[原创] iBT@CD 第一写作小组(8 月), 开始啦....

alexwithibt

以下是引用qianrene在2007-6-27 14:54:00的发言：
怎么改作文啊？我怕给别人越改越糟糕

你改我的.哪看着不顺眼就改哪. 不怕

德克的猪

改完了

Imagining a situation(一个Suppose/image that就可以了,这样的成分是不应该用ing形式的), if(前面如果有image/suppose这样的东西,这里的if就可以不要) you(我建议用one表示) are a university committee officer and will come out(东西自己跑出来叫come out,人作为主语,应该是carry out) a plan for yearly constant budget, how will you divide(分配:allot) money between student’ sport activities and university library, spending the amount of money on sport activities equally with university library(我觉得,这个是废话,因为你后面没有接实质性的话)? Someone may choose equally spending money on both sides, because they may argue that student’ body health is important and should be paid more attention. In my opinions(不要说in my opinion,用from my perspective替代), I disagree with the notion of giving the same amount of money to students’ sport activities as giving to university libraries.

 

(开头要有一个连接的东西来表明逻辑的延续,中文是不需要这个的,但是英文比较低级,没有办法.For one thing)The purpose of a university is educating students and making them to be successful(make…successful这个概念在逻辑上不好,最好是leading them to success) in the future. From this perspective(Consequently, in educational sense), it is must(这个词是不可以这样用的) for universities to put focus on all kinds of aspects in libraries to prompt studying environments(这个句子比较的混乱,改一下:Consequently, in educational sense, university should focus more on the aspects of documentation and supply of books in the libraries and creating a better study atmosphere for students rather than on sports activities), such as more big(more big? 应该是bigger) space for comfortably (comfortable) studying, more books for reference, more advanced computer system, and more spaces for more students studying(to study) simultaneously in library. All those of things need more money for maintaining or improving(All of those things, as no doubt, need a big sum of money to be improved and maintained.). Universities, in fixed budget condition, undoubtedly (should) spend more money on improving(用词最好不要重复,这里可以说on the betterment of the hardware in library) library hardware than on sport activities(我觉得这个句子比较多余,重复了). For example(For example我也不建议使用), currently in my country, more and more(你用more and more这个概念太多了,这里也可以说a increasing number of) students are getting into universities to obtain high-level education, on the other side, in order to get reputation and high-rate in ranking among all universities, universities will(should) invest more money on expanding libraries building to accommodate more students as well as upgrading more advanced computer systems. From this opinion, the selection of putting more money on libraries than on sport activities is wise.

To make students keep vigorous and study more effectively in courses, their body health is needed care about(这个句子错误很多,前面半句的主语省略了,所有后半句的主语就是前半句的主语,这里应该说:To make sure that students can study vigorously and effectively in their courses, universities need to care more about students’ health conditions). (Therefore,)Universities may use a small part of money to maintain (the) current sport facilities, providing(这样说是不对的,最好改为which can provide the students with some space to do exercise in the duration of class break) a space for students to exercise during class break. A small part(sum) of money is enough because universities do not aim to educate students becoming(to become) professional on sports.

In summary, to balance budget utilization and optimize input-output ratio, universities, from my experience, should give more money on libraries than on sport activities.(如果写作时间充裕,结尾最好还是不要太简单)

 

改完过后,感觉你的问题还是不少的:

1.      应该使用哪个动词的形式你经常搞不清楚

2.      论述得不充分,论点没有well developed,比较缺乏说服力.你需要在论述的本身上面多下功夫.

3.      语言的重复罗唆比较多,有的地方过于的简单.

德克的猪

以下是引用qianrene在2007-6-26 20:54:00的发言：

Nowadays as the educational developments among universities are becoming more and more competitive, many universities put most of their budget into the renovation of the condition or environment of the campus, because they think that the concrete buildings is the essential ingredient in achieve the goal to be successful in attracting students, however, I would say that this strategy will not function as expected, to my own opinion, the students parents’ concern is more focused on the health improvement of the students and students may choose the school based on the varieties of sports activities the university can provide.

 

 

 

The students’ health is important to their study at first, without the good condition of body, students couldn’t concentrate on the assignments or classes, since when they are sick, they need to go to the hospital and are persuaded to have more relaxation to get recovered quickly, if they insist to go to classroom or libraries to study, the situation will always be more severe. Moreover, a lot of students, especially boys, have affection on the sports such as playing basketball, playing football, swimming, and jogging as well, they like the sports not only because the sports can build up their body shape, but also because they just love it, they consider it be cool sweating on the playground. As with the case of girls, they prefer sports for some other reasons for example, the dancing, it can be beneficial for the girls’ purpose of losing weight, you know, they like to be more thin and think that the thinner the more beautiful they should be.

Whereas the libraries is the foundation of the facility in an university, we can’t ignore their importance, but since the accommodation is just as tremendous as to provide the enough information and reference to students, providing more funding to the improvement of libraries is not that pragmatic, reversely, the money put into the libraries may increase the economic burden of the university committee. So with this consideration, I would agree that the universities should invest more money to promote the sports activities among students to maintain their health, and a moderate investment to libraries is a better choice.

我没计时，因为不敢计时，一点点想出来的，要是考试这样我就死翘翘了，上次旧托福就栽在作文上，感觉一直把握不好老外的标准，哎，字数才360

德克写的好好啊，好多词我都没见过，句式也没用过，而且我忘记托福喜欢举例了，没举例-_-||

Nowadays(我以前的修改你最好多看看,nowadays这样的词汇是不要用的,用currently) as the educational developments among universities are becoming more and more competitive(发展越来越竞争性?这个句子不是太清楚,可以改为:as the competition between university and university, currently, is much more fierce than it used to be), many universities put most of their budget into(on) the renovation of the condition or environment of the campus(on campus就可以了), because they think(怎么还在用think?) that the concrete buildings is the essential ingredient in achieve the goal to be successful in attracting students(这个句子是蛮长的,但是又出错了,表达不清楚:because they deem those splendid concrete buildings as the essential/indispensable factors in attracting students). However, I would say that this strategy will not function as expected, to my own opinion(告别opinion,使用from my perspective), (两个句子连在一起需要连词,这里可以加because)the students parents’ concern is more focused on the health improvement of the students and students may choose the school based on the varieties of sports activities the university can provide.(这个太牵强了,不好)

 

rio

给各位送朵鲜花鼓励一下

yaoshuming

我今天写了一天，没用模板，觉得G的作文和T的差太多了……反正写得很烂，参考了李笑来的某些词汇，90%自己写的，希望猪猪帮我批改一下吧？

明天看能不能批改一下别人的文章

Referring to “university”, almost all people will connect it to “knowledge” because conveying knowledge is considered as the main goal of the university. While keeping good health is a prerequisite for the in-school students to study and research regularly, sports still fail to become the most crucial part in the students’ lives.

 

Whether the library of a university is abundant of collection and well-organized, to some extent, is regarded as whether the university pays attention to improve its students’ academic competence. The reason is obvious. A peaceful environment is necessary to efficient study, while almost all dorms in universities can have up to eight persons sleeping in one small room. Thus, more and more students make the decision that they go to library to study. To ensure students’ excellent study, the school might try its best to build the library large enough to accommodate students as well as books. The expense of construction of the building is much more than that for sports, since sports occupy the major students a much smaller part of their times and the space for sports is no need as extensive as library.

 

In addition to the significant cost of construction, a library has to spend a great deal amount of money every year on increasing up-to-date books and materials for the purpose of supporting ample resource for students’ academic research. Besides this cost, a library also have to pay for some services, for instance, a well-trained stuff was employed to give students some help, the library is periodically cleaned, or a huge amount of fees for lights, water, and air conditioner, etc. On the other hand, continuing costs for sports are lower than that of library, requiring less expense for management and organization.

 

Although it cannot be neglected that a student’s health is crucial to his academic achievement, the money invested in sports is relatively low so that a university should not put more fund into its sports activities but its library.

一共才320字左右

yaoshuming

顶上来，怎么没人理了

德克的猪

以下是引用yaoshuming在2007-6-28 11:58:00的发言：
顶上来，怎么没人理了

你写的那个,不是太好,最好自己再修改添加一下

yaoshuming

好吧~我先学习一下别人是怎么写的~~

alexwithibt

以下是引用yaoshuming在2007-6-27 23:20:00的发言：

我今天写了一天，没用模板，觉得G的作文和T的差太多了……反正写得很烂，参考了李笑来的某些词汇，90%自己写的，希望猪猪帮我批改一下吧？

明天看能不能批改一下别人的文章

Referring to “university”, almost all people will connect it to “knowledge” because conveying knowledge is considered as the main goal of the university. While keeping good health is a prerequisite for the in-school students to study and research regularly, sports still fail to become the most crucial part in the students’ lives.

Whether the library of a university is abundant of collection and well-organized, to some extent, is regarded as whether the university pays attention to improve its students’ academic competence. The reason is obvious. A peaceful environment is necessary to efficient study, while almost all dorms in universities can have up to eight persons sleeping in one small room. Thus, more and more students make the decision that they go to library to study. To ensure students’ excellent study, the school might try its best to build the library large enough to accommodate students as well as books. The expense of construction of the building is much more than that for sports, since sports occupy the major students a much smaller part of their times and the space for sports is no need as extensive as library.

In addition to the significant cost of construction, a library has to spend a great deal amount of money every year on increasing up-to-date books and materials for the purpose of supporting ample resource for students’ academic research. Besides this cost, a library also have to pay for some services, for instance, a well-trained stuff was employed to give students some help, the library is periodically cleaned, or a huge amount of fees for lights, water, and air conditioner, etc. On the other hand, continuing costs for sports are lower than that of library, requiring less expense for management and organization.

Although it cannot be neglected that a student’s health is crucial to his academic achievement, the money invested in sports is relatively low so that a university should not put more fund into its sports activities but its library.

一共才320字左右

这是我改的第二段. 其它的没找到啥大问题.

讨论....

Whether the library of a university is abundant of collection and well-organized, to some extent, is regarded as whether the university pays attention to improve its students’ academic competence. (Having decent libraries with attractive appearance, enough bigger space, a largely abundant of collecting books and advanced facilities is a key point of
                competition
                among universities.) The reason is obvious. A peaceful environment is necessary to efficient study, while almost all dorms in universities can have up to eight persons sleeping in one small room. Thus, more and more students make the decision that they go to library to study. To ensure students’ excellent study, the school might try its best to build the library large enough to accommodate students as well as books. The expense of construction of the building is much more than that for sports, since sports
                occupy
                the major students a much smaller part of their times and the space for sports is no need as extensive as library.(Constructing a library needs much more money than maintaining sport activities, because
                a library is not merely simple building but a complex functional building with advanced computer system for managing millions of books and smart system to adjust internal temperature for keeping all books in perfect condition, whereas, adding sport tools is
                relatively
                easy.)

qianrene

今天的作文题目呢？几天写一篇啊组长？