xiaxiaya的作文贴

xiaxiaya

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 20:05
准备来帮楼主改作文的时候发现已经有人在一个小时前发表了修改意见。。。
你确定没有记错负责人吗{:3_60: ...

恩~楼上的是我在版子里认识的~他作文里换词很强，我请他给我一点换词的建议~

按照安排，9号的独立，是你帮我改的~

10号的独立是我们互改~可是我昨天没写独立，被听力打击惨了T.T做了一天的听抄

xiaxiaya

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_ ...

谢谢~~^^.. 单词连起来。。是因为从word里复制过来，看着是分开的，可是一发表，就连起来了。。不知道怎么回事。会让你改得很头疼吧~SORRY

xiaxiaya

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_ ...

恩。。我是因为看了一些作文书，说1+3+1的段落，中间应该先让步，GRE里一直都这么写来着。托福里一般不写让步段吗？我基本没看过什么托福范文。。请教你一下哈~

xiaxiaya

T.T哭了。。。写了一大半的作文，到时间了，TPO没存。。

slhtzbpxz

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-11 20:42
恩。。我是因为看了一些作文书，说1+3+1的段落，中间应该先让步，GRE里一直都这么写来着。托福里一般不写 ...

嗯，我看的是戴云教主的，他比较推荐2+1，l两正面一个反面。。具体怎么样我也不是很清楚。。但是个人觉得一整段让步可能太多了

xiaxiaya

8.10 独立  50分钟  418 words（其实写了快1个半小时。。第一次写到第三段，模考软件就到时了，可是没存下来。。又写了一遍T.T）

To be a good leader in political orbusiness area cannot be easy, which requires all kinds of skills and ability.Is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes that measures most for asuccessful political or business leader? In my point of view, it doesn't seemto be in the case.

Admittedly, the sense of responsibility isone of the necessities for a good leader. Obviously, people will not select aperson who does not care about the severe impact on which mistakes might have.In a group or a community, the responsibility for mistakes makes the memberstrust their leader, which will in return encourage the leader to guide thedirection for the crowds of the group or community. President Washington hasbeen long admire for his honesty and responsibility for mistakes, especiallyfamous for his childhood story, and benefited his country as one of the mostsuccessful leader in history.

However, drastically emphasizing this characterwill sometimes be harmful for the leaders, especially the political andbusiness . There is a perfect example that some famous entrepreneur and parityleader ended his/her life for the guilty that made a wrong decision leading afailure for his/her people. They are too self denied after taking theresponsibility for the mistakes. In fact, everyone is born to make mistakes,inevitable for the leaders who are regarded as the perfect people.

Most important is that there are moreimportant things for a good leader. In political and business field, leadersare expected to be the one who makes the most essential decisions and  can bring their people more interest in politicsor in finance. So a leader should be clever enough to make the best choice,should be calm enough to face the challenge, and should be brave enough to facehis mistakes and struggle out from the bad situation. That is a best leader canmake his/her effort to make the group improve and become better. Without thischaracter, a person cannot be the one in the position to direct a whole group,a party or a company, all of which are form by people for their own interest.

To make it brief, the ability to take the responsibility for mistakes cannot bethe most important character of a successful political or business leader, eventhough it is indeed an necessary one. The ability to make the group, party,company and its member benefit more should be the most important character of apolitical or business leader.

xiaxiaya

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_ ...

谢谢~恩，其实不是没有事例，是根本想不起来有什么例子能举的。。

laneesherry

到今天为止一直在忙着赶论文现在才有空过来还请不要介意。<(_ _)>

蓝色是个人意见和建议修改的地方
红色是强烈建议修改的地方


To be a good leader in political orbusiness（or business） area cannot be easy, which requires all kinds of skills and ability.Is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes that measures most for asuccessful political or business leader? In my point of view, it doesn't seemto（seem to） be in the case.(好简洁明了的开头！)

Admittedly, the sense of responsibility isone（is one） of the necessities for a good leader. Obviously, people will not select aperson( a person ) who does not care about the severe impact on which mistakes might have.In a group or a community, the responsibility for mistakes makes the memberstrust( member strust ) their leader, which will in return encourage the leader to guide thedirection( the direction ) for the crowds of the group or community. President Washington hasbeen( has been ) long admire( admired , 被动语态) for his honesty and responsibility for mistakes, especiallyfamous（ especially famous ) for his childhood story,( 这里建议加半句话来概括说明一下华盛顿童年的事) and benefited his country as one of the mostsuccessful( most successful ) leader in history.（本段是让步段，说明了有责任感也是非常必要的。）

However, drastically emphasizing this characterwill（ character will ) sometimes be harmful for the leaders, especially the political andbusiness . There is a perfect example that some famous entrepreneur and parityleader ended his/her life for the guilty that made a wrong decision leading afailure ( a failure ) for his/her people. They are too self denied after taking theresponsibility for the mistakes. In fact, everyone is born to make mistakes,inevitable for the leaders who are regarded as the perfect people. (本段是第一个反驳段，观点是太强调责任感有时会产生反效果。支持性说理句是有很多有名的领导者因此而轻生。建议在这之后举一个更加具体的例子。我历史学得不好，印象中自杀的西方领导人好像只有希特勒？中国古代倒是有一堆但是总觉得在托福作文里面用感觉好怪的样子。。。也许楼主可以试着说自己一个朋友工作/实习的公司怎样怎样。)

Most important is that there are moreimportant（more important） things for a good leader. In political and business field, leadersare( leaders are ) expected to be the one who makes the most essential decisions and can bring their people more interest in politicsor in finance. So a leader should be clever enough to make the best choice,should be calm enough to face the challenge, and should be brave enough to facehis mistakes and struggle out from the bad situation. That is a best leader canmake his/her effort to make the group improve and become better.( 这句话说实话看的不是很懂。从语法上讲似乎是本句在没有用连词的情况下出现了两个动词？) Without thischaracter（ this character ）, a person cannot be the one in the position to direct a whole group,a party or a company, all of which are form by people for their own interest.（本段观点是除了责任感一个好的领导人还需要更多更重要的素质。同样建议加上例子。比如说一个人虽然说责任心很强但是其他方面不行，结果还是不能够成为一个合格的领导者。）

To make it brief, the ability to take the responsibility for mistakes cannot bethe（ be the ) most important character of a successful political or business leader, eventhough it is indeed an necessary one. The ability to make the group, party,company and its member benefit more should be the most important character of apolitical or business leader.


总体印象：
觉得楼主写这篇文章的时候有些仓促，很多地方两个单词连在了一起。
总体结构非常清晰，纯说理的句子也很到位，但是少了例子的支持，显得有些单薄。

xiaxiaya

综合  最后一段在规定时间内没写完，听力时第二点没抓住，第三点没有听清，所以写的感觉有点混乱T.T
In the reading passage, some problem of communalonline encyclopedias has been cited to argue that it is of less value thantraditional, printed encyclopedias. But in the listening lecture,
a professordoes not agree with the points in the passage. Based on three reasons, shesupports her opinion that communal online encyclopedias has its greatadvantages than the traditional, printed ones.


To begin with, the professor disputes theargument in the passage that communal online encyclopedias has flaws leadingmisunderstanding. She admits that the online encyclopedias do have errors, butit is not in the case that the traditional ones which are written by theexperts is perfect. The shortage of those traditional ones, the professorpoints out, is the delay of correcting their mistakes in the printed books fordecades.

What's more, considering that there areattack from hackers, the professor argues that hackers is not only attack theonline encyclopedias. The professor explains that even the printed once couldbe changes and fabricate by attackers. In this sense, the passage's assumedsituation that the changes cannot be realized by readers might cause worse results.
Finally, the professor gives two reasonsfor the problem cited in the passage that communal encyclopedias only containsthe most popular entries. Because the online ones have limited space for theentries so they could only contain what are supposed to be popular. The otherreason is that the user-editing encyclopedias is more representative what theusers are curious most. For this sense, the diversity of the communal, onlineencyclopedias is their strong advantages, comparing with those traditional,printed versions.


独立作文
46min   327words  今天实在写不出来了。。例子也想不出，写作速度也很慢

There are twoparts of a school life for every students: the academic part and the socialpart. How to weigh the activities of the student organizations and the academicstudies, which one is more important? Considering that both play a importantrole in a student's school life, I believe that they are equal in theimportance.

To begin with,even the academic study and the student activities has different impression inthe traditional view, we should realize that both of them can benefit studentsin common. First, not only the clubs and organizations but the academic studiesrequire the ability of cooperation. For example, a drama cannot be displayed bya single student, neither can a academic forum be hold only by an pupils. Inboth of the case, students need to cooperate with each other and them improveskill of communication, discussion, and their leadership. Furthermore, studentsare able to improve their academic performance by taking part in the out ofclass activities, when their academic knowledge can bring new ideas for theclubs and student organizations.

What's more,the most important reason is that their academic and social activities canprovide them good work opportunities. Nowadays, there is not chance for aemployee who only has good academic records. People in their professionalposition, no matter researching or transactional, should have the ability totackle tasks by their academic knowledge as well as to tackle the relationshipsamong their coworkers, bosses and subordinates. For this reason, even thoughstudents in school might not have a complex problem dealing with people, theywill one day confront with the need to show not only their intelligent brainsalso their social ability.

In conclusion,the activities of students organizations and clubs is equally important to theacademic studies. Students can not only benefit from both of them in theirschool lives at present, but also lean to prepare for their future lives in thetrue society.

【独立作文修改稿】
There are two parts of a school life for everystudents: the academic part and the social part. And there are severe debates on the statement whether the activitiesof students organization and clubs are as important as the academic studies. Consideringthat both of them play an important role in students’ campus lives, I believe that they are equal in the importance.

Tobegin with, even the academic study and the student activities has differentimpression in the traditional view, we should realize that both of them can be favorable to students incommon. First, not only the clubs and organizations but the academic studiesrequire the ability of cooperation. For example, a drama cannot be displayed by a single student, neither can a academicforum be hold only by an pupils.(这个倒装用的好) In both of the cases, students need tocooperate with each other and improve skill of communication,discussion, and their leadership. Furthermore, students are able to improvetheir academic performance  by taking part inthe out of class activities, when their academic knowledge can bring new ideasfor the clubs and student organizations.

What'smore, the most important reason is that their academic studies and social activities are indispensable for getting good work opportunities.( 楼主是不是想这样表达the most important reason is that good work opportunities include two indispensable aspects: the academic studies and social activities)Nowadays, there is not chance for an employee who only has good academic records. People in theirprofessional position, no matter researching or transactional, should have theability to deal with tasks by their academic knowledge aswell as to tackle the relationshipsamong their coworkers, bosses and subordinates. For this reason, even thoughstudents in school might not have a complex problem dealing with people, ,they will in the future confront with(be confronted withsth/ confront sth) the need to show not only their intelligent brainsalso their social ability.

Inconclusion, the activities of students organizations and clubs is equallyimportant to the academic studies. Students can not only benefit from both of them in their school lives at present, but also learn to make preparation for their future livesin the real society.