bonnenuit的作文帖！作文一直都是个弱项！求大牛帮忙批改作文！感激不尽啊！

bonnenuit

926独立写作
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like


Nowadays, more and more people prefer to stay in the big cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, which are far away from their families and friends, because of the high salaries and cozy living environment. While, some people still choose to work in their hometown, in where their close relationships live,in spite of the lower salaries. People's options vary as a result from their own characters, emotional concerns, and educational backgrounds. As far as i concerned, i am prone to the jobs which pay low salaries but allow me to stay with my family and friends. To better illustrate my view, i will list several reasons as followed.



To begin with, high salaries always means amount of work you need to do. Not only you have to cope with all kinds of difficulties you confront, but also feel host of pressure from distinct aspects. Thus, you have to drag your exhausted body home after work. Besides that, the empty and dark room always makes you feel lonely and homesick. Consequently, you become more and more sensitive and depressive, which will do harm to you.



Further more, while it is true that work is part of our life, family and friend still play a significant role. Family and friend are someone who will always wait for you there, and never give you up no matter you get success or failure. There is no doubt that you will feel happy to see that a lot of delicious food on the table and all your families are waiting for you when you get home.



In addition, harmonious relationships among your family and friend will bring motivations to your work. You always know clearly what your goal is, and you can devote yourself to fight for it, because your families and friends always stand at your back and support you. Meanwhile, you always know the situation when your family and friend are around, and you can give a hand to them when something happens. However, when you stay aways from your family and friend, you get few chances to know them, and they always conceal the bad news to prevent you from warring about them.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, i can safely to draw the conclusion that the jobs which allows you to stay with your family and friends are the superior choice, in spite of the low salary.

verchieldan

Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like


Nowadays, more and more people prefer to stay in the big cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, which are far away from their families and friends, because of the high salaries and cozy living environment. While（while
后面好像不能用逗号，口语里可以）, some people still choose to work in their hometown, in where their close relationshipsfamilies and friends live（关系用live好像很奇怪）,in spite of the lower salaries. People's options vary as a result from their own characters, emotional concerns, and educational backgrounds. As far as Ii concerned, Ii am prone to the jobs which pay low salaries but allow me to stay with my family and friends. To better illustrate my view, Ii will list several reasons as followed.
To begin with, high salaries always means amount of work you need to do. Not only you have to cope with all kinds of difficulties you confront, but also feel host of pressure from distinct aspects. Thus, you have to drag your exhausted body home after work. Besides that, the empty and dark room always makes you feel lonely and homesick. Consequently, you become more and more sensitive and depressive, which will do harm to you.
Further more, while it is true that work isa part of our life, family and friend still play a significant role. Family and friend are someone who will always wait for you there, and never give you up no matter you get success or failure. There is no doubt that you will feel happy to see that a lot of delicious food on the table and all your families are waiting for you when you get home.
In addition, harmonious relationships among your family and friend will bring motivations to your work. You always know clearly what your goal is, and you can devote yourself to fight for it, because your families and friends always stand at your back and support you. Meanwhile, you always know the situation when your family and friend are around, and you can give a hand to them when something happens. However, when you stay awayaways from your family and friend, you get few chances to know them, and they always conceal the bad news to prevent you from warring about them.
All in all, from the reasons listed above, Ii can safely to draw the conclusion that the jobs which allows you to stay with your family and friends are the superior choice, in spite of the low salary.


1．字数比昨天有增加哦~~~

2．一些短语用得很好啊，例如prone to ，cope with

有2个小问题，

1.我在读到一半的时候发现几乎所有的句式都是定语从句，再往下看，发现后半也全是定语从句，我觉得可以用多样性的句式，例如to do,doing,同位语从句，祈使句之类的。最好有长有短。

2.在body 的每一个 topic sentences 之后，都有一个固定模式的supporting idea ，即：因为什么，所以什么，就是给我的印象就是全部有点单一，我觉得可以换一换。





最后，觉得今天的这一篇比昨天那篇好很多哦~~

bonnenuit

928独立写作
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?


The development of science and economics, has tremendously promoted temporary people's living standards, and brought numerous improvements of quality of education. More and more children are sent into preeminent schools to receive high quality education by their parents, notwithstanding the high tuition. There is no doubt that people are now easier to become educated than in the past. To better illustrate my view, I will list several reasons as followed.



To begin with, educational resource is more available than before. Several concepts and theories have been out of style and replaced by new ones, attributed to the development of science and technology. Beside that, the teachers are more experienced and have full knowledge of distinct subjects to help students cope with the difficulties they encounter, better understand the world. Hence, the new generations will get more educated than the lats ones did, and more possible to live up to their parents' expectations.



Further more, the induction of high-tech facilities, such as computers, internet and mobile phone, etc, also has made the education more easily to access. For instance, abundant materials about various subject is offered in the Internet and freely obtained. What's more, the invention of  online classes makes the education more convenient, and students can have classes at home without going to school.



In addition, good material conditions also contribute to make the education more available. Virtually parents are able to afford their children's tuition, support their children to buy many necessary books and tools, send them to school with their own cars. However, those mentioned above are impossible for old generations to image, even to own, because some of them had to walk a long distance to school, even some had to drop out of school early due to the poverty when they were young. They are always jealous that we are born at such a fortunate epoch.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that people are now easier to become educated than in the past. therefore, we should cherish the opportunities we have got, and take all the advantages to live up to our parents' expectation.

最后一次杀T

黄色高亮为精彩绿色部分为要修改部分粉色是修改建议
The development of science and economics, has tremendously promoted temporary people's living standards, and brought numerous improvements of quality of education.【语法有问题，主语谓语中间不要加逗号。建议改成，With the development of science and economics, both the living standards of modern people and the quality of education have been promoted.】 More and more children are sent into preeminent schools to receive high quality education by their parents, not withstanding the high tuition. 【more and more可以替换成an increasing/growing number of...】【not改成without】There is no doubt that people are now easier to become educated than in the past. To better illustrate my view, I will list several reasons as followed.



To begin with, educational resource is more available than before. Several concepts and theories have been out of style and replaced by new ones, attributed to the development of science and technology. 【后半句语法问题，attributed不能作为定语修饰new ones，应该作为伴随状语修饰several concepts and theories，即attributing to the ......】Beside that, the teachers are more experienced and have full knowledge of distinct subjects to help students cope with the difficulties they encounter, better understand the world. 【后半句语法问题，cope with与understand动词并列，中间要使用连词连接，即help students cope with...and understand better...】Hence, the new generations will get more educated than the lats ones did, and more possible to live up to their parents' expectations.



Further more, the induction of high-tech facilities, such as computers, internet and mobile phone, etc, also has made the education more easily to access. 【induction的用法我不能确定，建议找大牛问问。】For instance, abundant materials about various subjects are offered in the Internet and can be freely obtained. What's more, the invention of  online classes makes the education more convenient, and students can have classes at home without going to school.



In addition, good material conditions also contribute to make the education more available. Virtually parents are able to afford their children's tuition, support their children to buy many necessary books and tools,and send them to school with their own cars. 【并列三个谓语时，最后一个前的and不能省略】However, those mentioned above are impossible for old generations to image, even to own, because some of them had to walk a long distance to school, even some had to drop out of school early due to the poverty when they were young. They are always jealous that we are born at such a fortunate epoch.

All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that people are now easier to become educated than in the past. therefore, we should cherish the opportunities we have got, and take all the advantages to live up to our parents' expectation.

总的来说不错，词汇很丰富，结构和逻辑都很好。但是要注意语法问题。写长句的时候，要注意使用连词。

最后一次杀T

想要字数多，而且写得快，有个很简单的方法。就是多举例子。

比如你这篇文字furthermore这一段，论点是高科技提供了很多学习渠道，中间写了for instance，只是简单提了一下internet，如歌展开来写internet如何support的，比如编一个自己上网课的经历，看哈佛公开课什么的。不必费劲全写成长句子，只要把这个事情出明白就好。这样可以写的很快，而且还使论点更加充分。

bonnenuit

10.5 独立写作

Do you agree or disagree: It is much easier for people to achieve success without families’ help than in the past.



Something we all have to do as we get older is to accept the opinions of others. On the question of whether it is much easier fro people to achieve success without families' help than in the past, I have for a long time admitted that the ones who have obtained success through their own endeavor and seldom received assistance from families, have a strong argument. Privately, however, I reckon that it is still not much easier for people to get success without families' help than in the past.



To begin with, every year, millions of graduates start their careers, and struggle for their dreams. However, only tiny portion of them can make their dreams come true utterly depend on their individuals, because they have spent more energy and time realizing themselves' value than normal do. Although it is not easy for a person to guarantee standing room in the society without sacrificing anything, some other resource can be used as a shortcut to acquire success, for instance the families' aid. Families have possessed host of human resource and valuable experience, attributing to their long period struggle in the society, and all these things are very valuable and can be made use of by us to achieve success.



Further more, the families not only offer us such useful resource, but also aid us with financial support. Since we were kids, they have paid our tuition, pocket money, and all kinds of fees. Without their assistance, we cannot obtain healthy body, knowledge, and everything we own now.

Take me as an example. I got an offer from a desirable company after I graduated, but the fist challenge I confronted at that time was that I could not afford the rent of my room. I had to call for help from my families, and they soon lend me some money to get through the financial difficulties. Without their help, I might had to give up that offer.



Admittedly, some people have achieve success without their families' help, just by hard working or by luck. Not every one will have the same consequent after he has experienced the same progress. In spite of this, there are still plenty of ways to achieve success, and making use of families' help is worthy to try.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that it is not easier to achieve success without families' help than in past, but it enhance the possibility to achieve success with the help from families.

bonnenuit

10.6独立

Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.


Something we all have to do as we get older is accept the shift of concepts and the opinions of others. On the question of whether the job will affect your happiness more than the social life does, I have for long time admitted that students who deem friendships, social experience, such social life as important part of their life, have a strong argument that effects of social life outweigh that of  job privately, however, I reckon the job will have more effect on person's happiness.



To begin with, we always have to confront host of difficulties when we are undertaking jobs, and  failures of the jobs cannot be avoided. There is not doubt that these failures will make you feel frustrated and depressed, even those feelings will last for long time. When you suffer from that kind of situations, you will become less motivated, unwilling to contact with others, and have no appetite at all. However, when you achieve success on your job, the situation will be different: You will obtain a sense of achievement, willing to share happiness with the around, and become more motivated to do ever thing.



Furthermore, not only will the failure or success on the job affect your happiness, but the degree of salary offered by your job will also affect you a lot. Low salaries means that you cannot cover other things that you want except for your basic needs, while high salaries might satisfy you with better material conditions, not to mention that the satisfaction will make you feel happy. Recently, a social behavior research team has conducted an investigation, discovering that, the percentage of people with high salaries that feel happy is 30percent higher than that of people with low salaries that feel happy.



Admittedly, social life has made up part of our life, and friendships play a critical role. We always feel pity or sad for losing several friends, however the unhappiness will not accompany us for long time.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that you job will affect your happiness more than the social life does.

最后一次杀T

黄色高亮为精彩绿色部分为要修改部分粉色是修改建议

Something we all have to do as we get older is to accept the opinions of others.【from】 On the question of whether it is much easier for people to achieve success without families' help than in the past, I have for a long time【prolonged】 admitted that the ones who have obtained success through their own endeavor and seldom received assistance from families, have a strong argument. 【这半句没看明白是连着哪部分的。。这个句子写的太长了，很绕，其实并一定是长句子才是好句子，我试着改一下给你参考一下Whether it is much easier for people to achieve success without families' help than in the past is always a controversial issue. I prolonged admited those who have obtained success through their own endeavor and seldom received assistance from families.我猜你想表达这个意思。。】Privately, however, I reckon that it is still not much easier for people to get success without families' help than in the past.

To begin with, every year, millions of graduates start their careers, and struggle for their dreams. However, only tiny portion of them can make their dreams come true utterly depend on their individuals, because they have spent more energy and time realizing themselves' value than normal do.【their counterparts】 Although it is not easy for a person to guarantee standing room in the society without sacrificing anything, some other resources can be used as a shortcut to acquire success, for instance the families' aid. Families have possessed host of human resource and valuable experience, attributing to their long period struggle in the society, and all these things are very valuable and can be made use of by us to achieve success.

Further more, the families not only offer us such useful resources, but also aid us with financial support. Since we were kids, they had to paid our tuition, pocket money, and all kinds of fees. Without their assistance, we cannot obtain healthy body, knowledge, and everything we own now.
Take me as an example. I got an offer from a desirable company after I graduated, but the first challenge I confronted at that time was that I could not afford the rent of my room. I had to call for help from my families, and they soon lend me some money to get through the financial difficulties. Without their help, I might had to give up that offer.

Admittedly, some people have achieve success without their families' help, just by hard working or by luck. Not every one will have the same consequent after he has experienced the same progress. In spite of this, there are still plenty of ways to achieve success, and making use of families' help is worthy to try.

All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that it is not easier to achieve success without families' help than in past, but it enhances the possibility to achieve success with the help from families.

抱歉改晚了······
结构很好，论点和论据也都很贴切。
但是我个人觉得一味写长句子并不一定能成为高分作文，长短结合比较好。有些地方的表达可以更简洁一些。

最后一次杀T

黄色高亮为精彩绿色部分为要修改部分粉色是修改建议
Something we all have to do as we get older is accept the shift of concepts and the opinions of others. On the question of whether the job will affect your happiness more than the social life does, I have for long time admitted that students who deem friendships, social experience, such social life as important part of their life, have a strong argument that effects of social life outweigh that of  job privately, however, I reckon the job will have more effect on person's happiness. 【原来是模板。。】

To begin with, we always have to confront host of difficulties when we are undertaking jobs, and  failures of the jobs cannot be avoided. There is not doubt that these failures will make you feel frustrated and depressed, even those feelings will last for long time. When you suffer from that kind of situations, you will become less motivated, unwilling to contact with others, and have no appetite at all. However, when you achieve success on your job, the situation will be different: You will obtain a sense of achievement, willing to share happiness with the around, and become more motivated to do ever thing.【如果能有个简单的例子，支持一下就更好了】

Furthermore, not only will the failure or success on the job affect your happiness, but the degree of salary【个人觉得只写salary就能表达清楚意思了，不知道有没有degree of salary的用法】 offered by your job will also affect you a lot. Low salaries means that you cannot cover other things 【可以替换成luxuries】that you want except for your basic needs, while high salaries might satisfy you with better material conditions, not to mention that the satisfaction will make you feel happy. Recently, a social behavior research team has conducted an investigation, discovering that, the percentage of people with high salaries that feel happy is 30percent higher than that of people with low salaries that feel happy.



Admittedly, social life has made up part of our life, and friendships play a critical role.【social life, a part of our life, and friendships play a critical role.】 We always feel pity or sad for losing several friends, however the unhappiness will not accompany us for long time.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that your job will affect your happiness more than the social life does.

bonnenuit

10.7 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:The government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries in the world?


The development of science and society has tremendously improved the international environment, and brought numerous benefits to people around the world. Recently, a controversial issue about whether the government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries in the world. Simplistically speaking, opinions on this topic can be divided into two sides: some think it necessary, while others hold the contrary perspective. Both views have strong foundations; However, overall, i teed to agree with the former.



To begin with, when we study in a group, we always prefer to cooperate with other members and share ideas with each other in order to work out the common purpose more efficiently. So that strategy are also applicable to the cooperation among countries by share all their scientific discoveries with each other. For example, the genetic map of human was accomplished by hundreds of scientists from 14 different counties in 1960's. The brilliant scientists put the divergences, nationalities, races, religions behind them, shared the scientific discoveries and cooperated with each other to finish the map, which has profound influence as one of the most significant discoveries in twentieth century.



Furthermore, conflicts always derive from the unbalanced information between two sides. In the period of cold war, host of conflicts occurred between USA and the Soviet union, and thousands of nuclear weapon were produced, threatening the peace of the whole wold. Both of the two sides were reluctant to share scientific discoveries and competed with each other instead. If these two cooperated with each other and shared scientific discoveries, more benefits would be brought to the whole world.



Admittedly, sharing scientific discoveries will diminish the interests for some countries, but it can be solved by other methods. For example, when two counties are sharing scientific discoveries, the beneficiary could pay money to the supplier for the share to ease the loss of supplier.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that the government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries in the world, and that will benefit the whole world.