过几天考试，求诸位大侠狠拍~

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-8-29 21:41:34

纯属到这里来找来找罪受的~~各位大侠和大牛们一定狠拍啊、、求建议啊~

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-8-31 21:43:31

独立写作
Thank to the influx of people from villages, the city population is skyrocketing. The reason of this is that in order to have a successful and happy life, people simply think the best choice for them is to go out from their village. However, the situation might not be like this.
On the one hand, going out doesn’t mean being successful. Admittedly, in my country, some of the people who leave their village do become somebody. However, it is common for the people who come from village working as servers, cleaners and porters. Because of their low education level, most of them are not capable to do the jobs which need to be done with sophisticated techniques. They are still straggling at the bottom of the society, working really hard all day long, though it might sound quite glamorous. What’s more, it is difficult for them to scope out new fields as the city is already developed. On the contrary, there are more latent opportunities in villages. People can introduce something which will bring a great convenience to village, for instance, the solar power equipments that can be installed, the recreational facilities that are needed, etc. In this way, they are more likely to success.
On the other hand, even if they are successful, it doesn’t mean that they can live a happy life. Have you ever watched the TV show Ugly Betty? While Betty first came to work in Mode, the top vogue magazine company, everyone laugh at, and even scorned at her just because of her out-of-fashioned clothes. Betty was certainly successful – she worked in her dream company with a high salary. Nonetheless, was she really happy when she was joked by others? Was she really happy while she was facing the possibility being fired? Most of the villagers have formed an unrealistic picture of city life that everything is delightful. The fact is, however, many people want to escape from the city and live in the village. Getting rid of such pressure, they can do whatever they like without being interrupted by their co-workers or employers.
Everyone has their own preference. Some just like the prosperity of city, whereas others enjoy the simple life in village. It’s hard to say which is certainly better than another, but I still hold my opinion that people can be more successful and happier living in the village instead of going out.

Stegosaurus · 发表于 2012-9-1 09:59:28

Thank（Thanks） to the influx of people from villages, the city population is skyrocketing. The reason of this is（总感觉这个表达不太简洁，但我也不清楚该怎么改

）that in order to have a successful and happy life, people simply think the best choice for them is to go out from their village. However, the situation might （这句表达观点，语气强烈一点比较好）not be like this.
On the one hand, going out doesn’t mean being successful. Admittedly, in my country, some of the people who leave their village do become somebody. However, it is common for the people who come from village working as servers, cleaners and porters. Because of their low education level, most of them are not capable to do the jobs which need to be done with sophisticated techniques. They are still straggling at the bottom of the society, working really hard all day long, though it might sound quite glamorous. What’s more, it is difficult for them to scope out new fields as the city is already developed. On the contrary, there are more latent opportunities in villages. People can introduce something which will bring a great convenience to village, for instance (for instance 后面接句子的情况多些，改成such as 或许好些), the solar power equipments (equipment) that can be installed, the recreational facilities that are needed, etc. In this way, they are more likely to success.（另外这句的逻辑我没有看得很清楚，你是想说乡村里的人引进了一些使生活变方面的东西后，他们就更可能成功吗？但这样的话，好像不太对吧…………..

）
On the other hand, even if they are successful, it doesn’t mean that they can live a happy life. Have you ever watched the TV show Ugly Betty? While Betty first came to work in Mode, the top vogue magazine company, everyone laugh at, (laughed at 不要逗号) and even scorned at her just because of her out-of-fashioned clothes. Betty was certainly successful – she worked in her dream company with a high salary. Nonetheless, was she really happy when she was joked by others? Was she really happy while she was facing the possibility being fired? Most of the villagers have formed an unrealistic picture of city life that everything is delightful. The fact is, however, many people want to escape from the city (去掉the，改为cities，因为这里特指的概念不强) and live in the village （villages，原因同上）. Getting rid of such pressure, they can do whatever they like without being interrupted by their co-workers or employers.
Everyone has their own preference. Some just like the prosperity of city, whereas others enjoy the （a，原因同上） simple life in village. It’s hard to say which is certainly better than another, but I still hold my opinion that people can be more successful and happier living in the village instead of going out.

整理来说很不错啊，很多句型用的很地道，词汇也很丰富，比我的好多了

只是有些细节可以再斟酌一下，比如说定冠词和不定冠词选择，不过应该没有大碍了。。。。。。
另外如果在论述段段尾加上总结就更好了。

我也是接触托福作文不久，也不知道说的对不对，仅供参考吧！

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-9-1 20:07:24

谢谢 Stegosaurus 的批改

的确有些地方表述的不是很清楚

【自己看是找不出这么多错来的、、

继续努力~~

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-9-1 21:04:04

Thanksto the influx of people from villages, the city population is skyrocketing. The reason isthat in order to have a successful and happy life, people simply think the best choice for them is to go out from their village. However, this is unlikely the situation.
On the one hand, going out doesn’t mean being successful. Admittedly, in my country, some of the people who leave their village do become somebody. However, it is common for the people who come from village working as servers, cleaners and porters. Because of their low education level, most of them are not capable to do the jobs which need to be done with sophisticated techniques. They are still straggling at the bottom of the society, working really hard all day long, though it might sound quite glamorous. What’s more, it is difficult for them to scope out new fields as the city is already developed. On the contrary, there are more latent opportunities in villages. People can introduce and sell something which will bring a great convenience to village, such as the solar power equipment that can be installed, the recreational facilities that are eagerly wanted, etc. This will be quite profitable, as everyone would like to buy things that meet their needs. In this way, they are more likely to success. (这样是不是更有逻辑一些？【至少应该能被看懂了吧、、

)
On the other hand, even if they are successful, it doesn’t mean that they can live a happy life. Have you ever watched the TV show Ugly Betty? While Betty first came to work in Mode, the top vogue magazine company, everyone laughed ator even scorned at her just because of her out-of-fashioned clothes. Betty was certainly successful – she worked in her dream company with a high salary. Nonetheless, was she really happy when she was joked by others? Was she really happy while she was facing the possibility being fired? Most of the villagers have formed an unrealistic picture of city life that everything is delightful. The fact is, however, many people want to escape from cities and live in villages. Getting rid of such pressure, they can do whatever they like without being interrupted by their co-workers or employers.
Everyone has their own preference. Some just like the prosperity of city, whereas others enjoy a simple life in village. It’s hard to say which is certainly better than another, but I still hold my opinion that people can be more successful and happier living in the village instead of going out.
【结尾还需要借鉴一下优秀范文的、、

自己总觉得如果再重复一下前面的原因很别扭、、、（纯属幻觉~）】

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-9-3 09:00:58

The lack of relaxation is certainly a reasonable candidate to cause errors in projects. It has also been implicated in bad health condition, irresistibility of impulse and absent-mindedness. Underneath so much pressure, people are eager to find a way to relax themselves, either mentally or physically, or both. However, it seems like more people prefer doing physical exercises because of its benefits.

On the one hand, people only need to spend little money and time doing physical exercise. All they need are suitable clothes and a short time, and sometimes also a ball, a bat and a pair of gloves. What’s more, they can go out and play sports at any moment, unlike watching movies, which is restricted by timetable given by cinemas. People do not need to worry about the factor of cost and schedule. Just a couple of days ago, when I went down stairs for a short relax, I saw a group of people that I never met before playing basketball. I’m certainly not a skilled player -- all I know is shooting the ball into the basket. However, this didn’t affect at all. I just asked and played with them for about half an hour, then I went back home for dinner, leaving them still playing. Neither did it cost me a penny to relax, nor affected my schedule.

On the other hand, doing physical exercises can keep people healthy. A good health condition is the foundation of everything. Workers can be energetic while working, which leads to higher productivity. So the economic development of a country will be promoted. However, this is not the fact. According to a survey published by World Health Organization, over 1 billion people are overweight or obese, and the amount of people is constantly growing in all age groups. What’s more, being pushed so hard, the employees/students can get ill easily. Problems like these cannot be solved by mental relaxations such as reading books and watching movies. It is only playing sports that really works.

Admittedly, movies and books can sometimes release people’s pressure by distracting them away from all the misfortune or giving them the idea that someone in this world is living a more miserable life. However, only a few master pieces are able to do so. But after reading books or watching these, the plots might even be more disturbing. People will consider about the dark side of humanity, the problems of society at present, etc.—something really profound and hard to get an answer. They are likely to be more stressed out than before, which deviates from their original intentions.

Although many people prefer mental relaxation, I still stick to the opinion that physical relaxation is better, as it benefits more.

抱歉，发晚了啊~求原谅

fuzhengrui · 发表于 2012-9-3 10:40:41

The lack of relaxation is certainly a reasonable candidate to cause errors in projects. It has also been implicated in bad health condition, irresistibility of impulse and absent-mindedness. Underneath so much pressure, people are eager to find a way to relax themselves, either mentally or physically, or both. However, it seems like more people prefer doing physical exercises because of its benefits.

On the one hand, people only need to spend little money and time doing physical exercise. All they need are suitable clothes and a short time, and sometimes also a ball, a bat and a pair of gloves. What’s more, they can go out and play sports at any moment, unlike watching movies, which is restricted by timetable given by cinemas. People do not need to worry about the factor of cost and schedule. Just a couple of days ago, when I went down stairs for a short relax, I saw a group of people that I never met before playing basketball. I’m certainly not a skilled player -- all I know is shooting the ball into the basket. However, this didn’t affect at all. I just asked and played with them for about half an hour, then I went back home for dinner, leaving them still playing. Neither did it cost me a penny to relax, nor affected my schedule.

On the other hand, doing physical exercises can keep people healthy. A good health condition is the foundation of everything. Workers can be energetic while working, which leads to higher productivity. So the economic development of a country will be promoted. However, this is not the fact. According to a survey published by World Health Organization, over 1 billion people are overweight or obese, and the amount of people is constantly growing in all age groups. What’s more, being pushed so hard, the employees/students can get ill easily. Problems like these cannot be solved by mental relaxations such as reading books and watching movies. It is only playing sports that really works.

Admittedly, movies and books can sometimes release people’s pressure by distracting them away from all the misfortune or giving them the idea that someone in this world is living a more miserable life. However, only a few master pieces are able to do so. But after reading books or watching these, the plots might even be more disturbing. People will consider about the dark side of humanity, the problems of society at present, etc.—something really profound and hard to get an answer. They are likely to be more stressed out than before, which deviates from their original intentions.

Although many people prefer mental relaxation, I still stick to the opinion that physical relaxation is better, as it benefits more.

抱歉，发晚了啊~求原谅

-- by 会员 safeandsound (2012/9/3 9:00:58)

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-9-3 14:13:51

谢谢付图图的认真批改

发现有很多词一开始就没背对

【另外，第一句话应该没什么问题吧~在Economists 里面挑出来的

fuzhengrui · 发表于 2012-9-3 22:11:35

这个应该没问题，是个好搭配，我记下了。。

哈哈

谢谢付图图的认真批改

发现有很多词一开始就没背对

【另外，第一句话应该没什么问题吧~在Economists 里面挑出来的

-- by 会员 safeandsound (2012/9/3 14:13:51)

safeandsound · 发表于 2012-9-5 16:05:08

The most important function of a leader is to lead a group and make decisions. However, leader is not picked for making arbitrary dictation. Not only does s/he need to monitor employees, but s/he need to maximize their value. So personally, I think it is important for an leader to make everyone feel that he participates in decision making.
In order to make all the workers feel the sense of accomplishment, the leader needs to gather ideas from all the workers. It is certainly true that different people can have different points of views, but the basic needs of them are the same -- they just simply want a good working condition, reasonable salaries and favorable policies for them. So it is quite easy for the leader to coordinate all their opinions. We once did a survey in our class about what kind of studying experience they would like to know from students who got a good grade or make a significant progress this semester. After looking through all the suggestions, we found 80 percent of them mentioned the question “what does these “good students” do besides doing their homework?” This isn’t surprising for us, as students have the same purpose -- they just want to do better in their study. Things are also the same for grown-ups in a group or company.
The real efficiency will reveal right after the new decision that contains everyone’s suggestions is made. To continue,(可以这么说吗？) after getting the idea about what students wanted to know, we invited senior students to share their experience with us and asked them the frequently asked questions that gathered from our classmates. Everyone was really concentrated – they took notes about the important points, which was really uncommon. It was a totally a great success. While people are working for something they eagerly want or carrying out plans that made by themselves, they will be enthusiasm, which can lead to higher productivity. What’s more, if their suggestions are accepted and have their wish fulfilled and their little “vanity” accomplished, they can get a sense of belonging, which make the whole team stick together. Since nobody goes on strike, work could be done faster.
Although asking a few people for ideas has its benefit, I still stick to the opinion that in order to enable employees work more efficiently, the leader should try his/her best to give them a sense of belonging and accomplishment.
[这个题目不会写诶、、费了九牛二虎之力诌了400多字

、、请不要介意文章写得很狗血、、

]

过几天考试，求诸位大侠狠拍~

8-31 写作练习

8-31修改后作文

9-2 独立写作

简单改了一下，见附件

本帖子中包含更多资源

9-4 独立写作

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