刺猬加入『写作小分队』 真心想改掉拖延症 要坚持

Crystaljoy

5月4日10.8.28 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The main purpose for people who have jobs is for money rather than social status.

What is the real purpose that people work for? Owing to (specific) individual value systems, some people demonstrate that they would like to gain social status from job. While, as far as I an(am) concerned, I agree with the assertion that the main purpose for people who have jobs is for money rather than social status.My positions are( My position is 只有一个立场) based on a deep and fundamental analysis as discussed below. （这句有点别扭。换换试试： My point of view, involving deep and fundamental analysis, will be discussed as follows.）

First of all, it is always top of the list of my viewpoints that many poor people （who 变成从句）work for money just want to satisfy basic demands of their families. According to a recent investigation performed by Social Community, nearly 90 percent migrant workers suggest that they work for money because they want to provide a normal life for their families.（有点中式。试试support a family, even if it is only a normal life standard. ） In remote areas, poor people often suffer（from） hunger and cold. Many families (短句可以连接起来, many more) can not afford the tuition for child. For instance, I oncesaw( read) an article in a magazine. In the article, ( 句子太短，意思接近, 可以连起来about) a kid (who)died completely because of starvation. Thus, we cannot emphasize the significance of money too much.

Moreover,（that 主语从句） people can promote the quailty of life with more money also provides adequate justification for my opinion. To make my demonstration more profoundly and comprehensively（make 后面可以直接加adj）, I would like to cite what one（the saying）of my favorable celebrities has mentioned (删除), “economic base determines superstructure”. With more money, they are able to buy better house, food and clothes. They also can（，even）travel to many places. And more advanced education money can offer are benefical for child’s growth. (，afford more advanced education which is beneficial to children’s future career.)

Admittedly, it may be true that social status also has（is） a strong appealing(appeal 有N) to people. However, this alone does not provide sufficient support to claim that people need social status. Becsuse（Because） social status can not ensure substantial demands. In addition, sometimes more money can enable you to get a social status.

In a nutshell, from all discussed above, I strongly commit to the notion that it issagacious (这个词很好，但是感觉用的位置不太对。to say ) that people who have a job prefer to pursue money rather than social status.



全本结构，内容都很好。有待改进的地方：句子有些零散。有些句子语义和上文有联系，但是结构却没有逻辑连接。而英语是形态上很整合的，而非汉语的意思上整合。这点可以通过多添加连接词，把短句连接来弥补。

晨依Jacqueline

给刺猬改改作文~

Children are the precious to parents. Whereas, modern parents spoil their children too much, even help them to do homework. As far as I am concerned, I do not agree with the assertion that parents should help children to do their work rather than encouraging them to do the work on their own.My positions are based on a deep and fundamental analysis as discussed below.

First of all, it is always the top of the list of my viewpoints that encouraging children to do homework by himself(themselves,因为前面是children嘛) can develop their ability of (建议加个independent独立思考的能力更好哇~)thinking. According to the recent research performed by Social Community, the results indicates that children often do homework by themselves often(两个often有点重复啦，可以改成tend to) get a better degree than those who can not finish their homework on their own. The reason is that they(指代不明) know nothing about the courses they (+have)learned and they can’t get help from parents when they are having an examination. Without the help of parents, children can make their efforts to solve the problems by its brain and hands(首先啊要人性化，children不可以用its，其次好像是hearts and hands). The more frequently they use brain(s), the more clever(er) they are. For instance, I once had a classmate, who was often laughed at by other students. He was really ignorant because he often asked his parents to do his homework. Thus, we cannot emphasize the significance of encouraging children to do homework by themselves too much.

Moreover, the benefits of children’s growth that produce from encouragement can also provides adequate justification for my opinion.To children, parents always play an important role in educating(education). The main purpose of school assigns(assigning) homework is to enable children to enhance knowledge. If children do homework on their own, they will get a better understanding of the courses. As we all know, children are often too lazy to do homework. So parents should encourage them to develop a good habit of finishing homework independently. This encouragement are(is) extremely benefical(beneficial) to children’s future.

Admittedly, it may be true that parents should help children when they have difficuties(difficulties)in homework. However, too much help may bring child a sense of dependent(dependence). They will make a rule to do things by others’ hands. In the long run, parents should teach children to learn that how to do things by themselves.

In a nutshell, from all discussed above, I strongly commit to the notion that parents should prefer to encourage kids to do the work on their own instead of helping them to do.(prefer to do rather than do比较好，有点杂糅了)


【CONCLUSION】

刺猬的文章骨架已经搭建的很完美啦，主要是注意一些小的细节：拼写、句间的衔接、主谓一致、词性和指代，消灭小的错误就好啦！

晨依Jacqueline

为啥我粘贴上以后高亮的部分都消失了？？？

Herisson0509

5.5 tpo8
The reading passage claims that some critics have raised three doubts about the accuracy of Chevalier's memoir.In contrast, this statement is strongly questioned by the lecture which provides drastically different evidences and states that the evidences of the menitor are reliable.

The professor begins by pointing out that Chevalier had wealth,so he could spend money on parties and gambling. But every time he had to waitmoney to arrive so he had to borrowed money from the merchant.This evidence disagrees with the standpoint that Chevalier was poor because he always borrowed money.

Then another evidence the speaker adopts to contradict the passage is that Chevalier took notes every night after the conversation between Voltaire and him. He wrote down all details he could remember. So after many years he could capture the conversation accurately due to the notes he recorded. According to the passage, however, critics think it is impossible to remember exact phrases from conversations held many years earlier. Therefore, the lecture goes against what is presented in the reading material.

Finally, the professor raises the issue that those prisoners who have many friends could not get help to escape from the jail. Actually Chevalier had no politically well-connected friend. The other best evidence is that a document came from the local government about repairing an old room soon after Chevalier escaped. The old room was Chevalier's room. The point of view also casts doubt on the contents of the reading passage, which considersChevalier bribed the jailers to free himself.

In a nutshell, the details mentioned in thereading are totally disputed by the lecturer, and the professors have completely different opinions aboutthe accuracy of the Chevalier's memoir.

maylovehe1

对不起白天有点忙,今天晚上帮你改,哈

Herisson0509

第一次 45min啊 打字不是一般的慢 句子也要想好久 哎

5月8日11.9.16 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should choose the same career as their parents. Use specific examples to support your answer.


When facing the problem that choose a job, parents often can give more advices than their children. Many parents claim that children should do the same career as them. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the assertion that it is wise for children to choose the same work as their parents. My point of view, involving deep and fundamental analysis, will be discussed as follows.



First of all, it is always the top of list of my viewpiont that children who do the same job can acquire much experiences from parents. To make my demonstration more profound and comprehensive, I would like to cite the saying of my favorable celebrities, "listen to the elders". As we all know, parents are the persons who love us most in the world, they usually expect that children can live well. When they were working, they must had made mistakes. If it were the same career, parents can share the experience with children in case that children also make the same errors. Also, when children meet difficulties in job, parents can help them to solve the problems. As a consequence, children will be excellent in their career and parents are happy. Thus, we cannot emphasize the significance of same job too much.



Moreover, the same work children choose can strengthen the relationship between family. Parents are acquaint with their job, so they can often communicate with children. Even when children are in trouble, parents also can discuss how to do with children. Suppose that if children choose a job that parents do not understand, parents cannot do nothing but be anxiety when children have difficulty in work. So, we can see, the same career plays an important role in increasing the relationship between family.



Admittedly, it is ture that children do not tend to choose same job as their parents because they want to be independent. In the competitive world, some parents would like to help chlildren get a job easily while children prefer to work by themselves. However, the same job does not mean dependent. Parents can offer help properly in children's job. In addition, the same work actually can bring a lot of benefits to chidren' s future career.



In a nutshell, from all discussed above, I strongly commit to the notion that in the long run, children should choose the same career as their parents.

maylovehe1

The reading passage claims that some critics have raised three doubts about the accuracy of Chevalier's memoir. In contrast, this statement is strongly questioned by the lecture which provides drastically different evidences and states that the evidences of the menitor (memoir) are reliable.

The professor begins by pointing out that Chevalier had wealth, so he could spend money on parties and gambling. But every time he had to wait money to arrive so he had to borrowed money from the merchant. This evidence disagrees with the standpoint that Chevalier was poor because he always borrowed money. (如果提一下客户有房产卖,了以后换来钱,但是等钱的时间借钱花就更好了)

Then another evidence the speaker adopts to contradict the passage is that Chevalier took notes every night after the conversation between Voltaire and him. He wrote down all details he could remember. So after many years he could capture the conversation accurately due to the notes he recorded. According to the passage, however, critics think it is impossible to remember exact phrases from conversations held many years earlier. Therefore, the lecture goes against what is presented in the reading material.

Finally, the professor raises the issue that those prisoners who have many friends could not get helps to escape from the jail. Actually Chevalier had no politically well-connected friend. The other best evidence is that a document came from the local government about repairing an old room soon after Chevalier escaped. The old room was Chevalier's room. The point of view (professor) also casts doubt on the contents of the reading passage, which considers Chevalier bribed the jailers to free him.

In a nutshell, the details mentioned in the reading are totally disputed by the lecturer, and the professors have completely different opinions about the accuracy of the Chevalier's memoir.

sang824

蓝色为建议，红色修改，黄色高亮

When facing the problem that choose(about choosing) a job, parents often can give more advices than their children(感觉这里没有可比性). Many parents claim that children should do(choose) the same career as them. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the assertion that it is wise for children to choose the same work as their parents. My point of view, involving deep and fundamental analysis, will be discussed as follows.



First of all, it is always the top of list of my viewpiont that children who do the same job can acquire much experiences from parents. To make my demonstration more profound and comprehensive, I would like to cite the saying of my favorable celebrities, "listen to the elders". As we all know, parents are the persons who love us most in the world, they usually expect that children can live well(感觉这里用except to do 结构更好). When they were working, they must had made(cannot aviod making) mistakes. If it were the same career(it在这里不知道什么意思，改成If they choose the same career一类的表达感觉更清晰一些), parents can share the experience with children in case that children also make the same errors. Also, when children meet difficulties in job, parents can help them to solve the problems. As a consequence, children will be excellent in their career and parents are happy. Thus, we cannot(?) emphasize the significance of same job too much.



Moreover, the same work children choose can strengthen the relationship between family. Parents are acquaint with their job, so they can often communicate with children. Even when children are in trouble, parents also can discuss how to do with children(help their children). Suppose that if children choose a job that parents do not understand, parents cannot do nothing but be anxiety when children have difficulty in work. So, we can see, the same career plays an important role in increasing the relationship between family.



Admittedly, it is ture that children do not tend to choose same job as their parents because they want to be independent. In the competitive world, some parents would like to help chlildren get a job easily while children prefer to work by themselves. However, the same job does not mean dependent. Parents can offer help properly(proper help) in children's job. In addition, the same work actually can bring a lot of benefits to chidren' s future career.



In a nutshell, from all discussed above, I strongly commit to the notion that in the long run, children should choose the same career as their parents.

conclusion:刺猬的语法错误很少，值得赞一个。
                  个别句法需要注意严谨，建议在语言表达上润色，同时尝试使用高级一点的词汇。