bonnenuit的作文帖！作文一直都是个弱项！求大牛帮忙批改作文！感激不尽啊！

bonnenuit · 发表于 2012-9-11 10:35:48

Life today is easier and more comfortable than it was when your grandparents were children. Agree with disagree?

With the development of science and technology, it has made big progress on temporary people' living standards, and even big improvement of material conditions. the inventions of cars , computers, mobile phones, has brought great convenience to people, many old generations always say that, we are so jealous that you are born at fortunate time. Nevertheless, some young generations hold the opposite view that they are suffering from something that the old generations have never experienced. such a controversial topic has puzzled a lot of people. different people have variety answers to this topic from their own characters, emotional concerns and educational backgrounds.when this topic comes to me, i firmly believe that, there is no doubt that our life today is easier and cozier than it was when our grandparents were children.

To begin with, the truth we can not deny is that the high technology has made our life more easier. With the introduction of cars, computers, mobile phone, we can travel around, make the work more easier to complete, communicate with friends or families at anytime and anywhere. However, those things listed above were impossible for our grandparents to image and even own when they were children. They had to walk a long distance to school, deal with difficulties within their knowledge, communicate with friends through the letters and have to wait extra time to receive the replies. If we put ourselves in such situations, how long you could stand for? I dare to say, few of us can get through those situations.

Further more, the financial situation has improved a lot, compared to it was when our grandparents were children. We always can obtain a lot of pocket money from our parents. We always can afford many things we want, such as the books, plastic plane models, bobby dolls and so on. Meanwhile, when our grandparents were children, they could get little from their parents, even some could not afford for school. In order to support the family's economical income, some of them had to drop out of school early and do farm work. It is obvious that we are more fortunate than our grandparents when they were children.

Nowadays, some young generations may still suffer from academic burden, complain that they are less free. All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that, we are having easier and more comfortable life than our grandparents when they were children.

bonnenuit · 发表于 2012-9-11 15:32:40

求大牛批改！！谢谢谢谢！

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-9-11 21:30:53

求大牛批改！！谢谢谢谢！

-- by 会员 bonnenuit (2012/9/11 15:32:40)

参加写作小分队和同学们互改作文吧

frankiyian · 发表于 2012-9-12 00:15:05

With the development of science and technology, it has made big progress on temporary people' living standards, and even big improvement of material conditions. the inventions of cars , computers, mobile phones, has brought great convenience to people, many old generations always say that, we are so jealous that you are born at fortunate time. Nevertheless, some young generations hold the opposite view that they are suffering from something that the old generations have never experienced. such a controversial topic has puzzled a lot of people. different people have variety answers to this topic from their own characters, emotional concerns and educational backgrounds. when this topic comes to me, i firmly believe that, there is no doubt that our life today is easier and cozier than it was when our grandparents were children.

old generation那句有点蛋疼，不如改成。。。。always say they are jealous that young generation are born at。。不晓得怎么样，反正连着俩that确实蛋疼。这里可能违反ets的那个“an occasional lapse of clarity”
会扣分的= =
第一段有点点遮掩，主旨感觉不怎么突出（？可能是因为我比较喜欢开门见山。）

To begin with, the truth we can not deny is that the high technology has made our life more easier. With the introduction of cars, computers, mobile phone, we can travel around, make the work more easier to complete, communicate with friends or families at anytime and anywhere. However, those things listed above were impossible for our grandparents to image and even own when they were children. They had to walk a long distance to school, deal with difficulties within their knowledge, communicate with friends through the letters and have to wait extra time to receive the replies. If we put ourselves in such situations, how long you could stand for? I dare to say, few of us can get through those situations.

Further more, the financial situation has improved a lot, compared to it was when our grandparents were children. We always can obtain a lot of pocket money from our parents. We always can afford many things we want, such as the books, plastic plane models, bobby dolls and so on. Meanwhile, when our grandparents were children, they could get little from their parents, even some could not afford for school. In order to support the family's economical income, some of them had to drop out of school early and do farm work. It is obvious that we are more fortunate than our grandparents when they were children.

Nowadays, some young generations may still suffer from academic burden, complain that they are less free. All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that, we are having easier and more comfortable life than our grandparents when they were children.

半夜12点了。明天再看。希望卤煮不要嫌弃我吹毛求疵的态度，毕竟把文章贴上来就是要互相修改才可以提高。卤煮对英语的把握还是很强力的，很多地方也确实是一时疏忽。但是我还是蛋疼的挑了出来。如果有错，万分抱歉啊

frankiyian · 发表于 2012-9-12 00:24:37

下面的附件有点额外的批注，我的一些看法。当然也有可能不对。。。但是大部分应该靠谱
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-763059-1-1.html 这是我的作文贴。可以互改= =

bonnenuit · 发表于 2012-9-12 10:30:29

非常感谢这位朋友的细心帮助，这些小毛病我总是在不经意间就犯了，你的批改建议对我有很大帮助，再一次非常感谢！
你的作文我等会帮你批改的，改的不好请别介意哈，因为我之前没怎么改过别人的作文，没神马经验

bonnenuit · 发表于 2012-9-12 12:01:02

Playing computer games is a waste of time, children should not be allow to play.

With the improvement of IT technology, a host of computer games have been introduced into people's life. several games own a crowd of fanatics, even numerous professional players have been cultivated as a method to earn money by some computer games development companies. Meanwhile, computer games become more popular among children, and they always spend plenty time on them,ignoring the tackle from parents and teachers. Does that benefit children? Different people will give various answers to this question from their own characters,emotional concerns, and educational backgrounds. When it comes to me, i firmly believe that, children should not be allow to play computer games. I will give several reasons to illustrate the view of my point as followed.

Firstly, computers games are too attractive to resist for the children with the gorgeous pictures and easy game operating system, because children addicted easily to something which will bring them the fantastic feeling. In order to save time to play computer games, children always put the meals and sleep,even the homework behind them. Take myself as a example, i did well in my study when i was grade 4. One day, one of my classmates introduced a popular game to me, and i addicted to it very soon. In order to get more time to play the game, i ate little and sleep little,even lied to my my parents that i had all the homework done after school. In the final test, i did poor in my study and my parents blamed it on playing computer games. Consequently, i gave up the games and put myself into study, and all things back to normal.

Secondly, it seems a little difficulty for children to distinguish between the reality and the fantasy.
They always act the fantastic roles which from computer games in the real life, leading them do some reasonless things, even criminal and violent events. A investigation has been conducted by some psychologist, discovering that 40% of juvenile criminal do illegal things due to their imagination which influenced by the computer games.

however, some others claim that temporary children are suffering from the academic burden, proper time for computer games to relax their mind is necessary. But in my opinion, the children better spend more on other meaningful things like sports,puzzle games,and so on.

All in all, from the reason listed above,we can safely conclude that, playing computer games is a waste of time, children should not be allow to play.

求怒批！

frankiyian · 发表于 2012-9-12 12:44:32

去交作业吧，交了以后明天会有人被分配来和你互批的

bonnenuit · 发表于 2012-9-12 12:58:11

额怎么交？

frankiyian · 发表于 2012-9-12 17:12:33

http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-741014-75-1.html

bonnenuit的作文帖！作文一直都是个弱项！求大牛帮忙批改作文！感激不尽啊！

本帖子中包含更多资源

本帖子中包含更多资源

本帖子中包含更多资源

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()