bonnenuit的作文帖！作文一直都是个弱项！求大牛帮忙批改作文！感激不尽啊！

bonnenuit

11.3独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People today would be happier if they had fewer possessions.



Nowadays, the living standards have been tremendously improved and people deposit a myriad of possessions, those attribute to the great progresses have been achieved in society and noticeable development in science. A controversial issue about whether people today would be happier if they had fewer possessions has given rise to a heated discussion. Various views held by people are resulted from their own different backgrounds and concerns. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree with that people would be more satisfied with the situation when they had fewer possessions.



To begin with, with fewer possessions, people would not be distracted by various financial problems. According to an investigation, more than 60 percent people still struggle with various economical problems, such as the loans, debts, expenses, and fees for raising and educating children. They have to work hard, even do another part-time job to fix up the difficulties. If people were free from these problems, the burdens on people's shoulders would be less heavier, and they would enjoy the life more than they do in the real lives.



Furthermore, not only would there be less the financial problems people confront with, but also people could obtain respect equally from others, if people had fewer possessions. An strange phenomenon does exist in the society that whether you can get respect up to the possessions you have. For example, the rich enterpriser is more easy to get respect and be recognized by the society than an normal employee. If people would not judge someone according to the possession he had, the discrimination would be eliminated.



Admittedly, people live and struggle in the world are to realize their values, and the most direct way to show their achievements is how much possessions they can deposit. However, most of them have to pay a lot of effort and sweat to achieve their goals. At the sam time, numerous pain, difficulties, and unhappiness are given rise during the process.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that people would be more happier if they had fewer possessions.

lmylacoste

The competitions in the international markets become more(强调变化，最好用more and more 或者increasingly）fierce, and enterprises take various measures and advantages to occupy more shares of the market to increase their sales and profits. Some people claim that people should buy things made in their own country, even the price is higher than （感觉这里加个the比较好）same things made somewhere else. As far as I am concerned, I think the prior assert（是指之前的断言吗？这个词组好像不怎么常见，而且assert是动词，可以this assertion，因为也只有一种观点，用代词更清晰，可讨论！）will fail to achieve its goal. I will give several reasons to support my view.

To begin with, people always have a preference for cheaper things. An investigation has been conducted by a social-behavior research team, discovering that more than 75 percent of consumers still take the price of goods into consideration at the first place（理解意思，感觉这句话有点别扭可以直接consideration above all 求讨论！！！）when they are consuming. It is a true fact that we always choose the cheaper ones when items are at the same or approximate conditions, seldomly think about(thinking about 要么加and）, even regardless of where they are made from（the place which thery are made from,from where 是不对的，where是副词）. At least for me, I usually check the price tag first, then evaluate the value of the goods, and make the final decision. Therefore, the country of origina（应该是名词） plays a （最好加little）part during the process of making decision.

Furthermore, the higher price does not stand for the higher quality. The last thing all the consumers want to do is buy（to buy) the inferior goods despite of(despite不加of，inspite of,而且用转折似乎逻辑不通，用递进比较好 even with)the higher price. Restricted to some technologies, it makes many domestic enterprises difficult to manufactory high quality items, （这句话it指代的是technologies吧，分词修饰有点问题感觉，求讨论！！！）resulting in losing their competition in their fields and the shares of markets （加which）are deprived by other exotic enterprise.

Admittedly, the domestic industries make tremendous contributions to our national GDP, and the government should protect them from being replaced by exotic enterprises in the markets by encouraging the people to buy things made in their own country. However, this protections will discourage the domestic enterprises to make any improvements on their own technologies when they enjoy the benefits, and it is unfair for consumers to undertake the higher price.

All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that it is not a good suggestion that people should buy things made in their own country; even the price is higher than same things made somewhere else.

总结：

1，用词不错，多样，exotic代替外国我觉得不错，但是也许不那么精准，它强调奇异的

2，内容饱满，事例详实

lmylacoste

我是lmylacoste，同学谢谢你的修改，我有两个问题能否不吝赐教
1.根据G的语法，which 和that 都是不能指代一句话的，应该用分词，求讨论！！！！
2.根据G的语法，代词指代一致性，也就是说，代词指代对象一致
eg.Japanese are loving their own country so that they are loyal to their domestic products since they have the confidence in the quality of commodities and buying the products is a good way to illustrate their patriotic spirit.  
their~they 所以应该没有指代错误哈，求讨论！！！

陈喵喵holdon

11.3独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People today would be happier if they had fewer possessions.



Nowadays, the living standards have been tremendously improved and people deposit a myriad of possessions, those attribute to the great progresses have been achieved in society and noticeable development in science. A controversial issue about whether people today would be happier if they had fewer possessions has given rise to a heated discussion. Various views held by people are resulted from their own different backgrounds and concerns. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree with that people would be more satisfied with the situation when they had fewer possessions.



To begin with, with fewer possessions, people would not be distracted by various financial problems. According to an investigation(是不是应该具体化一下investigation?), more than 60 percent people still struggle with various economical problems, such as the loans, debts, expenses, and fees for raising and educating children. They have to work hard, even do another part-time job to fix up the difficulties. If people were free from these problems, the burdens on people's shoulders would be less heavier, and they would enjoy the life more than they do in the real lives.



Furthermore, not only would there be less the financial problems people confront with, but also people could obtain respect equally from others, if people had fewer possessions. An(A) strange phenomenon does exist in the society that whether you can get respect up to the possessions you have. For example, the rich enterpriser is more easy to get respect(respected?) and be recognized by the society than an normal employee. If people would not judge someone according to the possession he had, the discrimination would be eliminated.



Admittedly, people live and struggle in the world are to realize their values, and the most direct way to show their achievements is how much(many) possessions they can deposit. However, most of them have to pay a lot of effort(efforts可数) and sweat to achieve their goals. At the sam time, numerous pain, difficulties, and unhappiness are given rise during the process.



All in all, from the reasons listed above, we can safely conclude that people would be more happier if they had fewer possessions.

-- by 会员 bonnenuit (2012/11/3 20:58:31)

读起来很流畅
觉得理由还不够有说服力

bonnenuit

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past, it was easier for people to identify what types of career or job would lead to a secure, successful future



Nowadays, millions of graduates are ready to enter into the society, however, part of them are still have difficulties in addressing what types of career or job that they desire for. Recently, some claim that it was easier for people to identify what kinds of career or job would lead to a secure, successful future in the past. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree with that it becomes uncertain for people to address their future goals.



To begin with, various jobs or careers with specific requirements are created. In the past, one person could be qualified for many jobs as the jobs were easy to manage and little professional skills or knowledge were required. For example, I heard from the old generations that in the past, anyone who had learned math or was good at math could work as an accountant and cashier at the same time. Nowadays, more specific jobs are created attributing to the development of industries and society, and employees with profession skills are necessary. An accountants work as accountant, while a cashier works as a cashier, neither can cross his area.



Further more, more X-factors exist in the contemporary age than those in the past. The rapid development of science and society not only has benefit the world with the introduction of advanced products and perfect systems, but it also has given risen to a lot of uncertain factors and risks. For example, the intense competition in the same position makes it more unclear for people's future career. An qualified one have to equip with more extraordinary stuffs to defend his position, or he will be taken place by other challengers.



Admittedly, people also had difficulties finding a desirable career or jobs subject to the few options that were available for them. However, it was relatively easier for people to identify what types of career or job would lead to a bright future just by following the precious patterns or take the advices from successful people.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that In the past, it was easier for people to identify what types of career or job would lead to a secure, successful future.

bonnenuit

11.6独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The way of a person’s dress is an indication of his or her personality or character.



We always can learn from the fairy tale that a evil heat underneath the fox's gorgeous fur. Recently, a controversial issue about whether the way of a person's dress is an indication of his or her personality or character has given rise to a lot of heated discussion. The various views held by people is resulted from their different backgrounds and concerns. As far as concerned, I tend to agree with that the ways of a person's dress does not stand for his inner heart.



To begin with, there are no straightforward connections between what a person dress and his or her personality or character. It is too rash to judge a person solely through his or her appearance as his or her personality or character is determined by many factors, such as backgrounds, education, and so on. I will take my experience as an example. Once I was appointed to meet with a new client. Two men from different ages but wore the same uniform came in when I was waiting in the meeting room. I was told that the client would come with his secretary before, however, I really had no ideas what the client looks like. I just naturally thought the old one should be the client that I was going to meet with but it turned out that the young man was the client that I should meet with rather than the old one.



Furthermore, the way of a person's dress is to achieve its special purpose rather than to display his or her personality or character. For example, we always dress tidily when we are having a interview so that we can show great respect to the interviewer and impress them. However, the interviewer get to know our personalities and characters during the process of communicating. Another example is that some people dress uniquely to attract the attention from others, such as singers and movie stars.



Admittedly, we may discovery a lot of clues about a person's personality or characters from the way of his or her dress. For example, we can learn that a neat and tidy person alway put on the neat and tidy dress. However, in order to get well know about a person, we should do more than look at the way of a person's dress.



All in all, from the reason listed above we can safely conclude that the ways of a person's dress does not stand for his inner heart.

lmylacoste

Nowadays, millions of graduates are ready to enter into the society, however,（它不是连词不能连接句子） part of them are still have difficulties in addressing what types of career or job that they desire （vt）for. Recently, some claim that it was easier for people to identify what kinds of career or job would lead to a secure, successful future in the past. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree with that it becomes uncertain for people to address their future goals.



To begin with, various jobs or careers with specific requirements are created. In the past, one person could be qualified for many jobs as the jobs were easy to manage and little professional skills or knowledge were required. For example, I heard from the old generations that in the past, anyone who had learned math or was good at math could work as an accountant and cashier at the same time（理解意思，不过可以说could easily get a job as an accountant and cashier,求讨论！）. Nowadays, more specific jobs are created attributing to the development of industries and society, and employees with profession skills are necessary（我觉得it is necessary for employees to master professional skills比较好）. An accountant works as accountant, while a cashier works as a cashier, neither can cross his area.



Further more, more X-factors exist in the contemporary age than those in the past. The rapid development of science and society not only has benefited the world with the introduction of advanced products and perfect systems, but it also has given rise to a lot of uncertain factors and risks. For example, the intense competition in(for) the same position makes it more unclear for people's future career. An qualified one have to equip(vt) with more extraordinary stuffs to defend his position, or he will be taken place by other challengers.



Admittedly, people also had difficulties finding a desirable career or jobs subject to the few options that were available for（to） them. However, it was relatively easier for people to identify what types of career or job would lead to a bright future just by following the precious patterns or take the advices from successful people.



All in all, from the reason listed above, we can safely conclude that In the past, it was easier for people to identify what types of career or job would lead to a secure, successful future.



总结

语言运用到位，观点清晰

字数偏少

bonnenuit

11.7独立
College or University should offer more preparation before they start working



Recently, an investigation has been conducted by a social matter research team, discovering that almost three million Chinese graduates are still waiting to be employed after they leave school. The huge number shocks everyone, and some blame this on the absence of preparation before the students start working offered by college or university. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree with that college or university should pay more attention to help student with better preparation for entering the society.



To begin with, the advices from the career guidance are really practical and significant for students. Although they have accumulated numerous knowledge in their brain and possessed necessary skills for surviving, the students seems like a paper without written and are still know little about the society due to the limited experience. However, the advices from the career guidance act like a lighter in the darkness to lead them to the right way. I will take my experience as an example. I felt really confused about my future when I just graduated from my university, and I did not know what kind of job was suit for me and how I could address myself into the society. I had to ask  MR CHEN, the teacher in the career guidance, for help. I explained my situation to him, and then he gave a lot of practical suggestions to me, which help me find my way consequently.



Furthermore, not only can the students better know about the themselves, what they want under the guidance, but also they can better know about the new environment with the help from career guidance. After they have found their ways, another problem the students have to confront with is that how to devote themselves into their careers. Recently, it is very common to see that a growing number of students switch their jobs to other realms and later on go back on the previous industries. Failing to meet the employers' requirement may be one explanation, but more importantly, they all acknowledged that they lack necessarily preparation and information before entering to a new career. If given a better job preparation, this kind of situation could be less serious.



Admittedly, some argue that searching for jobs and get well prepared are the students own responsibility, it does not mean that the college or university have nothing to with that. A study has show that Students with more guidance to their career always performance better than those who have nothing do. All in all, from the reason listed above we can safely conclude that college or university should offer more preparations to students before they start working.

AnthonySummer

11.6独立


粉红色拼写错误橘红色语法错误（谓语搭配单复数问题、固定搭配、空格多空了一格、逗号句号用错了）红色其他错误黄色精彩句子蓝色建议修改（个人建议，不对的地方多多指教啊）





Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The way of a person's dress is an indication of his or her personality or character.







We always can learn from the fairy tale that an evil heat underneath the fox's gorgeous fur. Recently, a controversial issue about whether the way of a person's dress is an indication of his or her personality or character has given rise to a lot of heated discussion. The various views held by people are resulted from their different backgrounds and concerns. As far as concerned, I tend to agree with that the ways of a person's dress does not stand for his inner heart.







To begin with, there are no straightforward connections between what a person dress and his or her personality or character. It is too rash to judge a person solely through his or her appearance as his or her personality or character is determined by many factors, such as backgrounds, education, and so on. I will take my experience as an example. Once I was appointed to meet with a new client. Two men from different ages but wore the same uniform came in when I was waiting in the meeting room. I was told that the client would come with his secretary before, however, I really had no ideas what the client looks like. I just naturally thought the old one should be the client that I was going to meet with but it turned out that the young man was the client that I should meet with rather than the old one. (這個列子的目的是什麽感覺不明顯,最後結尾最好補充一下你的主題)







Furthermore, the way of a person's dress is to achieve its special purpose rather than to display his or her personality or character. （開頭句很不錯！） For example, we always dress tidily when we are having an interview so that we can show great respect to the interviewer and impress them. However, the interviewer gets to know our personalities and characters during the process of communicating. Another example is that some people dress uniquely to attract the attention from others, such as singers and movie stars.







Admittedly, we may discover a lot of clues about a person's personality or characters from the way of his or her dress. For example, we can learn that a neat and tidy person always put on the neat and tidy dress. However, in order to get well know about a person, we should do more than look at the way of a person's dress. （這段意思不明顯，一下子沒明白和主題是什麽意思）







All in all, from the reason listed above we can safely conclude that the ways of a person's dress does not stand for his inner heart.

寫的非常簡潔明瞭，有幾段主題不是很明顯，感覺全篇文章比較平淡，最好來點精彩的句子加以點綴。加油吧！

bonnenuit

11.12 综合写作
In the lecture, the professor is skeptical about the idea of the idea of the reading passage that the 70-million-year-old fissile of T.red might still contain remains of the actual tissues of the animal. The professor argues that the materials revealed inside the T.rex leg bone might not be the remains of blood vessels, red blood cells, and collagen matrix.



In the reading passage,the presence of a soft,flexible organic substance inside the channels of fossilized leg bone nay very well represent the remains of the actual blood vessels of T.rex. On the contrary, the professor says that the soft, flexible organic substance is not necessary the remains of the actual blood vessel, but it may be something else. For example, the bacterian will live in the hollow and empty the bone after the animal die. What's more, the bacteria will leave behind the trace of organic tissues. Hence, the soft substance may be left by bacteria.



The professor then opposes reading's idea that the presence of sphere could be the remain of red blood cells by stating that the sphere are also found in some other animals, include those without blood cells.



Finally, the professor disapprove the reading's idea that collagen found in the leg bone is exactly the kind of biochemical material that one would expect to find in association with bone tissue. The professor points out that the collagen cannot last more than one hundred thousand years, however the fossil is 70-million-year-old, therefore the collage may come from other resource, for example it may come from the human who touched it