水极了的Hans开始写作文啦

hansxiao7

7.23
Signed by rapid change and progression. Television, which is one the most prevalent technology in past decades, have extremely reshaped our lives our world, especially for children. Children prefer to watch cartoon and comic programs for a long time. Subsequently, substantial number of people argue that parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV in order to make them do well at school. I truly agree with the former opinion and here are my reasons.

To begin with, watching TV for a particularly long time will do harm to children's physical development . With the radiation from the colorful screen, the possibility for children to  gradually become short-sighted will dramatically raise. From empirical experience, children will not blink their eyes and sit exceedingly close to TV. Therefore, their eye sights will diminish in an astounding speed. If parents do not limit the hours children used to watch TV to protect their eyes, they will have trouble in watching blackboards in class, and that will inevitably make them perform worse. A case in the point is my best friend Daniel, he enjoyed the cartoon Transformer when studying in elementary school. At that period, he could watch the cartoon as many as he wanted, and consequently he soon became short-sighted. After that, he was not capable of seeing the words on blackboards clearly, and finally his study scores declined. That is why I get the conclusion that without the limitation of watching TV from their parents, children will study worse because of the short sights.

Another equally important point is that spending too much time in watching TV is exceedingly detrimental to children's mental progression. It is incontrovertible that children have worse ability to control themselves than adults. For children, they may be addicted with watching categories of TV programs. Hence, their study in school will indeed be influenced. Just as the hemp to some people, so is TV to children. In addition, some TV programs, such as Revenge and the Walking Dead, can have a typically great impact on children's thoughts, behaviors and attitudes. These programs are too bloody and violent. Providing that children happen to see these scenes, they may wonder how that happen and even imitate them in reality. That will not merely decrease their study score, but also make them go astray. The longer time they watch TV, the more possible for children to watch these programs after their favourite cartoons. No wonder parents should limit their children's time on watching TV in order to protect them.

To sum up, it is undeniable that with the great harmful physical and psychological effects, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV, rather than make them control the time by themselves.

易雨水巷

蓝色为意见或建议 红色为错误高亮为精彩 绿色为总结
Currently, with the gradually fiercer competition, people are wondering how to succeed on the contemporary life. At the same time, people have noticed the significance of dreams and goals, which are integral factors for their future success. Substantial amount of people argue that people should focus on realistic goals rather than ambitious dreams. However, on the contrary of the former opinion is my heartfelt agreement on the idea that the significance of the ambitious dreams, even some are not realistic, outweighsthe one of realistic goals. (我读着略微有点儿凌乱了，是不是要表达这个意思， On the contrary, instead of the former opinion, my heartfelt idea is that the significance of the ambitious dreams outweighs that of realistic goals . han 可以试着再改改，我只是提个建议)

To begin with, ambitious dreams have played an essential role in the development of whole humans. Since ancient times, people spontaneously have their dreams, and have tried their best to achieve them. That's (That is 托福作文里不可以出现缩写的哦) mainly from the desire to live better and extremely more convenient. Ancient people did not want to taste the bloody meat (raw meat 未加工的肉，生肉好像应该用raw，其实你可以查一下“茹毛饮血”怎么翻译的) any more （anymore）, so they developed fire the cook food （建议invented the invention of making fire artificially to cook food）; Europeans were not willing to live in their limited places, andsubsequentlythey used compass to voyage to Asia and the New World; producers were not able to build factories along any river streams, and therefore they innovated steam machines; people even wanted to fly in the sky as birds, and consequently the planes became an important vehicle for transportation. Those are all dreams, even unrealistic. People might used (use) large quantities of satires to tell the dreamers: "Why do not you change your dreams to unrealistic ones?" While （while 当“然而”表示转折的时候，应该是连接句子的，这里直接用转折词， nevertheless, nonetheless, however等就可以吧）without those unrealistic dreams, how was the society developing in such an astounding speed at that time? The realistic ones can inevitably make the society stable, not to make it develop (as opposed to development). Just as sky is the desire to birds, so are the dreams to the humans. On no account can we ignore the tremendous importance of the dreams to humans' development.（倒装！）

In addition, some dreams seem to be unrealistic, but they could be finally achieved. Just as the saying goes, nothing is impossible. A case in the point is Jan Vermeer, who was one of the most famous master （masters）of painting in light and shadow in Dutch Golden Age. He wanted to become a painter, rather than the traditionary （traditional）　professions (+such ?) as the lawyer and politician. But people at that time thought it was only a dream of hogwash. Consequently, Jan were not capable of selling anyone of his painting until he died, leaving no assets but a large number of debts for his family members. Life likes a box of chocolate, and you will never know what flavor of the next one. After ten years, some people found Jan's painting, and his dream finally came true after his death. Providing that a person dedicate his whole life to try to achieve his dream, his dream can finally come true, even at the beginning everyone think that is unrealistic.

To sum up, with the significance of the dreams to humans' development and the idea that ambitious dreams can also be achieved, people should focus on their dreams rather than just realistic goals. （结尾很简练紧凑）

to Han:
其实基本上没什么大问题，词汇也比较丰富，雨巷学到很多呢O(∩_∩)O~
蓝色部分基本上是雨巷对于一些句子、短语的说法的建议，仅供参考
加油↖(^ω^)↗

hansxiao7

7.24
Currently, with the gradually development of humanity, people have been more and more polite in past decades. Morals are imparted to people by parents, teachers and family members. Subsequently, in order to make the society more harmony, substantial number of people argue that there is never a reason to be rude to another person. However, on the contrary to the former opinion, my heartfelt agreement is that this depends on some situations to some extent.

To begin with, it is extremely undeniable that hardly should we be impolite to others in most of situations. Impolite and rudeness are always regarded as a unmoral behavior, and that will lead to grievous problems, especially for those who have specific careers. If soldiers use foul words to complain about the commander's order, on no account can they continue their careers; if employees show impolite behaviors to superintendents and bosses, they will pay exorbitant price and even be fired; if teachers do some unmoral things to students, they maybe accused by students' parents. Because the mutual respect is the foundation of their social relationships, rudeness can never happen on any condition\. No wonder people can never be rude to others in most of the situations.

However, even it is generally accepted that rudeness is a signal of an unmoral person, it is hardly appropriate to say that people can never be rude. If people are sometimes rude to their friends and then explain the reason, under special circumstance can we condone them. As we know, instant food, instant communication, faster transportation, all of these innovations are designed to save time. Ironically, instead of making more leisure time available, the development have contributed to the pace of human affairs which is more frantic and more rushed than ever before. Subsequently, with the life of a rapid rhythm, people sometimes may feel exceedingly annoyed with no reason. We can understand what they are suffering,and also the reason why they are rude to us. For example, I told a large number of interesting jokes to my best friend Daniel. However, instead of laughing, he ignored me. It is incontrovertible that this behavior is particularly impolite, so at that time I was very angry. While on the next day he explained that he felt large quantities of pressure from his study, we were friends again. There are some reason for people to be rude.Therefore, we should condone rather than condemn them after them explanation.

To sum up, some people can never be rude because of their careers' limitation.But for our friends, we can understand why they are rude to us sometimes because of the life of a quick rhythm.

hansxiao7

7.25
Currently, society is developing, so does the accumulation of social problems. Among those problems are most obvious ones: the polluted environment, the increasing daily pressure and the wars and conflicts among people. Therefore, substantial amount of people argue that the most important problems in today's world will be solved in our lifetime. However, contrary to the former opinion, my heartfelt agreement is that hardly can we solve any of the problems in our lifetime. Here are my reasons.

To begin with, with the gradually boost of economics, rapid environmental deterioration and the misuse of unrewable resources have become grievous problems. Since the industrial time, burning of the fossil fuels has contributed to the contaminated river streams, polluted atmosphere and the scarce of large quantities of resources. That also make people less healthy than ever before. For instance, the factories dumping polluted water with high proportion of metallic ions into the clean river. Subsequently, vegetables which are irrigated with that kind of water will also diminish people's intelligence because of the detrimental effect of the ions. Not to speak of the large categories of cancers, respiratory diseases and cardinal vascular diseases which are the consequence of the polluted environment. This problem cannot be easily handled because the contemporary fuels and producing factories will still be used for hundreds of years. Some people may think we can solve it by harnessing new resources, such as the wind and solar power. Nevertheless, the improvement and proliferation of that technology will spend many years. Hence, we will never say the final solution of the problem in our lifetime.

In addition, the society and modern technology have all made the pressure dramatically increase. Instant food, instant communication, faster transportation: all of these innovations are designed to save time. Ironically, instead of making more leisure time available, the development has render the pace of human affairs more frantic and more rushed than ever before. Consequently, people have nearly no time to have physical and mental relaxation. That also lead to a large number of problems, such as the coronary heart disease and death because to the exhaustion. In addition, with the gradually fiercer competition, the rhythm of our lives will become more and more rapid. And that will make the problem of highly pressure more serious, rather than be solved in our lifetime.

Moreover, the wars and conflicts among people cannot be solved according to Darwin's evolution theory. In order to get more resources to survive, people will uses different excuses to invade others. In order to get the raw oil, America invaded large quantities of countries; in order to get military benefits, Japan occupies the Fishing Island is its territory; in order to get more benefits, commanders order their citizens to submit more taxes in Africa. The nature of human, the lure of treasure and the less developed humanity has made millions of people still have a miserable life and have to face the dangers of starvation and exposure. Science is developing, but that problem will never be solved just with the technology. That's why I get the conclusion this problem will never be solved in our lifetime.

To sum up, although the society is developing, we cannot solve any of the problems in our lifetime.

Vance1991

蓝色为意见或建议 红色为错误高亮为精彩 绿色为总结
Currently, with the gradually development of humanity, people have been more and more polite in past decades. Morals are imparted to people by parents, teachers and family members(这里parents和family members是不是有点重合了？). Subsequently, in order to make the society more harmony, substantial number of people argue that there is never a reason to be rude to another person. However, on the contrary to the former opinion, my heartfelt agreement is that this depends on some situations to some extent.

To begin with, it is extremely undeniable that hardly should we be impolite to others in most of situations. Impolite(Impoliteness) and rudeness are always regarded as a unmoral behavior(as unmoral behaviors 前面用are，这里要behaviors), and that will lead to grievous problems, especially for those who have specific careers. If soldiers use foul words to complain about the commander's order, on no account can they continue their careers; if employees show impolite behaviors to superintendents and bosses, they will pay exorbitant price and even be fired; if teachers do some unmoral things to students, they maybe(may be) accused by students' parents. Because the mutual respect is the foundation of their(their是指前面的teachers?换people‘s会好点吧) social relationships, rudeness can never(be) happen on any condition(in any condition). No wonder people can never be rude to others in most of the situations.

However, even it is generally accepted that rudeness is a signal of an unmoral person, it is hardly appropriate to say that people can never be rude. If people are sometimes rude to their friends and then explain the reason, under special circumstance can we condone them(we can condone them这里不能部分倒装，如果要部分倒装的话是only under special circumstances...而且必须在句首吧). As we know, instant food, instant communication, faster transportation, all of these innovations are designed to save time. Ironically, instead of making more leisure time available, the development have(has) contributed to the pace of human affairs which is(are) more frantic and more rushed than ever before. Subsequently, with the life of a rapid rhythm, people sometimes may feel exceedingly annoyed with no reason. We can understand what they are suffering,(空格)and also the reason why they are rude to us(us换成others). For example, I told a large number of interesting jokes to my best friend Daniel. However, instead of laughing, he ignored me. It is incontrovertible that this behavior is particularly impolite, so at that time I was very angry(分成两个句子，一个句子里只能有一个谓语动词，或者可以把逗号换成分号的！). While on the next day he explained(to me) that he felt large quantities of pressure from his study, we were friends again(分成两个句子，一个句子里只能有一个谓语动词，或者可以把逗号换成分号的！). There are some reason for people to be rude.Therefore, we should condone rather than condemn them after them(their) explanation(s).
To sum up, some people can never be rude because of their careers' limitation.But for our friends, we can understand why they are rude to us sometimes because of the life(lifestyle会更好些) of a quick rhythm.


楼主的一些用词很高级，很棒！部分句子也很精彩！
不过，标点符号和部分倒装那里要注意一下。

hansxiao7

蓝色为意见或建议 红色为错误高亮为精彩 绿色为总结
Currently, with the gradually development of humanity, people have been more and more polite in past decades. Morals are imparted to people by parents, teachers and family members(这里parents和family members是不是有点重合了？). Subsequently, in order to make the society more harmony, substantial number of people argue that there is never a reason to be rude to another person. However, on the contrary to the former opinion, my heartfelt agreement is that this depends on some situations to some extent.

To begin with, it is extremely undeniable that hardly should we be impolite to others in most of situations. Impolite(Impoliteness) and rudeness are always regarded as a unmoral behavior(as unmoral behaviors 前面用are，这里要behaviors), and that will lead to grievous problems, especially for those who have specific careers. If soldiers use foul words to complain about the commander's order, on no account can they continue their careers; if employees show impolite behaviors to superintendents and bosses, they will pay exorbitant price and even be fired; if teachers do some unmoral things to students, they maybe(may be) accused by students' parents. Because the mutual respect is the foundation of their(their是指前面的teachers?换people‘s会好点吧) social relationships, rudeness can never(be) happen on any condition(in any condition). No wonder people can never be rude to others in most of the situations.

However, even it is generally accepted that rudeness is a signal of an unmoral person, it is hardly appropriate to say that people can never be rude. If people are sometimes rude to their friends and then explain the reason, under special circumstance can we condone them(we can condone them这里不能部分倒装，如果要部分倒装的话是only under special circumstances...而且必须在句首吧). As we know, instant food, instant communication, faster transportation, all of these innovations are designed to save time. Ironically, instead of making more leisure time available, the development have(has) contributed to the pace of human affairs which is(are) more frantic and more rushed than ever before. Subsequently, with the life of a rapid rhythm, people sometimes may feel exceedingly annoyed with no reason. We can understand what they are suffering,(空格)and also the reason why they are rude to us(us换成others). For example, I told a large number of interesting jokes to my best friend Daniel. However, instead of laughing, he ignored me. It is incontrovertible that this behavior is particularly impolite, so at that time I was very angry(分成两个句子，一个句子里只能有一个谓语动词，或者可以把逗号换成分号的！). While on the next day he explained(to me) that he felt large quantities of pressure from his study, we were friends again(分成两个句子，一个句子里只能有一个谓语动词，或者可以把逗号换成分号的！). There are some reason for people to be rude.Therefore, we should condone rather than condemn them after them(their) explanation(s).
To sum up, some people can never be rude because of their careers' limitation.But for our friends, we can understand why they are rude to us sometimes because of the life(lifestyle会更好些) of a quick rhythm.


楼主的一些用词很高级，很棒！部分句子也很精彩！
不过，标点符号和部分倒装那里要注意一下。

-- by 会员 Vance1991 (2012/7/25 9:40:20)

谢谢VANCE！话说那个第二个忘断句的那个因为前一句有while所以不用断 vanca说的问题很重要，下次一定改正！

Vance1991

饿，那个while。。。我中午午睡的时候意识到了。。。

hansxiao7

7.26
Currently, with the gradually fiercer competition, people are willing to get educated in order to put then in an exceptionally beneficial place in the job market. Thanks to the social development, people are now indeed easier to become educated than in the past. Among the various reasons that contribute to that phenomenon are two obvious ones: the development of science and technology, and the social stability.

To begin with, it is extremely undeniable that people are easier to acquire knowledge today with the additional help of the technology. Signed by rapid change and progression, science and technology, which have stepped into era of tremendous maturity and versatility, are reshaping our lives and world. Large quantities of innovations, especially the Internet, render people get access to educational resources around the world. However, in ancient times, people could never achieve. For instance, could people in Europe learn how to cook Chinese food from people in China in the medieval? Could artists in America learn how to handle light and shadow from Jan Vermeer in Dutch Golden Age? Could artisans in Asia acquire the knowledge of Australia rock fresco from tribal people hundreds of years ago? Obviously, the answer are all "no". On the contrary, in the modern world, you can learn from celebrated teachers wherever you are, and consequently get the most advanced knowledge. No wonder people on the contemporary life are easier to get educated than before.

Another equally significant factor is that since the social is extremely stable, people are capable of having better study environment than in ancient time. In the past, because of the frequent wars and conflicts, there were millions of people who had miserable life and had to face the dangers of starvation and exposure. Compared to the modern world, fire and sword is the main rhythm of society, hardly could people get enough necessities, not to speak of getting educated. That is actually real in ancient China, especially in Qing Dynasty. People were always suffering to survive, and they could not acquire any knowledge. However, in today's China, society is not merely stable, but also exceedingly harmony. People do not need to worry about subsisting.Consequently, more people get educated. On no account can we ignore the great significance of the social stability to people's education. That is why I jump into the conclusion that people today are much easier to get educated.

Judging from the evidence above, with the development of technology and the stablity of modern society, people are easier to get educated than in the past.

huluhulufei

Re--7.23
Signed by（Noticeable as） rapid change and progression.(改为逗号) Television（应为小写）, which is one （加个 of）the most prevalent technology in past decades, have extremely reshaped our lives (加个and?) our world, especially for children. Children prefer to watch cartoon and comic programs for a long time. Subsequently, substantial numbers of people argue that parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV in order to make them do well at school. I truly agree with the former(哪个？此处只看到一个) opinion and here are my reasons.

To begin with, watching TV for a particularly long time will do harm to children's physical development. With the radiation from the colorful screen, the possibility for children to gradually become short-sighted will dramatically raise.（There is an increasing trend these days about the possibility for children to become short-sighted, due to the radiation from TV screen. 这么说是不是更舒服一点？） From empirical experience, children will not blink their eyes and sit exceedingly close to TV. Therefore, their eye sights will diminish in an astounding speed. If parents do not limit the hours children used to watch TV（the time that children spend on TV, 这么说是不是舒服些？而且哪个used感觉怪怪的）to protect their eyes, they will have trouble in watching blackboards in class, and that（which） will inevitably make them perform worse. A case in the point is my best friend Daniel, he enjoyed the cartoon Transformer when studying in elementary school. At that period, he could watch the cartoon as many as he wanted, and consequently he soon became short-sighted. After that, he was not capable of seeing the words on blackboards clearly, and finally his study scores declined. That is why I get the conclusion that without the limitation of watching TV from their parents, children will study worse because of the short sights. 观点明确，举例很好！

Another equally important point is that spending too much time in（on）watching TV is exceedingly detrimental to children's mental progression. It is incontrovertible that children have worse ability to control themselves than adults. For children, they may be addicted with watching categories of TV programs. Hence, their study in school will indeed be influenced. Just as the hemp to some people, so is TV to children. In addition, some TV programs, such as Revenge and the Walking Dead, can have a typically great impact on children's thoughts, behaviors and attitudes. These programs are too bloody and violent. Providing that children happen to see these scenes, they may wonder how that happen and even imitate them in reality. That will not merely decrease their study score, but also make them go astray. The longer time they watch TV, the more possible for children to watch these programs after their favourite cartoons (什么意思？). No wonder parents should limit their children's time on watching TV in order to protect them.句子很好！用词比较难，观点明确~

To sum up, it is undeniable that with（when face with） the great harmful physical and psychological effects, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV, rather than make them control the time by themselves.



1Hans 用词上很大胆，在形容词和副词上，大胆些很好！不过在动词上，应谨慎一些。

2句式应该调整到更舒服的形式。

3 思路和文章结构都很好~ 是feifei 改的第一篇四段式哦~ 加油！！

hansxiao7

Currently, with the gradually developing science and technology, people are capable of knowing every events around the world as soon as they happen. At the same time, substantial amount of people prefer not to handle this convenience because they think the big events have nothing to do with people. However, on the contrary to that decision, my heartfelt agreement is that we should know the events happening around the world. Here are my reasons.

To begin with, it is hardly appropriate to say events around the world unlikely have influence on our daily lives. Just as a butterfly can cause a hurricane when it flap its wing, consequently, big events can also have typically great impact on our world. Wars near Arab world can cause the scarce of raw oil, and therefore the petroleum we use will raise its price; the government puts out a new politician about chemical industry, and hence the stock will change dramatically; a storm hit Taiwan, and subsequently the fruits' price in China will become extremely high. It seems that some events are not particularly relative to our lives. However, according to the butterfly effect, all things are connected, and a single event can also change our lives to some extent. No wonder we should focus the news around the world.

In addition, with the additional help of big events,  we can have large quantities of topics to discuss with others. Obviously, that can inevitably improve our interpersonal relationship and communication. We are able to change different ideas about the conflicts around the China South Sea, the presidential election in America and also the Kobe Bryant in London Olympic Games. It is incontrovertible that the same topic can not merely diminish the difference of people among regions, but also make people have more knowledge. That is why I get the conclusion that we should focus on the worldwide events.

Another equally important point is that acquiring knowledge of events can also put us in an exceptionally beneficial place in the job markets. On the contemporary life, diplomas of bachelor, even ones of master have become particularly common. Accordingly, in order to choose the best employees, interviewers will prefer to ask their opinions towards a big events, rather than only look at their score and ranks. For example, when I was a sophomore, I wanted to enter the students union and I participated in an interview. At that time, the interviewer asked me something about the economic crisis in Greece. I finally failed to pass the interview because I could not answer that question. On no account can we ignore the great significance of knowledge of events.

To sum up, with a large number of benefits, hardly can we argue that we should not know the events happening around the world.