瓜瓜卷土重来啦！！！！

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-1 22:29:46

谢谢晨依将我领进了写作小分队

512托福首战，10天不算不算多不算少，疯狂写作吧！！！！！！
废话不多说，先谢谢各位给我改作文的兄弟姐妹们！！！

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今天是6月22日，一个多月以后我胡汉三又回来啦！！！！
Go on and on!!!!
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928 920T出分，看到分数，真的哭了出来。谢谢这一路上陪伴我的人们。除了感谢，不知道要说什么。默默祝愿T写作版有越来越多的CDers获益。

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-5-1 23:14:29

瓜瓜加油~！明儿下午回学校了给你改呼~

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-2 09:06:44

瓜瓜作文小分队第一篇作文终于在早上一个小时的奋斗中完成了求各种拍砖！！！！

5月1日 111119 NA Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow employees staying with family and friend. Which job do you prefer? Why?

The definitions of success vary from people to people. Some people regard money as the only criterion of achievement, while some think a lot of others’ respect. However, in my philosophy, the happiness sharing with my family and friends is my life goal. Thus, faced these two completely different kind of work, I choose the one can give me the opportunity to stay with family and friend though with poor salaries without hesitation.

There is no doubt that salaries are important, giving people material support to life, and sheltering them from starvation and coldness. However, as not keen on luxury life, I regard money as a tool that allows me to live, but not a goal to live. As long as the salary can cover my life expense, whether the amount is large or small become the least important concern for me.

As the old saying goes, life is too short to allow people to regret. Instead of chase money, I am more willing to pursue happiness, which for me is spending time with my family and friend. I quite agree with Maslow on his theory that people are motivated to fulfill a hierarchical pyramid of needs. While the needs for survival are at the bottom of the pyramid, such as food, water, which can be satisfied by money, the need of love and belonging is much superior than the basic need. What’s more, the need of love and belonging cannot be satisfied by money. By no means but cultivation can we gain love and feel belongings.

Last but not least, I strongly oppose people work only for money. Longing for money may led people abandon morality, and thereby some make dirty fortune even commit crime. There are several food scandals happening in China recently, such as melamine milk, watery pork, and so on and almost all of them are related to money. The sickness of pursuit of money drives people blind, which is harmful to all human beings.

So, as the reasons I referred above, my prefer the job that allow me to stay with my family and friends regardless its poor salaries. Life is precious, and it should be spend on the things we value most. Furthermore, people should work for joy, not just for money itself. Following this belief, we will arrive the destination we want and the society will become a more harmonious place.

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-2 09:07:07

哦也也

易雨水巷 · 发表于 2012-5-2 15:05:29

可能要晚些才能给瓜瓜改,不要着急哈^_^

蓝色为建议或疑问高亮为精彩红色为错误绿色为总结
5月1日 111119 NASome jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family andfriends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow employees staying with family andfriend. Which job do you prefer? Why?

The definitions of success vary from people topeople.（感觉这话有点儿别扭额，可以换成，People from divergent backgrounds holddifferent opinions about the definitions of success. ） Some people regardmoney as the only criterion of achievement, while some think a lot of others’respect. However, in myphilosophy, the happiness sharing with my (这个my可以去掉，一方面去掉无所谓，另一方面后面接着又出现my略感重复)family and friends is my life goal. Thus,faced（faced with/facing）these two completely different kind ofwork, I choose the one can give me the opportunity to stay with family andfriend though with poor salaries without hesitation(建议放到I 后面， Iwithout hesitation choose the….).

There is no doubt that salaries are important, giving people material supportto life, and sheltering them from starvation and coldness. However, as not keenon luxury life, I regard money as a tool that allows me to live, but not a goalto live. As long as the salary can cover my life expense, whether the amount islarge or small become the least important concern for me. (缺少主题句TS，另外这种一般是作为让步段放在倒数第二段写的，详情参见鸟儿姐姐的一个帖子http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-710250-1-1.html)

As the old saying goes, life is too short to allow people to regret. Instead of chase(instead of 后面跟动名词 instead of chasing) money, I am more willing to pursue happiness, which for me isspending time with my family and friend. I quite agree with Maslow on histheory that people are motivated to fulfill a hierarchical pyramid of needs. While the needsfor survival are at the bottom of the pyramid, such as food, water, which canbe satisfied by money, the need of love and belonging is much superior than (be superior to) the basic need. What’s more(不要连写， What is more), the need of love and belonging cannot be satisfied by money. By no means but cultivation canwe gain love and feel belongings .(belongs 作为负数是财产、所有物、亲戚的意思，这里是不是表达有点儿问题，换个词？)

Last but not least, I strongly oppose people work only for money. Longing formoney may led people abandon morality （lead sbto do sth lead people to abandon morality或者用词组 result in / lead to+名词词组）, and thereby some makedirty fortune even commit crime. There are several food scandals happening inChina recently, such as melamine milk, watery pork, and so on and almost all ofthem are related to money. The sickness of pursuit of money drives peopleblind, which is harmful to all human beings.

So,(换成 Tosum up/ In conclusion之类的总结词吧) as the reasons I referred above, my (I) preferthe job that allow me to stay with my family and friends regardless （in regardless of） its poor salaries. Lifeis precious, and it should be spend on the things we value most. Furthermore,people should work for joy, not just for money itself. Following this belief,we will arrive (+at arrive不及物动词)thedestination we want and the society will become a more harmonious place.

To 瓜瓜
雨巷意见可能比较多，比较啰嗦，希望瓜瓜不要介意哦~
1.论述段缺乏主题句TS啊，这个问题需要特别注意！
2.一些词组的搭配上存在问题，要细心一点儿奥O(∩_∩)O~
3.雨巷感觉论述的逻辑有点儿问题额….个人观点
为5.12而战！一起加油！ Rock!O(∩_∩)O~

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-2 17:09:24

嗯嗯我等哈

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-2 20:56:23

收到点名啦谢谢雨巷啦感觉语法错误确实有点多。TS问题一定注意。

有木有觉得我的第四段是不是和文章主题没有关系？讲追逐钱地去工作会导致的后果，似乎和题目没有关系？我写的时候很犹豫要不要写这一段的。，

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-2 22:16:53

5月2日独立写作
20110820 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important investment for a company is to spend money on improving skills of its employees.

Nowadays, with rapid progress of development and furious competition among trading, it become more and more important for a company to decide where should the investment be spend on. Personally, I strong oppose the idea that the the most important investment should be expensed on improving skill of its employees.
To begin with, comparing to skill of its employees, the technology that a company adopts is a more critical factor to determine the success of an enterprise, especially in modern society. As Xiaoping Dung, the former president of China, once point out that technology is the primary productive force, no one can deny the powerful drive force that technology bring to the world. It is no longer a era that labor force represent output, but a time technology-oriented industries win the market. Even if the skill of a company employees stand on the top, without the improvement of its technology, it cannot develop sustainably. For example, in China, employees are of high skill, but because of the outdated equipments, the profit for majority of Chinese corporation is below the average line of the world.

In addition, if employees do not have high loyalty of their corporation, then the expense on tuition will be nothing but a great waste of money. Consider this situation in IT industry: the training investment of a computer engineer is quite large, and the job-hopping in the IT company is higher than average, so the large amount of investment on tuition probably leads to a loss for the company. Therefore, it is unwise to blindly invest on employees education regardless of the practical situation.

What is more, even all the facts shows that the company is in need of investment on employees’ training, it cannot state as the top priority, as other factors such as advertisement are equally or even more important. Nowadays, visual sense has a great impact on consumptions, it become quite true that good advertisement stimulate people and drive them will to consume. Coca Cola may be a good instance: even though the company invest on its technology and employees, the advertisement which is the largest expense is the essential reason for its popularity.

To sum up, as we are in a technology-oriented era, it is unwise to say that the most important investment should be spend on improving the skill of employees, especially when the fluidity of employees and other factors such as advertisement are taken into consideration.

瓜瓜不瓜 · 发表于 2012-5-2 22:57:40

5.2 综合写作第一次试水 ABC兄，我写的很粗糙感觉，憋不出什么话 T.T

top3

The passage cast doubts on the reality of one painting of Rembrandt. However, the lecture shows the results of the further research of the painting to demonstrate that the painting is drawn by Rembrandt.

First, the research finds the luxurious fur collar the woman wearing was painted a hundred years after originally paint and in original painting, the woman’s collar is white. This directly contradict what the passage states. What is more, the additional painting tended to add its valuable.

Second, the light and shadow are also not showed as the original painting. Once remove the error painting, the face appears to be not shadowed, which go consistent with the way Rembrandt used to. This fact also contradicts the content passage says.

Third, the back of the painting is enlarged, in older to make it grant and valuable. The original panel is a signal piece. What is more, it was from the very tree which Rembrandt’s another famous painting’s panel was made of.

易雨水巷 · 发表于 2012-5-3 15:23:55

收到点名啦谢谢雨巷啦感觉语法错误确实有点多。TS问题一定注意。有木有觉得我的第四段是不是和文章主题没有关系？讲追逐钱地去工作会导致的后果，似乎和题目没有关系？我写的时候很犹豫要不要写这一段的。，-- by 会员瓜瓜不瓜 (2012/5/2 20:56:23)

我木有见过这样写得,所以感觉你的逻辑有些问题,当然我的逻辑更糟糕T.T。如果不是为了字数就不要加了,或者你把它归到那段说钱够用就好了,这样就成了先正面论述,再反面论述,个人意见啦…

瓜瓜卷土重来啦！！！！

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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