bonnenuit的作文帖！作文一直都是个弱项！求大牛帮忙批改作文！感激不尽啊！

bonnenuit

Students are more influence by their teachers than by their friends?

Students always spend most of their time with their friends and teachers when they are on  campus, their behaviors, actions, and thoughts are influenced by their around circumstance. Recently, a controversial topic has been risen to people about by whom students are more influenced, their teachers or their friends? People's opinion on this topic vary as a result of their own characters, emotional concerns, and educational backgrounds. As far as i concern, i firmly believe that friends have more influenced on students than teachers. I will give several reason to  illustrate the view of my point as followed.

To begin with, teachers cannot always know well about every student. They always have more than 20 students in charge, it is impossible for the teachers to keep in touch with the students all the time. What is more, some students will not always show their real face in front of their teachers for the sake of their fear for teachers. They always act their best out in order to impress their teachers, pretend that they really care about their teachers' suggestions, agree with their teachers' ideas, while when the teachers are not around them, they have already put these behind them, and follow their own rules.

Further more, the communication between students and teachers will never be as much as that between students and their friends. They like to share happiness, experience, hobbies with their friends, even imitate their friends' behavior, actions, and thoughts, just because they think these are really cool. Consequently, they influence each other. For example, one of roommates always smoked in dormitory, and he seemed to really enjoyed that. once he gave a cigarette to me, and i accepted it for the curiosity, then light the cigarette and imitated what he always did, and i thought i was really cool. Soon later, i found that the cigarette tasted so bad and regretted for what i had done.

All in all, from the reason listed above, we safely conclude that students are more influence by their friends than by their students.

bonnenuit

写作小分队作文 920独立写作
The most important investment of a company is to improve the skills of its employees ？

The development of economics and society, has tremendously promoted the expansion of industries, more and more new enterprises have risen in the past few years. Numerous skillful employees are demanded by the enterprises, however the shortage of qualified employee has made the enterprise have to invest a lot of money on cultivating their employees to meet their necessities. However , some claim that it is unnecessary for a company to consider the improving of its employees as the most significant investment. People's opinions vary as a result of their own characters, emotional concerns, and educational backgrounds. As far as i concerned, i firmly believe that it is the most significant investment of a company to improve the skills of its employees.

To begin with, team spirit is one of the most important skills. Nowadays, most of the employees that the company recruit are students who just graduate from school, and they not only have little experience, but also are lack of team spirit. The company should make them work together, share experience and communicate with each other to cultivate a sense of team spirit. The company has to invest a lot of money and time on them, and wait for the achievements patiently. Until that day, these employees will be the most valuable payback for the company.

Further more, the company also need to invest plenty of money and time on training the employees to be professional. The company has to hire some experienced teachers, also need to built necessary facilities or systems to help improve the professional skills of its employees in order to make the employees meet its standards.

However, the company has to bear the risk that some employees will choose to betray the company when they are lured by competitors with higher benefits. Therefore, several measures should be taken to prevent that to happen.

All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that the most important investment of a company is to improve the skills of its employees.

xeyyxzty

The development ofeconomics and society, has tremendously promoted the expansion of industries, and more and more new enterprises have risen(我不知道这个词是否恰当~个人水平问题哈，见谅) in the past few years. Numerousskillful employees are demanded by the enterprises, however the shortage ofqualified employees has made the enterprise have to invest a lot of money on cultivatingtheir employees to meet their necessities.(小建议哈，不要总是用一个词，employees/workers/staff,etc都是一个意思) However , some claim that it is unnecessary for a companyto consider the improving of its employees (the improvementof its employees’ skills of working) as themost significantinvestment. People's opinions vary as a result of their own characters,emotional concerns, and educational backgrounds. As far as i concerned, ifirmly believe that it is the most significant(significant很好，为什么要连着用呢~换一下吧) investment of a company to improve the skills of itsemployees.

To begin with, team spirit is one of the mostimportant skills. Nowadays, most of the employees that the company recruit arestudents who just graduate from school, and they not only have littleexperience, but also are lack of team spirit. The company should make them worktogether, share experience and communicate with each other to cultivate a senseof team spirit. The company has to invest a lot of money and time on them, andwait for the achievements patiently. Until that day, these employees will be themost valuable payback for the company.


Furthermore, the company also need to invest plenty of money and time on training theemployees to be professional. The company has to hire some experiencedteachers, also need to built (build) necessary facilities or systems(build facilities/systems怎么这么奇怪呢~不是这么搭配吧) to help improve the professional skills of its employeesin order to make the employees meet its standards.

However, the company has to bear the risk thatsome employees will choose to betray the company when they are lured bycompetitors with higher benefits(你是想说获利更高的公司，还是公司给雇员提供更好的待遇~不清楚，而且如果是第二种，我不认为这种表达方式正确~). Therefore,several measures should be taken to prevent that to happen.（貌似和主题没什么关系哈）

All in all, from the reasons listed above, we cansafely conclude that the most important investment of a company is to improvethe skills of its employees.


frankly,我觉得你的文章并不是很convincing~
比如第二个分论点，难道花费越多就说明越重要吗，如果是，那么你应该说明~如果不是，那么这个理由有点不成立~
思路再好好想一下吧~
语言上的错误我觉得应该在解决内容上的问题后再重点纠正~
比如用词重复，还有点口语化和chinglish
慢慢来~加油

bonnenuit

嗯嗯 好的  谢谢您的批改建议 我会改正的

bonnenuit

921独立写作spending money on traveling＆vacation vs. saving for future？

The development of economics and society, has tremendously promoted temporary people's living standard, and numerous improvement of material conditions. With more and more money under control, some people prefer to spend money on traveling or vacation, while others, choose to save money for the future. The people's opinion on the decision vary as a result of their own characters, emotional concern, even educational backgrounds. As far as i concerned, i firmly believe that spending money on traveling is more important than saving for future. I will give several reasons to illustrate the view of my point.



To begin with, traveling and vacation always bring us more happiness, which will hardly achieve from saving money for future. Buying a ticket, or refueling your car, or paying for the equipment that you need on journey, is what you ought to do before the traveling. Then, enjoying the freedom and the beauty of scenery will make you stay away from the boring work, and relax your mind. Recently , an investigation has been conducted by social behavior research team, discovering that, over 60 percent of people are willing to spend money on traveling and vacation rather than on other aspects.



Furthermore, the one who always save money for future, are reluctant to waste one cent on traveling, even on other things, and he is always unsatisfied with the number in bankbook. He words hard to make more money, and lives economically to accumulate more money . When he meets his goal, he finds it is too late to enjoy his life. Some of old generations always advice us to enjoy the life as soon as possible, and get more chances to explore the outside.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that spending money on traveling and vacation is more important than saving money for future.

bonnenuit

924独立写作


As an employee in a bank, i get so much work to do every day. In order to perform well and make the task done, i not only need to improve my professional skills, but also should maintain a healthy body. There are so many options to improve your health, such as kind of food you eat, amount of excise, amount of stress. People's options vary as a result of their own characters, emotional concerns, even educational backgrounds. As far as i concern, i firmly believe that amount of excise is the best choice for me. I will give several reasons to illustrate the view of my point.



Firstly, i have no extra time to arrange my meal according to some suggestions of health diets from scientists. And the mess hall offers the same meal to every employee, rather than prepares something special for you. What's more, host of tasks have been depressed me for long time, it is unlikely for me to choose amount of stress as one way to improve my health.



Further more, after a quick but careful analysis, i am quite in favor with excises. During the work, i can pause for minutes to do some easy excise to relax myself, like stretch excise, then keep concentrating on my work. The easy excise not only eases my tiredness, but also promotes my efficiency. In addition, excise will improve the quality of my sleep. After the whole day working, I always call on several colleagues to play basketball together. Consequently, i am able to sleep well at night after amount of excise. An investigation has been conducted by a social behavior research team, discovering that, high quality of sleep will contribute to good health.



All in all, from the reason listed above, i prefer to choose amount of excises to improve my health.

bonnenuit

925独立
People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.


Once i was appointed as a leader of a team by my boss, and also several colleagues with whom i familiar with were involved in the team, including one called Jim, a stubborn employee, who always ignored others' opinion and insisted on his own view. Since then, host of troubles had come to us, because Jim always went against with the whole group's decisions, and put forward several subjective suggestions, which were proved to be unreasonable after detailed analysis. Thus, our decisions were delayed. I had advised him not to do like that for many times, but he still put my words behind him. Consequently, i had to expel him from my team.



Therefore, i can learn from that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group. I will give several reasons to illustrate the view of my point as follows.



To begin with, people who cannot accept the criticism from others is not easy to work together. from the case of Jim described above, it is not difficult to tell that the stubborn one is always self-centered., and unaware of the significance of team spirit. As we all know, a good team should be that all members cooperate with each other peacefully, and act like the old saying, " all for one, one for all". However, the one who cannot accept the criticism likes the cancer in our bodies, we must get rid of it as soon as possible. The longer time he stays for, the worse situation we are in.



Further more, people who cannot accept the criticism from others is always selfish. He only cares about his feeling rather than others'. A good member of a group should be some who not only consider the whole group's interest as his own, but also devote himself to the group. While the selfish one solely concentrate on the profits at present, and regardless of the lone run benefits of the whole group.



All in all, we can safely conclude that, people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

xeyyxzty

除了字数少~别的都很好哇~~~As an employee in a bank, i get so much work to doevery day. In order to perform well and make the task done, i not only need toimprove my professional skills, but also should maintain a healthy body. Thereare so many options to improve your health, such as kind of food you eat,amount of excise, amount of stress. People's options vary as a result of theirown characters, emotional concerns, even educational backgrounds. As far as i concern(还是I’m concerned?), i firmly believe thatamount of excise is the best choice for me. I will give several reasons toillustrate the view of my point.
开头真棒！！！


Firstly, i have no extra time to arrange mymeal according to some suggestions of health diets from scientists. And themess hall offers the same meal to every employee, rather than prepares（还是preparing?不清楚哈） something special foryou. What's more, host of tasks have been depressed me for long time, （这儿缺少连词）it is unlikely for me tochoose amount of stress as one way to improve my health.



Further more, after a quick but carefulanalysis, i am quite in favor with excises. During the work, i can pause forminutes to do some easy excise to relax myself, like stretch excise, then keepconcentrating on my work. The easy excise not only eases my tiredness, but alsopromotes my efficiency. In addition, excise will improve the quality of mysleep. After the whole day working, I always call on several colleagues to playbasketball together. Consequently, i am able to sleep well at night afteramount of excise. An investigation has been conducted by a social behaviorresearch team, discovering that, high quality of sleep will contribute to goodhealth.



All in all, from the reason listed above, iprefer to choose amount of excises to improve my health.

注意exercise的拼写~还有就是分论点怎么只有两个呢？貌似一般都是三个哦~难怪字数偏少
和开头比，中间部分内容少呀~亲


总体感觉写的真不错！加油！！！

bonnenuit

额 因为时间总是不够写三个论据

verchieldan

925独立
People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.



（Once iIwas appointed as a leader of a team by my boss, and also several colleagues with whom I familiar with were involved in the team, including one called Jim, a stubborn employee, who always ignored others' opinion and insisted on his own view.这个句子好像没有主语once 引导一个从句，这个从局里用and连接两个部分，后面这个部分接了伴随状语，主句就没有了。。。）Since then, host of troubles had come to us, because Jim always went against with the whole group's decisions, and put forward several subjective suggestions, which were proved to be unreasonable after detailed analysis. Thus, our decisions were delayed. I had advised（为什么是过去完成时？）him not to do like that for many times, but he still put my words behind him. Consequently, I had to expel him from my team.



Therefore, iIcan learn from that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group. I will give several reasons to illustrate the view of my point as follows.



To begin with, people who cannot accept the criticism from others is not easy to work together. From the case of Jim described above, it is not difficult to tell that the stubborn one is always self-centered., and unaware of the significance of team spirits. As we all know, a good team should be that all members cooperate with each other peacefully, and act like the old saying, " all for one, one for all". However, the one who cannot accept the criticism likes the cancer(one likes cancer人像癌症？) in our bodies, we must get rid of it as soon as possible. The longer time he stays for, the worse situation we are in.



Furthermore, people who cannot accept the criticism from others is always selfish. He only cares about his feeling rather than others'. A good member of a group should be someone who not only consider the whole group's interest as his own, but also devote himself to the group. While the selfish one solely concentrate on the profits at present, and regardless of the lone run benefits of the whole group.(while 引导了从句，但用了and之后就没有了主句)

All in all, we can safely conclude that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.





建议：
1、字数不够，开头比结尾长，会不会觉得很奇怪啊。。。

2、注意and 的使用，因为我刚考完GMAT所以看到长句子比较敏感。。。很多从句链接在一起比较容易错，望以后注意哈，

3、结尾可以再重复说一下，也可以增加一些字数

4、例子很典型，很清楚

4、句子表达和举例上我还要向你多多学习，今天是第一天写托福作文，多多包涵哦。
附件是word 的修订模式，看得比较清楚