刺猬加入『写作小分队』 真心想改掉拖延症 要坚持

Herisson0509

4月3日 110617NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can achieve happiness if they make others happy.

What is the accurate meaning of happiness? People may give a varitey of answers owing to their individual value systems. Hence, the definition is not easy to make. On balance, while I agree with the assertion that I will achieve happiness if I make others cheerful. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as discussed below.

To begin with, it is so enjoyable that give him a hand when someone is in trouble. No one can deny that be ready to help others is the Chinese traditional virtue. In further areas, the poor cannot afford to study, even live. Most well-meaning persons donnot hesitate to assist them with plenty of their own money to offer what they need. In addition, take Leifeng as an example, he often help people without any rewards. When asked why did this, he said he was glad to help those who need assistance. The more happier others are, the more delighted he is. Thus, make others pleased is a convenient approach to acquire joy.

Morever, there is no doubt that friends should share happiness and sorrows. As the popular saying goes, A friend in need is a friend indeed. When your intimate are frustrated, you will be anxious and hurry to drive her bothers away. For instance, my emotion usually tightly related to my associates. So I often spare my efforts to come up with various ideas for resolving their troubles. Though the process is hard, I still believe nothing is more important to offer them joy. I am always taking pleasure to do for the sake of seeing smiles on their faces.

Last not the least, you wouldnot feel ioyful if you do harm to someone. Maybe hurt people enable you to get a temporary joy. Whereas, you will sink into deep self-accusation for a long time. As a consequence, we cannot emphasis the importance of pleasing others too much.

In conclusion, while some people may remain unconvinced, the reasons that I have analyzed in above argument should at least make them aware of the complexities of the issue under discussion. Considering the all aspects , I hold the view that people can be happy with giving others pleasures.

婷婷connie

改完了~
4月3日 110617NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can achieve happiness if they make others happy.

What is the accurate meaning of happiness? People may give a varitey(variety)of answers owing to their individual value systems. Hence, the definition is not easy to make. On balance, while(while放在这好吗？) I agree with the assertion that I will achieve happiness if I make others cheerful. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as discussed below.

To begin with, it is so enjoyable that give him a hand when someone is in trouble. No one can deny that be(being) ready to help others is the Chinese traditional virtue. In further(remote) areas, the poor cannot afford to study, even live. Most well-meaning persons donnot(do not)hesitate to assist them with plenty of their own money to offer what they need. In addition, take Leifeng as an example, he often helps people without any rewards. When asked why did this, he said he was glad to help those who need assistance. The more happier others are, the more delighted he is. Thus, make others pleased is a convenient approach to acquire joy.

Morever(moreover), there is no doubt that friends should share happiness and sorrows. As the popular saying goes, A friend in need is a friend indeed. When your intimate are(is) frustrated, you will be anxious and hurry to drive her bothers away. For instance, my emotion usually tightly related to my associates. So I often spare my efforts to come up with various ideas for resolving their troubles. Though the process is hard, I still believe nothing is more important to offer(than offering)them joy. I am always taking pleasure to do for the sake of seeing smiles on their faces.

这一段的TS跟主题联系得不够紧密，“同甘苦共患难”跟“别人开心，自己就开心了”还有一点差别，最好过渡一下。

Last not the least, you wouldnot feel ioyful（joyful） if you do harm to someone. Maybe hurt(hurting) people enablesyou to get a temporary joy. Whereas, you will sink into deep self-accusation for a long time.(这里应该加一个细节，要不然就跟前面两段参差不齐了)As a consequence, we cannot emphasis（emphasize,emphasis是名词） the importance（这个用过了先，改成significance） of pleasing others too much.

In conclusion, while some people may remain unconvinced, the reasons that I have analyzed in above argument should at least make them aware of the complexities of the issue under discussion. (这些好中式，可以不要了)Considering the all aspects , I hold the view that people can be happy with giving others pleasures.（段尾可以展望未来，要是所有人都能使别人开心，世界会变得怎么样之类的）

Conclusion:感觉Herisson进步好大地说~

但是一定要加强论点和主题之间的逻辑论证。另外，就是写完检查了，有一点小的拼写错误，和单数没有加s

Herisson0509

4月4日 110610NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It’s more important for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building.

Nowdays, we can see many old historical sites placed by more modern structures in the city. Which is more important to us? People may give diverse answers owing to their individual value systems. Hence, the decision is not easy to make. Nevertheless, I donnot agree with the assertion that it is more eventful for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as dicussed below

To begin with, it is well known that ancient structures are closely related to the history and culture of the city. Those antiquated constructions are the city’s root because they desposit a period of history. The recorded past information are the physical evidence of civilization. Through them, we can roughly imagine what would the city be like in that year. Old buildings are not only history, but also are endowed with great value and specific meaning. Thus, we cannot emphasize the significance of protecting old antique objects too much.

Morever, antiquity plays a increasing important role in tourism industry to our country. With the remarkable development of living standard, people often spare their free time to visit plases of interests. Those foreigners are no expection. For instance, I once ask one of my American friends why he like Chinese so much. He told me that unique ancient flavor does appeal to him, especially China’s attractions, such as, the Forbidden City, Summer Palace, etc. In addition, unique relics can also increase the potential for communtity economic development. So, we should cherish them as our rare tourism resoures.

Last not the least, plenty of new housings may give people a feeling of denying own past. Though modern apartments with the times represent society’s progress, on no account can we reject our nation’s history ancestors created by their hands. Thinking of what happened to the Summer Palace in history, Chinese People still have pain on heart because they are so previous to us. To be frank, it is not sensible to contribute too much to the new buildings.

Above all, in breif, old buildings are indispensable to Chinese Nation. Considering the all aspects, I strongly commit the notion that the government should spare no efforts to conserve our architectural heritage.

喵喵了个咪

Nowdays(拼写nowadays), we can see many old historical sites (被动形式be done.需要加are) placed by more modern structures in the city. Which is more important to us? People may give diverse answers owing to their individual value systems. Hence, the decision is not easy to make. Nevertheless, I donnot（除了cannot没有这种缩写形式而且你拼错了。。）agree with the assertion that it is more eventful for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as dicussed(discussed) below.

To begin with, it is well known that ancient structures are closely related to the history and culture of the city(文化修饰城市好像不太准确吧，建议改为nation或者country). Those antiquated constructions are the city’s root because they desposit(deposited拼写错了而且需要用过去式) a period of history. The recorded past information are the physical evidence of civilization. Through them, we can roughly imagine what would the city be like in that year. Old buildings are not only history, but also are endowed with great value and specific meaning. Thus, we cannot emphasize the significance of protecting old antique objects too much.

Morever(moreover), antiquity plays a increasing important role in tourism industry to our country(一般会说to谁in哪吧。不过这里貌似也不算语法错误). With the remarkable development of living standard, people often spare(我觉得这里用spend恰当些) their free time to visit plases(places) of interests. Those foreigners are no expection(exception). For instance, I once ask one of my American friends why he like Chinese so much. He told me that unique ancient flavor does appeal to him, especially China’s attractions, such as, the Forbidden City, Summer Palace, etc. In addition, unique relics can also increase the potential for communtity economic development(促进地区经济发展？economic development of the region,community拼错了). So, we should cherish them as our rare tourism resoures(resources).

Last not the least, plenty of new housings may give people a feeling of denying own past. Though modern apartments with the times(前边已经说了是modern后边又出现times语义重复) represent society’s progress (应用形容词而不是所有格social progress), on no account can we reject our nation’s history ancestors created by their hands(改为created by ancestors' hands). Thinking of what happened to the Summer Palace in history, Chinese People(chinese本身就是中国人的意思) still have pain(用feel pain好些吧)on heart(in the heart或者at the heart没有on heart这种用法) because they are so previous to us. To be frank, it is not sensible to contribute too much to the new buildings(对新房子做贡献不明显？表述有问题。).

Above all, in brief(brief), old buildings are indispensable to Chinese Nation. Considering the all aspects, I strongly commit(commit to) the notion that the government should spare no efforts to conserve our architectural heritage.

你的拼写有些问题，单词背准确哈~然后就是文章的连接词换换，你这些都是四六级用的~

文章用的是三部递进式的论述方式。但是第三点论点不够典型，可以归入第一点一起写。

总体来说还不错~继续努力！

Herisson0509

4月4日修改 110610NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It’s more important for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building.



Nowadays, we can see many old historical sites are placed by more modern structures in the city. Which is more important to us? People may give diverse answers owing to their individual value systems. Hence, the decision is not easy to make. Nevertheless, I do not agree with the assertion that it is more eventful for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as dicussed below.



To begin with, it is well known that ancient structures are closely related to the history and culture of the nation. Those antiquated constructions are the city’s root because they deposited a period of history. The recorded past information are the physical evidence of civilization. Through them, we can roughly imagine what would the city be like in that year. Old buildings are not only history, but also are endowed with great value and specific meaning. Thus, we cannot emphasize the significance of protecting old antique objects too much.



Moreever, antiquity plays a increasing important role in tourism industry to our country. With the remarkable development of living standard, people often spare their free time to visit plases of interests. Those foreigners are no exception. For instance, I once ask one of my American friends why he like Chinese so much. He told me that unique ancient flavor does appeal to him, especially China’s attractions, such as, the Forbidden City, Summer Palace, etc. In addition, unique relics can also increase the potential for community economic development. So, we should cherish them as our rare tourism resources.



Last not the least, plenty of new housings may give people a feeling of denying own past. Though modern apartments represent society’s progress, on no account can we reject our nation’s history created by ancestors’ hands. Thinking of what happened to the Summer Palace in history, Chinese People still feel pain because they are so previous to us. To be frank, it is not sensible to contribute too much to the new buildings.

Above all, in brief, old buildings are indispensable to Chinese Nation. Considering the all aspects, I strongly commit to the notion that the government should spare no efforts to conserve our architectural heritage.

With the developing of our country, more and more skyscrapers are building up around us which show how convenient and comfortable the daily life are. Recently, people have shown an increased interest in a question that should the government build the new house instead of old historic building? For me, I strongly disagree this statement which pointed that protecting old historic building is waste time and money for the development of our city.

Herisson0509

修改4.3

改完了~
4月3日 110617NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can achieve happiness if they make others happy.

What is the accurate meaning of happiness? People may give a varitey variety(variety)of answers owing to their individual value systems. Hence, the definition is not easy to make. On balance, (while放在这好吗？) I agree with the assertion that I will achieve happiness if I make others cheerful. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as discussed below.

To begin with, it is so enjoyable that give him a hand when someone is in trouble. No one can deny that be being(being) ready to help others is the Chinese traditional virtue. In further(remote) areas, the poor cannot afford to study, even live. Most well-meaning persons donnotdo not(do not)hesitate to assist them with plenty of their own money to offer what they need. In addition, take Leifeng as an example, he often helps people without any rewards. When asked why did this, he said he was glad to help those who need assistance. The more happier others are, the more delighted he is. Thus, make others pleased is a convenient approach to acquire joy.

MoreverMoreover(moreover), there is no doubt that friends should share happiness and sorrows. When your intimate areis(is) frustrated, you will be anxious and hurry to drive her bothers away. For instance, my emotion usually tightly related to my associates. So I often spare my efforts to come up with various ideas for resolving their troubles. Though the process is hard, I still believe nothing is more important to offerthan to offer(than offering)them joy. I am always taking pleasure to do for the sake of seeing smiles on their faces.

这一段的TS跟主题联系得不够紧密，“同甘苦共患难”跟“别人开心，自己就开心了”还有一点差别，最好过渡一下。

Last not the least, you wouldnot feel ioyful joyful（joyful） if you do harm to someone. Maybe hurting(hurting) people enables you to get a temporary joy. Whereas, you will sink into deep self-accusation for a long time.(这里应该加一个细节，要不然就跟前面两段参差不齐了)As a consequence, we cannot emphasize（emphasize,emphasis是名词） the importance significance（这个用过了先，改成significance） of pleasing others too much.

Considering the all aspects , I hold the view that people can be happy with giving others pleasures.If everyone contributes herself to make others happy generously, the world would be more beautiful.（段尾可以展望未来，要是所有人都能使别人开心，世界会变得怎么样之类的）

Conclusion:感觉Herisson进步好大地说~

但是一定要加强论点和主题之间的逻辑论证。另外，就是写完检查了，有一点小的拼写错误，和单数没有加s

Herisson0509

moon~~·估计·得辛苦你了 写的挺纠结的 思路都不太清晰

4月5日 110528NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One can learn a lot about the person from the type of friends the person has.



As the popular saying goes, Birds of a feather flock together. Many people believe that one person must be like what his friends be. Nevertheless, I do not agree with the assertion that one can realize the person simply through his friends. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as dicussed below.

Initially, there is no doubt that everyone possesses own unique character. And it is universally acknowledged that personality is too complex to understand. Maybe you are extremely similar to your intimates, whereas it cannot be completely to know you. In fact, many differences do hide beneath the surface. For instance, I often told my roommates the story of my best associate. Once I brought her to my dormitory. To their surprises, she is an fair lady rather than a lively girl like me. Thus, it is not sagasicous to judge one from the people around him.

Furthermore, no one can deny that it is possible for us to associate with a variety of companions. So various friends are that they enable our life colorful. By getting along with them, we can increase more knowledge of all aspects. Although some of them are entirely out of your flavor, it doesn’t matter. Take me as an ease, I own all sorts of intimates due to my outgoing nature. Whereas we don’t have much in common. Though we often has a quarrel with each other on an issue, I still love being with them. So, on no account can we learn others from the types of friends they have.

Admittedly, most people hold the view that those who have a common goal can be together. If do not share the same interest and faith, persons could not talk or stay for only one minute. However, according to a recent survey, 80 percent said they can make friends with different kinds of people in spite of the common distinction. As a matter of fact, intimates’ features can not show what you be like. Usually,we only can recognize a little about one, even the opposite side.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that it is so onesided to learn a lot about a person from the style his familiar owns.If you want to know one, go to make friend with him and you will understand him clearly by yourself.

婷婷connie

daisy，这两天，忙挑战杯了，现在再给你好好改一遍~

xf76

110528NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One can learn a lot about the person from the type of friends the person has.



As the popular saying goes, Birds of a feather flock together. Many people believe（believe, think, 这种有个人观点的词最好少用） that one person must be like what his friends be(不清楚是不是固定用法，如果不是，这里用be感觉不恰当，应该用be的某种形式吧；这句话我可以理解，但是我不知道这么写对不对). Nevertheless, I do not agree with the assertion that one can realize the person simply through his friends. My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as dicussed below.

Initially, there is no doubt that everyone possesses own unique character.（，） And it is universally acknowledged that personality is too complex to understand. Maybe you are extremely similar to your intimates, whereas it（it指代有点不清晰） cannot be completely to know you（前半句说similar，后半句说know，感觉这两个词意思有点不对称）. In fact, many differences do hide beneath the surface. For instance, I often told my roommates the story of my best associate(associates). Once I brought her to my dormitory. To their surprises（surprise是不可数名词）, she is an fair lady rather than a lively girl like me. Thus, it is not sagasicous(sagacious)to judge one from the people around him(我记得句型应该是judge from A and B; tell/ differentiate/ distinguish A from B).

Furthermore, no one can deny that it is possible for us to associate with a variety of companions. So various（miscellaneous也可以） friends are that they enable our life colorful（various（miscellaneous）friends may enable our life colorful.；so在这里做什么词性，我没看出来，感觉这里有点问题）. By getting along with them, we can increase more knowledge of all aspects. Although some of them are entirely out of your flavor（favor）, it doesn’t matter. Take me as an ease（case）, I own all sorts of intimates due to my outgoing nature. Whereas we don’t have much in common. Though we often has a quarrel with each other on an issue, I still love being with them. So, on no account can we learn others from the types of friends they have.

Admittedly, most people hold the view that those who have a common goal can be together. If do not share the same interest and faith, persons could not talk or stay for only one minute. However, according to a recent survey, 80 percent s （people）said they can make friends with different kinds of people in spite of the common distinction. As a matter of fact, intimates’ features can not show（也可以用demonstrate） what you be like. Usually,we only can recognize a little about one, even the opposite side.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that it is so onesided to learn a lot about a person from the style his familiar owns.If you want to know one, go to make friend（friends） with him and （shortly afterwards 没过多久，感觉这里加个时间状语比较好） you will understand him clearlyby yourself（感觉有点多余）.

1.感觉开头和结尾有点过于模板化（这个我也掌握不好，据说写多了就形成自己的风格了）
2.尽量多使用动词，可以是句子更生动，形象。少使用be动词和can（被动语态和形式主语可以用be）（新东方老师说的）
3.有的词汇还有升级的空间
4.用名人或事实举例可能更具说服力
5.文章结构清晰
6.有些地方我不确定

Herisson0509

daisy，这两天，忙挑战杯了，现在再给你好好改一遍~

-- by 会员 婷婷connie (2012/4/6 20:13:38)

婷婷 回错地了吧