xiaxiaya的作文贴

xiaxiaya

。。。突然想起来，好像小组的要求是，还需要把自己改过的文章贴上来。。。我一直都忘了这个事情了。。今天开始补~

liaxiaowanzi

独立作文
46min   327words  今天实在写不出来了。。例子也想不出，写作速度也很慢

There are two parts of a school life for every students: the academic part and the social part. How to weigh the activities of the student organizations and the academicstudies, which one is more important?（个人感觉题目是在问是否同意学生活动和专业课一样重要或是否能参与学生组织过程中获得和专业课一样的益处，而不是说那个更重要些，楼主再体会体会，是不是和GRE作文搞混了） Considering that both(Both 没有名词这一说) of them play a （an）importantrole in a student's school life（in the campus life of  a student）, I believe that they are equal in theimportance.

To begin with,even the academic study and the student activities has different impression inthe traditional view, we should realize that both of them can benefit (可替换啊 be helpful to...take advantage of..be favourable to)students in common. First, not only the clubs and organizations but the academic studies require the ability of cooperation. For example, a drama cannot be displayed by a single student, neither can a academic forum be hold only by an pupils.(这个倒装用的好) In  both of the case, students need to cooperate with each other and them (貌似应该去掉)improve skill of communication, discussion, and their leadership. Furthermore, students are able to improve their academic performance （分享个句型 students enable their performence to improve）by taking part in the out ofclass activities, when their academic knowledge can bring new ideas for the clubs and student organizations.

What's more,the most important reason is that their academic（添加 studies ）and social activities can provide them good work opportunities.( 楼主是不是想这样表达the most important reason is that good work opportunities include two indispensable aspects: the academic studies and social activities)Nowadays, there is not chance for a （an  已经出现一次了，楼主要尽量避免这个小错误了）employee who only has good academic records. People in their professional position, no matter researching or transactional, should have the ability to tackle（有些重复 可替换deal with） tasks by their academic knowledge as well as to tackle (高级词汇)the relationships among their coworkers, bosses and subordinates. For this reason, even though students in school might not have a complex problem dealing with people, ,theywill one day(去掉，换成 in the future) confront with the need to show not only their intelligent brains also their social ability.

In conclusion,the activities of students organizations and clubs is equally important to the academic studies. Students can not only benefit from both of them in theirschool lives at present, but also lean learn to prepare(make a preparation) for their future lives in the true(true是真假的真，感觉应该用real) society.

liaxiaowanzi

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-13 00:34
独立作文
46min   327words  今天实在写不出来了。。例子也想不出，写作速度也很慢

总体感觉，时间仓促。事例单薄。
楼主对段落结构的把握还是很清晰的

xiaxiaya

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-13 00:41
总体感觉，时间仓促。事例单薄。
楼主对段落结构的把握还是很清晰的

谢谢~恩，你说的问题我也很头疼，事例单薄、事例分析不到位、换词时候词穷，都是我的弱点呢。。正在努力改进。
之前写的两篇作文，都没有事例的。。

然后那个both of them ，具体这里both是作什么词性不太清楚，代词、量词之类的，不过Both of them 这个说法，和all of them, each of them 一样是常见的~^^

lyslj001

咦~~ 难道不是我来改你的作文么？

xiaxiaya

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-13 11:56
咦~~ 难道不是我来改你的作文么？

。。不知道，好像大家都搞混了，也欢迎你来给点建议哈~~^^

xiaxiaya

看了小分段以前的高分成员的作文贴，发现很多都是用个人、身边亲朋好友做事例说理，很大的启发！

laneesherry

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-12 21:48
谢谢laneeshery童鞋~~

T.T单词连在一起，我也不知道为什么，在word里好好的，贴过来就连一块了

编例子说实话我也不知道有什么诀窍。。。
不过减少叙述性描写的话，我的方法是强迫自己在一句话之内、顶多一个长句加一个短句之内把例子写完。这样的话就会努力地去想一些更简洁的表达，同时也会把不必要的部分尽可能的删掉，然后就解决掉啰嗦的问题了。

xiaxiaya

作业 16th AUG

强练了三天口语，重回写作小组

三天里还准备了一下自己的综合写作模板，第一次用，背得还不是熟，用了5分钟才写完开头段，15分钟写了中间两段，最后5分钟写最后一段，手抖了。。不过还好写完了

听力材料好像还蛮容易听懂的，甚至小细节都听到了，但是没来的及记下来，写的时候光回忆模板了。。本来可以写得更细致的。

用了模板，写作的时候感觉能有更多的时间在换词上了，段落的分配也均衡很多, 不过字数还有待提高，模板背诵还有待加强

综合写作 TPO-9   230 words

The reading passage presents a argument that the fuel-cell engine overshadows the internal-combustion engine in several aspects. But the professor in the listening lecture disputes that the fuel-cell engine is not superior to the internal-combustion engine since the passage misleads the readers to some extent. And the professor in lecture support herself based on the following reasons.

To begin with, even though the internal-combustion engines depend on infinite fuel and can cause pollution, the professor argues that the easy availability of hydrogen used by the fuel-cell engines is not the case. She explains that the form of hydrogen in water cannot use for the fuel engines. Also there is still technique limited that can produce the pure and cold hydrogen.

Moreover, the professor contends that the fuel-cell engines are not environment friendly like the passage claims. The process for producing pure hydrogen need a lot of energy, which should burn the oil and other fossil fuel and will consequently make more pollution.

Finally, the professor asserts that the cost for a fuel-cell engine is higher than the internal-combustion engines, which is opposed to the passages statement. She points out that the fuel-cell engine is consisted of a expensive component. The fuel-cell engine cannot work without this part to support the chemical reaction for the hydrogen to produce energy. So it is so far for the population of the fuel-cell engines.


【独立】8.16 (秀文式开头和结尾)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.



Better educated as they are, young peopleseems to be more independent than those in the past. But actually, consideringthe fact that they are encoutered in a society with people's relationgshipsgruadually untied, chance of self experiencing decreasing, as well as morechoices to face, today's young people tend to be more likely unable to makedecision on their own. Therefor, in my opinion, the young people today relymore on their parents than before to make decision.

To begin with, since people nowadays livein a more rapid space than several decades before, people are less connectedwith a real reliable realationships so that we become more selfish and careless about other people. This tendency consequently has a essential impact onthe young in our society. There are no more reliable people than their parentswho can give them a hand when they are caught in trouble. For example, when friendsXiao tian seek for a job after graduated, he tried to find some advice from ajob agency, but it turned out that the job introduced for him by the agency isa fake one. As a result, Xiao tian had to ask his parent for help to find ajob. It is the selfish people and unreliable world that makes Xiao tian have nochoice to depend on his parents.

Moreover, with the well developed educationsystem and the carefull parenting of their parents, the younge people now haveless chance to experience lots of things by themselves. Contrast to the past,the young aquire their knowledge from their text book rather than picking upfrom what they really see and do in the practice. It is a good example that myfather used to study through carpenter skill in my grandfather’s workshops, butnowadays I can only learn from textbook in the school, because of the limit oftime and place. Without the experience on my own, I have no idea about what todo when I what to fix even a small chair. Less experience leads to the young,like me, only know the knowledge, but more likely are not able to use them todeal with a real problem.

Finally, more choices presented to theyoung , due to the Internet and modern multi-medias providing a sea ofinformation, make them more unconfident when make choices by themselves. Experiencedas some people are, they would sometimes be difficult to make a choice, facinga lot of available options, not to mention our not experienced young ones. Foryoung people nowadays, they have more majors to research, more careers topursue, more addictions for them to face and prevent. They will definitely turnto their parents for a direction.

Even though some believe that today's youngpeople that are better educated  are ableto make choice less depending on their parents, considering the fact of sparserelationships of people, the fewer chance to experience on their own and theincreasing chance, I stand that the young are more likely to rely on theirparents to make decision.

sallygreen

【独立】8.16 (秀文式开头和结尾)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.



\表示红色部分删除
灰色部分删除
蓝色部分是添加的
Better educated as they are,(aaa, 这样的格式只有在as做既然得意思是可以，因为 no！) young people seems\ to be more independent than those in the past. But actually, considering the fact that they are encountered in a society with people's relationgships gruadually untied, chance of self experiencing decreasing, as well as more choices to face (where relationship among pepole is estranged, the chance to personal experience is decreased, and possibility to select is aggrandized),(这个排比句的内容觉得说服力感觉不强呢，句式是不错滴~) ，Therefore, in my opinion, today's young people tend to be more likely unable to make decision on their own.  Therefore, in my opinion, the young people today rely more on their parents than before to make decision.

To begin with, since people nowadays liveing with a more rapid space than several decades before, people are less connected (contact less) with a real reliable realationships so that we become more selfish and careless(咦~没找到与主题的关系) about other people. This tendency consequently has(produces) a essential impact on the young in our society. There are no more reliable people than their parents who can give them a hand when they are caught in trouble. For example, when friends Xiao tian seek(sought) for a job after graduated(ing), he tried to find some advice from a job agency, but it turned out that the job introduced for him by the agency is a fake one. (这个例子觉得太绝对了，你可以说有些情况下)As a result, Xiao tian had to ask his parent for help to find a job. It is the selfish people and unreliable world that makes\ Xiao tian have no choice to (except) depending on his parents.

(说几点建议哦，首先，这一段的说服力不强，说人们的关心不如以前牢固了，比较普遍的论据应该是说之前人们怎样，现在怎样，LZ没有更多details to support, 说法有些绝对了，这样是不客观滴。其次，例子举的有点偏了，咨询公司也不全都是假信息，另外这个题目主要是在make decision方面, not all of the help from parents)

Moreover, with the well developed education system and the carefull\ parenting of(from) their parents, the younge people now have less chance to experience lots of things by themselves. Contrast to the past,the young aquired their knowledge from their text book rather than picking up from what they really see and do(touch) in the practice. It is a good example that my father used to study through\ carpenter skill in my grandfather’s workshops, but nowadays I can only learn it from textbook in the (at) school, because of the limit of time and place. Without the experience on my own, I have no idea about what to do when I what to(？？) fix even a small chair. Less experience leads to the young,like me, only know the knowledge, but more likely are not able to use them to deal with a real problem.

(still, 木有扣题，这一段的 dependent 没有体现出来 ，make decision也木有 T.T)

Finally, more choices presented to the young , due to the Internet and modern multi-medias providing a sea of information, make them more unconfident when make choices by themselves. well-Experienced as some people are, they would sometimes be difficult to make a choice, when facing a lot of available options, not to mention our not\ no-experienced young ones. For young people nowadays, they have more majors to research, more careers to pursue, and more addictions(木有找到addictions与 论点的直接关系，揭示下最好) for them to face and prevent. They will definitely turn to their parents for a direction. （不是太明白 哎）

Even though some believe that today's young people that are better educated  are able to make choice less depending on their parents, considering the fact of sparse relationships of （among）people, the fewer chance to experience on their own and the increasing chance(irrevelant information), I stand that the young are more likely to rely on their parents to make decision.