水极了的Hans开始写作文啦

fairyfinger

蓝色为意见或建议 红色为错误高亮为精彩 绿色为总结

7.29独立
Currently, with the gradually fiercer competition, bosses of companies are wondering how to get the most advantage of their investment and then get success. Substantial amount of people argue that the most important investment for a company is to spend money to improve the work skills of its employees. I truly agree with that argument and here are my reasons.

To begin with, it is extremely undeniable that with the investment to improve their employees' skills, companies can put themselves in an exceptionally beneficial place in the market. The more skills their employees get, the more efficiency can they acquire. However, if they are not willing to do, they will pay the exorbitant price. Signed by rapid change and progression, science and technology, especially for some specific careers, have changed the way they work. Providing that when the personal computers ushered (in) the electronic era but companies just get rid of them, it is incontrovertible that they will be abandoned by trends. A case in the point is a architecture company in Harbin, China. In 1998, computers had wide spreaded in China. However, the company still used paper and pencil, rather than categories of softwares such as CAD to draw the design paper. That made them have less and less benefits because of less efficiency. Subsequently, it finally bankrupted in 1999, leaving large quantities of debts. That is why I get the conclusion (come to the conclusion会不会顺一点?? )that investing money to improve employees' skills is a vitally integral part of companies' success.

Another equally important point is that the investment to improve skills can not merely contribute to employees' loyalty, but also help to improve their interpersonal relationship. Because employees should gather together to acquire knowledge with such investment, it is enormously gratifying when they have a sense of accomplishment from achieving arduous goals and a feeling of closeness between colleagues. A case in the point is(这个句式上面也用到了，可以考虑换一种） when I was a sophomore, I joined a surveying team(survey team就可以啦) in Jinan. Before working, the company used a large number of money to help us improve our skills. During that learning period, I got acquaintance with many friends, and all of my colleagues knew more about each other. Consequently, they felt the company became a family, and hardly could they leave their colleagues. No wonder the investment to improve employees' skills is particularly significant.

Judging from the evidence above,, with the benefits to become more competitive and make employees more loyal, obviously, spending money to improve the skills of employees is most essential to companies.

楼主的用词很多样化很好，有很多好的短语。
就是有时候句式会重复，可能自己写的时候不太注意，LZ在检查的时候可以试着变换句型～～
词汇语言结构举例什么的都很好的～～LZ加油！！：）

fairyfinger

蓝色为意见或建议 红色为错误高亮为精彩 绿色为总结

今天回来晚了Sorry！

7.30
Currently, the society is dramatically developing, so does the accumulation of problems. Under this condition, substantial amount of people argue that with so many problems, people in the modern world are less happy and less satisfied than people in the past. I truly agree with that statement and here are my reasons.

To begin with, the development of society, especially modern technology, has contributed to the life of a quick rhythm. Obviously, signed by rapid change and progression, science and technology, which have stepped into era of tremendous maturity and versatility, are reshaping our lives and world. Instant food, instant communication, faster transportation:all of these innovations are designed to save time. Ironically, instead of making more leisure time available, they have contributed to the more frantic and more rushed pace of human affairs. That also lead to the growing daily pressure.Therefore, just as the storm can ruin trees physically, so does daily pressure and quick life rhythm to people. Cardinal vascular diseases, coronary heart disease and categories of mental diseases have become extremely common for people, especially for people in developing countries. 这个specially in发展中国家想说明啥呢？是说发展中国家压力更大么还是？A case in the point is in 2005, nearly 50 people died in China when they were working just because of the enormous pressure from working place, family and society.Inevitably, people get less happy than in the past with large quantities of pressure and the rapid rhythm.
Hans我有点不是很明白，这个过劳死和生活快节奏有什么直接关系么？难道不是应该是过劳死和劳动量过大有关么@。@【所以这就是为什么我的思维被限制死了T T～～

Another equally important point is that people get less satisfied because of the proliferation of environmental pollution. Since people have burned fossil fuels for hundreds of years, environmental deterioration and misuse of unrewable resources have become very common. Those behaviors are particularly detrimental to the atmosphere. Subsequently, people in the modern world are more susceptible than people in the past. For instance, in China, some factories just dump their contaminated water with high proportion of metallic ions directly into the clean streams of river. With drinking that high concentration of such metallic ions as copper, people near that river are subject to large categories of cancers. From empirical evidence, most of the elder citizens in Changqing, a small village near a unknown polluted river, have died because of drinking that water. No wonder people can get less satisfied than ever before.
这个环境污染和rapid pace有神马关系呢。。。楼主好像没有点粗来???


Nevertheless, some people may insist that with the help of varied technology, people are now more comfortable. Consequently, people have become happier. In my opinion, the comfortable and convenient life have prevented people from developing into stronger and more independent individuals. People have become weaker and have less chance to develop. That is why people get satisfied.

To sum up, it is incontrovertible that with the high（higher，全都是比较） pressure, more pollution and less opportunities to evolve, people now are less happy and less satisfied than people in the past.

总得来说语言和结构什么的都很好
可是我有个疑问的说。。。那个题目是有两部分的，而我感觉你主要是侧重在后半部了。前面貌似只稍微提了下？
这题出的不好= =+
楼主加油！^^

hansxiao7

蓝色为意见或建议 红色为错误高亮为精彩 绿色为总结

今天回来晚了Sorry！

7.30
Currently, the society is dramatically developing, so does the accumulation of problems. Under this condition, substantial amount of people argue that with so many problems, people in the modern world are less happy and less satisfied than people in the past. I truly agree with that statement and here are my reasons.

To begin with, the development of society, especially modern technology, has contributed to the life of a quick rhythm. Obviously, signed by rapid change and progression, science and technology, which have stepped into era of tremendous maturity and versatility, are reshaping our lives and world. Instant food, instant communication, faster transportation:all of these innovations are designed to save time. Ironically, instead of making more leisure time available, they have contributed to the more frantic and more rushed pace of human affairs. That also lead to the growing daily pressure.Therefore, just as the storm can ruin trees physically, so does daily pressure and quick life rhythm to people. Cardinal vascular diseases, coronary heart disease and categories of mental diseases have become extremely common for people, especially for people in developing countries. 这个specially in发展中国家想说明啥呢？是说发展中国家压力更大么还是？A case in the point is in 2005, nearly 50 people died in China when they were working just because of the enormous pressure from working place, family and society.Inevitably, people get less happy than in the past with large quantities of pressure and the rapid rhythm.
Hans我有点不是很明白，这个过劳死和生活快节奏有什么直接关系么？难道不是应该是过劳死和劳动量过大有关么@。@【所以这就是为什么我的思维被限制死了T T～～

Another equally important point is that people get less satisfied because of the proliferation of environmental pollution. Since people have burned fossil fuels for hundreds of years, environmental deterioration and misuse of unrewable resources have become very common. Those behaviors are particularly detrimental to the atmosphere. Subsequently, people in the modern world are more susceptible than people in the past. For instance, in China, some factories just dump their contaminated water with high proportion of metallic ions directly into the clean streams of river. With drinking that high concentration of such metallic ions as copper, people near that river are subject to large categories of cancers. From empirical evidence, most of the elder citizens in Changqing, a small village near a unknown polluted river, have died because of drinking that water. No wonder people can get less satisfied than ever before.
这个环境污染和rapid pace有神马关系呢。。。楼主好像没有点粗来???


Nevertheless, some people may insist that with the help of varied technology, people are now more comfortable. Consequently, people have become happier. In my opinion, the comfortable and convenient life have prevented people from developing into stronger and more independent individuals. People have become weaker and have less chance to develop. That is why people get satisfied.

To sum up, it is incontrovertible that with the high（higher，全都是比较） pressure, more pollution and less opportunities to evolve, people now are less happy and less satisfied than people in the past.

总得来说语言和结构什么的都很好
可是我有个疑问的说。。。那个题目是有两部分的，而我感觉你主要是侧重在后半部了。前面貌似只稍微提了下？
这题出的不好= =+
楼主加油！^^

-- by 会员 fairyfinger (2012/7/31 22:35:02)

楼主果然不适合写这种题目啊。。。我这是两个论点，可能楼主看的比较急。。。1。节奏过快造成生活压力，让人生病，所以不快乐2.环境恶化让人也生病，所以不快乐。。。

fairyfinger

确实不熟悉哈哈
感觉思维被题目局限了，继续努力ing～～～：）

janet311

你去了starwood么？