从12.19起, Liz 回来了, 这次要求很低,作文只要30分! 不要29~ 求亲们狠批~

lizchang1990

不好意思晚了,批改同学见谅啊,我今晚前帮你修改完~~~呜呜!!!

conanwang

Patience is a virtue that a myriad of people have been appreciated from time to time. However, in such a society with speedy development, is this belief still a useful benchmark for modern generations? This thorny issue has raised hotly discussion. Different persons from diverse backgrounds will uphold different opinions toward the intractable topic. From my perspective, we should take actions at once rather than be patient now. Several points in various dimensions will be presented and explained to testify my standpoint. (开门见山提出观点，好。)

To begin with, the top of my list of viewpoints is that taking action can benefit single individual from both the academic aspect and interpersonal relationship. To make my view more convincing, I would like to take my own experience as an example. I am an active girl in my class and always answer the professor’s questions quickly. Of course, sometimes I also give the wrong answers. But professors often encourage me to raise my hands frequently, because I can interact with teachers and learn much more from their lectures. So the process of self-improvement helps me get high scores in many subjects. What’ more, when I answer the questions right, other students who are still confused about some certain chapters, they will ask me to explain. As a result, friendship is been enhanced. On the contrary, if I keep patient and silent to wait for a perfect answer, maybe the result will be totally opposite. （对个人有益，这段很好。）

Moreover, another compelling point worth being mentioned is that taking actions in addressing environment crisis is necessary and indispensible without a tardy excuse. As we know, our surroundings have been polluted since the Industrial Revolution. A lot of dire problems we have to face now, such as the global warming, carbon dioxide emission, ozone holes, poisonous pesticide, the list will keep go on. These series of risks should be given high attention, and our government should take timely actions to handle these risks. Otherwise, it will be disaster for al human beings in the world. （你应该是想说，迅速采取行动不仅对个人有益，治理环境问题也是有利的，但是表达得比较模糊。在这里，我建议你在逻辑上与上段对应起来From the view of point of managing in the society, taking actions immediately can bring benefits to the whole society.)

Last but not least, it is necessary for us to close the gap between the assertions, before the opposite side has been taken into consideration. Admittedly, being patient can leave us a lot of time to consider things profoundly, and we can get a more comprehensive idea for an issue. However, the era has changed so much. For example, in the business realm, if we remain patience, we will loose the prior chance to tap into a new market. This rule has been proved in Sumsung Company. Every year, Sumsung will produce a variety of different types of smart cellphone. It is the creative functions in the new phone that attract a great many people to buy the products. While, other companies just produce the outdated types and wait for consumers’ new taste instead of creating the new market by themselves. You can guess, Sumsung can obtain the advantages easily due to prepared actions. Hence, we can see it is an inevitable element for us to take actions quickly in the fierce business field. (这段为让步段，立个靶子来打，很好。)

Given all these carefully analyses, I firmly believe that taking actions can bring us huge bonus. Although some people still remain query about my illustration, the reasons and explanations I referred above will propel the opponents to notice the parts they have ignored. Now, if you have a chance to choose between patience and taking actions, in order to achieve success easily, will not you choose taking promptly actions?















——————————————————————————————————————————————

Your essay is great.  However, I feel quite puzzled about your writing style.
It seems that you tend to write an essay with journalistic style rather than academic style.
Anyway, your show an excellent essay with good writing skills!

I rewrite some sentences and hope this will be helpful.






What' more, when I answer the questions right, other students who are still confused about some certain chapters, they will ask me to explain.
==>> What's more, when I answer the questions right, other students who are still confused about some certain aspects, they will ask me to explain.

As a result, friendship is been enhanced.
==>> As a result, friendship can be enhanced.


Moreover, another compelling point worth being mentioned is that taking actions in addressing environment crisis is necessary and indispensible without a tardy excuse.
==>>Moreover, another compelling point worth being mentioned is that taking a step in addressing environmental problems is necessary and urgent.


As we know, our surroundings have been polluted since the Industrial Revolution.
==>> As we know, our ecosystem has been degraded since the Industrial Revolution.


A lot of dire problems we have to face now, such as the global warming, carbon dioxide emission, ozone holes, poisonous pesticide, the list will keep go on.
==>> We are facing lots of serious problems such as the global warming, carbon dioxide emission, ozone holes and poisonous pesticide.

For example, in the business realm, if we remain patience, we will loose the prior chance to tap into a new market.
==>> For example, in the business realm, if we remain patience, we will lose the precious opportunities to tap into a new market.

While, other companies just produce the outdated types and wait for consumers' new taste instead of creating the new market by themselves.
== >> Other companies just produce the out-of-date products and wait for consumers' new taste instead of considering the market demands.

You can guess, Sumsung can obtain the advantages easily due to prepared actions.
==>> You can guess,  Sumsung can obtain the advantages because of well prepared.

lizchang1990

Thanks for Conan's comments, it's really important for me~

lizchang1990

1.5 独立作文liz 两篇  NO.1 是1.12的独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
It is better to work with your own computer and telephone at your home than work in your company's office.    (严格限时30分钟完成，存在的不足，尽情批斗吧~)

With the development of our science and technology, a series of changes have occurred in our modern society, including the way the work is provided and the way we work. Now, here comes a thorny issue towards which approach is better for individuals' work. Do we should work with own computer and telephone at our own homes? Or do we should use them in our companies' office? Different people from diverse dimensions will uphold totally opposite views about this topic. From my perspective, the later one is preferable than the first one. Several points will be presented and explained to testify my standpoint.

To begin with, using telephone and computers in organizations can help staff handle the intractable problems quickly and efficiently. Only when we stay with other colleagues in the same office can we have more time to communicate each other and learn the new knowledge easily. As a result, we can figure out the dilemma quickly. While, if we just stay at home alone, we cannot take use of others' talents to solve the difficulty in our work. To make my viewpoint more convincing, I would like to take my own experience as an example. Once I acted as an intern in Bank of China, and there were a lot of trivial I needed to consider. I remembered that one client wanted to exchange his current to USD (United States Dollars), but our exchange rate kept changing all the time. Although he exchanged 500 dollars in the morning, he found he paid more 230 RMB to our bank. So, I asked my colleague for help. Other staff told me to show the client the exchange rate in the morning at my office' computer. Eventually, the conflict was solved due to the witness in the computer and other co-workers' help.

Moreover, another compelling point worth being mentioned is that we will have more free time for private matters by using computers or telephones in our office. Admittedly, we can do whatever we want in our room, we don't need to obey the company's rules at home. In another words, we are completely free. However, we just see one side of this problem. In fact, our daily life will be disturbed by the myriad of calls. As we know, nowadays a great number young generation bore huge burden from their jobs. Meanwhile, they are in a stressful situation. Why? The answer is obvious, since they have to deal with so many calls from their clients, even in weekends. If we can use telephone or computers in corporations, then the issue can be handled quickly.

Given all these carefully analyses, I do believe that it is better for us to use computers and telephones in company's office rather than using those in our own house. Although some people still remain query about my illustration, these reasons and explanations will serve to the purpose to propel the opponents to notice the diverse dimensions of the topic and reconsider the parts they have ignored. Now, if you have a chance to choose the work place, in order to gain more relevant knowledge and get more free time, won’t you select the office?

lizchang1990

TO 看的孩子，这个字体真心不是我弄成这样的，我也从word-->txt转换了，还是无效。估计就是我打字的时候是中文状态下打的，结果这西文不能转换，呜呜~~~  I'm sorry for my mistake. 但内容还是可以看的啊，就是有些单词隔行拆开了。唉~~

NO.2 是1.13 的独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers ‘salaries’.  (限时30分钟over,但没检查完)

Excellent education is like a scarce green rosethat a great many people are yearn to pick it up from time to time. Now, here comesa thorny issue towards which way is better for us to improve the quality of oureducation? Different people from diverse backgraounds willuphold  totally opposite opinions about thistopic．From my perspective, the best way is to increase teachers’ saslaries．Several pointswill be  presented and explained to testifymy standpoint．


To begin with, only when professors get the benefit from our government’s subsidiescan  they have more enthusiasm to teach theirstudents．To make my view more  convincing,I would like to take the case in my university as an  example． In the past, facultiesin my college just got the basic salary  fromgovernment, and I often heard several of my teachers complain their tough situations,as their thin salary had to cover many things in their daily life and the fund wasnot enough．Sometimes, I even heard some  teacherssaid they wanted to changed their jobs due to the little  salary．But from last year, anew policy had been carried out, and a  largenumber of workers in our country could receive a higher salary．Later, when Iasked a few teachers about this issue, they said they were  happy about this policy and they would have morepassion to continue  their career． Albeit thiscase jus depended on the situation on my campus, it is not alone．There are still a variety of similar cases in China．From this point,we can see, salary plays an indispensible role on teachers’ atitudes．

Moreover, another compelling point worth being mentioned is that higher salary can benefit the whole academic  field．You may want to ask why,here is my explanation．Ｗhen professor  obtain more subsidies,they can buy more advanced equipment or hire more  intelligent researchers to help them conduct thebreakthrough research．This is a virtuous cycle．Eventually, when a goodresult occurs, we  human beings will havea more promising future．Maybe the genetic realm  is thebest example．Each year, the staff in genetic industry receive  the comsiderable salary, and they also have themotivision to do well．  In sum, the whole academic realmcan gain more advantages．

Last  but not least, it is necessary for usto close the gap among assertions  in otheraspects, before the opposite sides have been taken into  consideration． Although there are someother better ways to improve the  qualityof education, such as the advanced devices in labs or  international meetings．However, we haveto notice this problem, all of these represintives are based on money．So, increasingprofessors’ salary can solve the potential issues quickly and efficeintly．

Given  all of these carefully analyses, Ido believe that if faculties can  obtain moremoney, the quality of education will be improved greatly．Although somepeople remain query about my illustration, these reasons  and exaplanations I referred above will serveto the purpose to propel  the opponents tonotice the diverse dimensions and reconsider the parts  they have ignored． Now, if youare a staff in the governmnet,  inder to  create more benefit for the whole academic fieldand our quality of  education, won’t you chooseto increase the teachers’ salaries?

超级无敌小鹤鹤

帮你把字体改了。。。主要问题是全角和半角的切换。。。你输的时候不小心切到了全角输入。。。

超级无敌小鹤鹤

暂时只能先帮你看1.12的独立

With the development of our[习惯上不加our] science and technology, a series of changes have occurred in our modern society, including the way the work is provided and the way we work.[这儿如果仔细去看的话，有点小问题：changes XXX, including the way and the way，显然你这儿相当于在说the way就是changes了，这不符合逻辑；两种改法，你自己权衡：1、把change作为动词，很多东西change，包括the way和the way；2、in the way或者about the way，补出介词，避免逻辑不符] Now, here comes a thorny issue towards which approach is better for individuals' work. Do we should work with own computer and telephone at our own homes? Or do we should use them in our companies' office?[建议改成一句话，Do we should XXX or just XXX?相对而言，分开成两句的表达有点口语化] Different people from diverse dimensions will uphold totally opposite[这儿从逻辑上去考虑，不同的人会有对立的观点？这个太绝对了吧~~ 毕竟这个问题的答案不是对或错那么简单的二选一，所以建议还以用various这类的好了] views about this topic. From my perspective, the later one is preferable than the first one[要么better than比较级，要么就是perferable——than必须和比较级连用]. Several points will be presented and explained to testify my standpoint.

To begin with, using telephones and computers in organizations can help staff handle the intractable problems more quickly and efficiently. Only when we stay with other colleagues in the same office can we have more[根据你的语境，用enough比较好] time to communicate with each other and learn the new knowledge easily. As a result, we can figure out the dilemma quickly[考虑到前面已经出现了quickly，为了避免重复，换一个，比如successfully]. While, if we just stay at home alone, we cannot take use of others' talents to solve the difficulty[difficulties] in our work. To make my viewpoint more convincing, I would like to take my own experience as an example. Once I acted as an intern in Bank of China, and there were a lot of trivial[trivial是adj，这儿用它的名词形式，并且复数：trivialities] I needed to consider[这儿你还原之后就是I need consider a lot of trivialities——consider sth用法不好，也不对]. I remembered that one client wanted to exchange his current[cash] to USD (United States Dollars), but our exchange rate kept changing all the time. Although he exchanged 500 dollars in the morning, he found he paid more 230 RMB to our bank. So, I asked my colleagues for help. Other staff told me to show the client the exchange rate in the morning at my office's computer. Eventually, the conflict was solved due to the witness in the computer[额。。。没见过这种用法。。。witness in the computer，但是感觉不对] and other co-workers' help.

Moreover, another compelling point worth being mentioned is that we will have more free time for private matters by using computers or telephones in our office.[一个小问题，moreover和another有点点重复的感觉。。。所以个人感觉moreover去掉会更加好一点] Admittedly, we can do whatever we want in our room, and we don't need to obey the company's rules at home. In another words, we are completely free. However, we just see one side of this problem. In fact, our daily life will be totally disturbed by the myriad of calls. As we know, nowadays a great number of young generations bore huge burden from their jobs. Meanwhile, they are in a stressful situation. Why? The answer is obvious, since they have to deal with so many calls from their clients, even in weekends. If we can use telephone or computers in corporations, then the issue can be handled quickly.
[这儿这一段写得不好，我指的是内容上。我明白你的意思是说用办公室的电话的话，人家有事也只会打到办公室，所以周末在家的话不会接到电话；但是你的表达没用说明这一点，所以我的理解知识：在家办公会有电话，在办公室没电话，显然这不合逻辑：电话数量是不变的，知识在家办公那么电话全打到家里，在办公室的话，由于周末电话也是打到办公室的所以家里的电话却是少了但是总数肯定不变，所以你要突出“周末电话就不会打到家里来”这一点!]

Given all these carefully analyses, I do believe that it is better for us to use computers and telephones in company's office rather than using[use] those in our own houses. Although some people still remain query about my illustration, these reasons and explanations will serve to the purpose to propel the opponents to notice the diverse dimensions of the topic and reconsider the parts they have ignored. Now, if you have a chance to choose the work place, in order to gain more about the[这儿我加了about，是必须的，这样明确了more是修饰knowledge，不然的话你可以发现会有more修饰relevant的歧义] relevant knowledge and get more free time, won’t you select the office?

几个问题：
1、信息量不是很足。文章有不少语言属于没有太大意义的，真正重要的，表达思想的内容其实不是很多；我倒是建议开头可以压缩[开头实在太长了]，然后观点一有些无关痛痒的句子可以缩一下，然后再添加一个观点三[两个观点的一般情况下都会显得内容过少]；
2、第二个观点的问题，已经说明；
3、句子之间的逻辑不是很紧密；尤其是观点一，好多相邻的句子之间逻辑上跳跃性太强，结果就是文章段落内部句子之间不紧凑，逻辑不连贯，这要特别注意；
4、长句子不多，句式变换、倒装啊这类的过于少了点，导致句子结构比较单一，没有特别出彩的句子。

lizchang1990

感谢小鹤鹤 ，这次我长记性 了，thanks so much~

超级无敌小鹤鹤

感谢小鹤鹤 ，这次我长记性 了，thanks so much~

-- by 会员 lizchang1990 (2013/1/5 20:49:52)

没事。。。刚改完。。热乎着呢~~ o(*≧▽≦)ツ

lizchang1990

TPO 5,
The listening and the reading uphold totally opposite explanations toward the functions of the Chaco structures. The professor illustrates that the theories in the passage are not useful and unconvincing. Then he raises three points to support his perspective.

To begin with, the speaker contradicts the statement in the reading, which indicates that the Chaco structures are purely residential for hundreds of people. He demonstrates that although the outside of the houses appears strikingly similar to the apartment buildings in New Mexico, the inside of the houses is quite different, and cannot serve to the purpose for holding hundreds of people. Meanwhile, the professor raises several questions. For example, if the buildings are for residential, there will be fire places for cooking, but there are few fire places inside the houses. What's more, the spaces of the houses are only for ten families rather than for hundreds of residents. Hence, the houses are not possible for residential.

Moreover, the lecturer casts light on the second theory in the article, which suggests that the Chaco structures are used to store food supplies, especially for grain maize. The lecturer makes the points that the excavations reveal no trees of maize and containers for maize in the houses. Simultaneously, he doubts that if the structures are used for storage, why do maize is split on the floor, and why not large maize containers there? Obviously, the author's argument is fairly disputed.

Finally, the presenter disagrees with the standpoint, which advocates that the houses are used as ceremonial centers, because there are mounds and a pile of old ceremonial materials there. He claims that inside the mound, there are other materials as well. For instance, there are large quantities of building materials, such as sand, stone, even structure tools. Therefore, the houses are more likely to be a trash mound for building materials rather than for ceremonies. Furthermore, the containers can be used for building workers' meal. So, the evidences inside the mound are not good the purpose of ceremonies.

In sum, the instructor carefully discerns the drawbacks of the reading passage and takes one more step to reveal the fallacies need a close scrutiny.