过几天考试，求诸位大侠狠拍~

haduni

The most important function of a leader is to lead（换成guide） a group and make decisions. However,leader is not picked for making arbitrary dictation. Not only does s/he need tomonitor employees, but s/he need to maximize their value. So personally（Personally）, I think it is important for an leader to make everyonefeel that he participates in decision making.

（缺少段与段之间的连词）In order to make all the workers feel the sense ofaccomplishment, the leader needs to gather ideas from all the workers. It is certainly true thatdifferent people can have different points of views, but the basic needs ofthem are the same -- they just simply want a good working condition, reasonablesalaries and favorable policies for them.（这一句文笔很好，但是和做决定的逻辑关系有点弱） So it is quiteeasy for the leader to coordinate all their opinions. We once did a survey inour class about what kind of studying experience they would like to know fromstudents who got a good grade or make a significant progress this semester.After looking through all the suggestions, we found 80 percent of themmentioned the question “what does these “good students”（使用单引号） do besides doingtheir homework?” This isn’t surprising for us, as students have the samepurpose -- they just want to do better in their study. Things are also the samefor grown-ups in a group or company.

The realefficiency will reveal（改为appear） right after the new decision that contains everyone’ssuggestions is made. Tocontinue,(或许可以用Inthe above case) after getting theidea about what students wanted to know, we invited senior students to sharetheir experience with us and asked them the frequently asked questions that are gathered from ourclassmates. Everyone was really concentrated(focused) – they took notes about the importantpoints, which was really uncommon. It was a totally a great success. Whilepeople are working for something they eagerly want (are longing for) or carrying outplans which were(被动需要注意一下) made bythemselves, they will be enthusiasm（enthusiastic）, which can lead to higher productivity. （这一整句可以改为 their enthusiasmcan boost the productivity）What’s more, iftheir suggestions are accepted and have their wish fulfilled and their little“vanity” accomplished, they can get a sense of belonging, which make the wholeteam stick together. Since nobodygoes on strike(没人罢工不如改为“人人激情四射” everyone is saturated with energy ), work could bedone faster.

Although asking a few people for ideashas its benefit(这句话表现不出少数人做决定的意思，the decision form the very few people has its benefit), I still stick tothe opinion that in order to enable employees work more efficiently, the leadershould try his/her best to give them a sense of belonging and accomplishment.

l  好吧，我真的没有资格批评你，因为我昨晚匆忙之中，看错了题目，将代词he理解为了leader……哭死我了……
l  你用的例子貌似有一点小问题：确实是讲了一个大家都参与的故事，但是没有leader表现。或许你可以用对比：一次是老师决定问什么问题，大家很不积极；第二次，大家自己提问题，大家很积极。
l  在有些词语方面你使用的不够准确。例如，reveal，是一个及物动词，必须要有宾语的。
l  被动需要注意一下。

safeandsound

谢谢~ 我会注意的
很多表达haduni真的改的很好！！！超赞的~~

每次被批改都受益匪浅啊~~

safeandsound

Lack of experience is certainly a responsible candidate to failure. It has also been implicated in errors in projects, inefficiency, and wrong decisions. Experience is an essential factor in no matter solving problems or applying for jobs. So, people should review the past.
To start with, the wrong decisions made in the past can prevent people from facing the same unfavorable situation again and enable them to go to the right way. I went to a summer camp at University of California Berkeley last summer vacation. At first, I told this information to my best friend and asked her to go. However, I changed my plan without telling her directly. Instead, her mother knew the updated plan but didn’t allow her to go. Months later, when I got the invitation from the camp, excitedly, I told this news to everyone. Yet, I found my best friend crying at the corner of the classroom. She got really mad at me and didn’t talk to for weeks. We broke up at last because of a missing sentence. Yet, this experience helped me to maintain another friendship. Still be forced to change my schedule after telling my friends, I informed them immediately that I could not go to the party and that I felt terrible. They all forgave me. When I met them a day later, they told me how fascinating the party was. Thus, by looking back to the previous lesson that brought by the awful past experience, people won’t make the same mistakes again.
Moreover, if the past solutions for the similar problems result in good consequences, applying these solutions will more likely lead them to the success. We can find the innumerous auto-/biographies which tell the story of successes in the libraries. Those must be published for some reason. One possible explanation may be they are useful to our lives –frustrations of successes can promote us by telling us someone has a more miserable life than we think, their attitude towards difficulties can move us by showing their courage and insistence, above all, their solutions for problems can instruct us by giving us a hint that which is the right direction to go. Reviewing the good solutions, of no matter your own or others, will definitely help you to make the right choice.
Admittedly, people cannot plagiarize the solutions totally. The developments of technology change our life in a great extent – without leave our home, everything we need can be delivered to our house, such as books, clothes, everyday items and even meals. Sometimes, more convenient solutions should be discovered, making use of the assistance of up-to-date improvement of modern life. Yet, without the comparison of the new solution and the old one, people will never know which is better. They still need to review the past.
In a nutshell, reviewing the past is a crucial factor before making the decisions.
写着写着就变成make decision了~~  有机会补救吗？【如果在考场上的话-_-|||

235852140

9-5 独立 修改  in order to solve the problems of the present and the future, people should review the past.

Lack of experience is certainly a responsible candidate to failure.（是失败的候选人？我知道你想说是导致失败的一个重要原因。但是我没有查到这种用法。不确定正确与否。如果是亲自己编的比喻，建议少用，危险。） It has also been implicated（一般用于涉及，牵连（案件）使用，用在这里不太恰当） in errors in projects, inefficiency, and wrong decisions. Experience is an essential factor in no matter solving problems or applying for jobs. So, people should review the past. (这段讲了经验的种种作用和重要性，然后得出人们要review the past的结论。但是，past 和 experience之间是什么关系呢？建议用一句话说明关系，以使得逻辑严谨。另外，题目中提到的present和future也是关键词，开头最好能讲明过去的经验对于解决现在和未来的问题起到重要的作用之类的)  （so前面的applying for jobs，当我读到文章最后的时候，也没有发现任何跟找工作有关的解释，开头提出的理由最好是后文两段或三段理由的高度概括，没有提到的放在这里是不恰当的。我一开始读了这句，还以为工作这个话题会是你的第二点理由呢。）

To start with, the wrong decisions made in the past can prevent people from facing the same unfavorable situation again and enable them to go to the right way. I went to a summer camp at University of California Berkeley last summer vacation. At first, I told this information to my best friend and asked her to go. However, I changed my plan without telling her directly. Instead, her mother knew the updated plan but didn’t allow her to go. Months later, when I got the invitation from the camp, excitedly, I told this news to everyone. Yet, I found my best friend crying at the corner of the classroom. She got really mad at me and didn’t talk to（+me） for weeks. We broke up（split up朋友见决裂，break up男女朋友间分手） at last because of a missing sentence. Yet, this experience helped me to maintain another friendship. Still be forced to change my schedule after telling my friends, I informed them immediately that I could not go to the party and that I felt terrible. They all forgave me. When I met them a day later, they told me how fascinating the party was. Thus, by looking back to the previous lesson that brought by the awful past experience, people won’t make the same mistakes again. （这个例子很恰当，就是描述的太长了，我们写议论文的时候也都知道，例子最好用一两句话概括，所以亲可以试试能不能缩减一下，然后在例子前面加一两句论述，会显得更有力）

Moreover, if the past solutions for the similar problems result in good consequences, applying these solutions will （+be）more likely（+to） lead them（them没有指代对象，改成people） to the success. We can find the innumerous auto-/biographies which tell the story of successes in the libraries. Those must be published for some reason（+s）. One possible explanation may be（is that，前面说了possible，这里就不用may be了，会总成冗余。） they are useful to our lives –（用冒号更好）frustrations of successes（成功的挫折？） can promote us by telling us someone has a more miserable life than we think，their attitude towards difficulties can move us by showing their courage and insistence,（ +and，因为above all是adv.没有and ,这句就run-on了。） above all, their solutions for problems can instruct us by giving us a hint that which is（改a hint pointed out） the right direction to go. Reviewing the good solutions（in the past）, of no matter your own or others, will definitely help（help好像出现很多次了，亲尝试一下换换别的词语） you to make the right choice. (改成能帮助解决现在和将来的问题， 就扣题了)

Admittedly, people cannot plagiarize the solutions totally.（说stick to convention更好） The developments of technology change(+s) our life(改lives) in a great extent – without leave our home, everything we need can be delivered to our house, such as books, clothes, everyday items and even meals. Sometimes, more convenient solutions should be discovered, making use of the assistance of up-to-date improvement of modern life. （语法错误。这句主语是solutions,后面的making use的逻辑主语也是solutions, 可是solution不是人，不能make use啊。）Yet, without the comparison of（改between） the new solution and the old one, people will never know which is better. They still need to review the past. （最后这两句之间是有因果关系的，可以合并为一个句子,我试改一个：Therefore，it is neccessary to review the past because by comparing the new solution with the old one, people will find which is the better.  ）

In a nutshell, reviewing the past is a crucial factor before making the decisions. （同样的还是改成对solve present和future的problems有帮助，就能扣题，另外可以把前文的几点支持原因概括复述一下）

总得来说，在语言和逻辑上还需要加强。一些语言表述的不是很清楚，有不少语法错误，有的用词还比较危险。
注意句子之间的逻辑关系。要时刻问问自己前一句和后一句之间有什么关系。
开头不是很好，没有起到统领全文的作用。

235852140

补充一个问题：someone has a more miserable life than we think. 这句比较对象不一致。加个what就好了。

safeandsound

Lack of experience is certainly a responsible candidate to failure.It has also been implicatedin errors in projects, inefficiency, and wrong decisions. Experience, gained in the past, is an essential factor in no matter solving problems or applying for jobs. So, people should review the past in order to solve the problems that (will) take place right now or in the future.

To start with, the wrong solutions practiced in the past can prevent people from facing the same unfavorable situation again and enable them to go to the right way. I went to a summer camp at University of California Berkeley last summer vacation. At first, I told this information to my best friend and asked her to go. However, I changed my plan without telling her directly. Instead, her mother knew the updated plan but didn’t allow her to go. Months later, when I got the invitation from the camp, excitedly, I told this news to everyone. Yet, I found my best friend crying at the corner of the classroom. She got really mad at me and didn’t talk to me for weeks. We split up at last because of a missing sentence. Yet, this experience helped me to maintain another friendship. Still be forced to change my schedule after telling my friends, I informed them immediately that I could not go to the party and that I felt terrible. They all forgave me. When I met them a day later, they told me how fascinating the party was. Thus, by looking back to the previous lesson that brought by the awful past experience, people won’t make the same mistakes again. [因为实在不会加议论了，所以没写~~就努力把例子写长了些-_-|||


Moreover, if the past solutions for the similar problems result in good consequences, applying these solutions will be more likely to lead people to the success. We can find the innumerous auto-/biographies which tell the story of successes in the libraries. Those must be published for some reasons. One possible explanation is that they are useful to our lives: frustrations of successes (是名词，表成功人士^_^) can promote us by telling us someone has a more miserable life than we think, their attitude towards difficulties can move us by showing their courage and insistence, and above all, their solutions for problems can instruct us by giving us a hint pointed out the right direction. Reviewing the good solutions in the past, of no matter your own or others, will definitely enableyou to make the right choice and solve the problems both at present and in the future.

Admittedly, people cannot plagiarize the solutions totally.（stick to 什么convention呢？前文貌似没有说任何“习俗”啦…） The development of technology changes our lives in a great extent – without leave our home, everything we need can be delivered to our house, such as books, clothes, everyday items and even meals. Sometimes, more convenient solutions should be discovered, making use of (主句用的是被动语态也不能这么说吗？语法不好额~~抱歉) the assistance of up-to-date improvement of modern life. Yet, without the comparison between the new solution and the old one, people will never know which is better. Thus, they still need to look back.

In a nutshell, reviewing the past is a crucial factor before any problems solvingas solutions that were made in the past can keep us away from the same failure and guide us to bright future.

safeandsound

People cannot predict future – this only happens in novels like Harry Potter. Thus, it is hard for us to say what inventions or discoveries will take place in a century. However, what we now know is that many significant problems still remain unsolved by far. Will all of these problems solved in our lifetime? In my point of view, I would rather give a negative answer.
To begin with, problems that are regarded as the most important ones are not as easy as counting from one to three, otherwise, everyone could be the scientist. Some of the problems have already been considered as the hardest ones centuries ago - the first heart disease that has been recorded took place at least decades before, but have scientists found a way to prevent this? Energy, especially the unrecoverable one, is scarcer and scarcer, but are there any solutions to change this situation? The decrease of species diversity always continues, yet is this situation halted?
Maybe you might think: how do things like heart attacks, energy scarce and extinction of other species have anything to do with me? Then think about your feeling when someone who is not as good as you gets the job or opportunity as s/he is the offspring of officials and billionaires. This kind of bias still occurs in today’s world. It is the truth that if everyone, no matter their gender, race, job and social status can be viewed equally, they could all have a fair chance. However, this might not be the case, even in decades’ time, since this is actually human nature that cannot be easily changed.
Admittedly, some of those problems have been solved. For instance, the lack of food did put Chinese on edge in 20^th century. However, the discovery of hybrid rice in 1970s essentially solved this problem that seemed impossible at that time. But still, it is only the tip of the iceberg—the problem of global warming that have taken place since industrialization movement and lung cancer that is attribute to smoking habit and air pollution and is the most common cause of cancer death all over the world still remain.
In a nutshell, though some problems have been untangled, most important ones have still no evidence of being solved in our lifetime.

shendang

红色-问题，蓝色-good point
People cannot predict future – this（这个this 指什么？this不能指代一件事~） only happens in novels like Harry Potter. Thus, it is hard for us to say what inventions or discoveries will take place in a century. （不是很清楚前面这句话和文章有什么关系。很难预测会出现什么发明创造和重要问题能否在our lifetime解决有什么联系吗）However, what we now know is that many significant problems still remain unsolved by far. Will all of these problems solved in our lifetime? In my point of view, I would rather give a negative answer.
To begin with, problems that are regarded as the most important ones are not as easy as counting from one to three, otherwise, everyone could be the scientist. Some of the problems have already been considered as the hardest ones centuries ago - the first heart disease that has been recorded took place（recorded 和took place 不能这样连用吧，可以直接删掉took place就行，这样别人也能懂你的意思） at least decades before, but have scientists found a way to prevent this? Energy, especially the unrecoverable one, is scarcer and scarcer( more and more scarce), but are there any solutions to change this situation? The decrease of species diversity always continues, yet is this situation halted?(这边用了这么多反问排比，最后能马上回答然后阐述自己观点。到这停了之后，又另起一段，感觉要表达的东西不是很清楚，而且老外毕竟不是中国人，他们说话理解啥的都没我们这么能意会。)
Maybe you might think: how do things like heart attacks, energy scarce and extinction of other species have anything to do with me? Then think about your feeling when someone who is not as good as you gets the job or opportunity as s/he is the offspring of officials and billionaires. This kind of bias（要具体说明是什么bias，靠关系得到好工作和heart attack与我们的关系到底是怎么连在一起的？？） still occurs in today’s world. It is the truth that if everyone, no matter their gender, race, job and social status can be viewed equally, they could all have a fair chance. However, this might not be the case, even in decades’ time, since this is actually human nature that cannot be easily changed.
Admittedly, some of those problems have been solved. For instance, the lack of food did put Chinese on edge in 20^th century. However, the discovery of hybrid rice in 1970s essentially solved this problem that seemed impossible at that time. But still, it is only the tip of the iceberg—the problem of global warming that have taken place since industrialization movement and lung cancer that is attribute to smoking habit and air pollution and is the most common cause of cancer death all over the world still remain.
In a nutshell, though some problems have been untangled, (the) most important ones (still)have still no evidence (sign)of being solved in our lifetime.感觉如果这篇写成中文会是一篇aggresive的好文章，但是如果是英文，让人感觉逻辑模糊，很多事情没写明白的样子。其实我也不知道我说得对不对，只是谈谈读后感

safeandsound

Things in universities and companies are totally different. Many top students in schools cannot get used to environment in companies when they first start working. However, to my point of view, preparation courses are unnecessary.
To start with, things they learn during classes might be useless when they go to work. Everyone will face different problems when they start working depend on their majors, characteristics, etc. Students who are outgoing will never come into the issues such as making friends, being used to a new environment, and getting along with their co-workers which are common problems for introvert students. Then what should they be taught during classes? This is certainly a serious question for universities and teachers. No matter what they discuss during class, only a few students will thinks this is necessary and really useful when they go to work. What’s more, the solutions for problems they are going to meet might not be practical. Have you ever been to the situation that you just forgot everything when you got nervous? This is the instinct of human being and is hard to overcome. Even they know they should keep smiling and use the sign languages while speaking to others, they cannot really do this if they really bump into this kind of situation. So, it is actually a waste of time for students to take preparation classes.
Moreover, besides time-consuming, it is also a waste of money. Extra tuition and salaries have to be paid by students and universities/colleges if schools provide preparation classes, which is in fact totally unnecessary. Instead, students will benefit more if they do part-time jobs. In this way, students can figure out their problems, and at the same time, they can get paid. I have a friend who kept doing a part time job that have something to do with her major since she became a junior. When she applied for jobs, her experiences were really eye-catching among other students who have just studied during the whole 4 years, even her grades were not as high as others. When she got into the company, she got promoted faster than all the students who came to work in the company at the same time with her. Thank to her part-time job experience, underneath less pressure than others, she could receive higher salary. So, doing part-time job is actually win-win to students – they don’t need to pay extra fees to attend preparing classes, and they get the valuable experiences.
Although taking these classes may benefit to some students who really will have many problems after they go to work, I still stick to the opinion that preparation classes are unnecessary for students.

kris灿

Things in universities and companies are totally different. Many top students in schools cannot get used to environment in companies when they first start working. However, to my point of view, preparation courses are unnecessary.
To start with, things they learn during classes might be (少东西吧)useless when they go to work. Everyone will face different problems when they start working depend on their majors, characteristics, etc. Students who are outgoing will never come into the issues such as making friends, being used to a new environment, and getting along with their co-workers which are common problems for introvert students. Then what should they be taught during classes? This is certainly a serious question for universities and teachers. No matter what they discuss during class, only a few students will thinks (think) this is necessary and really useful when they go to work. What’s more, the solutions for problems they are going to meet might not be practical. Have you ever been to（deal with） the situation that you just forgot everything when you got nervous? This is the instinct of human being(s) and is hard to overcome. Even they know they should keep smiling and use the sign languages while speaking to others, they cannot really do this if they really bump into this kind of situation. So, it is actually a waste of time for (wasting time on) students to (for)take preparation classes.
Moreover, besides time-consuming, it is also a waste of money(亲 ，可以试一下别的表达方式of用太多了). Extra tuition and salaries have to be paid by students and universities/colleges(这样可以么 ，没这么用过。) if schools provide preparation classes, which is in fact totally unnecessary. Instead, students will benefit more if they do part-time jobs. In this way, students can figure out their problems,（这句觉得语义不明确，跟前面提到的不是很搭） and at the same time, they can get paid. I have a friend who kept doing a part time job that have something to do with her major （something relative with her major）since she became a junior. When she applied for jobs(opportunities), her experiences were really eye-catching among other students who have just studied during the whole 4 years,even her grades were not as high as others. When she got into the company, she got promoted faster(and defeat all her rival for the job . ) than all the students who came to work in the company at the same time with her. Thank(s) to her part-time job experience, underneath less pressure than others, she could receive higher salary. So, doing part-time job(s) is actually win-win to(for) students – they don’t need to pay extra fees to attend preparing classes, and they get the valuable experiences.
Although taking these classes may benefit to (去掉to，因为是及物动词)some students who really will have many problems after they go to work, I still stick to the opinion that preparation classes are unnecessary for students.PS：改的有点晚了 ，请原谅~
（）里是个人意见 ，绿色的 觉得用的很好，其实是我没用过的^^