以下是引用jessieager在2007-4-13 17:37:00的发言：Topic 3: The wording of a phrase can have a profound impact. What has someone said or expressed that has been especially meaningful to you?
“Be brave to overcome uncertainties.” Dear mom patted on my head with an unswerving expression in her eyes. Never could I forget that day—Oct.5th 2006. Just a month (加個remained較順) before the English competition, however, this one is quite different from those(those 指的是什麼，前面句子似乎沒point out) which I was merely a contestant.
It was not until I became the president of the English Association did I realize that life is full of various challenges, far beyond exams only. Our(假設單方的"my" would be better) school had a traditional annual English Competition, and this time the advisor was already a senior-three teacher(較偏向口語化，不建議在正式作文使用，用 a busy homeroom teacher來代替也可以), hardly could him spare enough time for it. Am I able to find a sponsor(不知MM用sponsor的用意，sponsor較不傾於advisor方面，可用another advisor 或 consellor)? Am I able to organize the whole well? So many uncertainties break out and seem to be out of my control.
“Be brave to conquer uncertainties,” mom said, “And go for it.” It really cheers me up and I am convinced that life itself is filled with variations. Do not wait until you have got one-hundred percent confidence that you made up your mind to start the journey.
From then on, I indulge myself in all the mass preparations(indulge在這裡比較不適，改為 I proffer myself to get over all the mass preparations.): I made out a concrete plan; communicated with my co-workers; talk with the staff in TV station about campaign; work on questions with foreign teachers and search for sponsors(MM需要把這個地方交待的更清晰些) in downtown……countless things to do during that period of time. Fortunately, four weeks later, a miracle happened! Even two private English education organization are willing to sponge the event; our plan was highly praised by a considerable number of people; I myself made more than one hundred and fifty PPTs(正式作文需避免使用簡詞，弱弱的問PPTs是啥呀?) during two workdays and I even became the beautiful hostess(heroine) in that everlasting night! When my friend said to me,“Jecci! It is the most wonderful English competition I have ever seen!” I burst out into tears with joy.
Still I remember Toussaint L' Ouverture, a reputable freedom fighter, who led the Haiti Independence Revolution in Central America when he was almost forty-eight years old; still I remember Nelson Mandela, the first black president of South Africa, who spent over thirty years in the prison as a political prisoner; Still I remember Gandhi, the originator of the unprecedented non-violence movement, who eventually liberated the India and reinforced the self-esteem and self-trust of millions of Indians……They are all dream-pursuers(應該可以去掉"-"的), with a strong belief to overcome the uncertainties, not surrender to the crucial reality.
With this attitude towards my life, I began to chase my dream with great enthusiasm and confidence. During the spring festival, I passed an exam and got a chance to go to America as an exchange student. Furthermore, I have already planned to hold the first English Culture Festival in May. Sounds exciting!
Anyway, “Be brave to overcome the uncertainties,” I said, “because life lies in my own hands.”
整體評論，先講缺點吧~覺得重點歸納較不完整，這篇是講求某句話的對自己的影響，雖不用長篇論述，但是似乎有些單調直鋪。另外，已經提到的點，就應該做些說明，像是倒數第二段的最後兩句，若是覺得無需做說明，其實不要提到會比較好，這樣會給raters不好的image，縱使是很好的事，也是如此。還有一點，就是詞彙的掌握度，切記，寧可用有把握的，也決不要用不熟悉的詞，少見的詞未必能保證得到好效果。最後一點，就是coherence，文章的段落應該是coherent的，這點在美式作文裡很重要。
可別怪我昂~這可是我第一次在線幫人看文章呢...
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楼主
发表于 2007-4-14 02:00:00
是感觉不错。
发表于 2007-4-15 08:09:00
