xiaxiaya的作文贴

xiaxiaya

先发一篇以前写过的 综合写作 TPO-17

第一次写独立写作，因为磨磨蹭蹭没写完，后来自己改了改，修改前后的两个都发上来吧：

修改前：(高亮是曾经的拼写错误)

The professor puts foraward a negative attitude to the passagein her lecture. She believes that the population of birds in United States willnot decline which is oppose to that the passage claims that the population willnecessarily decline. The professor supports herself by three reasons which candefeat the reasons sited in the passage.

First, the expand of human beings is not ashortcoming, as the professor puts it , but might do good for birds. Sheexplains that the urbane may be do good for the birds. Even some kinds of birdswill decrease, but some others will increase. (本来打算先写每段的开头的，后来第三段写high 了。。第一次写，对每段字数把握不是很好)

Second, the growth speed of agriculturewill not be as soon as the passage claims. The professor argee that the quickdevelopment of agreiculture will be harmful to the birds, but she points out that p  (这里没写完)

Third, asfor the inescapable impact of the pesticides, the professor holds a positiveaspects for the future development. She says that even the pesticides have caused a demage result to the birds survival and reproduction in the past, people now noticethis shortage of the pesticides. So people will decrease the use even stopusing pesitcides inthe future. To support this,  the professor give two new techiques that people are trying to use to decrease or stop the useing of pesticides. One is to produceless harmful but more effective pesitcides, the other is to create crops which can't prevent thepets but not harm the birds.

修改后：

The professor puts forwards a negativeattitude to the passage in her lecture. She believes that the population ofbirds in United States will not decline which is oppose to that the passageclaims that the population will necessarily decline. The professor supportsherself by three reasons which can defeat the reasons cited in the passage.

First, the expand of human beings is not harmfulto the birds live in urbane area, as the professor puts it. To some kind ofbirds, urbane area is a better habitat. She explains that the urbane may begood for some kinds of birds, like pigeon. Even some other kinds of birds willdecrease, but the number of birds might not decrease as the passage claims.

Second, the growth speed of agriculture activitieswill not increase so quickly as the passage claims in the future. The professoragrees that the quick development of agriculture will be harmful to the birdsto some extent, but she doesn’t agree with that more and more wildness areaswill be use for agriculture in the future. Because scientists are trying tocreate new crops which will be more productive, there is no need for exploitingmore land for agriculture.

Third,as for the inescapable impact of the pesticides, the professor holds a positiveaspects for the future development. She says that people now have noticed that thepesticides have damaging result to the birds survival and reproduction. Andpeople are trying to decrease the use even stop using pesticides in the future.To support this, the professor gives two example of new technique that candecrease the pesticides’ harmful effect to birds. One is to produce lessharmful but more effective pesticides, the other is to create crops which can'tprevent the pets but not harm the birds.

yyjfantasy

先M一个~~~~~~

xiaxiaya

8.9 作业：

综合写作：
【第一遍，这个就不用大家改了，细节都没听上】
听力听得不是很明白，而且写作时间也超时了（在想怎么把没听明白的第一点编出来），还是三段没有分配好时间；
模板没背，全忘光了；
精听以后，发现漏了好多点，点也不准确T.T，最近听力能力下降的很严重，做TPO的时候也是，好像什么都听不懂似的

In the professor's lecture, she gives somereasonable explanations for thoese aspects that is cast into doubt in the passage. Based on these explanations,the professor hold the stand that the portait of the woman is definitely the work ofRembrandt.

The first reason given by the professor isthat the inconsistent in the painting is caused by the chemical effects of  the painting material as time went by. Even though the passage points out that there is some inconsistences between the woman's servant-likelinen cap and her luxurious fur collar, Rembrandt's focusing on detail cannot be the arguable reason to challenge he's being the painter of this work. Thecolor material used in this painting can change after the painter finished thiswork, making the detail of the dressed differnt from the former one.

What's more, the light and shadow, whichare not matched together according to the passage, are formerly fitful in the original paiting.As the professor argues, the light and the shadow, when analyzed by techniques,are well fited inthe original layer in the panel.

Finally, even though the glued wood panelis not usually used by Rembrandt in his paintings, the professor points outthat there are still some works found painted in Rembrandt's work. The professorhas demonstrated this, using Rembrandt's self protrait which wass painted in a wood-glued panel, as an example. This important evidence candisprove the claim in the that Rembrandt didn't use glued panels.

【第二遍，大家改这个吧，精听3遍才把点都抓住了T.T】

The professor in the lecture disputes the reading passage and argue that the painting of the elderly woman is definitely a work of Remdandt, proved by some examiniation by some scientists. In the lecture, several reason is cited to explain those doubts, even though the professor admites the evidence pointed out in the passage.

The first reason is that inconsistencies between the elderly woman's linen cap and the fur collar in the painting is caused by someone after the painting was finished for hundreds years. The professor indicates that a X-ray examination of this painting reveals that some color was added to the original painting after 100 year the painting finished, on the purpose to increase its value. The X-ray examination shows that the original painting is well consisited in the detail of the dress which is expected to be the work of R.

Moreover, as for the light and shadow,  the professor points out that the face in the painting will reappear to be illuminated by an original light color in the fur collar, which has been changed by later painter. So in the original painting, the light and shadow is well managed as it is supposed to be a R' work.

Finally, the evidence of glued panel is also affected by later painter. As the professor argues, the original painting is definitely painted in a single panel, but someone added these pieces of wood on the top side of the original panel to enlarge the painting board to make it more valuable and grand. Additionally, the professor also gives another evidence to prove this work's being painted by R. Some studies have found that the wood of the original panel is from the same tree which was also used to made the panel for R's another works -- his self portrait.

【独立写作，不限时，还是篇幅分配没掌握好，换词，句法也很差，GRE issue 3分的水平T.T，欢迎拍砖】
【发现全篇没有example，最后一个分论点的时候就举例展开，然后写出来，发现篇幅有点超】

Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof a society. The issue proposed in the statement, in my point of view, caninterpret into the issue whether is the elementary education or the eliteseducation is more important for a society. Elementary education seems only told people some basic knowledge, whilethe elite education often contributes to high-tech, more intelligentindustries. But only can a society well its basic education, it will be able to acheive a successful and long-last development inthe future, which also do good for the growth of its higher education.

Admittedly, university education plays animportant role in a society's development, especially the high-tech andskillful industries. Students in universities are trained to be professional intheir own field. They choose one or two majors to focus their study and research,pursuing the knowledge in a high level. Most of the techniques and production,like computer, airplane and aircrafts, are inspired from this high level research.These technologies undoubtfullymake a remarkable effect on people's lives and the development of a society.

However, because of the obviously largenumber of people this education involved and the its more widely influence onthe people in the society, children education, namely basic education, needsmore support from the government to insure the whole society's literal level, . Firstly, children educationrefers to the education for people almost from the inphant to 12 years old, while universityeducation covers only a 4~8 years period . The length of time, in some extent,can indicate that more people are influenced by children education. From thisnumerical aspect, government should budget more on children education.

What's more, another cogent reason is thatpeople's basic knowledge and learning skills form in children education, whichis essential to their higher education and the long-lasting development of thesociety. In children education, people are taught to recognize the objects inthe world, to distinct the true and fault, to behavior kindly not evilly. Theseknowledge or skills have a great impact on people's growth. According to thesurvey in some countries, juvenile crimes have lower education level than theaverage level. So to focus more on the children education can really keeppeople from evil behavior from their childhood stage. On the other hand, there are also evidence show that people in universities have stronger basic learningskills than the average. Even though these skill will be enforced on theirhigher education stage, the basic skill is inescapable should be recieve in elementaryeducation so that these skill can be improved later. On the other words,university education is based on children education. While the universityeducation play a important role in the present development of a society, thechildren education ensures a long-last and successful one. Thus, governmentneed focus more budget on the children education.

In conclusion, for the reason of morenumber and wider impact that children education is involved, a governmentshould pay more attention on the children education. Besides, for the reasonthat the basic skills and knowledge that people receive in children educationinfluence  not only a person's growth butalso the development of the higher education and the long-lasting developmentof a society, a government need to budget more for children education.

xiaxiaya

今天TPO做得很烂。。弄得心情很不好，原来25,26的阅读，今天才做了21，感觉文章不是很难呀，速度也比平时快很多，可是做出来把自己吓尿了。听力原来还能做到27左右，最近的TPO听力只能做到20,21，把开始被GRE虐得剩下的一点点听力上的自信，都弄没了

xiaxiaya

8.10作业，综合写作部分：

TPO- 4  这次讲座听得很清晰，就是。。写作速度还是太慢了，老是在琢磨怎么换词。句子写的也不是很多

The passage argues that dinosaurs wereendothems according to three aspect evidence. But in the lecture, the professorhas a totally different opinion on this issue. She maintains that dinosaurscannot be endotherms, and she gives three reasons which can persuasivelydispute the evidence cited in the passage.

For the first thing, the professor assertsthat the findings of dinosaurs' fossil in polar area cannot support thepassage's argument. Because it was warmer in the age when dinosaurs lived, thepolar region was suitable for dinosaurs, which were not regarded as endorthermsby the professor.

Second, the professor challenges the evidencethat dinosaurs have their under-body legs. The passage argues that dinosaurmust be endortherms, basing on the reason that no modern reptiles have legsunder their body. But the professor demonstrates that there is possibleexplanation for this phenomenon. The explanation is that under-body legs canbenefit dinosaur, supporting their body and making them grow into large size,while it does not mean that they have higher energy than reptiles.

Finally, the professor presents anotherimportant evidence in dinosaur's bone structure, even though the professoradmits that the bone structure of dinosaur do have some aspects leading to theconclusion that they are .It is the growth rings in the bone structure thatmakes the professor confirm her argument, which characters reptiles of changingtheir growing speed in ages with different temperature .To strengthen this,professor compares the growing speed of endortherms  which can keep themselves growrapidly despite the temperature, with the reptile whose growing speed can beslow, even stopped, in a colder condition.

laneesherry

不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

The professor in the lecture disputes the reading passage and argue that the painting of the elderly woman is definitely a work of Remdandt, proved by some examiniation by some scientists. In the lecture, several reason is cited to explain those doubts, even though the professor admites the evidence pointed out in the passage.（这里的第一段总结得好精炼！）

The first reason is that inconsistencies between the elderly woman's linen cap and the fur collar in the painting is caused by someone after the painting was finished for hundreds years. The professor indicates that a X-ray examination of this painting reveals that some color was added to the original painting after 100 year the painting finished, on the purpose to increase its value. The X-ray examination shows that the original painting is well consisited in the detail of the dress which is expected to be the work of R（这里不太确定是否可以直接用一个字母来代替人名。不过既然已经听出来了，多打几个字也没什么吧？）.

Moreover, as for the light and shadow, the professor points out that the face in the painting will reappear to be illuminated by an original light color in the fur collar, which has been changed by later painter. So in the original painting, the light and shadow is well managed as it is supposed to be a R' work.（这里只说出了教授的反驳，建议还是提及一下文段中说的具体存在的问题。）

Finally, the evidence of glued panel is also affected by later painter. As the professor argues, the original painting is definitely painted in a single panel, but someone added these pieces of wood on the top side of the original panel to enlarge the painting board to make it more valuable and grand. Additionally, the professor also gives another evidence to prove this work's being painted by R. Some studies have found that the wood of the original panel is from the same tree which was also used to made the panel for R's another works -- his self portrait. （这一段听力部分的细节和点都很到位，但是文段的存在感还是稍弱）


总体印象：大概是因为楼主有过精听，对比起初稿，这一篇的听力部分的点全部都很到位。但是阅读部分却因此而忽略了，建议还是提及一下。

最后附上TIPs和来自无老师的满分范文

TIP：
这篇文章在成文的过程中不可避免的要对passage 部分进行一定的转述，仅仅写TS 是不够的。这是因为这些要转述的细节是lecture 反驳的基础，如果回避了，就无法逻辑清晰了，因为会给读者天外飞仙之感。在成文的过程中，lecture 部分的细节是重中之重，一定要把那些回答why 的内容体现出来。这就是为什么要求精听了。听了个大概，然后开始猜细节，这样的结果只有一种，那就是死的很惨。所以，不要随便说自己听懂了，如果试着一句句的听写出来，或者仔细看看lecture 部分的文本，是很容易发现自己漏掉了一些好像很小但是却很重要的部分。

范文：

The lecture revises the idea presented in the text, that Rembrandt was not the artist who painted the famous painting "Portrait of an Elderly Woman in a White Bonnet”.  

The inconsistency between the white cap, which identifies the woman as a servant, and the expensive fur collar she wears dissolves as the Professor explains that the fur collar was apparently painted over the original painting to increase its worth by displaying an aristocratic  woman.  

In addition, the assumption that light and shadow in the painting do not fit together is refuted by the fact that in the original painting, the woman wears a light cloth that illuminated her face. Thus the presentation of light and shadow was indeed very realistic and accurate, as it is characteristic of Rembrandt’s paintings.  

  

Finally, the mystery of the panel consisting of patches glued together is also solved in the lecture.  Actually, the wood panel was later enlarged to make it more grand and valuable, but the original painting was painted on a single panel, as Rembrandt would have done it. Furthermore, the wood is of the same tree used in other Rembrandt paintings, like the "Self-Portrait with a Hat”.  

All this information points to Rembrandt as the painter of the controversial painting.  

xiaxiaya

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 02:01
不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

谢谢laneesherry童鞋~ 因为刚开始练作文，所以文段和听力的比例掌握得不是很好~
那个R是因为实在是没时间打了，练习的时候偷懒了~

xiaxiaya

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 02:01
不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

恩，是的~还得麻烦你帮忙改独立~

slhtzbpxz

Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_^) a society. The issue proposed in the statement, in my point of view, caninterpret into the issue whether is the elementary education or the eliteseducation（精英教育好词呀！但是是不是要分开来打的） is more important（essential如何） for a society. Elementary education seems only told people some basic knowledge（有个词汇是enlight启蒙，在这里会不错）, whilethe elite education often contributes to high-tech, more intelligent industries. But only can a society well its basic education(倒装！）, it will be able to acheive a successful and long-last（substantial，当然我觉得长久用在这里不是很合适，promising可能比较合适） development inthe future, which also do(does) good for the growth of its (删掉吧，貌似没什么必要）higher education.

Admittedly, university education plays animportant（core) role in a society's development, especially the high-tech andskillful industries(前面已经有过，举得advance in technology挺好）. Students in universities are trained to be professional intheir own field. They choose one or two majors to focus their study and research,pursuing the knowledge in a high level.(这两句建议顺序颠倒一下:Students who focus on several regions they choose to pursue are usually extremely expertised ) Most of the techniques and production（products),like(such as?) computer, airplane and aircrafts, are inspired from this high level research(改成这些人these talents吧).These technologies undoubtfully(已经用过，改成substaintially)make a remarkable effect(impact) on people(human)'s lives and the development of a society(改成course of history历史的进程吧）.
（建议最后总结一下论点，强调一下大学的重要性^_^最好可以举个例子？)

However, because of the obviously large number of people this（指代不明） education involved and the（删去） its more widely（wide) influence on the people in the society(society出现次数太多了，删掉好了）, children education, namely basic education, needs(requeires) more support from the government to insure the whole society's literal level(小孩教育和文化水平不是很有关系吧）, . Firstly, children education refers to the education for people（individuals) almost from the inphant to 12 years old, while university education covers only(感觉不顺，only放在cover前如何） a 4~8 years period . The length of time, in(to) some extent,can indicate that more people are influenced（engaged好用的词!很多地方都能用到！) by children education. From thisnumerical aspect, government should budget more on children education.

What's more, another cogent（好词，学习了！） reason is that people's basic knowledge and learning skills(knowledge storage) form(from) in children education, whichis（are) essential to their higher education(教育感觉用的太多了，其实比如a bright future也蛮好的^_^）and the long-lasting development of thesociety*建议略掉. In children education, people are taught to recognize the objects inthe world, to distinct the true and fault, to behavior kindly not evilly（排比！） Theseknowledge or skills have a great impact on people's growth（building of social value). According to the survey in some countries(再细化一点吧）, juvenile crimeseducation level than the average level have lower . So to focus more on the children education can really keeppeople from evil behavior from their childhood stage. On the other hand, there are also evidence show that people in universities have stronger basic learningskills（很多时候不是词汇的问题而是你的句子语意可能有重复，不如尝试避免使其出现？） than the average. Even though these skill will be enforced on theirhigher education stage, the basic skill is inescapable should be recieve in elementaryeducation so that these skill can be improved later. On the other words,university education is based on children educatio（通过句式的修改可以进行替换比如说former one) While the universityeducation play a important role in(is an excellent vehicle) the present development of a society, thechildren education ensures a long-last and successful one. Thus, governmentneed focus more budget on the children education.

In conclusion, for the reason of morenumber and wider impact that children education is involved, a governmentshould pay more attention on the children education. Besides, for the reasonthat the basic skills and knowledge that people receive in children educationinfluence  not only a person's growth butalso the development of the higher education and the long-lasting developmentof a society, a government need to budget more for children education.(最后一段建议套用模板会很好多）



总的来说LZ思路很清晰，遣词造句也不错的，但是可能句子语意重复太多导致词汇无法替换，可以试试缩小说理的比例多加句子？
学渣思维不清。。见笑了

laneesherry

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-11 10:03
恩，是的~还得麻烦你帮忙改独立~

准备来帮楼主改作文的时候发现已经有人在一个小时前发表了修改意见。。。
你确定没有记错负责人吗之前忘记截图真是我的重大失误。。。