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可能要晚些才能给瓜瓜改,不要着急哈^_^
蓝色为建议或疑问 高亮为精彩 红色为错误 绿色为总结 5月1日 111119 NASome jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family andfriends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow employees staying with family andfriend. Which job do you prefer? Why?
The definitions of success vary from people topeople.(感觉这话有点儿别扭额,可以换成,People from divergent backgrounds holddifferent opinions about the definitions of success. ) Some people regardmoney as the only criterion of achievement, while some think a lot of others’respect. However, in myphilosophy, the happiness sharing with my (这个my可以去掉,一方面去掉无所谓,另一方面后面接着又出现my略感重复)family and friends is my life goal. Thus,faced(faced with/facing)these two completely different kind ofwork, I choose the one can give me the opportunity to stay with family andfriend though with poor salaries without hesitation(建议放到I 后面, Iwithout hesitation choose the….).
There is no doubt that salaries are important, giving people material supportto life, and sheltering them from starvation and coldness. However, as not keenon luxury life, I regard money as a tool that allows me to live, but not a goalto live. As long as the salary can cover my life expense, whether the amount islarge or small become the least important concern for me. (缺少主题句TS,另外这种一般是作为让步段放在倒数第二段写的,详情参见鸟儿姐姐的一个帖子http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-710250-1-1.html)
As the old saying goes, life is too short to allow people to regret. Instead of chase(instead of 后面跟动名词 instead of chasing) money, I am more willing to pursue happiness, which for me isspending time with my family and friend. I quite agree with Maslow on histheory that people are motivated to fulfill a hierarchical pyramid of needs. While the needsfor survival are at the bottom of the pyramid, such as food, water, which canbe satisfied by money, the need of love and belonging is much superior than (be superior to) the basic need. What’s more(不要连写, What is more), the need of love and belonging cannot be satisfied by money. By no means but cultivation canwe gain love and feel belongings .(belongs 作为负数是财产、所有物、亲戚的意思,这里是不是表达有点儿问题,换个词?)
Last but not least, I strongly oppose people work only for money. Longing formoney may led people abandon morality (lead sbto do sth lead people to abandon morality或者用词组 result in / lead to+名词词组), and thereby some makedirty fortune even commit crime. There are several food scandals happening inChina recently, such as melamine milk, watery pork, and so on and almost all ofthem are related to money. The sickness of pursuit of money drives peopleblind, which is harmful to all human beings.
So,(换成 Tosum up/ In conclusion之类的总结词吧) as the reasons I referred above, my (I) preferthe job that allow me to stay with my family and friends regardless (in regardless of) its poor salaries. Lifeis precious, and it should be spend on the things we value most. Furthermore,people should work for joy, not just for money itself. Following this belief,we will arrive (+at arrive不及物动词)thedestination we want and the society will become a more harmonious place. To 瓜瓜 雨巷意见可能比较多,比较啰嗦,希望瓜瓜不要介意哦~ 1.论述段缺乏主题句TS啊,这个问题需要特别注意! 2.一些词组的搭配上存在问题,要细心一点儿奥O(∩_∩)O~ 3.雨巷感觉论述的逻辑有点儿问题额….个人观点 为5.12而战!一起加油! Rock!O(∩_∩)O~ |
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