innocent and talented people were persecuted.)



【I （尽量不要出现第一人称）concede that owing(àpossessing) a high IQ can aid a leader to be a good one since they can exploit their wit to make contributions to achieving their goal. 】The same thing can be said of a leader with a good temper. With a good nature, the leader is always easier to make friends with their subordinates, which will benefit the cooperation with each other thus they can be accessible to the ultimate goal.

这里论点提出的不够充分，你可以说even though there are many precious attributes that a leaded should possess, the most important is ******. These attributes, such as high IQ, good temper, ***, and so on, join together to help the leader to take responsibility of mistakes, then....

当然我这里说的也不是很充分啦！嘻嘻



In conclusion,the ability of taking responsibility for mistakes is essential for a good leader because on one hand, it is significant for a leader to make a correct decision and on the other hand, without the ability, the results may be terrible since their subordinates are to some extent useless to change the result.（这个地方我没有读明白哦）

例如这个样子：In conclusion, the ability of taking responsibility for mistakes is essential for a good leader because on one hand, which will guide the leader to make a correct decision. Furthermore, in the absence of this ability...

1. 这段话的最大问题在于只有一个句号，如果是独立的句子，不成并列，没有连词，逗号都需要改成句号哦！这个是很大的语法问题。

2. essential, significant 都强调了take responsibility for mistakes的必要性和重要性，但是都没能突出强调它是the most important；

3. the ability of sth. 和the ability to do, 既然已经接的take要用to do



小建议，用词要多样化。本文的用词总体上是比较多样化的，但是有一处：比如原因状语从句中你喜欢用since（这篇文章中一共有6处哦），引导原因状语从句的词很多，还有because, as, since, for，seeing (that), now (that), considering (that)，in that....



总体上，围绕论点的论证有些勉强，可能是因为这个题目的原因



哪里说的不对，要告诉我哦

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/18 17:54:45)

margrate

不好意思啦  我0817的独立刚刚写完，你有时间就帮忙改一下啦，辛苦啦！

超级无敌小鹤鹤

不好意思啦  我0817的独立刚刚写完，你有时间就帮忙改一下啦，辛苦啦！

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/18 21:16:05)

以后最好能早点写完哈~~~ 这样方便同组同学给你修改哈~~~

ykhjy

8.19 独立Do you agree or disagree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

Can we judge a person’s personality just through the way he or she dressed? Some may belive that people with different characters incline to have different ways of dressing, vice verse. However, in my eye, the way of dressing cannot reflect a person’s whole personality. Many reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, some one may think that the way a person dressed can mirror one’s dressing inclination, thus can reflect one’s personality. However, does it necessarily exist a relationship between one’s preference and their own personality? It is questionable. Just think about our daily life, does a person who dresses up neatly necessarily be a person who cares about personal hygiene? It is hard to say. There is such a person: she or he prefers to leave others a good impression but actually they are unwilling to clean their rooms. Thus the dressing preference doesn’t necessarily mirror one’s personality.

In addition, given that the way of dressing could reflect one’s certain personality, it is only partial, and sometimes may be inaccurate, in that a person possesses many characters that cannot be identified just through a specific angle. The most arresting case is the stars, like Lady Gaga. As is known to all, Lady Gaga is famous for her shocking dressing style, however, can we judge that Lady Gaga is an open person? The truth is just the opposite as we assume. In fact, Lady Gaga is sort of conservative based on her value of marriage. Hence we can see, just via the way of dressing, we have no idea one’s whole personality.

As a matter of fact, the way a person dressed may even not be able to show one’s preference of dressing. It is possible that for certain reasons such as the requirement of one’s work, he or she has to always dress some clothes that they don’t really like. However, since they always dress like that, others take it as their dressing style. Think about miners. We can see that they always dress some certain suits. However, can we assert that they like the way of current dressing? The answer is obvious no. According to a survey conducted by National Investigation Organization, they have to work over 12 hours with specific labor suits for security. When they come back home after work, they are so tired that don’t even have energy to eat something, let alone considering the dressing.  

In conclusion, seeing the three reasons stated above, one’s the way of dressing cannot indicate one’s own character.

ps：这篇文章好吐血，陷入逻辑漩涡。。我快对自己无语了

ykhjy

8.19 综合  TPO 17

The lecture talks about the claim listed in the reading passage that the number of birds in the United States will necessarily decline is unconvincing. According to the lecture, reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, the lecture indicates that although it is true that human populations and settlements continue to expand, it is not necessarily that birds’ natural habitats will continue to disappear as the reading passage says in that there will be larger and better habitats for some birds to live.

When it comes to the native effect of increasing agricultural activities on the number of birds mentioned in the reading passage, the lecture argues that these agricultural activities will not destroy birds habitats so soon since there are more new crops which are very productive. Therefore, people don’t need to quickly convert more wilderness areas into agricultural use.

Last but not the least, the reading passage states that the increasing use of chemical pesticides will significantly leads to declines in bird population, however, according to the lecture, since people have realized this potential results, two changes have been adopted. The first change is that people will use a new pesticide which does little harm to birds. The second change is that new crops will be developed that have something in itself that will be only resistant to insects without harm to birds.

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
The lecture （这个用noun吧？） talks about how new rules has changed the situation in three areas of archaeology discussed in the reading passage.第一段好简单额，

First of all, the lecture indicates that any construction will be examined first and if there are some valuable things inside (the sites), archaeologists, builders and government officials will make plans to preserve the artifacts. Thus the problem mentioned in the reading passage that many valuable artifacts were lost (due表示因果关系，) to construction projects will be solved.

When it comes to the second problem stated in the reading passage that some archaeologists thought financial support was inadequate, the lecture points out that in the new rule, the construction company will pay for the initial examination of the site thus enables researchers to study much about the sites（这个写的是很具体，就是具体的细节不全，是听力的小问题）.

Last but not the least, the lecture suggests that the new rule provides many paid work for archaeologists and increased job career chances will increase the number of archaeologists in Britain. Hence the situation regarding difficulty of having a career in archaeology said in the reading passage will be improved.（这个大致意思有了，就是细节也要写出来的）

猫和鸭

针对8/18的独立和综合写作————————
首先，非常SORRY，第一次和你搭档还来晚了，其它你的写作的昨天就看了，只是有事给回复晚了。

再有，你给我改的写作我也已经很认真的看过了。弱弱地说，那个是我的第三篇独立写作，就这水平还花了我两个多小时啊。555。压力巨增！

最后，我只有很惭愧+心虚地说我我我。。。真的不知道怎么给你改啊，我把你的文章当范文给收藏啦。本来我已经给你的文章句段写了些评语啥的，其实都是夸奖之词，然后我越写越觉得无力啊，这个跟互改的初崇完全不搭啊，而且会感觉没有任何意义也有点空洞，所以我就干脆就不贴上来了。。我只能说以我目前的水平真的不知道怎么改，请你原谅我吧，555。。。

另外，特别谢谢你帮我那边负责认真的批改，我感动ING+无以言谢ING。。。我我我只能以认真练习写作来表达对你的感谢了。

Amashine

Ykh

黄色是闪光点，学习，绿色批注红色我改的



8.19 独立Do you agree or disagree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or character

Can we judge a person’s personality just through the way he or she dressed? Some maybelive（believe）that people with different characters incline to have different ways of dressing, vice verse. However, in my eye( 第一次看见这个，感觉怪怪的，一般用 in my mind, in my point of view, from my perspective, as for me) the way of dressing cannot reflect a person’s whole personality. Many reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, some one may think that the way a person dressed can mirror one’s dressing inclination, thus can reflect one’s personality. However, does it necessarily exist(感觉有点怪，你是想说存在必然联系吗？necessarily 一般作必需地的意思，个人觉得你要说必然联系的话， absolutely更好) a relationship between one’s preference and their（前面是one’s 是单数，后面成了their，这个问题后面还有，要注意啊） own personality? It is questionable. Just think about our daily life, does a person who dresses up neatly necessarily（跟前面一样，用的很奇怪，怎么两副词在一块呢？建议删去）be a person who cares about personal hygiene? It is hard to say. There is such a person: she or he（建议改成”For example, one “这样让你更加明白地感觉你在举例论证，而且更加简洁明了）prefers to（prefer to是用在有多个选择时更偏向于哪种选择，这里感觉不恰当）leave others a good impression（例子有些离题，未点明是通过衣着来体现干净）but actually they are（主语单复数前后不一致） unwilling to clean their rooms. （感觉建议把这句话改成这样更能表达你的意思：For instance, one considered as a neatnik because of his tidy clothing is actually unwilling to clean their rooms）Thus the dressing preference doesn’t necessarily mirror one’s personality.

In addition, given that the way of dressing could reflect one’s certain personality, it is only partial, and sometimes may be inaccurate, in that a person possesses many characters that cannot be identified just through a specific angle. The most arresting case is the stars, like Lady Gaga. As is known to all, Lady Gaga is famous for her shocking dressing style, however,（句中转折用“; However,”，与前句转折用”, however,” 这里为句中转折）） can we judge that Lady Gaga is an open person? The truth is just the opposite as we assume. In fact, Lady Gaga is sort of conservative based on（based on表示以……为基础，如果你是想表达她在婚姻观上保守的话我觉得用in terms of 更好） her value of marriage. Hence we can see, just via the way of dressing, we have no idea one’s whole personality. 例子举的非常好

As a matter of fact, the way a person dressed may even not be able to show one’s preference of dressing. It is possible that for certain reasons such as the requirement of one’s work, he or she has to always dress some clothes that they don’t really like. However, since they always dress like that, others take it as their dressing style. Think about miners. We can see that they always dress some certain suits. However, can we assert that they like the way of current dressing? The answer is obvious no. According to a survey conducted by National Investigation Organization, they have to work over 12 hours with specific labor suits for security. When they come back home after work, they are so tired that don’t even（改成even don’t ） have energy to eat something(anything), let alone considering the dressing.  

这段写的好

In conclusion, seeing the three reasons stated above, one’s the way of dressing cannot indicate one’s own character.（似乎短了点）



看下来的感觉就是第一点有些混乱，但是第二点第三点就正常了

例子都举的非常好，很到位很形象

建议练习写主题句~