重开一个作文贴

ykhjy

感谢批改哈 ~~我给你改好啦。下次直接贴上来把  我总觉得我越写越不行啊。。时间上超时语法错误还这么多。。

同学 记得批改我的作文哦~

-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/9/2 12:09:03)

jeffery2541

好的表达黄色高亮，建议蓝色字体，错误红色字体




With the increasingly vicious competition, to be succeed（successful；再者不定式插入在这里，其修饰对象有些模糊）, people need to consider a question that（that） whether they should be similar to others or not. As for me, while people should resemble others in communication prospective, they should own their distinguish thoughts about their products. Reasons are stated as follows.




First of all, in nowadays（nowadays是副词，不能修饰society；可以考虑contemporary） society, it is almost impossible for one to succeed just depends（depending） on himself or herself and cooperation is inevitable in order to attain the goal. Thus, knowing how to communicate with others is a key point for one to succeed. （好例子，但似乎证明力不太强）According to a survey conducted by National Investigation Organization, people incline to make friends with people who have the same hobbies since they have a common topic. In other words, from a communication view, people need to find something in common with others in that people can make friends with others which（who；which一般是非限定性定语从句，最重要的是它不能指代人） may give themselves（them；如果用反身代词的话，意思就变成自己给自己了，那还要friends干嘛） more opportunities to succeed in the future.




However, when it comes to what can make people to succeed（successful或succeed；make后面是宾语和宾语补足语的结构，补语中不用不定式） in oneself（这个in oneself不是很明白是想表达什么意思）, individuals have to offer some advantages, which means you have while others don’t have（是想表达必须有别人没有的优势吗？既然是优势，那就隐含了你有别人没有的意思，如果都有就不叫优势了；如果真的想表达这个意思，可以改一下：…advantages that you have while others don’t）. In my eyes, these advantages, in essentially（副词不可以做介词的宾语；in essential）, originate from one’s own thoughts. If only you have a distinguish thought method（是想说思维方法吗？可能是thinking method，更好的是reasoning pattern） will you（应该不用倒装） make out（make out：书写, 拼凑, 填写；work out可能会好点） something different from others. For example, Steve Jobs, who created great products such as Iphone, without the particular thinking way to make the product especial, he cannot be so successful that （加上he）attracts so many people to be Apple fans.（这个句子中主语重复了，Steve Jobs和he） From these we can see, in order to succeed, you should have your own value and make others see what you can offer that different from others（语法上有点小问题；改成see that what you can offer is different from what is offered by others）.




As a matter of fact, in order to be successful, wether we should be more like others or be different from others, we should also take the situation（what situation？） into consideration. When considering the question, we should not forget why we should find the answer to this question: to succeed. There is no fixed pattern for someone to succeed. To put it simply, we cannot succeed just（by being） be like others or only be（being） different from others since circumstances are various and every decision made to succeed should rely on these various situations. For instance, while in a market that products are almost the same, we should try to be different from others, making out（make out意思不对） distinguish products（这个现在分词结构放在这里很尴尬）, in a market that you have the super position in which no one could compete with you, in order to minimize the cost and maximize the profit, it isn’t necessary for you to produce outstanding products. （句子太长了，意思会不清晰）




In conclusion, seeing different prospectives and different situations, we should be flexible to decide whether we should be more like others or be different from others.








总评：语言上还是有些闪光点的，但是语法错误太多了。
另外，你的观点似乎是那种中立的，我认为这样的观点不太好驾驭。
不要迷恋低频词，超长句。
加油加油！~

xeyyxzty

好吧，第一次给人改作文，又不恰当的地方请多包涵

顺便说一句，我作文的观点和你的相反哦


高亮是很好，红色是我认为有点小问题，绿色是我也不知道是否正确，有待商榷


With the increasingly vicious competition, nowadays people feel much larger pressures ( much-pressures不对吧~改成单数吧) than ever. In order to live a happier life, people incline to find a (an) appropriateway to release oneself (改成themselves对不对我不知道，但是这个应该不对吧…) . While some consider watching movie (或者前面加a，或者变成复数) or reading abook as a good method, others believe that doing physical exercise can givethem more help to relax. Personally speaking, I prefer the latter and reasonsare stated as follows.

First of all, something that can relaxoneself must be something one loves and since I prefer to do physical exercisewhen comparing to watch movie （和上一个movie一个问题） orread a book, I think to do some sports is a better way to help me relax becauseit can assist me to gain a good health which is essential for one’s happiness. (不是说不好，只是你不觉得这个有点长吗？？？个人认为第一个and之前用句号，and省略，直接since开始是第二句话比较好；还有，since和because在一个句子中出现是不是逻辑有一点乱呢，中国人读是没问题啦，但是天知道美国人能不能看得懂~具体如何修改——或者忽略我的想法也好——看你自己咯) Actually, when I was achild, I always got sick. Then my father at that time often encouraged me to dosports like running and he always kept company with me. Afterwards my health is（时态错了was） really getting better and I scarcely needto go to see doctors(直接hospital怎么样？). With a good health, I really live a relaxed life today.

In addition, I’d like to do some sports thatcall for team sprit, such as basketball and (这个词很奇妙~可能会造成别人多误解后面的内容是和basketball并列，改成spirit-likebasketball-and…怎么样？)doing suchsports can be beneficial for me to make friends which may be a catalyst to aidme to relax cause I can share some experiences with friends.（再次出现这种长长的句子，如何处理我不太好说，建议你问一下别的人，如果有结果别忘记告诉我哟~） Take myself as an example. Last semester Ioften felt frustrated when I prepared for the GRE test since although I put allmy heart into preparing it, the model test result was not so good as I expectedthus I was worried about my result in the test day.（好吧，又一次~） Inorder to release, I happened to go to the playground in my school and I saw（是否需要that呢，我不知道，不过直觉是需要~我的语法比较水，仅供参考~或者把were去掉就不需要加that了） some girls were playingbasketball happily. Afterwards, I joined them and soon we become (became)friends. We played and talked to each other and I really gained a lot such asthe beauty of friendship and positive attitude to things via sharing ourfeeling, experiences and opinions which make merelax a lot( which的指代明确吗？我不是很清楚，不过考G的时候意见到这种句子就开始犹豫呀~发一下小牢骚~).

Given watching a movie or reading a book canhelp me relax, doing sports may be a faster way to help to（需要吗？） gain therelaxation（这样可以吗？get relaxed怎么样？）. When I turn to movies and books, I tend to learnsomething from them to relax. It may be some meaningful words, or some valuablecharacteristics. However, all these things require me to have some time tounderstand and maybe only if I have experienced something can I really realizethese meanings. In contrast, via doing sports, I may be high（其实我一直很困惑这个high究竟是个中国人发明的还是美国人~如果你确定有这个用法就OK） in a few minutes if only I perspire.

To sum up, seeing all these benefits statedabove, compared to movie or book, sports can to a larger extent benefit me in the process of finding relaxation（可以吗？find?）.

总体~
就是超长句子很帅气~但是我不知道T中是否能大量应用，而且句子长了逻辑意思就复杂了，关联词多了容易混乱
还有很多我没见过得用法，不知道是否正确（也许是我才疏学浅如果我哪里有错还请你及时告诉我~谢谢）
时态有一点小问题，这个注意一下就好


写的很好，我就是写不出来这么多词~

ykhjy

9.3  独立 Do you agree that it is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save

In modern society, people have increasingly numbers of ways to deal with their money. While some prefer to save the money, others incline to spend money on traveling and vacation. As for me, I prefer the latter and reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, with the larger and larger pressure in this contemporary society which is full of vicious competition, traveling and vacation can be a good way for people to relax and after the relaxation, people can regain the energy to put all their heart into working, studying and living. We can see that almost every school in nowadays tend to organize students to have a spring trip. For example, when I was a high school students, despite the large pressure that we would take the college entrance exam, our class organize us to go to Heng Dian to have a fun. Actually, after we went back to school to study, we felt that we were freshed and had more energy to study.

In addition, along with the relaxation, traveling and vacation can benefit people to enlarge their horizon which is beneficial for developing a positive attitude to the life and may be helpful in forming a different prospective. Take one of my father’s experiences to Huangshan, where possesses a beautiful nature scenery as an example. Before he went there, he paid much attention to my performance of exams at school and always pushed me to study, however, after he came back, I found he changed that he used another way to concern about my study via caring about my life time in school not just the score results. He talked to me that when he spared no effort to climb the magnificent mountain in Huangshan, he realized that what matters is not the result and it is the process. From this we can see that traveling and vacation can to large extent better people’s attitude to life.

Given that saving some money is to some extent necessary since some special cases when people need money in emergency such as an unexpected illness which calls for a large amount of money may exist, we cannot just store the money and forget to enjoy the life just because these possibilities.

In conclusion, in spite that we should save some money for the sake of something in emergency, most of money should be used to travel and vacation due to the benefits sated above.

ykhjy

呀，好荣幸把你第一次献给我了 哈哈 辛苦你了，xeyyxzty童鞋。我就是在考G的时候养成写长句的破习惯的，不是我想写，只是一下子它就那么长了。之前也有人给我提过，控制长句，我还得注意。。我觉得最好长短结合把，都是短句也不好。那个saw 后面是宾语从句 应该可以省略that 的把；to help to 干嘛的应该是可以的；gain、find relaxation 应该也是可以的，不过不太好。

好吧，第一次给人改作文，又不恰当的地方请多包涵

顺便说一句，我作文的观点和你的相反哦


高亮是很好，红色是我认为有点小问题，绿色是我也不知道是否正确，有待商榷


With the increasingly vicious competition, nowadays people feel much larger pressures ( much-pressures不对吧~改成单数吧) than ever. In order to live a happier life, people incline to find a (an) appropriateway to release oneself (改成themselves对不对我不知道，但是这个应该不对吧…) . While some consider watching movie (或者前面加a，或者变成复数) or reading abook as a good method, others believe that doing physical exercise can givethem more help to relax. Personally speaking, I prefer the latter and reasonsare stated as follows.

First of all, something that can relaxoneself must be something one loves and since I prefer to do physical exercisewhen comparing to watch movie （和上一个movie一个问题） orread a book, I think to do some sports is a better way to help me relax becauseit can assist me to gain a good health which is essential for one’s happiness. (不是说不好，只是你不觉得这个有点长吗？？？个人认为第一个and之前用句号，and省略，直接since开始是第二句话比较好；还有，since和because在一个句子中出现是不是逻辑有一点乱呢，中国人读是没问题啦，但是天知道美国人能不能看得懂~具体如何修改——或者忽略我的想法也好——看你自己咯) Actually, when I was achild, I always got sick. Then my father at that time often encouraged me to dosports like running and he always kept company with me. Afterwards my health is（时态错了was） really getting better and I scarcely needto go to see doctors(直接hospital怎么样？). With a good health, I really live a relaxed life today.

In addition, I’d like to do some sports thatcall for team sprit, such as basketball and (这个词很奇妙~可能会造成别人多误解后面的内容是和basketball并列，改成spirit-likebasketball-and…怎么样？)doing suchsports can be beneficial for me to make friends which may be a catalyst to aidme to relax cause I can share some experiences with friends.（再次出现这种长长的句子，如何处理我不太好说，建议你问一下别的人，如果有结果别忘记告诉我哟~） Take myself as an example. Last semester Ioften felt frustrated when I prepared for the GRE test since although I put allmy heart into preparing it, the model test result was not so good as I expectedthus I was worried about my result in the test day.（好吧，又一次~） Inorder to release, I happened to go to the playground in my school and I saw（是否需要that呢，我不知道，不过直觉是需要~我的语法比较水，仅供参考~或者把were去掉就不需要加that了） some girls were playingbasketball happily. Afterwards, I joined them and soon we become (became)friends. We played and talked to each other and I really gained a lot such asthe beauty of friendship and positive attitude to things via sharing ourfeeling, experiences and opinions which make merelax a lot( which的指代明确吗？我不是很清楚，不过考G的时候意见到这种句子就开始犹豫呀~发一下小牢骚~).

Given watching a movie or reading a book canhelp me relax, doing sports may be a faster way to help to（需要吗？） gain therelaxation（这样可以吗？get relaxed怎么样？）. When I turn to movies and books, I tend to learnsomething from them to relax. It may be some meaningful words, or some valuablecharacteristics. However, all these things require me to have some time tounderstand and maybe only if I have experienced something can I really realizethese meanings. In contrast, via doing sports, I may be high（其实我一直很困惑这个high究竟是个中国人发明的还是美国人~如果你确定有这个用法就OK） in a few minutes if only I perspire.

To sum up, seeing all these benefits statedabove, compared to movie or book, sports can to a larger extent benefit me in the process of finding relaxation（可以吗？find?）.

总体~
就是超长句子很帅气~但是我不知道T中是否能大量应用，而且句子长了逻辑意思就复杂了，关联词多了容易混乱
还有很多我没见过得用法，不知道是否正确（也许是我才疏学浅如果我哪里有错还请你及时告诉我~谢谢）
时态有一点小问题，这个注意一下就好


写的很好，我就是写不出来这么多词~

-- by 会员 xeyyxzty (2012/9/2 23:36:00)

shendang

【紫色部分】感觉你用given that...重点是在后面的preference上面，没仔细读估计会直接忽略这个点或者认为不重要。可是你之前说有两个原因，这两个原因要不就是并列，要不就是递进。如果是并列，两个是平等地位，都得阐述吧；如果是递进就更得两个都说，还要说两者之间关系。所以还是觉得money也单独说下比较好。
我现在都不知道怎么来表达自己的观点，更你相反，我觉得我观点好乱好繁琐，特别是不会写例子了！！


刚旅游回来，回晚了，不好意思哈

感谢批改哈~   紫色部分讨论下

8.30
蓝色-小结；红色-问题；绿色-good point
With the development of times, most peoplenowadays are no longer worried about whether they can have something to eat ornot and what they desire now may be something more than material. Soconsidering the limited budget（我觉得突出预算有限让开头的背景更充实了~~学起来）, the government, publicservant, needs to figure out which can better satisfying（satisfy） people’s needs, buildingart museums or developing recreational facilities?（这边应该句号就行了） As far as I am concerned, the latter may be more important .

First of all, to some degree, buildingrecreational facilities may benefit more people. In our common life, we can seethat not all people, or even not many people inclineto go to art museums or attend music performance.I think（I think 在这里有点累赘） this phenomenon can be explainable. There are mainly two reasons:money and preference. According to a survey conducted by National InvestigationOrganization, given that people can go to these museums and music centerswithout any charge since the government’s fund, not so many people have such ainterest to visit these places. In contrast, most people fond of（be fond of） playing with recreational facilities, whateverchildren or elder people(觉得whatever用得有点怪，查了下，不管是老人还是小孩，可以用no matter the elderly orchildren), the poor or the rich, women or men.Therefore, from this prospective, it seems better to build recreationalfacilities to benefit the majority of people.

不是有两个原因吗？怎么只有一个preference方面的阐述？【这个方面，由于我觉得government provides money了，那我主要需要突出的就是preference，我这一段的紫色部分提到了人们就算不用出钱，也不喜欢去。是不是不够完整，你觉得还需要阐述下money么】
先提出论证自己观点的一个现象，然后再解释，并且有突出接下来是在解释，条理很清晰。学了~

In addition, recreational facilities can be a shortcut for people to communicate witheach other. It can help strangers to be friends, aid friends to intensify thefriendship and support parents to know children’s own world. Take myself as anexample. When I was a child, my parents always took me to a large playground inwhich possesses a large number of recreational facilities after supper. When myparents and I played these facilities together, I was always eager to tell themsomething interesting or some unhappy things happened in my school in the daytime. And my parents often had their ideas which aid me learn some principles toaddress these things. During this process, I felt that my parents were morefriends than parents which effectively enhanced our relationship.    


觉得这段结构清晰，可是句式有点单调，重复太多，并且大部分都是简单句型，可以考虑多用下其他句型

Despite the fact that art museums and musicperformance center are excellent places for people to promote appreciation（提高的应该是鉴赏能力吧） forart and building these places can help people to gainpassion for beauty and depth in life, recreational facilities can do favor to people’s good health, which isthe premier to enjoy the beauty in life. （一直在找这个表述，谢啦）

In conclusion, compared to building artmuseums, building recreational facilities may be a better choice for governmentin that it benefits more people, （and）is a easy way to buildrelationship and beneficial for people’s health.(beneifts more people 和 beneficial for people’s health 重复了)

文章结构有了，但是can和benefit 出现得太频繁了
自己的水平也没有多高，也不知道修改得对不对，多多交流哈

【哈哈 因为受到G 作文的影响，我确实是比较重视逻辑结构方面的东西，一点文采木有，要是有点文采的话就得写好久。我现在主要在思路上，尽量简化point，控制时间了。一起加油！！】

-- by 会员 shendang (2012/8/31 10:39:01)

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/8/31 14:33:05)

[/quote]

xeyyxzty

知道了~长知识了

P.S.
你的作文写得真棒~羡慕+学习

ykhjy

9.4 独立 agree/disagree：an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he's in part of adecision making

Efficient leaders must be those who possess outstanding leading skills. While some believe that rather than making everyone feel that he’s in part of a decision making, owing their own insight to make decisions by themselves can to larger extent prove that they are efficient leaders, in my opinion, making everyone feel that in part of a decision making may be a more excellent leading skill for an efficient leader. Reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, making everyone feel that he’s in part of a decision making would be beneficial for the moral of the team. I believe that an efficient leader should own the ability of team building which requires the leader to make everyone in the team to perform their best. And making everyone feel that they are also making the decisions would definitely encourage people in the team to participate in the group discussion in that people may feel more responsibility for the result. Actually, according to a survey conducted by the National Investigation Organization, people tend to take more activities in those areas where they think they are the decisions maker. Therefore, making everybody take part in a decision making is helpful for team building.

In addition, making everyone participate in the process of decision making can aid to find innovate ideas and solutions to problems which can benefit the whole result of the team. For example, I joined in a basketball club last semester and the leader of the club once organized a meeting to discuss how to expand our club. At that meeting, the leader let us express our own opinions and he said he would adopt the best one from those opinions. The method made us feel that we were in part of a decision making and we expressed our own opinions which came up with considerable creative ideas. Time tells us that some of which did have a positive effect on the future development of the club. From this we can see that making every participate in the decision making would contribute to numerous innovation ideas.  

It is true that a leader should build his or her own authority since it is beneficial for them to organize the team. However, as far as I am concerned, making everyone feel he’s in part of the process of making decisions won’t lessen the influence of leaders, instead, it can be representative to show that the leader is democratic which makes team members feel that the leader is easy-going and they should keep good company with the leader, thus the leader could organize the team more easily .

In conclusion, as the benefits stated above, an efficient leader should make everyone feel that he’s in part of process of decisions making.

ykhjy

9.4 综合  TPO 9  
The lecture mainly talks about reasons why hydrogen-based fuel-cell engines cannot replace internal-combustion soon as the reading passage states. According to the lecture, reasons are stated as follows.

First of all, the lecture indicates that it is hard to produce and store hydrogen and although hydrogen can be derived from various like water, it cannot be used directly since it has to be pured. In order to get the pure hydrogen, it calls for high requirement about the condition, for example, a very cold temperature. Thus the first advantage listed in the reading passage is argued.

When it comes to the second advantage of fuel-cell engines listed in the reading passage that it can solve the pollution problem, the lecture argues that it cannot really solve the pollution in that people have to burn coals and oils to get the pure hydrogen. So despite that the hydrogen does not crate the pollution, the process to get it leads to the pollution.

Last but not the least, the lecture suggests that the third advantage in the reading passage that fuel-cell engines will soon be economically competitive cannot happen. It is because that materials to produce the engines are rare and the cheap materials are not accessible. Therefore, the third point mentioned in the reading is disputed.

ykhjy

知道啦 多谢你的建议~ 我觉得 T的作文 观点越简单越好写，就是写的不一定是自己所认为的（因为我一直觉得我们所认为的比较复杂），这一路写下来，我现在写作文首先就是找理由，哪个理由多写支持哪个观点，即使我不是那么想的，我觉得这样的话 例子也就比较好写了